Tips for dealing with typical teenage behavior

amother

Sun, Feb 15 2015, 7:30 am

I'm looking for simple practical tips, and chizzuk, for dealing with admittedly normal but extremely frustrating teenage girl behavior. DD is 13, and can't stop herself making snide comments, mainly to her siblings, sometimes to me, insulting, being rude, etc.
Really, she's a good girl. In school she's perfect. With her friends she's great. At home she's horrible. How can I stop myself losing my temper?! When does it end?

PAMOM

Sun, Feb 15 2015, 7:44 am

I don't want to scare you but it can last till she leaves home (or around 18). There are times when you need to say something -- when she's being mean as opposed to snide-- but you need to decide when that is and call her aside after you have time to calm down. Tell her calmly that you feel very hurt when she does xxx. You're sure it wasn't her intention but you really felt xxxxxxx. Tell her that she's welcomed to her opinion and her private space but you need a less hostile environment to function well.
Look, my dd was the type who could get upset if I asked how school was. DH was the good guy abd I was the evil mother. I spent a lot of time separating myself but going to my room for a few minutes till I could calm down . I called my mother sometimes since I had been a lot like my dd. And, in between the bad times, dd would tell me what a great mother I was and tell me all the ways she appreciated me. It was a rocky few years but she valued herself, valued her education, and valued her friends. She's a wonderful young woman now who still
apologizes for those years.

chani8

Sun, Feb 15 2015, 7:50 am

Preface any critical comments with, "I love you . . ." Or, for sibling rivalry, "Your sister loves you . . ."

For example, "I love you, so please talk nicely to me."
"Your sister loves you, and looks up to you, and I imagine it hurts her to be called stupid by her hero."

For very difficult situations, I get really tough. "Did you want me to tell Grandma what you just said? She'd be horrified!"

Or, said jokingly but point well made: "Should I record you talking this way and upload it to Facebook??"

Try to keep your scolding as light as possible and don't take her comments personally. Why would you lose your temper? She's the one without her mind. She won't get it back until around age 17. So find your sense of humor and show love as awkward as it may feel.

granolamom

Sun, Feb 15 2015, 3:14 pm

there's a couple of different aspects to this, discipline/guidance so that she doesnt do/say mean things, protecting the siblings from her teenager-y comments, and not losing your temper.
the first two are very much related, and hurtful comments need to be responded to so that the younger victims feel safe around her (depends on how bad it gets and how strong the younger ones are, only you can know). let go of whatever you can let go of. as far as your temper, I recently told my teen dd that I have acquired a 'mood deflector' which I don as soon as she arrives home from school. if she starts getting nutty on me I just point to my body and say 'mood deflector' and ignore her drama. sometimes she goes on anyway, but the silly image actually helps me not get sucked in and really does let me keep her negativity from hurting my own feelings. and sometimes she goes to her room (stomping and slamming doors on the way but I dont care because <----- mood deflector!) and occasionally (three times in the two weeks I've been using this) she actually apologized afterwards. so I think the key is to figure out what you need to do to keep your cool. the worst is when I'd get pulled in and respond in kind, then we can go on and on for hours escalating and egging each other on. its bad. if you need to go to your room for a few minutes, do that. take the younger ones along if you need to. call a friend. sing a song. repeat a mantra 'I am calm' or whatever. 10 deep breaths. try something and if its not useful, try something else, I'm sure she will give you another opportunity to find what works.
another thing I try (key word: try. I am far from good at this yet) to view this as an opportunity for personal growth, my own that is. that kinda keeps the resentment down for me.

Mrs Bissli

Mon, Feb 23 2015, 7:02 pm

I heard in a seminar (given by a very hands-on and allegedly 'cool' teacher who counsels teenagers) that teenagers can behave badly/be rude to family members, because they know it's a safe environment. A teenager will never be able to get away with such attitude among her/his peers because her/his reputation will vanish in instant. So I try to take it as a compliment that DD can feel comfortable 'dissing' me or other members of the family.