Did I say something offensive?

amother

Periwinkle

Sun, Aug 16 2015, 3:09 am

I just had a phone conversation with my sister-in-law that left me wondering if I had crossed a line. We were talking about this and that - her daughter is sick, our boys are going back to yeshiva today, etc. - and then she told me that her 21-year-old son is going back to yeshiva straight after his driving lesson. She talked about his driving lessons for a bit - he's already done 11 and is doing really well - and then I asked out of curiosity why he's taking driving lessons if they don't even have a car. She said that it's a good thing to have and she pointed out that we don't have a car either yet we do rent one every now and then. I told her that that's true, but it's my DH who has a license, not the kids. Then I added as an afterthought that in my boys' yeshiva, they're not allowed to take driving lessons anyway. She said, "I'm not even talking about that." And then said she was going to wash because she hadn't eaten breakfast yet. I told her I hoped her daughter feels better, she said she does too, and then we said good bye and hung up.

I was left wondering if I had offended her in some way or if I'm just imagining that she didn't seem to like the way the conversation was going. I didn't ask her why her son needed a license as a criticism in any way; it was merely out of curiosity and I think my tone conveyed that. Does it sound like she perceived it as an attack? Should I call to apologize or will she have no idea what I'm talking about? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

animeme

Sun, Aug 16 2015, 10:02 am

To my knowledge, in Israeli yeshivos, bachurim driving is a hot button issue. They must have thought very carefully before making this decision, and it's possible that within her own circles it's not so simple for her to talk to anyone about this, so she likes being able to talk to you.

Amarante

Sun, Aug 16 2015, 10:45 am

I'm not sure you said something offensive but, at least IMO, your comment made no sense.

If your husband drives, at some point, he had to learn how to drive. Driving is a very useful skill even if one doesn't have a car at the present time. At what age, is learning to drive an appropriate skill?

Your opinion seemed to be second guessing her parenting choices and was judgmental.

zaq

Sun, Aug 16 2015, 10:45 am

Your questions may not have been outright offensive the way baldly stating "you shouldn't be letting your sons learn how to drive" would be, but I can definitely see where your sil may have perceived an implied criticism. You should have quit while you were ahead, which was after your sil pointed out that your family occasionally rents a car. Pursuing the issue past that point made your questions sound like an interrogation, and interrogation in turn implies disapproval. Your nephews don't attend your ds yeshiva, right? Then how is your ds yeshiva's anti-driving policy relevant to your nephews?

dancingqueen

Sun, Aug 16 2015, 10:54 am

animeme wrote:

I learned on imamother about women being forbidden to drive but this is something new. Why can't young men learn to drive?

zaq

Sun, Aug 16 2015, 11:07 am

dancingqueen wrote:

I learned on imamother about women being forbidden to drive but this is something new. Why can't young men learn to drive?

Well, it's not concern for their parents' auto insurance rates or the fact that young men have an astronomical automobile accident rate. It's because having a driver's license means freedom. Ability to go places beyond the daled amos of the yeshiva means the yeshiva has less control over them and there is a great fear that they will get into mischief of the scandalous sort.

amother

Periwinkle

Sun, Aug 16 2015, 1:01 pm

OP here. Thanks to all of you for your perspective. I suppose I might have made her somewhat uncomfortable.

For the record, it was not their decision to let their son learn to drive. She told me a while back that he expressed interest and that they agreed since his yeshiva lets their bochurim drive. I was asking her today why he was interested in learning, not why they wanted him to learn.

(Regarding my DH learning to drive, he learned in the US when he had a car, and he only converted his license to an Israeli license when we already had a large family. Not that any of that is relevant to my nephew.)

P.S. While I was writing this post, my SIL called and shmoozed for about half an hour about everything under the sun as if she wasn't annoyed at me at all, so hopefully it was just my imagination. In any case, I didn't feel it was wise to bring it up at that point.