I feel awful - daughter's affection getting on my nerves

amother

Red

Thu, Oct 15 2015, 7:46 pm

I have a great, warm relationship with my 5yo daughter. But she can be VERY kissy and is often hanging on me, grabbing onto me or leaning on me. I feel terrible because what mother gets annoyed when her child shows affection?? I can't handle too much of this, but of course I hide it so she doesn't feel bad but sometimes I have to free myself from her hanging on my arm or whatever because it is uncomfortable. Am I alone in this?? I'm not an nice queen, I swear! I'm just not a very touchy person in general and I don't always like this clinginess.

amother

Coffee

Thu, Oct 15 2015, 7:57 pm

When she starts getting clingy, give her strong hugs and lots of kisses. She may be picking up on your discomfort and is trying to compensate or she might just be a touchy kind of person. Either way, the firm hug/touch can help ground her and will likely reduce her need to cling on to you.

causemommysaid

Thu, Oct 15 2015, 8:04 pm

she must not be getting enough physical affection from you. Why dont you make an effort to hug her 5 times a day for at least 30 seconds each time. once when she wakes up, once before school, once right after school, once before dinner, once before bed. It will take 2.5 minutes of your day and it will help her be less clingy

Fox

Thu, Oct 15 2015, 8:12 pm

Definitely try giving her concentrated physical affection, but don't feel guilty about setting limits, either. Babies need to learn to self-soothe at bedtime, and older kids need to develop multiple strategies for self-soothing.

If you've hugged/touched for a few minutes and her need remains insatiable, declare a "personal space" zone. I used to tell my kids to keep an arm's length away from me when they became "touchier" than I could tolerate.

Should it turn out that your DD is just a "toucher," you'll be doing her a favor by gradually introducing the idea that many people need personal space and that love isn't dependent on touch.

amother

Red

Thu, Oct 15 2015, 8:26 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

I DEFINITELY give her lots of affection - kisses, hold her hand, lay down with her on shabbos pm - I think she is just touchy. Op

Petra

Thu, Oct 15 2015, 8:37 pm

My DD is 6. She has been my most affectionate child. Lately she has been in the habit of squeezing and hugging me as hard as she can when I get home from work. Sometimes I have to brace myself or she'll tackle me. That I don't mind.

What I can't stand though is when she grabs my arm with a vice grip and proceeds to hold on tight and pull on it to try and prevent me from going some place or just to get my attention.

howru2day

Thu, Oct 15 2015, 8:41 pm

I definitely don't always allow my kids to touch me as long as I know that they are getting plenty of hugs. When I feel annoyed I gently remind them to keep their hands to themselves and sometimes I try giving a different sensory alternative. I try not to show them that I am annoyed hence they will be sensitive about it but it is OK if they learn that touch is not always allowed.
I think your feelings are completely normal.

causemommysaid

Thu, Oct 15 2015, 8:54 pm

amother wrote:

I DEFINITELY give her lots of affection - kisses, hold her hand, lay down with her on shabbos pm - I think she is just touchy. Op

I read an article about hugs specifically.

They are the most therapeutic form of affection. Perhaps if you gave her extended hugs throughout the day she will be less needy.

kisses, hand holding, and laying down fri night just don't have the same physical effect.

here is an article I found:

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0......html

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Oct 15 2015, 9:07 pm

Talk more. Make eye contact more. That is a form of touching. Sing with her more. Perhaps while holding hands and beating out the music's rhythm with your hands.

Eye contact is the big one.

Don't let her do anything that really annoys you. No grabbing or hurting. But still be friendly after setting limits. But set them. You can't hide your annoyance, so make sure she isn't annoying you. Slowly. This isn't learned in a day. You train. Over time.

amother

Red

Thu, Oct 15 2015, 9:28 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

This is interesting. Thank you. Op

seeker

Thu, Oct 15 2015, 9:56 pm

I don't have any expert backing on this but my personal preference is to explain to the child what types of touches I like, and the importance of touching people in ways that they like and not in ways that they don't like. I think hiding your feelings is only going to backfire because the child is going to pick up on it and either feel bad or try harder. Also, I have a tendency to eventually snap if I don't kindly put a stop to it and it continues. So we have occasional conversations about the importance of respecting other people's wishes regarding touch (including the importance of having her own wishes respected, and how to express that need) and I use the same kind of words that I would want her to use if someone is touching her in a way she doesn't like. I'd rather give her the full affectionate attention for a few seconds (return the hug and kiss with a smile) and then calmly, kindly, and firmly tell her that I've had enough, rather than let her hang on me while I'm half busy thinking the whole time of how to get her off and then eventually start using an annoyed voice at her. I think the former leaves her with a more positive and loving experience overall. Teach her other ways of showing love. "When Mommy's in the middle of doing something, you can say 'I love you' instead of kisses." or "I would love if you sit here *indicate spot out of leaning distance* and talk to me about your day now. Who did you play with in school?"

amother

Red

Thu, Oct 15 2015, 9:58 pm

seeker wrote:

Good ideas, thanks -op

amother

Red

Thu, Oct 15 2015, 9:58 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

Thank you!

Iymnok

Fri, Oct 16 2015, 4:35 am

I totally relate. I am so sensitive to touch and personal space, especially now when I'm very pregnant. They could feel the baby- only with permission. I sometimes limit which tiles they could go to in the kitchen while I'm cooking.
Try not to go an hour without physical affection.

Chayalle

Fri, Oct 16 2015, 8:37 am

causemommysaid wrote:

I haven't worked my way thru this whole thread yet, but I have to disagree with the first sentence in this post, all the way. As the mother of a child who is alot like the OP describes, I can say for myself that this is definitely not true. My child was long awaited, and we give her a tremendous amount of physical affection. The fact is, there are kids who have natural inclinations to be more touchy than is appropriate (sensory, etc...), and we have to teach them boundaries in a loving way. Personal space, including of mother, is important to teach a child if it does not come naturally to them.

OP, you are NORMAL and some have given you great advice in this post. I think appropriate, strong, grounding physical affection is what is needed, but don't start thinking this is because you haven't given enough.

The rest of this post makes much more sense, and that is - physical affection that is given enough times a day. However, it should be with boundaries. I've been teaching my DD that when we hug, we hug nicely, and THEN WE LEAVE GO - and she has been making strides there.

causemommysaid

Fri, Oct 16 2015, 8:47 am

Chayalle wrote:

Perhaps it is enough for most people but this particular child obviously has different needs. Of course she needs to be taught boundaries but it helps to understand that affection needs are different for every person.

I am not a huggy person by nature but I have family who is very huggy and touchy. It drove me very crazy until I realized that it was a clashing of needs that was the issue. I learned to be more affectionate and they learned to be less and it helped us both.