The insanity of cooking suppers for someone who had a baby

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Mar 13 2019, 1:33 pm

amother wrote:

A friend of mine was recovering from surgery and I received a phone call asking me to prepare dinner. Of course, I agreed.
I figured I was making chicken and mashed potatoes for my family so I would just do extra for my friend and her family.
I mentioned this to my neighbor, and she asked, "But aren't you going to send soup and salad and what about dessert?" She said when she sent meals to people who were sick or had just given birth, she always included a loaf of bread, juice or other beverage, dessert, and sometimes even a package of paper plates and plastic flatware, so the new mother would not need to do dishes....After this conversation with my neighbor, I always think twice before agreeing to send anything to anyone.
OP is so right. Things are definitely getting out of hand....

I'll give you the other side.

I'm an empty nester, and my kids don't live nearby. My husband was hospitalized in the ICU for 10 days; there was no kosher food available for visitors, and no kosher stores or restaurants nearby. I didn't have time or inclination to cook, so I simply didn't eat most meals. I turned down all offers of help. But one night, a friend ordered takeout for me, which I found on my doorstep when I got home. I almost cried for joy. It didn't matter what it was; it was real food. And even though I claimed I didn't need anything, I'll flat out say it was the nicest thing anyone ever did for me. Ever.

So if you can, send what you want, and don't worry about others. And if you can't send, well, then don't. I bear no ill will towards anyone who didn't send me anything.

southernbubby

Wed, Mar 13 2019, 1:57 pm

If an organization is well run, they can find people who don't have time to cook but who can pick up the food from the person who cooks and deliver it to the recipients. Sometimes potential volunteers say "no" because it's too difficult to go running around at supper time.

Also those in charge sometimes really are abusive. A potential volunteer should be able to say what they are able to contribute without being made to feel inadequate for not being able to measure up to an artificial standard. If someone is pushy and doesn't respect your limits and tries to make you feel guilty, RUN the other way.

As was said up thread, there are numerous ways to help.

OBnursemom

Wed, Mar 13 2019, 2:33 pm

happinessseeker wrote:

I honestly don’t understand this. Say no - I’m sending chicken and potatoes. Why on earth do you need to join the insanity by caving in? You want to help, you felt good about doing it your way, so do it! The mom will appreciate it just as much - if not more because when it’s your turn, she’ll be relieved to send plain chicken and potatoes!!

I don’t need anything fancy when I have a baby. I do have a large family though, and it’s so nice to feel cared for. The first few weeks postpartum are so difficult for me. I have a hard time asking for help though, so I don’t ask unless someone offers to arrange meals for me. We have cereal and hot dogs for 3 weeks and we deal. I feel bad everyone thinks it’s insanity though. I was just telling a coworker the other day about how we take care of each other immediately postpartum, and she was so impressed. I’ve never heard anything like this thread in real life though. So either people don’t say anything IRL and vent here or I just don’t live in that kind of community.

amother

Seashell

Wed, Mar 13 2019, 2:40 pm

So, just to comment on the story of the maid opening the door. I have a full time maid, where I live it's standard and very reasonable. She doesn't cook, and there is no take out where I live. Restaurants are exorbitant. So yes, I sometimes ask people to make dinner for me after I have a baby, in fact, after I moved and the kitchen wasn't ready, I also asked for dinners and Shabbos meals.
There is no one organizing it for me and I always preface it with " please be honest if you can" and people are really helpful. I have even sent raw chicken or meat from my freezer to a friend who was willing to cook it but didn't have the to go to the store.
But having a maid does not mean that there is always a way to have cooked food.

happinessseeker

Wed, Mar 13 2019, 2:41 pm

OBnursemom wrote:

I’ve never heard this in real life. And I’ve participated in meal trains for postpartum moms. It didn’t seem like anyone made anything so elaborate. For example, I sent soup, a meat and potatoes dish, and salad. Made the same for my own family.

Maybe I (thankfully) don’t live in a community with so much pressure surrounding cooking, or maybe my friends simply don’t do more than they can handle.

amother

Orchid

Wed, Mar 13 2019, 3:17 pm

amother wrote:

Surprised to hear this. I was on the receiving end of meals for a slightly extended period of time and most of the meals we received were perfect - a main and a side (we received chicken and rice many times and it was delicious!). More than that would have been too much to get every day. And quite honestly, I was so touched by the many people that reached out wanting to help that a super basic meal meant the world to me; I would never have thought to feel like it wasn't enough.

mig100

Wed, Mar 13 2019, 3:26 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

I'm definitely in! Maybe we can get some imas to come out of the woodworks for the club as well!

welcme shishkabob to the "non-supermom" club where we dont HAVE TO do 'everything" that "everyone" else does, or live up to "everyone" elses standards.

it doesnt seem like too many are joining -I havent read all the recent responses. though it seems everyone would rather argue if offering a hand to a kimputer is insanity or not - and how many courses the supper has to be in order not to keep up with "everyone" else

we can have lots of fun enjoying life- while everyone else has fun comparing themselves to the supermoms next door who works full time with 20 kids and house looks like a meuseuam and makes 10 course meals for every new- mom in the neighborhood. LOL

Maybe we can start a spin off- though right now have to take a break from imamother- I do HAVE TO get back to work! LOL

watergirl

Wed, Mar 13 2019, 3:35 pm

mha3484 wrote:

I used to make a lot more meals for my friends but I notice that most people want to eat between 4:30 and 5 and I am not not even home yet. A neighbor had surgery and I looked at the meal train but when it said dinner should be delivered at 4:30 I had to pass. I guess I am the odd one out who eats dinner later?

I also pass on mealtrains that as for that time of delivery. I get Home from work around 4 o’clock every day, sometimes after. I just can’t make that happen. Especially when they request it delivered hot ( so I can’t make it the night before and bring it to them out of my refrigerator). We eat around 645.

Last edited by watergirl on Wed, Mar 13 2019, 3:36 pm; edited 1 time in total

SixOfWands

Wed, Mar 13 2019, 3:36 pm

mha3484 wrote:

... and now you know why I always volunteer to cook on Sunday.

gingertop

Wed, Mar 13 2019, 3:37 pm

mha3484 wrote:

I have that problem occasionally as well. We do later suppers. I usually just don't do meals for people who need them at that hour unless it's my next door neighbor. I can't drive over at that hour.
I sometimes send over a breakfast for people who I can't send a supper for. There's something nice about them having a nice spread all for themselves when the kids are out.

amother

Red

Wed, Mar 13 2019, 3:55 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

I would appreciate if someone called me and asked me to cook for kimpeturins. I did it in the days that I lived around a lot of people and there were lots of neighbors. Now I'm the only Jew on my block and I was not included in any neighborhood chesed things . Does anyone know how I can volunteer? Who do I need to speak to?

You can make me more vegtables. LOL

They were delicious.

Wed, Mar 13 2019, 4:00 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

How kind of you to want to volunteer. There might be a committee (official or otherwise) at your shul to organize meals. You could ask your rabbi/rebbetzin, president (or other prominent community member), or other women, perhaps someone who gave birth recently. Someone must know who is doing what.

gingertop

Wed, Mar 13 2019, 4:02 pm

amother wrote:

If a husband can't man up and put a piece of chicken in the oven for his postpartum wife, while his kids eat pizza, because he is "allergic" to it and therefore they "need" delivered meals, then yes...that is entitled.

I really don't understand this post.

I don't know any kimpeturins who asked for suppers. I certainly didn't. It was offered by my neighborhood nshei, by my art class friends, by a distant relative and by alumni from my sem. It helped tide me over during the first two to three weeks when afternoons were nightmares of the infant crying nonstop, my husband out too late to cook supper, myself busy with hw and baths and hardly in a state where even warming food could happen. It was a huge help. We could have had pizza but why does it bother you that I had homemade meals? You don't have to cook for me!

When someone I know has a baby, I am more than happy to cook for them. Occasionally, I have to turn down a request and when I'm the one organizing, I always let potential volunteers know that they don't have to feel obligated. More often than not, it's the other way around. I get too many phone calls of people telling me they want to cook even before I get to them and the kimpeturin refuses to accept so many suppers.

It's really nice all around and a lot of us really like to cook and really love to pamper someone who just had a new baby! I am very glad to give an overtired husband the homemade meal he "needs".

I see no downside except for people who have a hard time saying no when they can't do it. If that's the problem, I really don't know what to say.

I think the organizers should phrase their requests in such a way as to make sure that the chessed is not done reluctantly. I try to do that. I'll be more conscious in the future to even more clearly ensure that no one is feeling forced into it. Certainly, chessed is not a chessed if it's wreaking havoc on the giver's evening.

But other than making sure that this is all strictly volunteer work, I really don't see the downside in pampering a kimpeturin and her family.

thunderstorm

Wed, Mar 13 2019, 4:05 pm

cm wrote:

Lol. The shul doesn't have a rabbi, there is no president, I don't know anyone other than when I go to shul on Simchas Torah. I live a pretty reclusive life since I moved to this neighborhood. I'll have to find out if anything exists. Otherwise maybe I can be the one to start it around here.
When I had my baby this year, I made sure to cook and freeze a few weeks of meals in advance because I knew that it wouldn't be offered. It was actually some really nice imas here on Imamother that offered. But B"H I had plenty and didn't need.

egam

Wed, Mar 13 2019, 4:09 pm

amother wrote:

Don’t pay attention to such people. She can do whatever she wants and you do it your way. Whenever I make supper for someone, I make the same thing that I’m making for my family that day. What can be better than chicken and mashed potatoes?