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The insanity of cooking suppers for someone who had a baby
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amother




Sienna


Post  Wed, Mar 13 2019, 9:30 pm
amother wrote:
I feel bad for your husband. You sound like someone that isn’t the most considerate wife. I wonder if you would ever help your married kids or say it’s their kid and they should not rely on anyone for help Can't Believe It


You feel bad for her dh because she expects him to help out while she’s pregnant and postpartum? I thought that was just normal.
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amother




Scarlet


Post  Wed, Mar 13 2019, 9:35 pm
amother wrote:
You feel bad for her dh because she expects him to help out while she’s pregnant and postpartum? I thought that was just normal.


No because she has zero empathy for the challenging parts of having a child. Just because it’s a Bracha and everyone is grateful and trying to do all they thugs they definitely should be doing doesn’t mean we (wives/ parents/ friends/ community) shouldn’t be supportive if we can. Whether by offering grand physical help like sending a supper or just sending over a tray of cookies for the new mom. It’s just being nice, it doesn’t mean the new mom or dad wouldn’t be ok without it, that they expect it or think u owe it to them.

I’m bh expecting my first after quite a few years, because of various factors I will be by my mother iyh iyh. I’m actually a little sad to miss out on the camaderie that comes with ppl bringing u some treats and the feeling of a ‘village’ there to welcome ur baby with you.
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amother




Tan


Post  Wed, Mar 13 2019, 10:23 pm
Why is it so easy and expected to prepare and freeze weeks of meals for your own family while pregnant and possibly not feeling great, but suddenly so so difficult to prepare ONE meal as a kind gesture for a family that may or may not need it? I just don’t get the contradiction here..
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tichellady




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Mar 13 2019, 10:31 pm
It’s a wonderful chesed but not for everyone. Whoever is able to do it should be appreciated and those who are unable shouldn’t feel guilty. In my neighborhood it’s mostly single people and retired people who make meals and it’s super appreciated. No pressure to make anything fancy here, just healthy homemade food.!
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southernbubby




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Mar 13 2019, 11:30 pm
amother wrote:
Why is it so easy and expected to prepare and freeze weeks of meals for your own family while pregnant and possibly not feeling great, but suddenly so so difficult to prepare ONE meal as a kind gesture for a family that may or may not need it? I just don’t get the contradiction here..


Women who are reaching their due dates need to conserve their strength. Maybe she could make part of a meal if she feels up to it but it would be inappropriate to pressure her.
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amother




Floralwhite


Post  Wed, Mar 13 2019, 11:55 pm
People feel really strongly about this.in my community an online meal train is set up for new mother’s, shiva houses (which I find much more stressful as it’s usually tons of adults), often 1-3 days when someone moves, and other extenuating circumstances (someone in hospital or whatever).
The link is posted for the community and people choose to sign up.
There’s no pressure, no ridiculously over the top meals I don’t think. Just plain old fashioned home cooked meal.

It’s about creating a community, nurturing a post partum woman, even just the fact of having someone check in on her during the day is such a vital part.

I don’t know when having a baby become no big deal, but historically and culturally women were treated differently after they had a child. Not just expected to resume regular life immediately.

In general, in my community, men and women divide household responsibilities, so when a baby is born the man is usually still working full time plus juggling additional responsibilities, and although my husband can cook, he comes home earliest at 6:30 and my kids go to bed at 7-7:30 so to make dinner, serve dinner and do bedtime in 30 minutes is really ambitious. (I have c sections so I am completely out of it for at least a week.)

I am happy to make dinners, happy to receive. It’s really beautiful.

Why the hate?
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amother




Hotpink


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 1:02 am
I did not ask anyone to cook meals but I did accept 1 week from an organization in my neighborhood that cooks for new moms when they called me to offer meals. My parents and in laws also helped with dinner for another week or 2. That said, I would not judge anyone that needs meals provided for multiple weeks. I could have really used more help after my youngest baby. My husband was in a really bad place mentally at that time, and was not functioning at all (leaving bed only to use bathroom and nothing else). My baby had gastric issues that caused her a lot of pain and I couldn't put her down for a minute as she was constantly screaming in pain. I put together whatever I was able to, and b"h no one starved and we all survived. But you can never know what's going on in another person's life.
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etky




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 1:58 am
amother wrote:
People feel really strongly about this.in my community an online meal train is set up for new mother’s, shiva houses (which I find much more stressful as it’s usually tons of adults), often 1-3 days when someone moves, and other extenuating circumstances (someone in hospital or whatever).
The link is posted for the community and people choose to sign up.
There’s no pressure, no ridiculously over the top meals I don’t think. Just plain old fashioned home cooked meal.

It’s about creating a community, nurturing a post partum woman, even just the fact of having someone check in on her during the day is such a vital part....



So I was going to say this.
At my stage in life I find myself cooking much more often for shivas and people convalescing from illlness and/or their families. I also sign up to help out at shivas when this is necessary, as it often is.
Occasionally I will still cook a meal for a yoledet and it makes a nice change to do something for a simcha.
This type of what can be called 'intimate' help is really what brings a community together. Food especially creates a bond between people. When you cook for someone you are giving of yourself.
This community effort is an unspoken contract of mutual assistance and you never know when you will end up on the receiving side and under what circumstances.
It definitely is one of the most beautiful aspects of belonging to a community.
Nowadays, with mealtrains, FB and community e-mail lists there is no reason to feel pressure to do anything beyond what you are capable of doing.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 4:28 am
What Etky said.

I my community we have FB groups where people post spreadsheets. Those who can commit to a meal or part of a meal do, and those who can't, don't. No one has to feel put on the spot to contribute, and no one gets guilted about it. I think it's a brilliant arrangement.
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amother




Green


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 4:38 am
amother wrote:
I feel bad for your husband. You sound like someone that isn’t the most considerate wife. I wonder if you would ever help your married kids or say it’s their kid and they should not rely on anyone for help Can't Believe It


I think it's important that people are self sufficient. It's nice to have help when you NEED it.
If 2 adults decide to have a baby, I hope they know that there will be a birth, the woman will need to rest and the family still needs to eat *gasp*.
Once the woman finds out she's pregnant, she has 7-8 months to prepare for this birth and the 2 weeks after. She's also hopefully not a single mom and has a husband who should care enough about hair wife and possibly kids to ask if he can cook sometimes.
If I ask someone for help it's 1. My husband , if he can't do it 2. My parents or siblings, 3. My friends and 4. Neighbours.
It's really not my neighbours problem, that I decided to have a baby and didn't prepare for it. That's my opinion. I have 14 and I've gotten food from neighbours over the years but I've always made it clear that I cook in advance and my husband cooks aswell.
What I like to do for my friends when they are sick or have babies, I invite their kids over for dinner, so the mother can actually rest.
Also if I know someone is super overwhelmed, had a complete bed rest pregnancy etc. Then they need food obviously. That's a need. Not someone who just couldn't care less, because why should I, everyone will send food.
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amother




Salmon


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 4:58 am
There is something so special about a homemade meal PP.
Honestly, the fancy foods I've got weren't really enjoyed. Plain old fashioned chicken and rice. And a soup. Nothing is better than that.
When I sent meals, that's what I made. I just sent an extra portion because, ya never know if someone will be extra hungry.
I also find that the soup is the most appreciated. I did. And when I sent to ppl, that's what they appreciated the most too.

Something about soup.
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amother




Peach


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 6:10 am
amother wrote:
I think it's important that people are self sufficient. It's nice to have help when you NEED it.
If 2 adults decide to have a baby, I hope they know that there will be a birth, the woman will need to rest and the family still needs to eat *gasp*.
Once the woman finds out she's pregnant, she has 7-8 months to prepare for this birth and the 2 weeks after. She's also hopefully not a single mom and has a husband who should care enough about hair wife and possibly kids to ask if he can cook sometimes.
If I ask someone for help it's 1. My husband , if he can't do it 2. My parents or siblings, 3. My friends and 4. Neighbours.
It's really not my neighbours problem, that I decided to have a baby and didn't prepare for it. That's my opinion. I have 14 and I've gotten food from neighbours over the years but I've always made it clear that I cook in advance and my husband cooks aswell.
What I like to do for my friends when they are sick or have babies, I invite their kids over for dinner, so the mother can actually rest.
Also if I know someone is super overwhelmed, had a complete bed rest pregnancy etc. Then they need food obviously. That's a need. Not someone who just couldn't care less, because why should I, everyone will send food.


😂😂
This is so ridiculous it's funny!
I'm guessing if you have 14 children that you had relatively easy pregnancies.
You were able to cook for your family while pregnant and prepare for after birth.

In general we - the Jewish community - encourage people to have kids, babies are seen as the biggest Brocha and so much that we do is for our children.
We need to support each other and build each other up. Different people needs different types of support at different stages of life. In order to have children or multiple children, some people need more support than others.

Some people have really hard pregnancies - in all kinds of different ways.
You talk about planning months in advance, for some people the most they can do is take each day of pregnancy one at a time.

I think supporting each other after birth - a vulnerable and delicate time - is so so important. Let's honour the beautiful women that have brought new life into to world.

A bit of empathy and compassion would go a long way.
If you can't make a meal - don't, but don't put down a new mother for needing or wanting some extra love and support.
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Raisin




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 6:25 am
FranticFrummie wrote:
What Etky said.

I my community we have FB groups where people post spreadsheets. Those who can commit to a meal or part of a meal do, and those who can't, don't. No one has to feel put on the spot to contribute, and no one gets guilted about it. I think it's a brilliant arrangement.


Yes those spreadsheets are a great idea. Honestly the hardest thing for me is not knowing what people like or need. Some people like plain food. Some like fancy. Some like fleishig, some milchig. Some want healthy, others are craving carbs and fat. That really stresses me out. The spreadsheets help in that you can a. see what others have sent so know not to send meatballs for the third time in a week and b. know if there are any allergies or dislikes.
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amother




Green


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 6:37 am
amother wrote:
😂😂
This is so ridiculous it's funny!
I'm guessing if you have 14 children that you had relatively easy pregnancies.
You were able to cook for your family while pregnant and prepare for after birth.

In general we - the Jewish community - encourage people to have kids, babies are seen as the biggest Brocha and so much that we do is for our children.
We need to support each other and build each other up. Different people needs different types of support at different stages of life. In order to have children or multiple children, some people need more support than others.

Some people have really hard pregnancies - in all kinds of different ways.
You talk about planning months in advance, for some people the most they can do is take each day of pregnancy one at a time.

I think supporting each other after birth - a vulnerable and delicate time - is so so important. Let's honour the beautiful women that have brought new life into to world.

A bit of empathy and compassion would go a long way.
If you can't make a meal - don't, but don't put down a new mother for needing or wanting some extra love and support.


If anything is ridiculous it's the fact that you apparently can't read.
I said it's important to help people who need help. Maybe try and read again, you'll get better at it 🙄
A lot of people who have easy pregnancies or their first baby could do well without the help of others but take it anyway because it's easier. Those are the people I talked about, which hopefully you'll figure out if you read it again.
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amother




Maroon


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 6:45 am
amother wrote:
If anything is ridiculous it's the fact that you apparently can't read.
I said it's important to help people who need help. Maybe try and read again, you'll get better at it 🙄
A lot of people who have easy pregnancies or their first baby could do well without the help of others but take it anyway because it's easier. Those are the people I talked about, which hopefully you'll figure out if you read it again.


You don't necessarily know who's able to fill their freezer during pregnancy and not. To everyone outside my home I look totally functional because I feel fine from 8am-4pm so I work, go to shul Shabbos, etc. But from 4pm to around midnight I can only get off my couch to go to the bathroom, and sometimes that's to throw up, and I'm not in my first trimester anymore even. However, because I'm a relatively private person, I don't publicize this fact, so no one is offering me meals at this point, but I'm looking forward to it being normal to get meals after the baby is born.
(And no, it doesn't make sense for me to quit my well paying job just to fill my freezer during the good hours and I can't cut my hours)
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amother




Khaki


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 6:50 am
I find the meals helpful
I am usually sicker at the end of my pregnancy and can't even think of making something extra for after. my kids are born by c-section but I have still been better after then the months before so filling my freezer is not an option

and my husband can cook but he is usually very overwhelmed at the point so chesed from others is very appreciated.

in my neighborhood we all make for each other and I am happy to make part of a meal when my neighbor has a baby
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amother




Orange


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 7:53 am
I will preface this by saying I have never really been part of a community, and I never received even one pot of food, even though I have had six children.

We managed. I don't get this whole hysteria. Since when is home-cooked food a must every evening? My kids had some cooked food (which dh made), some pizza, and sometimes dinner was just cornflakes with some cut up veggies. (BTW, this is no less healthy than chicken smothered in sweet sauce with oily rice. Just because something is cooked doesn't make it wholesome).

I remember 30 years ago, when my own mother had to go abroad for a couple of weeks, we ate a lot of pizza and had a lot of 'sandwich nights'. We liked the food just fine! Kids don't need or want anything more complicated.

I do get the claim that this fosters community. Yes, I would have felt pampered if someone had bothered to bring me food here and there. But I can see that people have taken it to extremes (does any family really need a soup, salad, a main, a side dish and dessert for a weekday dinner? What is this, yom tov?)
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amother




Red


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 8:23 am
amother wrote:
Are you kidding me? I was in heaven eating your cooking! Better than a restaurant!


Thunderstorm,

I thought about this, and the guilt set in. I would settle for your recipes. BH I am well enough to cook for myself on most days now.
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zaftigmom




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 8:29 am
This is a really silly discussion. Do you check people's bank accounts before giving tzeddakah? If you're able to help a person, great. If you're not able to, don't. We don't have to worry about how much or how little people need. If you don't feel comfortable saying no or sending something simple that's your problem. If you don't understand the need and feel resentful about doing it then just don't do it. I've never received meals. I have difficult recoveries and difficult babies and I don't like to complain. No one goes hungry but it's a very overwhelming and challenging time for me and my husband. Getting meals would be a tremendous help and would also give me a feeling of support which I'm so lacking in that time period. I never ask for it and I don't resent not getting it but there's no denying that it's a help. I can't imagine any situation, even a first baby, where it wouldn't be a help. Do you need people to be falling apart before you do something nice for them? If it's too much for you then just don't do it but if you're able to do it then don't worry about whether or not it's needed.
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TranquilityAndPeace




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 8:31 am
I'm a newborn photographer and sometimes ask friends if they'd rather a supper or a free photo of their baby.

They always choose the photo.

(Perhaps this means I'm not a great cook....🤔)
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