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The insanity of cooking suppers for someone who had a baby
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ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 11:49 am
Everyone do chesed that works for you. No need to begrudge other people's chesed.
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amother




Goldenrod


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 11:52 am
Wow! This thread is long. Personally I usually feel amazing and bored after my babies. I have my kids at home and am fine cooking. The only time I was ever offered meals was by my last one (2.5 years ago). I didn't want to take but so many ppl offered I took for three nights. My kids are picky and I end up not using the suppers half the time. I also have family in town who can tide me over if needed. my last son was yellow for a while and I was very busy with it, but we managed and I was happy I didn't take supper for any more meals.
Personally I find the first few months the hardest and I freeze food for those weeks as soon as I find out I am expecting, I find the post pardon easier.
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ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 11:54 am
amother wrote:
Wow! This thread is long. Personally I usually feel amazing and bored after my babies. I have my kids at home and am fine cooking. The only time I was ever offered meals was by my last one (2.5 years ago). I didn't want to take but so many ppl offered I took for three nights. My kids are picky and I end up not using the suppers half the time. I also have family in town who can tide me over if needed. my last son was yellow for a while and I was very busy with it, but we managed and I was happy I didn't take supper for any more meals.
Personally I find the first few months the hardest and I freeze food for those weeks as soon as I find out I am expecting, I find the post pardon easier.

You feel amazing? Are you the husband or the wife (Just kidding)

I'm trying not to be jealous.

I hope at least you're not going to post "I feel fine after my births I don't see why people need 6 weeks off work" or anything like that lol
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amother




Goldenrod


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 12:01 pm
ectomorph wrote:
You feel amazing? Are you the husband or the wife (Just kidding)

I'm trying not to be jealous.

I hope at least you're not going to post "I feel fine after my births I don't see why people need 6 weeks off work" or anything like that lol


I am on a high after birth and usually feel my exhaustion a bit when the baby is a month or so old. My last baby I had at home and had a siyum in my house (last minute, the nine days) that night and had 30 people. I didn't do much for it besides eat but I had ppl preparing in my house from about an hour after the baby was born. (It was supposed to be somewhere else and it fell thru cuz of the weather so they asked if they can use my house)

All this aside. Lots of ppl feel good after a baby is born. At least I know in my family my mother and siblings are the same way.
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amother




Beige


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 12:11 pm
amother wrote:
I am on a high after birth and usually feel my exhaustion a bit when the baby is a month or so old. My last baby I had at home and had a siyum in my house (last minute, the nine days) that night and had 30 people. I didn't do much for it besides eat but I had ppl preparing in my house from about an hour after the baby was born. (It was supposed to be somewhere else and it fell thru cuz of the weather so they asked if they can use my house)

All this aside. Lots of ppl feel good after a baby is born. At least I know in my family my mother and siblings are the same way.


I also do. Cook me supper when I’m in my 9th month... I feel so good once my babies are out of me!
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ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 12:11 pm
amother wrote:
I am on a high after birth and usually feel my exhaustion a bit when the baby is a month or so old. My last baby I had at home and had a siyum in my house (last minute, the nine days) that night and had 30 people. I didn't do much for it besides eat but I had ppl preparing in my house from about an hour after the baby was born. (It was supposed to be somewhere else and it fell thru cuz of the weather so they asked if they can use my house)

All this aside. Lots of ppl feel good after a baby is born. At least I know in my family my mother and siblings are the same way.


Good genes. Most people feel awful after giving birth. Please Do not imagine that this is normal.

And be sure to be understanding of your future daughter in laws iyh when they cannot function after giving birth.
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southernbubby




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 12:20 pm
ectomorph wrote:
Everyone do chesed that works for you. No need to begrudge other people's chesed.


True, but it often means saying "no" to some very pushy and judgemental people.
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amother




Bronze


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 12:35 pm
Is this the new vaxxing thread?

I am bh a mother to 13. I have at times taken from neshei, and at other times not. It all depends on the situation. When my first few were born, I lived close to both sets of parents and they chipped in with food. The middle children were challenging, because at that point I had moved away out of town, would go away to rest while the kids stayed home with dh who worked long hours and is culinary challenged. So for that one week we accepted suppers for him and the kids. Once I was home I learned about every brand and every variety of frozen/canned/packaged food available in today's market and prepared wonderful dinners on my own. The later kids I already had older kids that tapped into the current life of quick easy prep dinners available in every kosher supermarket.

So I've been on both sides. Please let needy ones get a cozy heartwarming meal and stop being so resentful to chessed projects.
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Rappel




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 12:37 pm
amother wrote:
I am on a high after birth and usually feel my exhaustion a bit when the baby is a month or so old. My last baby I had at home and had a siyum in my house (last minute, the nine days) that night and had 30 people. I didn't do much for it besides eat but I had ppl preparing in my house from about an hour after the baby was born. (It was supposed to be somewhere else and it fell thru cuz of the weather so they asked if they can use my house)

All this aside. Lots of ppl feel good after a baby is born. At least I know in my family my mother and siblings are the same way.


Surprised Surprised Surprised Surprised

Most of this post is jaw-dropping, but I'll start here: Who on Earth asked you to host an event THE DAY YOU GAVE BIRTH???
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ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 12:39 pm
Rappel wrote:
Surprised Surprised Surprised Surprised

Most of this post is jaw-dropping, but I'll start here: Who on Earth asked you to host an event THE DAY YOU GAVE BIRTH???

I know!! I know someone who said " well you have 9 months to prepare what's the big deal" ( she had 17 kids and self catered everything)

Some of us are human!!
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Ema of 4




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 12:42 pm
southernbubby wrote:
At the same time, how do we judge what the givers can give? If the meal trains are filling up, then great, it means that people can do it but what about when it doesn't?

I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m not judging at all. I am all for people saying yes when they can and no when they can’t.
It would be great if every meal train got filled, but the reality is that some won’t, for different reasons. We (the new moms) can try to have our husband help, we can try to have an older kid help, we can give the kids cereal and milk (or no milk, if you have a kid like I have), or we can get takeout. Our kids won’t starve, that’s for sure. It’s rough, and it’s sonetihes not optimal, but when push comes to shove, we always make sure our kids don’t starve. We don’t have meals “coming to us” but it’s a nice thing when ya able to work out. However, we need to be prepared in the even that it doesn’t.
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Ema of 4




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 12:50 pm
amother wrote:
Wow! This thread is long. Personally I usually feel amazing and bored after my babies. I have my kids at home and am fine cooking. The only time I was ever offered meals was by my last one (2.5 years ago). I didn't want to take but so many ppl offered I took for three nights. My kids are picky and I end up not using the suppers half the time. I also have family in town who can tide me over if needed. my last son was yellow for a while and I was very busy with it, but we managed and I was happy I didn't take supper for any more meals.
Personally I find the first few months the hardest and I freeze food for those weeks as soon as I find out I am expecting, I find the post pardon easier.

This is me, minus the family close by. BH I feel great after delivery (my pregnancies are not usually easy ones, so there is a relief in no longer being pregnant) My kids are home (during the times they are regularly home, obviously they don’t stay home from school) and I’m generally fine to do cooking. Like you, my kids are picky, so getting meals would be more of a stress for me than cooking myself. I’m generally not really functioning at the beginning, so there’s no cooking ahead for me.
I would totally cook ahead and freeze for after, but first my kids would most probably not eat it, and second I’ve been due three out of four times right after pesach, so I didn’t have anywhere to put meals. Cooking after pesach and freezing wasn’t an option for me. One was born on pesach, and two were born two weeks later, but I was in no condition to do extra work, and my kids didn’t really eat that well during those two weeks.
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amother




Ivory


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 1:06 pm
Well, my Tatty is bigger than YOUR Tatty.

And MY mother had more than 10 kids and NEVER had a cleaning lady and NEVER got meals sent over postpartum and worked a full day and the house was always spotless and she NEVER made my father cook either.

You don't win any Mommy contest because you have easier pregnancies and the ability to cook ahead of time. You don't win by not accepting meals given to make you feel good and give you a chance to rest. You don't win by making fancier suppers to send to a new mom, saying yes when you mean no, or pushing yourself until you crack.

We've also managed to twist chesed by making it out as if it is something that is only for life and death circumstances, or when the person would be unable to do it alone. It is a chesed to pick up a pen that someone dropped, to give a quarter to a customer who is short, or bring tea to a person going through a hard time. It is also a chesed to do something to show someone you care, and a new mother is certainly at a vulnerable and sensitive moment.

No, I don't think that we are preventing death by starvation when we send kimpeturin meals. But we ARE certainly doing a chesed. And it's a beautiful thing. Of course, there is no shame in being unable to help at any given point in time, and no shame in sending simple fare. And although some may not need or want it, the majority greatly appreciate it.
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mig100




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 1:14 pm
amother wrote:
Well, my Tatty is bigger than YOUR Tatty.

And MY mother had more than 10 kids and NEVER had a cleaning lady and NEVER got meals sent over postpartum and worked a full day and the house was always spotless and she NEVER made my father cook either.

You don't win any Mommy contest because you have easier pregnancies and the ability to cook ahead of time. You don't win by not accepting meals given to make you feel good and give you a chance to rest. You don't win by making fancier suppers to send to a new mom, saying yes when you mean no, or pushing yourself until you crack.

We've also managed to twist chesed by making it out as if it is something that is only for life and death circumstances, or when the person would be unable to do it alone. It is a chesed to pick up a pen that someone dropped, to give a quarter to a customer who is short, or bring tea to a person going through a hard time. It is also a chesed to do something to show someone you care, and a new mother is certainly at a vulnerable and sensitive moment.

No, I don't think that we are preventing death by starvation when we send kimpeturin meals. But we ARE certainly doing a chesed. And it's a beautiful thing. Of course, there is no shame in being unable to help at any given point in time, and no shame in sending simple fare. And although some may not need or want it, the majority greatly appreciate it.


thank you well said
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amother




Goldenrod


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 1:19 pm
Rappel wrote:
Surprised Surprised Surprised Surprised

Most of this post is jaw-dropping, but I'll start here: Who on Earth asked you to host an event THE DAY YOU GAVE BIRTH???


It was supposed to be somewhere else but for various reasons didn't work out. They called me when I asked I labor and I ignored the call. When I had the baby I called family member back they told me they were calling cus the place had fallen they and my house is set up for an event (big room and have lots of tables and chairs) I told them I don't mind they do it by me (especially since I was itching for meat and it was The nine days). They came over and set up and cooked. I just came down to eat later on. It was so so nice!
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amother




Bronze


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 1:20 pm
amother wrote:
Well, my Tatty is bigger than YOUR Tatty.

And MY mother had more than 10 kids and NEVER had a cleaning lady and NEVER got meals sent over postpartum and worked a full day and the house was always spotless and she NEVER made my father cook either.

You don't win any Mommy contest because you have easier pregnancies and the ability to cook ahead of time. You don't win by not accepting meals given to make you feel good and give you a chance to rest. You don't win by making fancier suppers to send to a new mom, saying yes when you mean no, or pushing yourself until you crack.

We've also managed to twist chesed by making it out as if it is something that is only for life and death circumstances, or when the person would be unable to do it alone. It is a chesed to pick up a pen that someone dropped, to give a quarter to a customer who is short, or bring tea to a person going through a hard time. It is also a chesed to do something to show someone you care, and a new mother is certainly at a vulnerable and sensitive moment.

No, I don't think that we are preventing death by starvation when we send kimpeturin meals. But we ARE certainly doing a chesed. And it's a beautiful thing. Of course, there is no shame in being unable to help at any given point in time, and no shame in sending simple fare. And although some may not need or want it, the majority greatly appreciate it.


Thank you.

This thread seemed to be one of those where "if I can't have it, then you shouldn't either", or "if I can't do it you shouldn't either".
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amother




Babyblue


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 1:58 pm
amother wrote:
I was turned off of the whole idea when asked to prepare part of a meal for someone for Shabbos - I came over with the food to find two adult single cousins there helping out. They needed my food like another hole in the head! After that when I was asked, I said no. We have a lovely take out place where one can get good food for Shabbos. Other communities have many such places. Part of having a baby is realizing that paying for take out food, if you need it, is part of the cost. One of my kids was born on Pesach so obviously, stocking my freezer would have been difficult then. Otherwise, many can freeze small items like meatballs, etc. My sister lives a few blocks away from me and my mother lived close by as well. They never cooked for me (why should they have?) and I never got a meal from anyone. (Possibly community members thought my family was cooking for me.)
In any event, cooking suppers for community members made sense when you couldn't buy ready made food. It goes back to the years before refrigeration. I would say with few exceptions, it is not necessary and some people have a hard time saying no because they don't want to look unfriendly/cheap/selfish or whatever. People are asked too many times for no reason and then they may say no when there actually is a reason.
Frankly it is often the same with sitting shiva. A well off member of our community was sitting shiva recently. The family certainly had the money for take-out and all the children were grown and out of the house. The man's wife or close friends couldn't get take out for him? Why did the person in charge of meals ask community members to make meals for him? Let them ask for meals for people who cannot afford takeout. This "lo plug" attitude is absurd.


I don't count other people's money. I particularly don't count it during shiva. I've prepared meals for people who live paycheck to paycheck, and I've made meals for people whose names appear in the Wall Street Journal.

When I cook a meal for a family sitting shiva, I do it to show my love for them. Really, there's not much I can for someone who lost a loved one, other than be there during the shiva (and afterwards), and help provide for their needs. And yes, I've been known to send takeout when I don't have time to cook. But its not just the food. Its the love.

My mother (a"h) is gone 13 years. I sat the first half with my dad, and the second half at home. When I was with my dad, everyone assumed we could order our own food; in fact, he's Conservative, and we're more or less expected to have food out for visitors. How different when I returned home. I can still tell you that a friend called while I was still with my dad, and I asked her to help my husband arrange for food for when I came back, since that's what I was used to. She told me "we'll take care of you." And they did. And it felt like a warm hug.

I'm not telling you that you should cook for people if you don't want to. I'm sure you do other good things for people. But don't put it down.
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southernbubby




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 3:34 pm
amother wrote:
Thank you.

This thread seemed to be one of those where "if I can't have it, then you shouldn't either", or "if I can't do it you shouldn't either".


I don't see anyone saying that nobody should do it. Nobody should be pressured to do it.

Does anyone here want meals from someone whose children will get cold cereal for supper because they were made to feel ashamed to say "no"?
Maybe the true lesson here is to decide what you want to give, even if it is only one dish or salad, and learn to ignore anyone who tries to manipulate.
The online meal trains are great but just because Mrs X is making a gourmet meal doesn't mean that Mrs Y has to offer that but Mrs Y has to be secure in herself due to the fact that all of the posted meals are public.
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ora_43




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 4:23 pm
amother wrote:
All this aside. Lots of ppl feel good after a baby is born. At least I know in my family my mother and siblings are the same way.

I also always felt great after birth (compared to nine months pregnant, anyway), but you know what? After birth was still when I needed to rest. Nine months pregnant I felt tired and anxious, but working out would still have been good for my body. Two weeks after, I felt great - but I needed to rest in order to stop bleeding, and to avoid a crash later on.

Some people are lucky enough to feel good after birth, but nobody has a uterus that magically heals better when it's being jostled around all day.

I'm not saying people shouldn't cook, if they feel up to it. But it does make sense for communities to make sure that not-cooking is an option.

(since this thread is long, and old, it's possible I've already written this here before, or something like it. my apologies if so.)
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ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Mar 14 2019, 4:26 pm
southernbubby wrote:
I don't see anyone saying that nobody should do it. Nobody should be pressured to do it.

Does anyone here want meals from someone whose children will get cold cereal for supper because they were made to feel ashamed to say "no"?
Maybe the true lesson here is to decide what you want to give, even if it is only one dish or salad, and learn to ignore anyone who tries to manipulate.
The online meal trains are great but just because Mrs X is making a gourmet meal doesn't mean that Mrs Y has to offer that but Mrs Y has to be secure in herself due to the fact that all of the posted meals are public.

I just wrote "tbd"

No pressure.
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