Naming after someone when you don't like the name

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 11:34 am

eema of 3 wrote:

What if you use a different version of the name? Like use Zahava instead of golda. Or Shoshana instead of Raizel. My parents named me after my mothers grandmother, and I hate the name. I have never used it, and there was a Shaila if it had to go on the kesuba. I plan to write in my will that my children, grandchildren, etc. are under NO obligation to use that name. I guess it's a good thing they gave me another name too :-)

There is no compromise with some people. It can get sticky with family.

My take - it is up to the parents to name the child.

amother

Denim

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 11:56 am

One of my boys is named after my two grandfathers. They both passed away within 6 months before he was born. At the time, Dh and I were debating if we should name after both or do one and then the other with a subsequent son. I ultimately decided to do both, because what if I then go on to have 10 daughters? I wanted to make sure to cover both, so the first name is one and the middle is the other. Ironically, the grandmother on the middle name side was thrilled to hear him named after while the other grandmother groused that it "doesn't count" if it's shared with another name (she's since gotten over it). I'm glad I did what I did because complainers don't deserve to be catered to, and you know what, it DOES "count" to me. My son is named after my two beloved grandfathers, and I got so much nechama from it,for both of them.

amother

Slateblue

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 1:33 pm

For me, as a convert, I never heard of this kind of pressure to name a child after someone in my life. I always assumed people did it because they wanted to, and most people named after someone who was still alive so they could appreciate it and feel flattered, I'm sure. I get why most of us don't do it that way, but it seems absolutely crazy that there are so many people out there with children's names they either don't even like or just plain resent. We named our first child a name that we could agree on, not after anyone. B'H I'm expecting again and my husband's grandmother recently passed. I don't hate her name but I have a feeling I'll be expected to use it. And I'll say no... not out of disrespect, but as a mother who is carrying a child for 9 months, I should be able to name that child (with my husband) whatever feels right for us. I hope you can make a decision that makes you happy, OP

spring13

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 3:12 pm

Go with your gut. You're the parent, you're the one raising the child, and while other people might get to weigh in, YOU get to decide. Just remember, don't tell ANYONE about it before the name is called out in shul, and don't apologize for it. Make a decision and stick to it, don't bother discussing it with people who are upset. They'll get over it or they'll stew over something that wasn't really their business, and that's THEIR problem, not yours.

Chayalle

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 3:16 pm

perquacky wrote:

My grandmother's name was Shprintza. My mother told me I should feel no obligation to name my daughter after her mother. Thank goodness. We went with Yael.

Funny how that name always comes up as in, don't give that name. I happen to know 3 Sprintzas, and all of them are really beautiful, talented, confident people, so while I can hear that it's not popular...for me, my association with the name is based on these really nice Shprintzies that I know.....

perquacky

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 3:34 pm

Chayalle wrote:

My grandmother wasn't a "Shprintzie." That would have been a lot cuter. And her German name, Senta, always reminded me of a certain jolly fellow in a red suit. You can see why we also chose not to go with that name.

sky

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 3:40 pm

Chayalle wrote:

This.

... Until her Kesubah, no one outside the family needs to know.

this is interesting because I was told if a name was never used it may be considered forgotten and not used on a kesubah. With a boy its less of an issue because they are called up to the torah (unless it is done on purpose - which I just heard a story like that). But with a girl I've heard of this being an issue, some people every so often will call a person by their given name so the name will not become an issue.

amother

Crimson

Wed, Dec 21 2016, 10:12 pm

I know this is an older thread. But I am struggling.
I got SO much pressure from DH, suddenly, after our baby was born to name our baby after someone I a) dislike and b) I also hate the name.
He told me I had no say. I fought so hard against it. We ended up giving another first name and using the name I hate as one of the middle names.
But now his relatives are STILL referring to our baby by the awful name that was forced on me and isn't even really our baby's name, because we call her by her first name. I will be correcting them if they do it in my presence. My husband doesn't want to "make waves" and it is causing a rift between us.
I agree with everyone else who said not to name your child anything you dislike, you'll regret it and resent it forever. Also, you carried your baby and no one should force a name on you. They can all just get over it.

amother

Pewter

Wed, Dec 21 2016, 10:45 pm

Crazy! I've had the same thing in my mind probably since I got married and now that it has come down to it I was gonna post this myself I almost thought I posted it and forgot people are telling me that if I love the child I will end up loving the name I'm not so sure...

amother

Crimson

Wed, Dec 21 2016, 10:52 pm

amother wrote:

Omigosh don't do it!! Trust me...

amother

Seafoam

Wed, Dec 21 2016, 11:20 pm

amother wrote:

That is not necasarilly true.
I did have a name I wasn't sure about and it grew on me and I was totally fine. But I did use another (legal) name for a different kid and I can not stand it.
If you going to be calling the child by that name no nickname or anything and you hate the name I would defiantly think it over before doing it.

essie14

Thu, Dec 22 2016, 2:30 am

You birthed her , you name her
That's my moms attitude and that's my attitude. I really don't care what anyone else wants. My child, I name her.
I have a Yiddish name that I will be giving the Hebrew version of. In my circles we just cannot give a Yiddish name. And I also don't like Yiddish names.

In my family and my circles people either give a name that sounds similar or that has similar meaning.

imasinger

Thu, Dec 22 2016, 5:45 am

Crimson, I'm troubled most by your DH telling you that you have no say in the naming of your child.

Does he talk like that often?

Don't bother correcting the relatives; it would be seen as rude. When your DD is older, she'll do it herself, and they'll be much more likely to listen.

yOungM0mmy

Thu, Dec 22 2016, 7:06 am

Chayalle wrote:

My mother told us many times that she was made fun of and teased as a child, and that she doesn't want any of us to name our children after her. Every one of us heard this from her.

But fast forward, and how can we not give the name?

My great grandmother always said she has a horrible name and no one needs to give a name after her. She passed away when I was pregnant, and by the time my daughter was born, there were already 3 other grandchildren with the name. There was not a question in my mind that we were going to use it, although DH didnt really get much choice, but didnt object Wink

. The first name in the original hebrew, not the russian version which she was known by, is actually very nice and thats what everyone uses, and we just dont use the second one, and its a difficult one, so we didnt put it on her legal papers either. 5 years on, there are over 15 little girls running around with the same name, and as far as I know, only 1 or 2 struggled with it being so different in their circles and went with it anyway, despite my great grandmother thinking she would never have anyone named after her.

amother

Burgundy

Thu, Dec 22 2016, 7:16 am

imasinger wrote:

Don't bother correcting the relatives; it would be seen as rude. When your DD is older, she'll do it herself, and they'll be much more likely to listen.

I respectfully disagree. I would ask the relatives to call her by both names, first and middle. This let's them say the name they like but still validates her first name. And I would do this while she is still a baby, and not aware. As she grows, she will know that these relatives use her full name because they value the relative she is named for, but not be confused as to what her name actually is.

The alternative, I have seen. The child did not correct anyone because that's what she knew. The relatives that called her the other name were around a lot, and the dh got used to calling her that name too, and it was very confusing for her and for all of us around. There were underlying loyalty issues that were not pleasant.

amother

Crimson

Thu, Dec 22 2016, 9:31 am

imasinger wrote:

He started with this controlling behavior when I was pregnant. He's tried to impose many things since. He is the classic Jekyll and Hyde. I think I'm at a breaking point.

mummiedearest

Thu, Dec 22 2016, 9:45 am

the only person I feel obligated to please in this manner is dh. my mother and aunt spent a couple of my pregnancies telling me I must name after my grandmother using her yiddish name or the hebrew equivalent. well, I loved my grandma, but I didn't like either name, and we used a nickname for my grandmother anyway. so I chose a name that was similar sounding to the nickname and told them that this was my form of naming after grandma. they were ok with it, but I really didn't care. there is nothing that irks me so much as being told what to name my child, and I cross any suggested names off my list of possibilities, even if I previously liked the name. I'm difficult that way, too bad. unless I ask for family history (which I have done), no one's input is welcome.

I got very annoyed at my mother and mil for coming to visit after I gave birth to my youngest dd and having a discussion about what I should name her. they stood on either side of my bed and had a whole brainstorming session as if I wasn't there. I think I made up some excuse to get them out of there. I was ready to growl at them.

amother

Puce

Thu, Dec 22 2016, 9:55 am

I named my son after my sister's husband who I was very close to but a) I added a name since
He passed away young and my sister was very upset since I didn't use his exact name and she didn't think it was necessary to add a name and I don't call him by the nickname he was called because I don't like it and I think she was expecting me to b) my MIL was upset that I didn't name after her father (which btw we would have if my BIL didn't pass away when I was pregnant). We thought about adding one of her father's names but we decided against in order to give us the chance to name another child bzh his full name. Naming this child is such a sore topic as I got pressure and flack from my sister and MIL. My MIL definitely feels like I picked my sister over her and disrespected but I'm not sure how she doesn't get that my sister was a young widow and her father was an old man who already was named after by three other grandkids!! All I learned was I'm sure being in either position is hard and somehow it becomes a charged issue but I will not be that person who pressured or makes my kids feel bad. I will make it clear that having a healthy baby is the biggest blessing and I have no opinion on what the name should be. I will not detract anything from the happy time and create animosity/stress/anxiety over picking a name.