PSA, vent don't give other people's kids food without asking

amother

Maroon

Mon, Jun 20 2016, 7:16 pm

Argh, this is so frustrating. My daughter is allergic to wheat, soy and sulfites. People keep giving her food! I was sitting in shul and DD was on my lap and a woman came over and says 'oh, she's so cute!' and pops a piece of sulfited dried fruit in her mouth! I quickly took it out and told the woman she is allergic and washed her mouth and Baruch Hashem she didn't react to it but why would you do that!?

A different time, she was sitting in her stroller and this guy hands her a piece of chocolate dipped cookie that had of course wheat and also soy. I took it away from her before she got it but why would you do that? Lots of kids have allergies why don't you ask???

Arrgh!

chicco

Mon, Jun 20 2016, 7:48 pm

I hear you loud and clear, which is why when I host a play date, I always ask before the parent even leaves, if there are allergies and/or if I can feed the child.

However...
A parent with a child with severe allergies should also bring it up before it becomes a problem. In the two scenarios you mention, my problem isn't the allergy, but the fact that people are feeding your child without asking you. I'd be upset if someone gave my kid a treat without asking me first. It's just disrespectful and in your case, dangerous. Older people are also not as sensitive or aware of severe allergies because these werent as common before as they are now. This is also the kind of thing you only start to think about once it becomes applicable to you. Its second nature to show love or kindness by producing a treat. I can only imagine what a stress this is for you, but you also need to appreciate people are just totally not aware that what they are doing is a problem.

In your particular case I would recommend being up front with people whenever you are at a kiddush or a party and stop the problem before it starts.

Hatzlacha.

Mon, Jun 20 2016, 8:49 pm

Allergies are more common now. That doesn't make it ok to endanger other people's health, but it is more understandable in context. People who are not currently parents of very young children might not have "do not feed other people's kids" so ingrained in their minds, as it wasn't so much of a problem in the past.

I know some parents of children who are too young to refuse offerings of food will put "allergic:do not feed me" labels on the children.

seeker

Mon, Jun 20 2016, 9:06 pm

Well then, let's talk about the other reasons not to offer kids food, in case you grew up in some cave where allergies didn't exist:
1. Kids should never be taking things from others without their parents' permission. In my mind, adults who give treats to kids without their parent knowing are creepy. Typical stranger danger situation.
2. Kid can be on diet or have other reasons to be selective about food besides allergies.
3. You never know if mom told the kid he could not have a treat due to misbehavior or something, and now you just blew it for them.
4. Generally, I feel that parents are responsible for and in charge of their kids and anything you want to do for or with the child should be run by the parents first. Obviously the level of detail depends on the child's age and context and what the activity in question is. But to me, feeding/nourishing my children is my personal responsibility and no one else should get involved without my consent. Maybe I'm just too prickly about this but allergies aside, I get annoyed when my mother gives my kids truckloads of fruit when she knows I'm picking them up before dinner, and I've worked to prepare a nutritious wholesome meal for my family and now they're full of watermelon and other sugary fruits ("But it's fruit, it's healthy!") no appetite for supper but fruit is not filling the way proteins and whole grains are, so at bedtime everyone will be hungry after I've already thrown away their crusty uneaten chicken. I mean, that's just one example (example of me being a freak, maybe, but anyway.)

CM, you think people read the "don't feed me" labels? I dunno, unless it's in huge red letters across their chest I think most people would tune it out. Let's hope for the best, though. My allergic kid I watched like a hawk until she was old enough to internalize the "never take food" lesson. Like literally I would stand within shadow's distance of her on the playground because you never know when some kid will walk by with trail mix and a hole in the bag. Or anything.

TeachersNotebook

Tue, Jun 21 2016, 11:00 pm

I just had this. Not allergies, but I was still annoyed. Lollipops are a special treat for my DD that she only gets in shul on Shabbos. Last Shabbos, there was a huge bat mitzvah in the shul whose theme was apparently lollipops. There were lollipops everywhere, from regular-sized to huge twirly-sized. My daughter had already had 2 lollipops and it had taken a while to get her to accept that she wasn't allowed to have any more lollipops... when my friend comes over and puts one of the huge twirly lollipops in her hand!! Like, even if she hadn't had any lollipops that day, I would never have given her such a big one. It was bigger than she was. All my work convincing my daughter that we weren't having anymore lollipops just went out the window. She was now set on having another lollipop, and a huge one at that! I was peeved. Seriously peeved.

Go away, all you meddlesome food-givers! Smile

amother

Violet

Wed, Jun 22 2016, 5:41 pm

This! And my kids don't have allergies, either. Relatives who just want to give a huge cookie or sugar-encrusted vegetables that don't belong at the main course to my baby who'll barely eat a tablespoon total at a meal. I don't want to waste that tablespoon on empty calories!
And then they claim "but that's my job as a grandmother!"

No it isn't- my grandmothers taught me table manners and my kids grandmothers are encouraging them to laugh with their mouths full. And then they wonder why we don't come around more often Rolling Eyes

Thanks, but first stop trying to choke or poison my kid and maybe we can talk terms.

groovy1224

Tue, Jun 06 2017, 2:21 pm

amother wrote:

Ok this happened again in shul (different shul!) this shabbos and now my kid is on day 2 of a bad allergic reaction.

I am thinking about getting tags like this: https://www.amazon.com/Severe-.....lergy

But is this going to be too embarrassing for my kid?If I do this will I psychologically damage them for life or something?

I would imagine if your child is old enough to be psychologically damaged by a pin, they are old enough to tell people about their allergies. A verbal ten year old who's been living with allergies her whole life probably doesn't need this. A three year old who will take whatever sweets she can get, might in fact need one.

agreer

Tue, Jun 06 2017, 2:22 pm

amother wrote:

I think this is GREAT for younger kids that can't protect themselves! Do not worry about scarring them... you are saving their lives.

amother

Ginger

Tue, Jun 06 2017, 2:45 pm

amother wrote:

Allergy issues, kashrut issues, and any other issues aside, I find this behavior really odd. I assume since you refer to this lady as "a woman" and not even as a friend or acquaintance, that this woman was more or less a stranger to you. I see putting food into a child's mouth as something... intimate. So bizarre for a stranger to do. And how could she not ask first when the child is right on your lap? Just so weird to me, but then again I'm a really private person really into maintaining my personal space, so maybe others would disagree.

My kids have a lot of food sensitivities. Since they are not life-threatening, even relatives don't always take it so seriously and feed them things they shouldn't. It's very aggravating.

amother

Maroon

Tue, Jun 06 2017, 2:50 pm

amother wrote:

Yes, she was a stranger I never saw her before or since.

The one who did it this Shabbos was also a stranger. Different food, but also one she is allergic to.

I bought the tags for 2 children. one is 3 and one is almost 2. Both have allergies, neither are old enough to know it.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Jun 06 2017, 3:33 pm

Excellent reminder!

I'm guilty of this, I did it last Shabbos. embarrassed

Thank Hashem the baby wasn't actually allergic, and no harm was done, but I felt AWFUL!

The mother asked me to hold her baby while she went to the bathroom, and then fixed a bottle. I knew the baby was on solids (9 months old, 6 teeth in.) The baby was very interested in the cookie I was eating, so I have her a small piece. I watched her like a hawk so she wouldn't choke, removed unchewed bits, and she had my full attention the whole time.

When the mother came back I immediately told her that I gave the baby some cookie, because I thought moms should know stuff like that. I wasn't thinking I was doing anything wrong, just sharing our adventure with food.

Mom was a drop upset, because she heard this new thing about not giving babies any gluten for the first year. I'd never heard of that. She assured me that no harm had been done, and that she wasn't mad at me. We talked about how babies usually get teething biscuits, rice cereal, oatmeal, Malt O'Meal, etc. Mom calmed down and everything was fine.

Then I started thinking "Oh my gosh, what if the baby had been allergic!" and I felt really awful and apologized a bunch.

I'm not around other people's kids often, and I'd completely forgotten my rules and manners about other people's kids and foods. I was so happy to be holding a baby, it just flew right out of my head.

DD was lactose intolerant, and she is still allergic to eggplant. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER! I just forgot.

If anything would have happened to that sweet baby, I never would have forgiven myself. Sad