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New Job and DH doesn't understand why...
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amother


 

Post Tue, Aug 28 2007, 8:55 pm
I'm so TIRED!

I just went back to work after 3 years, 2 children, kah, and getting married, not exactly in that order....I work from 6a-3:30p, and he's home with the kids( 2 kids) . No debates about all of this....it's this way or living on welfare and still not making ends meet.

When I told him that I get every other Friday off, he's like "great, we'll go away for Shabbos to X!"....argh...going away is a few hour drive, after packing up me and 2 little kids (including infant)...sharing a room together (last time is was a disaster and the baby and I got sick from losing so much sleep)...

I told him, "Listen, not for a couple mos, until things get settled and after Tishrei too"

He's just like " We'll see."

I said "Seriously, I don't have the koach."

And he's like "We'll see" (let me explain, that "we'll see" means he'll keep asking to go away, making tentative plans with people, and grilling me and pouting if I say it's just too soon!)

Then tonight, he wants to do a day trip on Sunday. Hello! I just started work. When do I have time to do shopping, get some things in order, and just take it a little easy bc I am SOOOO exhausted?

I told him, "Maybe, if I have the koach, but I really think I'm going to be just obliterated by the end of the week."

He's like "Why?" And the thing is, he's tired too. I'm so frustrated with him. It's hard not to start crying when he acts like this, or worse yet, bite his head off. It's like he doesn't believe me when I tell him I don't have the koach...Let me adjust for a few months, then we'll be more settled in our new place, with our new situations... He's not good at waiting.

Oy, thanks for letting me share.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Aug 28 2007, 8:59 pm
If it was me I would be delighted to go away for the weekend.
that would mean to me no shabbos mess and no cooking, thats a break for me.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Aug 28 2007, 9:47 pm
I understand what you are saying. Not having to cook might be nice but at this point (I also have 2 kids) I sometimes feel that staying home and cooking is just easier. Everyone has their own bed, routine, and all their things.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Aug 28 2007, 9:48 pm
Not me. I don't find packing up a large family with babies and toddlers and cramped unfamiliar sleeping condition a treat. I'd rather stay in my own home and spend money on take-out if I need a break. It's probably cheaper than traveling too.
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Bzgirl




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 28 2007, 10:14 pm
Your dh is probably overwhelmed too, that he's home watching the kids. Maybe he wants to go away as his idea of a little vacation? It seems as if he wants to spend quality time together with you. You can shop after work, from 4-6 one day and leave Sunday free for a non-stressful outing in the park, maybe make a bbq--Enjoy life. Hope you'll get your kochos back soon, maybe you can take vitamins to boost your energy?
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avigayil




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 28 2007, 10:42 pm
Your DH and mine sound like twins.

Ny DH, deep down, thinks going away is like giving a get-out-pf-jail-free card away to me.
It took many year to convince him it was not.
I had to sit down with him with a tablet and paper to convionce him things did not appear in our home automatically.

Once I left him home along on a Sunday for 4 hours. When I came back, he was like, "Oh my G-d, how do you do all of this?:"

It all takes ALOT of time. He will get it though. B"H, he watches kids now.

He will figure some more out soon, but never well he grasp all it takes a family to go away for an entire shabbos.

Just remind him about what it takes to get children to go to sleep peacefully each night. Before you return home (if you go away) have him clean up each time before you leave.
If anything, it will deepen his sympatnhy for you.

Good Luck!

...Avigayil
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amother


 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2007, 12:14 pm
I dont mean to be ruse at all!!!! BUT, if it were me id be in welfare and be home with kids so that I could take care of the house because after all its the womans job and a man just CANT to it all like we can, they just cant... and working and taking care of those things is too hard.....

unless u do what he suggests and go away every other week to have a day off. your lucky hes home with the kids, thats good!!! but understand that hes a guy and its overwhelming for him too!!!
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amother


 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2007, 6:45 pm
OP here. The thing is, he's not asking if HE can get out (I'd understand that....he's at home all day.)

He's asking for all of us to go out when in the past 2 weeks, we've moved long distance, and I've started a job...with a 2 yo and a 3 mo....

Like, mamash I'm falling down, and shopping takes more than 2 hours bc I'm new here and nothing is close to anything else and I don't know where anything is...so it takes a lot longer to do weekly shopping, which also entails more bc I'm setting up a new place...

I know being moiser nefesh is really important, but how dead do I have to be. I can barely make it through the workday now...(and to the amother who put her 2 cents in....my working or not working is not a debate...it is the parnossah, and it took me 2.5 years to find a job in the first place.) I have lived on welfare for almost 3 years, and I hate it. I can't look myself in the mirror living on welfare even when I couldn't find work, and now that I have found a job, I wouldn't be able to face myself or my kids if I turned up my nose at earned parnossah.

Anyways, the point is that going away is not never or whatever...but I just moved. IT just seems like no one understands....Not our rav, not dh...

I start to feel depressed that I'm just supposed to flatten myself when I don't have strength and barely any time to take care of myself. My shabbosim are so pathetic bc I'm just to tired...and further more, there's no tiem for me to cook. DH doesn't mind, but I'm already doing about the bare minimum,and I still feel like I am flattenned. I can't have more kids if I'm expected to just flatten myself so badly. I feel like screaming, which is it? Going away for shabbos or more kids? I can't do both! Well, I don't scream it to DH, but I do tell him. He just rolls his eyes.

I want more kids, but I can't do it unless he starts being more understanding about how drained I am and how busy I am. Also, our rabbonim aren't so eager to give out heterim, so I really feel trapped and scared. I dont' want to feel this way about my family.

And I come on here to find some comfort, and I'm just told I should like going out, well, I don't! It's work! We dont' sleep, and I usually end up getting sick bc of it. I pack the kids and myself, I watch the kids all the time (in a strange place that's usually not childproofed enough), I drive almost the whole time, I help the balabusta....it's only restful for DH who basically gets to sit and sit and sit.

I'm a professional, and I can't do my job if I'm exhausted. I have to be sharp and on the ball. I'm starting to really hate being frum bc I just can't do all this, but my kids have to eat and after 3 years this is IT.
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Nomad




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2007, 6:55 pm
tell dh NO you cannot go away.
or have him chip in more.
make it very clear to him that you are feeling this way - he may not truly understand the extent to which you are falling off your feet.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2007, 6:55 pm
Quote:
I can't look myself in the mirror living on welfare even when I couldn't find work, and now that I have found a job, I wouldn't be able to face myself or my kids if I turned up my nose at earned parnossah.


I'm SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!! That's a refreshing attitude-Good for You.
I don't think I can help you much, but it may comfort you to know that 400 years ago, when I studied psychology, I read a list of the most stressful events in life. Moving to a new location, and starting a new job made the list, and you've done both in a very short time. Just keep in mind, that things will settle down, and you will get into a routine, and feel better.
As for going away? Can you tell dh he should go away with the kids, and you'll spend Shabbos at home!?!
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amother


 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2007, 7:11 pm
this does not mean to come across rude at all so I apologize in advance but im curious to know as to why your husband doesnt work?
also I just want to tell u that I am so impressed with what u have done. I would be falling apart for sure. when your husband is home with the kids, is he able to get stuff done. when the kids nap is he willing to clean up or do laundry or something. is he willing to run errands for u while u r at work? I really hope things settle down for u soon. as far as shabbos goes, maybe make a compromise with your husbad and tell him that u r willing to go away but only once a month and plan it ahead so u both know what will be happening.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2007, 7:54 pm
OP here:

Dh doesn't work bc basically, a)he has few marketable skills to make a living parnossah for a family of 4 and b)what jobs he's qualified for, well, most of them he won't do

His specific training/education was before he was BT, and he can't do that job now (it's a job that requires working on shabbos...basically most of the work must be done on shabbos in this line of work)

HE does help out a lot, but I'm still exhausted and still have a lot of housework to come home to...I've been working 3 days now, BH, and I'm just drained. I have to run errands almost every evening on the way home from work, so I basically get about 4 waking hours to do things once I get home.

My husband is very good at learning/being a student, but not at making parnossah. IYH we're going to find him some evening work (which he wants) after Tishrei, if we can find some students who want his tutoring.

It's just I wish I could have a break from his demands to "go out an play" as a family. It isn't play to me. I don't care if he plays (as long as he can get up in the morning with the kids...), but I just want to be home...eating at home, sleeping at home, etc. It's so much easier, especially right now. I'd rather try to find some fun as a family at home....in my tichl.
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2007, 9:25 pm
Maybe he needs more "me" time for himself. I could understand that.
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Bzgirl




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2007, 10:27 pm
I think you are doing great, but about your strength it worries me...can you check it out? or at least take vitamins, you will feel so much better
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leomom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2007, 11:21 pm
I completely, totally, absolutely understand why you are so tired and why going out for Shabbos or day trips is NOT restful for you. It would be reason enough if you either had just moved OR just started a job OR had a 3-month-old!! But you've got all of these stresses and you need to REST. At HOME. Whenever you possibly can.

Tell your husband how much you appreciate that he wants you to have a break, and that for you a real break would be if he would (a) shop & cook for Shabbos, or (b) pick up take-out food, set the table, and give you a week (or two) off.

If he wants to have fun as a family, suggest (a) a picnic on the living room floor, (b) board games, (c) eat popcorn and watch videos, (d) listen to music and dance around with the babies... etc.

You can tell him (nicely) that for the time being you are just not up to going anywhere, period, end of discussion until further notice. It's going to push you over the edge, and his continual requests are starting to stress you out even more at a time that you need LESS STRESS. Everything you do should be aimed at having LESS STRESS. Put a sign on your refrigerator and on your bathroom mirror that says LESS STRESS. Simplify everything. You need to be a whole person and a good mother and you can't do that if you are burning out and falling off your feet.

Also, maybe sit down with your husband and make a list of the household tasks and errands that have to get done every week. Maybe a few more things can get shifted over to his list........ Of course being at home with kids is a huge responsibility and also quite tiring (as all mothers know) BUT at home there is more flexibility to schedule other responsibilities in. It's probably harder and more exhausting for you to run errands after a whole day out of the house working than it is for your husband to do something extra in or out of the house (with the kids).

For example, in my opinion he should really be the one doing the shopping, unless I'm missing something about your situation.

And last but not least, you shouldn't worry about making bare-minimum Shabbos meals. You have to keep your sanity!! Make rice pilaf from a box and toss in a few cranberries while it cooks. Make the easiest kugel in the world. Whatever is fast and easy. Take shortcuts and be proud of all you are accomplishing! You have earned your Shabbos REST.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Aug 30 2007, 8:32 pm
Thanks for the input lately.

I think I'll try being more direct and frank with him...in a kind way, that I need less stress. IYH he'll eventually get the drift. I do take some vitamins, but I actually used to take more and the move, new routine has upset some of that, so I should make sure I'm getting everything I need.

Also, really the easiest thing is for me to pick up groceries on the way home from work bc we only have one car (and it doesn't work to drive me to work, and public transportation isn't an option here)...also the store with the kosher goods is on my way home, but rather a shlepp out ina nd off itself.

He does help a lot; the major issue is that I just want some time at home during my time off until the dust of all these events settles a bit....we still have to arrange drs visits, etc all in the next month...with one car....it's very busy, but I just can't do it unless I can have an easy shabbos at home and a sunday to get some things done and relax a little bit too...play with the kids, etc.
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leomom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 30 2007, 9:01 pm
amother wrote:
He does help a lot; the major issue is that I just want some time at home during my time off until the dust of all these events settles a bit....we still have to arrange drs visits, etc all in the next month...with one car....it's very busy, but I just can't do it unless I can have an easy shabbos at home and a sunday to get some things done and relax a little bit too...play with the kids, etc.


This sounds very sensible and fair and I think if you express it to your husband this way he will certainly start to see your point of view. He sounds like a nice and helpful guy and I'm sure he wants what is best for you. Men just don't take subtle cues or even the biggest, most blatant hint -- you have to be very direct and concrete for them to understand what you need. Very Happy
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leomom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 30 2007, 9:07 pm
One more quick thought: Do any of the supermarkets near you offer delivery?? The cost is usually minimal and you can save a huge amount of time and energy. Just an idea!
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amother


 

Post Tue, Sep 04 2007, 7:44 am
Your post should be printed and handed out to idealistic women planning to marry men who won't work (doesn't matter if it's cause of Kollel or any other reason). There is no excuse for a woman to be Cinderella, it's barely humanly possible. And the pumkin never turns into a magic carriage. Maybe if you are a starry eyed, calm and special 21 year old young wife and mother, you can accomplish it all. But for all the other women trying to be super-woman, it doesn't work.
I validate everything you are feeling and hope that you know it can be different. Men have to start acting masculine again and doing what it says in the ketuba they signed: making a living and providing for the family.
This has nothing to do with being a BT or FFB: it's a matter of family prioritization!
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BeershevaBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 04 2007, 12:36 pm
If he's home with the kids and you're out working, why can't he become a full time househusband - with all it entails?

If he wants to go away, then he has to organize everything.
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