teshuva on thoughtless comment?

Mommastuff

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 10:11 pm

How do you do teshuva on an thoughtless comment? If I bring it up to apologize, that brings up hurt feelings again. I don't even know if the person would remember it, or even if they were hurt at all, but I remember it and it bothers me. It wasn't really bad but I didn't take their possiblly hurt feelings into consideration.

Mommastuff

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 10:30 pm

Ruchel wrote:

Maybe you could appologize to her like "if I ever hurt you, I appologize"?

So I guess that's the fullfillment for teshuva for this, halachically?

Ruchel

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 10:43 pm

I would hate to say something wrong and make the apology non good. Maybe you could ask a rav if it's worth it to bring up the stuff or just to be general?

amother

Thu, Sep 06 2007, 10:26 pm

I agree that it's probably best to be vague, rather ask for mechila for anything hurtful you may have said.
I realized I made a stupid comment a couple of months ago. When a single 25 (?) year old told me her younger sister was engaged, I asked her if she was happy for her.......I really didn't mean it like it sounded, but I instatnly regretted it, covering with, "I mean, do you like him? approve?" but I definately want to ask her mechila without being specific!

Lechatchila Ariber

Thu, Sep 06 2007, 11:56 pm

I think its always better to err on the side of asking mechila.

I once asked mechila from someone for a thoughtless comment I had made and turns out she didn't remember what I was talking about and claims she wouldn't have been hurt by it.

good thing is, I could relax after that, knowing I had asked mechila, she had forgiven, but had never to begin with been upset... and all that wasted energy in stressing out over it for a very long time..lol

Mommastuff

Fri, Sep 07 2007, 12:02 am

EstiS wrote:

good thing is, I could relax after that, knowing I had asked mechila, she had forgiven, but had never to begin with been upset... and all that wasted energy in stressing out over it for a very long time..lol

but what if they do remember and it brings up hurt feelings again? Asking machila would be counterproductive then!

Lechatchila Ariber

Fri, Sep 07 2007, 1:19 am

if they do remember and they haven't forgiven then you need to ask mechila
if they don't accept you need to ask again.
only after 3 legitimate requests for mechila can you say you've done your part and now its their issue to work out.

mimivan

Fri, Sep 07 2007, 4:49 am

I had mixed emotions once when someone made a mechila call. She apologized for ignoring me at a party. I had no idea she had ignored me at a party. However, she told me she absolutely did not intend to do it and only felt, after the fact, that she had perhaps ignored me. Then I started to feel better and was touched by her sensitivity to have remembered such a thing.

I think if you make it very clear the remark was unintentional and only after the fact you realize it could have been misconstrued, it will probably be okay...but the moment I thought it was intentional and yet was unnoticed by me, I felt it could have been left unsaid.

mimivan

Fri, Sep 07 2007, 5:01 am

Ruchel wrote:

That's very thoughtful of you.

Maybe you could appologize to her like "if I ever hurt you, I appologize"?

Oh, I don't respond too well to that. My imagination starts racing..When someone says that, I start thinking,
"So, what did you do to me? We're you the one who egged my car? Stole my sunglasses? gave me that prank call? Sent me that nasty anonymous post on I'm a mother? " The possibilities are endless Twisted Evil

Mommastuff

Fri, Sep 07 2007, 1:43 pm

mimivan wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

That's very thoughtful of you.

Maybe you could appologize to her like "if I ever hurt you, I appologize"?

When I hear the usual flow of generic "if I ever did anything..." I get a little bothered cuz it sounds so fake. I know people are incere but...

This person happens to be very sensetive in general, and they realize it too. That's why I later thought that they might have been hurt by my comment. I think bringing it up again would not be right in this instance.

Lechatchila Ariber

Sat, Sep 08 2007, 10:19 pm

Quote:

When I hear the usual flow of generic "if I ever did anything..." I get a little bothered cuz it sounds so fake. I know people are incere but...

Oh I agree entirely. I don't go for it either.

I've had arguments with people in the past
something that goes like this.

"if I've ever done anything to you I'm asking mechila"

me: I can't think of anything to to be moichel you for

"ok but just in case I've ever done anything to offend you in the past I'm asking you to forgive me"

me: but you didn't do anything so I can't forgive you

"ok just in case"

me: but what did you do?

and so on and so forth

if a person really has something to apologize for then let them come straight out and say it. If there is nothing to apologize for then they can ask I suppose if they have ever hurt the person but other then that I think its silly to apologize without knowing what you are apologizing for.

simply put, I don't care for generic apologies.