embarrassing old photos

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Forum -> Parenting our children

Embarrassing old photos

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amother

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 1:17 am

I have some old photos that I wouldn't want my children to see (and wouldn't necessarily want my husband to see either, although it wouldn't be that big a deal). There's a box stashed somewhere. A while back I threw away any pics that were really "incriminating" (in other words that showed me alone with a boyfriend, not necessarily untznius but still potentially upsetting to my kids), but I still have a bunch that are of old boyfriends or groups of friends I hung out with in high school, etc. - this is obviously before becoming frum after college.

I haven't really been of the school to "burn" (literally or figuratively) all evidence of my previous life. Having photos of my old friends (and even boyfriends) brings me pleasant memories, most perfectly pareve and tznius. I don't dwell on the less-tznius aspects. This was my life, and it's a part of me, these old friends.

So.... I was going through some random papers the other day and came across a photo in an envelope (as opposed to the stashed-away-somewhere box). It's a group picture taken at a costume party, with a bunch of my old friends. There's nothing untznius about it, we're all just standing there in a group.... the only problem is my costume. It's not technically untznius, but it's still embarrassing. I definitely wouldn't want my kids to see it. Everyone else in the group is actually fine - dressed up as doctors, kings, wholesome stuff like that. I was dressed retro-70s.... green bell-bottoms, long blond wig (foreshadowing!!! LOL

) and, um, don't know why I thought I should do this, but... party hats over my chest... you know, the pointy Madonna look I suppose... not sure what that had to do with the 70s, but... embarrassed

BUT this picture brings such happy memories of those friends. The party was innocent enough... no strange/bad/untznius memories associated with it. Still, I'm torn. Should I trash the picture? Or store it away and hope my kids (and husband?) won't see it? The picture makes me smile (laugh!) but it is embarrassing!

Is a BT "allowed" to hang on to some nice memories in a tangible way, even though they're not appropriate for public viewing?

su7kids

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 1:29 am

Personally, I have all my pictures. None too untznius, but one of my wearing a tee shirt saying "I love XYZ" (his name) standing next to him.

My kids tease me like crazy, but they find it quite amusing that I had a life before them.

Keep the pictures. I did destroy love letters and things like that that didn't come from my husband.

mummiedearest

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 1:37 am

keep them. if you're worried about your kids being bothered, try to think the other way. I have a great respect for my parents (both bts). I grew up looking at their old photos, and I think they increased my respect for my parents. I see how hard they worked on their own to change their lives. pictures like that make kids understand that their parents had a choice between religion and a secular lifestyle and chose religion. I am extraordinarily proud of my parents for doing what they did. I know they haven't always felt accepted by ffbs, and honestly, there are times I have pitied my friends for not having bt parents. I think I had a much greater learning opportunity knowing that my parents are bts than I would have had otherwise. if your kids ask you why you were dressed differently then, just tell them the truth. they'll respect you for it, and possibly even appreciate frumkeit more.

amother

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 1:42 am

Thanks... I do also have some letters, etc... got rid of some but there are some that are hard to let go of! That's another decision for another time, I guess.

About being "dressed differently" before being BT, well, I have plenty of old photos that show me wearing T-shirts and shorts, etc. Just regular family photos of me growing up. I have no problem with my kids seeing those, and I totally agree that this actually INCREASES their appreciation for the fact that I (and my husband) chose to be frum.

And I suppose "pareve" old boyfriend photos would be palatable when kids are older, even adults possibly, and come across them.

But what about the party hats?????? embarrassed

mummiedearest

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 1:57 am

save the party hats for when your daughters are teenagers, I would have thought they were hysterical. you can keep that one away from the boys...

amother

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 2:36 am

Hm... how does one keep something away from the boys, but not the girls? It's true that I think it would be worse for a boy to see this photo than a girl. A teenage girl WOULD think it's hysterical... but then, does that take something away from the respect a daughter should have for her mother?

greenfire

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 7:53 am

hey memories are fine and I would definately keep em ...

p.s. I wanna see the picture with the green bell bottoms Mr. Green

amother

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 8:00 am

Anonymous to protect the identities of the innocent!!!
I love seeing my mother's pictures from the 60's of her and her friends in mini-skirts, and smoking Wink

Sometimes I feel like our children can be overwhelmed, we only present to them stories of perfect Gedolim, perfect people. I know that as a child, I would've felt that if I can't be as perfect as them ,why try to be anything at all?
It's good to see women who today are long skirt-bullet proof stcking-sheitel wearing women, wore a miniskirt back in the day, and still managed to do OK. Gives me hope!!!

amother

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 9:07 am

greenfire wrote:

p.s. I wanna see the picture with the green bell bottoms Mr. Green

I will bli neder scan & post later....!!!!!! When the kids aren't around....

chocolate moose

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 9:11 am

A friend years back got rid of all of her and I did the same. Never looked "back"...

Ruchel

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 9:51 am

If the pic is clean, why get rid of it? I have pics of myself as a kid and teen, dressed like we did in my community (pants, short sleeves, shorter skirts stuff like that). I don't see the problem, I'll just tell my dd in the previous generations there was less education and emphasis on tznius, which is true, but that she is lucky to be taught the right thing from start!

If I want her to think people always dressed like now, I would have to throw out most family pics from the 1900's on! LOL

Not to mention the girls raised with me (cousins, friends...) still dress like this for a good part, at least until they start wanting a shidduch, so it wouldn't be very believable.

You can't also get rid of all your memories??

Now, I think the boyfriends pics should be thrown away for the respect of the husband. And I don't know, it seems embarrassing to me to explain the kids you had a boyfriend...

chocolate moose

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 11:22 am

Naaaah, the pictures of me planting trees in Israel in shorts? Out they went.

amother

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 11:22 am

I'd keep them. Sounds like you had a great time!! I wouldn't show them to the girls in the younger rebelious teen years I'd wait till later teens when they could really appreciate it,& You. I am ffb,grew up a little more modern than we are now but overall not that much has chnged. I have always been amazed at the strength & vision that it must take to become frum. I have often wondered that even if I had gotten to a point of recognizing Hashem would I have had the strength you did? You & your children should be proud.They would be impressed that you had a good,wholesome life & chose Torah.

Ruchel

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 3:53 pm

chocolate moose wrote:

Naaaah, the pictures of me planting trees in Israel in shorts? Out they went.

lol!!

Raisin

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 4:20 pm

You could photoshop the party photo to remove the party hats.

greenfire

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 6:13 pm

amother wrote:

greenfire wrote:

p.s. I wanna see the picture with the green bell bottoms Mr. Green

I will bli neder scan & post later....!!!!!! When the kids aren't around....

really ... kool ... can't wait ...

amother

Mon, Sep 10 2007, 12:48 am

Well, OK now, here goes.... I photoshopped out everyone's faces except the two creepy guys on the right! (Nice people, really.... although I can't remember their names...) The other people were my high school friends. One of them (a girl) still is! She has changed a lot since then, too. She has started lighting Shabbos candles... Very Happy

I'm on the left, with the... well, the green bell-bottoms. Sorry, you don't get a close-up. Although I have a vague memory of having a "better" shot of me at the party, and I think I did trash it a while ago...

Note the shaitel head! Foreshadowing, I tell you, foreshadowing!!! Who knew??????

amother

Mon, Sep 10 2007, 12:57 am

Raisin wrote:

You could photoshop the party photo to remove the party hats.

True, but then I would have it on my computer and it would be davka saved for posterity. (I have already deleted the scanned photo and all evidence of tampering...)

And yeah, I don't think I would anyway davka bring out this photo to show my kids. I'm more concerned about what would happen if they just came across it by accident.

I don't feel this way at ALL about photos of me in shorts, etc., from my growing-up days. I am indeed grateful and proud that I made the choice as an adult to become frum, tznius, etc. My children are very aware of my BT-ness and I have no problem with that.

About the boyfriend photos... I don't really want to discuss old boyfriends with my kids but I would if it came up when they are much older (preferably adults themselves). I did toss a bunch of "couple" photos, but kept some pareve "friendly" looking ones or ones just of the BF alone. I can imagine saying, "That was a friend of mine in college," etc. and it would be true - and no further info would be needed.

My husband also has an album with "evidence" of his previous life, and I don't mind at all. I think it's kind of touching, actually. He's obviously a completely different/new person now, as am I.

I have a friend who threw away ALL photos of her dressed non-tznius from before becoming BT, and while I completely respect her decision as being the right thing for her, it just seems a little extreme for me personally.

Thanks everyone for your insights.... very helpful. So... what do you think of the pic???? LOL

leomom

Mon, Sep 10 2007, 1:10 am

amother wrote:

This is a really good point. I'm a bt and I've seen how my own parents have increased their observance over the past decade or so since I've been married, and the fact that they have made changes as they've learned more gives me a great deal of respect for them. I know how far they have come.

Our kids can definitely appreciate that we have chosen a life of Torah and mitzvos and that we feel being frum is the best way to live. Hopefully this will help them want the same kind of life for themselves.

I keep family photos but I'm careful about those that I really wouldn't want my children to see, ever. And I don't keep anything that I would need to hide from my husband. Basically I go on the assumption that someday, somehow, it's all going to be exposed to eyes other than my own!

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