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Affection towards difficult child

 
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amother






Post  Sun, Jul 24 2005, 9:57 am
I need desperate advice from any older, more experienced mothers. I have a child who has been very difficult to raise for several reasons - some hers and some mine and some just circumstances. B"H we have come a long way together and things are slowly getting easier. The problem is that I don't show enough affection towards her - hugging, etc. Its so sad but I dont remember the last time I hugged her. I kiss her goodbye, hello, goodnight, etc, but because of all the difficulties, I have found it too hard to just hug her. I am not the most affectionate of people, but I can and do still hug my other kids. Please, please help me before it is too late. She is already nearing pre-teenage years and I am already scared that it may be too late.
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deedee




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jul 24 2005, 12:08 pm
Quote:
but because of all the difficulties, I have found it too hard to just hug her. I am not the most affectionate of people, but I can and do still hug my other kids

how about INSPITE of all the difficulties H' should give u the strength to overcome and hug!! I dont know ur sit and I dont want to judge u but how do u think ur daughter feels when u hug the other kids and not her. maybe once u overcome this hug issue u will see that ur difficulties are not so hard any more.
basically what have u got to loose? I think ur daughters self esteem is worth what a hug would do. it has to be a real hug or else she will know the diffrence! try to remember that she will I'H be the mother of ur grandchildren, so what u do or dont do now will also effect them.
does she hug u or show affection towards u and if she does so u give back or push away? have u sought way to learn how to forgive ur self and ur daughter for what has happened in the past?
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Tefila




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jul 24 2005, 12:48 pm
Amother it's good you realize this is and can get to be a bigger problem so kol hakovod u realize this now.
Listen how about taking just her and you where she wants to go as long as it's a kosher place obviously. And just stam talking her way no criticizing even if it seems like nourishkeit just listen, be her friend. After she's seen u try a few times conc this then when you will be able to really hug her not only will she feels that it's coming from u'r heart but you will find it so much easier.
If children do not recieve affection when they r younger then when they r older sadly they make look 4 it else where. You can't beat u'rself up conc the past we all wish there were some things we couldv'e changed. But u can change the future be loving etc. And the saying fake it till u make it may also be applicable here.
I should also add, some kids the other parent relates to eigther b/c they r similar in personality or more cases then not they r the exact opposite. So when I find one of my kids r more challenging b/c he's sooo much like me I get my husband involved and it's like a miracle 1,2,3, no arguments etc it';s just done. So if a child imo has atleast one parent they can fully relate to and confide in it's still better then none at all. But atleast the other parent shouldn't be viewed as an enemy. Hatzlacha


Last edited by Tefila on Sun, Jul 24 2005, 12:56 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Mandy




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jul 24 2005, 12:56 pm
I would not recommend hugging and touching her if you haven't done it until now, especially if you are not a huggy/touchy person to begin with. it will just feel fake to you and her.

Instead, try to develop some sort of little ritual- either weekly or daily. Like sharing a danish on Sunday morning or going for an evening walk or some class that you take together or going to get an icecream cone on Thursday nights or something like that. A regular thing like that will develop a bond and be low key and eventually open her up to you. It doesn't have to be a big deal production and a "meaningful conversation" each time. Just a nice time, special for the two of you. You don't have to be the same way with her as you are with the other kids- just b/c they get hugs doesn't mean she needs to have the same thing. Maybe some other special ritual or time will mean more to her and be more unique.
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chanab




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jul 24 2005, 5:11 pm
Physical touch is important.I heard at a parenting lecture that it doesn't have to be hugs per se. You could adjust a collar of a shirt in passing, or stroke her hair etc--little things that add up and that show the child you can connect with her. It shouldn't seem like a conscious effort though(eventhough it will be)
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carrot




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jul 24 2005, 5:28 pm
mandy your advice seems good to me. that can open the way to a more relaxed relationship so you can give hugs pats massages whatever and it won't feel so fake.

a regular scheduled thing is good to reestablish trust.
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tzivi




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 25 2005, 1:45 am
Quote:
I dont know ur sit and I dont want to judge u but how do u think ur daughter feels when u hug the other kids and not her. maybe once u overcome this hug issue u will see that ur difficulties are not so hard any more.


This is not judging??

If someone doesn't have anything constuctive to say..... say nothing at all.
When someone posts something, they are asking for help, not rebuke!!

This is like pouring salt onto wounds.
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deedee




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 25 2005, 11:50 am
I am not judging, I dont know how her daughter feels I'm just trying to give a different perspective of how a sibling might feel when she is the only one not getting a certain kind of affection. maybe if she can put herself in her daughters position it might be easier for her to hug her.
just because u dont think its constructive.....different things work for different people!!!
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Tefila




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 25 2005, 12:54 pm
I agree w/h deedee if one all the time trys to pet someone then how on earth are they going to grow we have to sometimes try to show someone how the other side feels even if we don't dolly up the words.... yep applys to me too embarrassed
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supermom




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Aug 03 2005, 12:16 pm
I have the same situation with my three year old all the agrievation she caused me since she was born non stop crying until today I feel not close to her either she is cute but I am not as close to her as my other two. my husband feels bad but now that he sees her crying spells all day long he understands. I am trying though to hug, kiss her sometimes but it is hard because of so much she has put me through. Amother I feel your pain there.
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Tefila




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Aug 03 2005, 12:25 pm
super I understand you but remember she's only 3 and nows your chance to be affectionate like a goodnight kiss and hug like a hug when she comes home from school etc
My son was a preemie and in the hospital for 3 mnths so I had to force myself then to be loving and affectionate and when he was able to smile and coo I felt the love spontaneously and it became real love not just the fake it. So try and as I say fake it till you make it and one day sooner then later it will b/come real and sincere Wink
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supermom




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Aug 03 2005, 12:39 pm
trust me I am trying to push myself and hopefully one day all this faking will lead up to a good positive relationship with my daughter.
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gryp




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Aug 03 2005, 1:13 pm
supermom- please please hug and kiss her now when its easier to, because as she grows it will only get harder if you havent.
shes only 3 years old, and any trouble she gave you was certainly not intentional. let go of the grudges you have against her before they grow ot of control. its not even fair to hold her responsible for what she did the first 3 years of her life. just forget all of it please, and treat her like your others.
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supermom




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Aug 03 2005, 1:18 pm
like I said I am trying the best possible way so this way when she does get older hopefully we will have a wonderful relationship
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curly




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Aug 09 2005, 12:19 pm
when you are with her try to focus on the positive. There must be at least one thing that she is good at or hobby for example art etc. whatever it may be. when she is doing that show interest and love at that time. It might help you form a bond.
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SK




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Aug 09 2005, 1:12 pm
Just a thought - maybe not totally related, but can help bring out the positive.

As part of our bedtime routine, I have the kids think of one mitzvah that their sibling (not them) did during the day. Of course I moderate to make sure that each kid has something said about them, (and there are some days where we really have to think hard ) BUT it creates a very positive feeling between the siblings (AND myself) - sometimes after a long or hard day, you forget the good stuff (and even on the worst days there has to be at least one thing good). The kids are so proud when bring up the good, and it creates a warm feeling from you to them, which may then make it easier to feel loving.

And as previous posters mentioned - don't single the child out, do it with everyone. My children are still young, so it may need to be adjusted for an older family - maybe a similar idea - but around the table at supper time...

Good luck
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curly




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Aug 09 2005, 5:04 pm
sk that is a great idea. I remember in school sometimes teachers made us do that. We had to write something good about everyone in the class.
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baby's mom




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Aug 09 2005, 5:41 pm
Sk That is an excellent idea!! Very Happy
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Tefila




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Aug 09 2005, 8:43 pm
Quote:
As part of our bedtime routine, I have the kids think of one mitzvah that their sibling (not them) did during the day. Of course I moderate to make sure that each kid has something said about them, (and there are some days where we really have to think hard )

Wow I have 2 try that too Tongue Out
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granolamom




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 15 2006, 8:40 am
I just found this post and can totally relate. my dd is 7 and spent her first 4 years screaming all the time. she still pushes my buttons in a way her brothers don't.
I'm sure the original poster can well imagine how awful her dd feels, thats why she posted here. I think people gave some really great advice and I just wanted to add something that works wonderfully for us. I started sharing my hobbies and interests with my dd. this way we're doing something that I love and get genuinely excited about and some of those feelings reach my dd. of course doing things SHE loves is important too. and I love the idea of sharing a danish once a week.
thanks for starting this thread, I thought it was only me.
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