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Enraged at child
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 26 2005, 11:02 pm
Sometimes my child misbehaves or acts so disrespectful that I become enraged and completely lose my temper. I am ashamed to say this, but I will sometimes even use physical force when I am so angry. I NEVER hit, and don't think I can, even in my worst mood, but sometimes I'll grab him a little too hard, or put him in his room a little to hard and he falls down hard.
This does not happen often, only when he really acts out, and I am already in a bad mood for other reasons. The combination makes an ugly scene and I always feel horrible afterwards.
Am I the only one? Crying
Is it possible to be a loving, soft spoken, in control mother at ALL times?
Please share your experiences, especially ideas on how to remove myself from the situation and not it get me so angry. Don't bash me, I feel horrible already. Sad
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hisorerus




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 27 2005, 12:33 am
There's a beautiful book by Sarah Shapiro, that talks about her struggle with just that. (http://www.judaism.com/display.asp?fp=289&sp=07)

Don't worry, we aren't perfect, we're works in progress.

Kids will survive- I grew up in a home where we were (rarely) hit as a form of discipline, and I'm not scarred from it!

A nice suggestion I heard (not so easy to implement) is to wait until you're calm to discipline. Try holding your breath for 20 seconds, saying a kapitel of Tehillim by heart, going to a different room for a few seconds, etc.

But please remember that you're human!
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JEWISHMAMA




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 27 2005, 3:51 am
You´re not the only one. Sometimes my kids make me so crazy but as long as you work on trying to stay calm you´ll be ok.
It took me a long time to control my temper and I learnt that the more stress I was under the worse it was.
I still lose it every now and then but it is a constant battle.
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Tefila




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 27 2005, 11:35 am
Amother the other day my 3yr old woke up 6:00am shock and wanted to eat breakfast I told her after I washed negel vasser w/h her no way was I going down to give her breakfast so early in the morning but if she wanted she could have a banana or sandwich which I had made and wrapped in the fridge the night b/4.
What a fuss she made. then my twins woke up from the noise my husband had left for mikveh already. So I lost it w/h her and firmly took her out of my room and told her calmly if she didn't stop crying by 3 I would lock my door and she could cry all she wanted in the hallway by herself. I did just that after 5 min she calmed down and said mummy it;s ok I'll have a banana.
So yes firm love is important and as long as u try to distance u'rself somewhat like a teacher u won't lose it totaly. 1) be firm but do it calmly! 2) Lock u'rself away for a little while from them to calm down.
3) lower u'r voice to gain attention since Screaming never ever helps.
And as long as u give u'r child loads of love then on the off occassion when u did what u did then it won't scar them 4 life.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jul 27 2005, 12:33 pm
THis is another amother.

OMG!!!! I do the SAME exact thing. and I always feel sooooooo bad abt. it!
it's so hard to stay patient all the time. one of my rebbeim once told me that you ALWAYS have to be working on patience.
I find it hardest when my child is doing something wrong that I have to take him/her away from it immediately- like about to pour a whole box/bottle...upside down. then you don't have the time to count to 10 or say tehillim. I feel better picking him/her up and firmly (w/ some force) putting him/her someplace else for time-out. I think that's better than yelling at the top of my lungs or patching.

so no, you're not the only one and thanks for making me feel good that I'm not the only other "terrible mother" out there!!!
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stem




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 27 2005, 1:06 pm
I think that it's unusual to find a mother who NEVER raises her voice or loses her temper, but there are people who don't and I am always in awe of them.
Kids really know how to set us off sometimes, and it's a constant battle to refine our Middos.
My oldest is a type A personality - very controlling. She must have her way, and she loves to boss everyone around. I have to constantly think of new ways to outwit her without losing my mind on the way. Yes, I lose it sometimes and I feel like a total failure when that happens.

My Kallah teacher told me that Hashem gives us kids who directly affect the area that we need to work on ourselves. If we are too lazy, Hashem gives us a child who needs constant stimulation and activity. If we are nervous or quick to anger, Hashem gives us a sensitive child who needs a calm environment to thrive. It's true, look at your kids and the way they drive you nuts, and you'll find the area that you need to work on yourself.
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613




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 27 2005, 1:30 pm
stem wrote:


My Kallah teacher told me that Hashem gives us kids who directly affect the area that we need to work on ourselves. If we are too lazy, Hashem gives us a child who needs constant stimulation and activity. If we are nervous or quick to anger, Hashem gives us a sensitive child who needs a calm environment to thrive. It's true, look at your kids and the way they drive you nuts, and you'll find the area that you need to work on yourself.

WOW! I like that idea! thanks for sharing! (and I agree w/ what you wrote before that, too!)
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smile




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 27 2005, 2:44 pm
I also used to get upset with them and even used to hit which I always regretted. But I stoped straight away when I saw that my two years old used to smack herself whenever I told her off when she was doing something wrong. So I stoped from one day to the next because I hated it seeing that she thinks whenever I said something she thought it is time for a smack. Now I try to say things in a calm way or I take her in a other room for a few min which she understands is a punishment. And on top of it she never smacks herself anymore B'H. and I feel much better as a mother. I just hope that when she is older she will not remember it anymore because I am so ashamed.
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gryp




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 27 2005, 6:38 pm
heres something to think about: a lot of times when a parent gets angry at a child for misbehaving, its because the parent is taking the misbehavior personally. it sounds ridiculous but a lot of people do this- just remind yourself that the child is not misbehaving purposely just to annoy you, and you will be much calmer and have more control over your reaction.
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miriam




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 27 2005, 8:17 pm
very good advice
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1stimer




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 28 2005, 3:53 pm
If you find yourself getting angry, remove yourself from the situation, either emotionally or physically (if possible) also try to figure out what triggers your anger e.g. hunger tiredness and deal with it I.e. make sure you've eaten, slept or take a coffee.

Also make a firm resolution to never get angry again and monitor yourself to see how you are doing. Acknowledge the times you win and the times you fail. Maybe set yourself a 'punishment' if you do lose your temper, as a deterrant.
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Motek




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 28 2005, 6:41 pm
amother wrote:
Sometimes my child misbehaves or acts so disrespectful that I become enraged and completely lose my temper. I am ashamed to say this, but I will sometimes even use physical force when I am so angry. I NEVER hit, and don't think I can, even in my worst mood, but sometimes I'll grab him a little too hard, or put him in his room a little to hard and he falls down hard.


amother - I'm going to use what you wrote to be a bit of a Devil's Advocate. I am not addressing you personally with the following comments!

Okay, I am wondering about a seeming double standard here on the part of some posters on this forum. If a man would say just what amother did here, and instead of using the word "child" would say "wife," what would posters say? Well, considering the Marriage thread in which posters suggest that the wife divorce, leave, call the police and report the human scum, etc. I would be correct in assuming that the identical advice would be given concerning the comment in this thread if it was said by a husband.

But surprisingly, not one poster in this thread suggests that Child Welfare agencies be called in to remove the child from the home and that the mother be thrown in jail. Why is that? It's because we think the mother is basically okay and although she loses it occasionally, she is not a bad mother.

So why is this different than a spouse acting the same way? With a spouse, at least it's two adults, while this thread is about little children!

please explain!
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Tefila




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 28 2005, 7:21 pm
Motek if the childs arm was twisted or was beaten then social services should be called in. But sorry a child is not ones lifes partner and what amother said she did was atleast regretted and she wants to get better. In the husband situation it didn't seem that way.
Exclamation .
Though enraged at child is definatley the wrong title it should be more frustrated or enraged w/h oneself for letting themselves get that way.
Halavay an abusive spouse should voluntarily seek help b/c they abuse their spouse , you think this happens or only after he's forced to realize will he go 4 help. Sorry motek baaaad comparison
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stem




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 28 2005, 8:49 pm
Yes, "enraged at child" sounds very harsh, though I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I just "see red" when my daughter talks back, or says something completely out of line. What
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Motek




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2005, 12:10 pm
no freilich, it's an excellent comparison and I'm waiting to hear from all the posters who wrote in the Marriage thread so I can hear why they think this is different.

I amother posted the following in the Marriage section:

Quote:
Sometimes my husband thinks I don't do the right thing or that I act disrespectfully and he becomes enraged and completely loses his temper. I am ashamed to say this, but sometimes he will even use physical force when he is so angry. He NEVER hits, and I don't think he can, even in his worst mood, but sometimes he'll grab me a little too hard, or push me a little too hard and I fall down hard.


YOU WOULD BE OUTRAGED!!!
and what would your advice be????
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Tefila




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2005, 12:19 pm
Motek was that the original amother of that thread since I responded to the original one and never saw this one. Scratching Head
And yes thats terrible conc amother what she wrote but she asking for help voluntarily she agrees there's a problem and wants to change the other situation it seems he's in denial and doesn't want to. Which leads it to b/come way worse. ANd anyway I never said pushing another human being or grabbing them was way to go shock But now she's asking how to change we are trying to help her. And yes there is a difference btw a husband and wife scenerio vis a vis a child one. Though no human being deserves to be abused eigther emotionally or physically ever!!
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Motek




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2005, 1:00 pm
freilich wrote:
Motek was that the original amother of that thread since I responded to the original one and never saw this one.


no! it's an adaptation of the first post in THIS thread

Quote:
but she asking for help voluntarily she agrees there's a problem and wants to change the other situation it seems he's in denial and doesn't want to


okay, so I understand this differentiation of their REACTION, but I am asking: what's the difference between ACTING this way towards a spouse and acting this way towards a child?
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carrot




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2005, 1:47 pm
motek, you have me thinking. but I can't say I agree with you. there are elements that are supposed to be in a parent-child relationship that are not supposed to be in a husband-wife relationship, and vv.

for example: you are supposed to discipline your kid; you can monitor what they eat; you can tell them to go to their room and even put them there; they are not allowed to call you by your first name or disagree with you, you can even forbid them to leave the house or socialize with certain people and all that is part of being a very good parent.

If you would treat your spouse that way, that would definitely be a sign of something wrong! So even though it doesn't make it right to be too violent with your kid, it is not the same as a spouse pushing the other spouse a little too hard. a spouse should not even be a teeny bit physically forceful with the other, at all, ever!

and it goes the other way too. there are things we do with our spouses that would definitely be called abuse if we did them to our kid...
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sarahd




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2005, 3:36 pm
It's a parent's job to be mechanech his child. A husband has no business trying to be "mechanech" his wife. Without going into the details of the propriety of corporal punishment, Shlomo Hamelech said "hachosech shivto sonei beno." He didn't say anything about "ishto". Why do you suppose this is so?

(BTW, are we to understand from your post that you think that the amother whose arm was twisted, who is being beaten twice a month, is not a victim of abuse? Please clarify.)


Last edited by sarahd on Sun, Jul 31 2005, 4:03 pm; edited 1 time in total
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gryp




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2005, 3:57 pm
I agree with freilich, carrot, and sarahd:

Quote:
if the childs arm was twisted or was beaten then social services should be called in.


Quote:
but she asking for help voluntarily she agrees there's a problem and wants to change the other situation it seems he's in denial and doesn't want to. Which leads it to b/come way worse.


Quote:
ANd anyway I never said pushing another human being or grabbing them was way to go


Quote:
A parent has a chiyuv to discipline his child, which is not an obligation between spouses


[/quote]
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