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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> School age children
imasinger
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Mon, May 22 2017, 3:35 am
amother wrote: | 4 is a struggle at times. I am totally all about natural consequences and consequences that are directly related to the offense. But this child is tough. She tends to react with "I don't care" and it gets very tempting to come up with something else that will make her care - even if it has nothing to do with anything. (Example: I tell her the cookies are to serve on shabbos, don't eat any. She eats one anyhow. I tell her since she took one now without permission, no dessert this shabbos. She says, "So? I don't care." So then I'll say, "and no friends over.") I know it's not fair but her cool exterior in the face of punishment sometimes gets to me. |
This kind of thing has a tendency to escalate in teen years.
The added punishment says, "You succeeded in pushing my buttons!". To a kid, that's like winning a jackpot, no matter how harsh your punishment that follows.
Don't do it. In the end, you lose every time.
Think of yourself as their sports coach. You might occasionally need to bench a player, but their success is your ultimate goal.
In the case of the cookie, what might happen if instead of you first responding, "then you can't have one on Shabbos", you said, "hey, why did you do that?"
Or, if you set it up as, "I made these for Shabbos, but you can choose to have it now instead, what do you choose?" Thus avoiding the power struggle.
If she really wanted it now and not on Shabbos, as long as she doesn't either get upset then, or grab another, what's it to you?
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amother
Lawngreen
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Mon, May 22 2017, 6:49 am
In addition to responding with love and compassion, I would have the child pay for the damages somehow. Children must be shown much love and care, but must also learn personal responsibility - you don't just get to damage others' property because you couldn't handle your feelings.
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marina
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Mon, May 22 2017, 9:24 am
sirel wrote: | you're an awesome mom marina. |
You are too kind
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