How to bond/stay close with ds learning out of town??

imasinger

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 4:24 pm

Since OP was gracious and apologized on the other thread, I will respond after all.

I think that all the issues that came up on these two threads offer an object lesson in communication that applies well for the question at hand.

1. Be nice. If a little snark got such a reaction on a board full of strangers, how much the more so with one's son. Keep a close eye out for sarcasm, snark, criticism, and try not to offer any of the above. (You can ask my DS who is away how I came to learn this.)

When giving advice, avoid "you should." Instead,try, "these are some strategies that I sometimes use." When giving mussar, keep it short and to the point. And if you cause pain or anger, apologize sincerely.

2. Be dl"z about the responses you get. He may not see if he was hurtful or distant.

3. Short, frequent communications often work better than expecting or demanding DMC's.

4. Setting a regular time to talk is helpful. I speak to my bochur almost every afternoon, usually for just a few minutes.

5. Make off Shabbosim a little special. Serve a favorite food, plan a special activity.

6. I got these next two from an expert in parenting teens. Have plenty of times where you communicate your ideas and hashkafa on important matters. Your kids should know what you think about computer use, exercise, hachnassas orchim... Anything and everything that you have an opinion about. Share your passion and your logic when it is all theoretical, so it will be available when needed.

7. Remember that teens are self centered. They will grow out of it, but it usually doesn't help to tell them that the zit on their forehead is not what everyone is noticing at the chassuna. Validation and refocusing works better.

May these teen years serve as a wonderful basis for a strong long distance relationship to continue when he leaves the nest.