Advice- friends kids who are impossible?

amother

Wheat

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 10:41 am

I have a good friend/neighbor who has challenging children.
one in particular, whos in between both of my girls, can be quite the terror (shes 6 year old)
my girls are constantly complaining about her saying shes bossy, shes mean, shes always screaming too loudly...
while youd think we would just stop playing together, we cant because we live next door, and the rest of the kids play so nicely together.
we are outside all the time with all the neighbors and kids on the block

and my friend, is really a great friend to have, shes so easy going, she takes my kids all the time if im stuck, she says there so easy dont worry, im happy to have them, and I try to do the same for her, but my girls really can't handle having over this kid.

any suggestions? (besides for distancing our family from them. that is not possible)

groovy1224

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 10:54 am

Maybe you can have her over, but entertain her by herself apart from your girls? If she watches your kids for you, you should really reciprocate as much as you can. Maybe your kids can color in their rooms while she plays in the playroom or something. Or find an activity that doesn't lend itself to bossiness and fights? Like play-doh, or stickers?

Of course, this canalso be a teachable moment- you can explain that there are all sorts of difficult people in the world, and they should do their best to include her even though it's not always the most pleasant. Maybe you can give them a little treat if you see them go out of their way to be nice to her.

saw50st8

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 10:56 am

Can you problem solve with them all together? Pick one issue to start with and then talk to your kids with her and give them each a turn to talk about what their part of the problem is and work together to find a solution they all like? After a while, they can probably do it on their own. (Read Raising Human Beings which discusses this in detail)

Learning

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 12:27 pm

They have to play outside together because there is no choice. But don't send your kids over there if you need someone to watch them and don't accept her kids over your house if she needs a babysitter. She is nice but your kids are a higher priority. And maybe she is son ice to you because no one else is willing to have her kids and she is trying to manipulate you. Even if she doesn't just have this boundary. You can say that it's too much for you. You are not required to give her a reason. Your kids are complaining to you. You need to listen to them and don't expose them to this girl more that you need to.

amother

Goldenrod

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 1:50 pm

Learning wrote:

.

Kind of harsh, isn't it?

As the mother of a challenging child, I am offended. I am well aware of my child's issue and limitations. I invite the neighbors and friends over for this reason, so I can mediate when necessary. We are also working on developing and learning social awareness.

On the occasions when the kids play at someone else's house I welcome the opportunity to recharge, but I try to avoid overdoing it as I know how exhausting and challenging that might be.

Manipulating? Please.

I definitely understand setting boundaries, though. (I actually asked one neighbor to be forthcoming when having this child over is too overwhelming. It helps me when dealing with certain behaviors for said child to hear a stranger say, "Not now." Or "When you are calmer you can come over."

amother

Wheat

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 2:01 pm

amother wrote:

.

As the mother of a challenging child, am offended. am well aware of my child's issue and limitations. invite the neighbors and friends over for this reason, so can mediate when necessary. We are also working on developing and learning social awareness.

On the occasions when the kids play at someone else's house welcome the opportunity to recharge, but try to avoid overdoing it as know how exhausting and challenging that might be.
Manipulating? Please.
I definitely understand setting boundaries, though. (I actually asked one neighbor to be forthcoming when having this child over is too overwhelming. It helps me when dealing with certain behaviors for said child to hear a stranger say, "Not now." Or "When you are calmer you can come over."

op here-
right exactly this- she is not manipulative in the slightest- I think she invites my girls over bc its easier for her to monitor behavior then to send over and know that it might be hard.
and children will always be exposed to all diff kinds of kids, good, bad and in between so not playing together doesnt help...
I like the idea of picking one issue and find a solution.

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 7:48 pm

I hear that its not the easiest situation but bh its not reallllllly your problem and it sounds like the parents are aware of the issues and are trying to deal with it.
I would use it as a teaching thing. When your kids come to complain to you, I would say something like 'I know! I hear you. and this is why we should never be bossy (or whatever it is) - because it makes other people so upset... '
I would also say 'there are always going to be people in your life who are difficult, but the important thing is to be nice/strong/(whatever you want them to know) and have good middos. Its not always easy but it just makes us stronger...' something like that. that's what I would do.
You said the mother is a good friend. I would daven for her sake that her child will outgrow the difficult behavior.

amother

Aubergine

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 8:00 pm

I have one neighbor like that.
She never sends her kid over anywhere because she can be so difficult. (I think that's the reason, I never asked her though)
She'll push my kid down and run her over with her bike. Stuff like that.
Laugh from kids and call them stupid...

Today I had her over because there was some construction going on in her apt, and she was TERRIFIED of the noise. And she was an angel when she was here!
At first my toddler ran away yelling and begging that this kid will hurt her. But she played so nicely together with toys.
I gave her some attention and made her feel safe, and that she can go home anytime.

Is there a specific toy she can play with that you have enough for everyone? Maybe goving her some tlc and a snack might calm her down and put her in a better mood?

Pickle1

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 10:31 pm

my symapthies! I am in a similar situation. one thing I can tell you from dealing with this for almost a yr is that my kids pickup on how I deal with it and copy me. they complain to me at home and we discuss ways we can deal with it and we always talk respectfully and nicely to them. we try our best to tell them boundaries and it works like 1/4 of the time. the rest of the time....we just try our best. as long as I keep calm abt it and don't let it frustrate me, then my kids deal with it maturely as well, and when these kids start up with them they quickly come over to me and tell me and we go into our house and close the door. or send them home nicely, I'll say in a cheerful upbeat voice ' ok, time to go home now - and lead them out the door'

Learning

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 11:51 am

Learning wrote:

I had autocorrect by mistake. I mean to say maybe she is so nice. Not maybe she is son ice.
What I mean basically is that it's good and nice to help this family but your kids come first. You can limit the interaction with this girl if your kids are getting hurt.

mommy3b2c

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 12:40 pm

Learning wrote:

What a way to twist someone's kind action. So the kid is difficult. Big deal. It doesn't sound like she's torturing ops kids. Being bossy is annoying, but it's not like she's hitting them with a baseball bat.