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-> Parenting our children
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amother
Lime
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 Mon, Jun 26 2017, 11:24 am
DD aged 5 is a lovely, highly intelligent child who also has a hard time dealing with frustration, transitions and disappointments. She has several meltdowns a day and gets extremely upset when things aren't how she wanted or expected.
My husband and I try to parent her calmly and lovingly, setting boundaries and helping her problem-solve. But of course it's challenging and we're not perfect.
If you had a child with a similar nature, how did they turn out when they grew older? Did they get their anger issues under control? Do they lead happy lives? Which parenting techniques worked best for you or did you find no technique particularly made a difference?
I'm also interested to hear your experience if you were such a child yourself or grew up with one in your family.
Thank you!
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amother
Honeydew
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Mon, Jun 26 2017, 11:26 am
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Following. My explosive DD is 6. Also highly intelligent.
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saw50st8
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Mon, Jun 26 2017, 11:33 am
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My 9 year old is a lot less explosive than he used to be. It's a combination of implementing "The Explosive Child" as well as age, vocabulary, maturity, skill building and delayed gratification. He's not an adult yet, but we've made a lot of progress.
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amother
Tan
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Mon, Jun 26 2017, 12:02 pm
If you can get her a shadow or something like it, she'd have a support person with her as a crutch sort of. We did that with our explosive child and it was very helpful.
We arranged for our ec to have her own room.
Dh and I began to meditate and we worked to keep the home peaceful. We think these kids are sensitive children and may be hypersensitive to noise and other stimulation.
Our ec is an adult now. She's learned to manage her triggers and is great at planning ahead to avoid triggers. She's learned to meditate and when she feels a hint if reactivity she goes to her room to breathe/meditate.
Life has been quite a challenge with her, but b"H it's easier now. She's dating a fellow meditator. How's that?
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amother
Mistyrose
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Mon, Jun 26 2017, 12:45 pm
I was an explosive child. I gave my parents a very hard time and even as an older teenager I was still having intense outbursts when I was very overwhelmed or stressed out. I was never diagnosed with anything and therapy never really panned out. As a married adult with several children, I was still melting down and completely out of control at times when it was very intense. There were major triggers in my marriage and until we resolved those, the outbursts were horrifying to the point that my husband thought I needed be sedated. Now bH things are much better (without meds or long term therapy) but I still find milyself getting worked up and have to actively and consciously calm myself down.
Looking back, I feel that with the right therapy and possibly diagnosed ADD things may have not been so bad. My 8 yr old dd is very much like me as a child and is very explosive. We are working with her now in hope that we can help her more than my parents were able to help me.
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amother
Violet
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Mon, Jun 26 2017, 1:59 pm
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I can't say from personal experience, but I do know a family or two fairly well that had an "explosive child" and their children actually "mentched out" significantly into wonderful bochurim.
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amother
Tan
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Mon, Jun 26 2017, 2:04 pm
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Lots of opportunity for physical activity can help a lot.
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Chayalle
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Mon, Jun 26 2017, 2:10 pm
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Following. My 9 year old is less explosive, doesn't tantrum anymore, but still very independent and strong-willed, and definitely marches to her own drumbeat. We try hard to give her a combination of love and boundaries where possible, because we believe that just letting her have total free reign is not in her best interest...but we have to choose our battles carefully, so to speak. I pray that in the future she will be able to tune into her tremendous strengths and do great things with them. In the meantime, I keep my eyes and ears open to any methodologies and strategies that can help. Imamother is definitely a great source for that.
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amother
Powderblue
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Mon, Jun 26 2017, 2:12 pm
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I have ADHD child with explosions. Medication is the key. I don't know if therapy is helping at all. He will have to learn from experience. Is 8 yrs old. Very impulsive. Hyperactive. But very bright. Sensitive. I have to tread very carefully. I'm worried about him and how he will be when he needs to get married. I don't know how he will turn out. Even with medication he gets argumentative. But much better.just to daven every time and hope and believe in your child.
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amother
Lime
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Mon, Jun 26 2017, 5:42 pm
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Thanks so much for all the replies! It's nice to know that I'm not alone.
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amother
Emerald
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Mon, Jun 26 2017, 7:52 pm
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my son was insanely explosive from birth until age 6. we took him to a child psychologist from age 3-6, did OT (regulation, body awareness, sensory issues), DIR (for attachment and self-regulation), and also implemented the explosive child method. In short, we put our kishkas into this kid. At age 6 he is literally the sweetest kid. He has so many tools under his belt, has amazing self-regulation and conflict resolution. At this point, he is actually my easiest kid and that is something I wouldn't have dreamed of ever saying even a year ago. He is still strong minded, very smart, and very opinionated, but he has learned to explain himself calmly and compromise or give in. When he feels he is getting would up, he often will start his self regulation tools on his own. Most importantly, he feels very attached to his parents and really believes we love him no matter what and are on his side. We treat him with a lot of respect, almost like I would treat a teenager. Explosive children are really super-capable leaders that haven't yet learned how to channel their kochos.
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amother
Powderblue
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Mon, Jun 26 2017, 8:06 pm
Emerald it sounds like a dream come true.
How would explain or describe self regulation? What methods or ideas do you find that work for that?
Ds has ADHD and emotional regulation is a biggy. I have taken him for sensory and nothing helped. He's doing cbt and I'm hoping that will help with awareness. But medication so far is the best. I'm hoping I can ask the therapist to teach self regulation.
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amother
Powderblue
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Mon, Jun 26 2017, 8:07 pm
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yael212
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Tue, Jun 27 2017, 7:30 am
My husband was an explosive child. From ages about 6-9 he would have explosive outbursts, to the point where he saw a child psychologist, who instructed my MIL (who is a tiny lady, 5 feet) to sit on him during these outbursts because it's the only way he could be physically restrained. Once or twice they also had to lock him in their half bath to keep him from hurting himself/others. In Kita Aleph he kicked his teacher. Eventually he grew out of it. A lot of his frustrations came from being EXTREMELY BRIGHT and bored in school. And once his emotions were able to be as matured as his intellect it stopped. The therapist also had little things they did to make him feel like he had some autonomy. One thing that made him go NUTS were his siblings touching his things. So they made a "kosher list" of 5 things his siblings were not allowed to touch, and everything else they could.
After all this he grew into a delightful child and adult. Did well in school, went to a prestigious university for undergraduate and graduate school, and now works in hi tech. One of the most brilliant people I have ever met. He is kind, funny, and I have never seem him exhibit any anger issues whatsoever. Even he will admit and say "I don't know how my parents kept their cool, I was a horrible kid!"
So while sometimes this behavior is a red flag, it doesn't mean they are doomed to be a problem kid forever! I would suggest therapy or reading books and giving exercises to help with coping mechanisms so they find other ways to express their emotions.
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Super Mom
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Tue, Jun 27 2017, 11:11 am
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My second dd was like this. We gave her a 'calm down chair'. We explained it was hers and it wasn't a punishment. She didn't need it for long. We signed her up for art and sport. Now she is top of her class. Diligent, very well behaved, very astute, social. People who meet her have no idea how much we put into her behavior and well being. And that's okay.
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amother
Indigo
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Tue, Jun 27 2017, 11:20 am
my 17 year old is doing great
but it was a lot of work
both medication (for his adhd) and my husband and I went to an adhd coach for parenting guidance - it made a huge difference
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joyful mom
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Tue, Jun 27 2017, 12:45 pm
| saw50st8 wrote: | | My 9 year old is a lot less explosive than he used to be. It's a combination of implementing "The Explosive Child" as well as age, vocabulary, maturity, skill building and delayed gratification. He's not an adult yet, but we've made a lot of progress. |
I assume you are referring to the book "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene?
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saw50st8
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Tue, Jun 27 2017, 12:48 pm
| joyful mom wrote: | | I assume you are referring to the book "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene? |
Yes, I left out method from that sentence.
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joyful mom
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Tue, Jun 27 2017, 12:57 pm
| saw50st8 wrote: | | Yes, I left out method from that sentence. |
Okay, thanks for mentioning this book. I checked it out on Amazon now & seems like a useful book to read...
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amother
Aubergine
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Tue, Jun 27 2017, 1:03 pm
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I was an explosive child and teenager. I had cbt therapy for about a year. It helped to some extent...but I still suffer from occasional meltdowns. If I've had a really rough day etc. I eventually grew up. Things that bothered me as a kid/teenager dont bother me to the extent that I have a serious meltdown...BH with an amazing husband who keeps me calmer than I used to be I dont explode often anymore..
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