Chesed begins at home?

suomynona

Thu, Oct 11 2007, 2:59 pm

Well, my sister showed up at 5:30 after running late with the other family. That's already an hour before I give my son supper and put him to sleep. I did manage to make most of shabbos, but not finished completely.

Thanks for your responses.
I'll try to address some of them.

Tamiri wrote:

I think you are in a very tough situation and I think it would be wise to find a girl in your neighborhood who is willing/able to do a true chessed, without it being part of school "credit".

Atali wrote:

Are there any other mothers in similar situations? If so, maybe you can find another mother whose sister will help you, and your sister can help her.

To me that is just ridiculous and ironic. Why should I have someone else help me, when I can have my sister who I am the most comfortable asking favors from? And why should my son spend time with a stranger instead of getting to know his own aunt, when he doesn't know any of his other relatives? I might as well send him out to an afternoon babysitter - and there's a reason I don't want to do that after he spends the morning at gan.

shoshb wrote:

Suomynona, if your sister wern't in Israel, or if she was in a seminary far from you, you would have found a way to manage, so you may just have to pretend she's not there!!

Maybe, but when I started my new work schedule recently, the first Thursday it struck me that I don't know how I'm going to have time to make shabbos. Then I remembered that my sister is coming and relied on that.

Arita wrote:

Yes you would have managed otherwise but to say that you in your last month of preg doesn't need help is not right.

Shalhevet wrote:

Personally I think someone in their ninth month with a toddler and a full time job supporting Torah is a good candidate.

forget pregnancy. Think todder + newborn!

Shalhevet wrote:

Believe me, it's much easier now with 6 kids, bli ayin hara, when I have older dds who I can ask to watch the little ones while I rest or get something done, than when I was pregnant and/or after birth with my second or third.

Sounds like the family my sister is helping is similar. They have a bit more than 6 and one is a newborn, but there's a 10 yr. old daughter, and my sister goes there with another sem girl. She said they don't seem dysfunctional in any way and from the way the kids were talking, it sounded like they have girls coming more than once a week. But anyway, that's all besides the point. The point is she's my sister and I want/need her help!

Ruchel wrote:

chocolate moose wrote:

At the risk of sounding unpopular, I think it should be solely need-based. I don’t see a difference in being "related" or not.

Except that halacha disagrees

amother wrote:

And I have a problem with expecting a sister BECAUSE she is a sister, to come and do your work for you. I know it's tough but that's life, just because little sis is here doesn't mean it's okay to unload like that. I feel sorry for the younger sister who has to deal with this.

My sister is more than happy to come help me and spend time wth family when she's so many miles away from home. How about that SHE unloads on me every shabbos and yom tov? I don't tell her to go to strangers. It's a 2 way street. In fact, this sis would not have come to Israel at all if she didn't have a family member here.

amother wrote:

and the seminary probably has many kvetchy pregnant and otherwise overworked family members

so, every girl should be helping her "overworked, kvetchy" family members instead of strangers.

stickyfingers wrote:

If things at home are too hard for you to manage without help, consider sitting down with your husband and looking for other solutions. Perhaps you could find room in the budget to hire some help, or perhaps he would agree to store-bought challah, a simpler menu, and no guests (other than your siste). Try to work with the resources you already have and try to find solutions that don't necessarily involve your sister.

I already get away with the bare-bones minimum. But the point is that my sister is here and helping strangers when I need her help.

For those of you who suggested calling the sem, that's what I was planning on doing originally but my sister said she would speak to them herself. I don't know if it pays to pursue it. They seemed to recognize that I really could use her help, but they couldn't go against policy. I don't feel like begging on my hands and knees, and I don't know if I should mix into my sis's business. She's worried that they'll think she put me up to it so she can get away "easy". I guess we'll see how desperate I am when I have a newborn.

Ok, better get back to work here.

Last edited by suomynona on Thu, Oct 11 2007, 3:37 pm; edited 1 time in total

smiley:)

Thu, Oct 11 2007, 3:59 pm

Let's just say they would make her go elsewhere to do chesed. She is an 18 yr old girl 6000 miles away from her family with one sister in the country. I assume like most girls who have a semi close relationship with their sister she would have her heart set on coming to you. Now they make her go elsewhere in the name of "chesed". What exactly does that accomplish? Let's see.
Makes you needy. At best it helps another family. At worst she is hating her time at the other family and having grudges because she was put up to being there and doesnt want to. and she or the family might not be comfortable with each other. She'd get angry at the seminary or chesed coordinater because their decision makes no sense to her, they made a stupid rule with no good reason. Makes her feel badly towards you, her feel angry at her sem, you feeling bad for yourself for what you are missing, you feel badly towards her because she is stuck.
Now am I missing something? :-) I really dont understand who makes the rules of what is considered chesed or not.
Before I had any kids I used to joke with my husband that I needed a "chesed girl". When I went to sem the sem sent ppl out to chesed that were the most (in my opinion) ridiculous things. So when I started going to a chesed that I just couldnt tolerate I gave myself permission to stop and to help someone I knew and needed it.
A chesed is something a person chooses to do and should feel good about it. It is not something someone assigns you to do and enforces it lest you break the chesed rules!