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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
Spinoff: Mean or cruel things your teacher said or did...



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happy to be me




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 12:18 pm
As a parent, what is the best way you've dealt with the child's pain that he/she is carrying around with them?
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Tzutzie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 12:22 pm
I strongly believe that the children feed off the mother in many such scenarios.
It's how you handle yourself that makes all the difference.
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amother
White


 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 12:30 pm
Firstly- as a mother you must make sure that all mistreatment ends YESTERDAY. If a teacher has treated your child horrible you make A BIG STINK. You talk with the teacher and principal. You secure apologies for your child from the teacher. If they are uncooperative, you threaten to share the story using names on social media and WhatsApp with other parents in the class/school. You can bring the cops down if necessary. You pop in unexpectedly to the classroom. You do everything you can to protect your child so they dont write these sick stories on imamother one day. It's hard to be assertive but I've learned how to be.
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 1:02 pm
I disagree
I don't think you can change the world for your child. One day they will go out in the big scary world and someone will say something mean to them and they will fall apart because mommy always fought their battles.
I think the best thing you can do for your kid is ingrain in them that they are valuable and precious no matter what, to tell them that some adults can be vicious and ignorant and just because someone in authority says something to them doesn't mean it's true. Teach them to be assertive. Teach them to stand up for themselves when something feels wrong. And assure them you will always believe in them.
Now I do believe there are exceptions to this. When someone is abusing their power like continually singling out your child or a rebbe physically hitting with cruelty you definitely need to advocate and make it stop.
But if it's a one time incident I would use it as a learning opportunity.
You can't childproof the world but you can worldproof your child.
Just my two cents.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 2:26 pm
When my daughter was in First Grade, she and two of her friends were made to stand in front of the playground during recess on a hot day, because they had not come in on time the day before right when the bell rang. This was during the first week of school, when they were not yet used to the routine and the sound of the bell and what it implied. DD came home very upset.

I called the teacher to inquire about what happened, and she told me that she believes in taking decisive action, because that's how kids learn, the other girls see this and know to come as soon as the bell rings, she does this every year, yada yada yada ......IOW she let me know she was a hardliner.

So as diplomatically as I could, I told her I respect her experience as a teacher, but that as a mother, I must tell her that my child is very sensitive, and she felt really bad because of the experience, and that I must ask her to please call me so we could talk if any other issue comes up, but to please refrain from giving my child strong discipline and to be more gentle with her, as she does not handle it well.

It was not a great year with that teacher, but she got a clear message from me that I didn't go for the tough method, and she never punished my DD like that again or made an example out of her.

I firmly believe that children should feel safe with their parents, that we have their best interest in mind and they can tell use anything, and that we will be on their side if they are treated unfairly or strongly. I also believe in dialogue with teachers, who are supervising and affecting our dearest treasures for such a great part of the day.
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happy to be me




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 3:52 pm
amother wrote:
Firstly- as a mother you must make sure that all mistreatment ends YESTERDAY. If a teacher has treated your child horrible you make A BIG STINK. You talk with the teacher and principal. You secure apologies for your child from the teacher. If they are uncooperative, you threaten to share the story using names on social media and WhatsApp with other parents in the class/school. You can bring the cops down if necessary. You pop in unexpectedly to the classroom. You do everything you can to protect your child so they dont write these sick stories on imamother one day. It's hard to be assertive but I've learned how to be.


This does not help for a child carrying old pain.
Although some instances might necessitate this, this method does not seem realistic or reasonable.
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 3:57 pm
happy to be me wrote:
This does not help for a child carrying old pain.
Although some instances might necessitate this, this method does not seem realistic or reasonable.

If you think you could have/should have done more, apologize to your child for not doing so.
Otherwise just be there for her, show that you care, and that she is not the person they told her she was.
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Maya




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 4:12 pm
happy to be me wrote:
As a parent, what is the best way you've dealt with the child's pain that he/she is carrying around with them?

Switched to a school where such episodes are extremely unlikely to happen.
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southernbubby




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 4:16 pm
Some of the pain could be decades old and the best thing to do is to apologize and say that it should have been handled better. All of us parents of adults have had to do that at some point.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 4:32 pm
My DS only told us about an instance with a rebbe of his at age 15. The episode took place when he was 11. He had suddenly slacked off that year and developed a need for a tutor. Until that point he was an A+ student. It was surprising, but we contributed it to the fact that Gemara is more challenging.
Anyway, it turns out that prior to his needing a tutor, my DS was learning Gemara one day and he spaced out. The rebbe took a water gun , aimed at the back of my sons head and sprayed water into the back of his head and down the neck of his shirt with cold water. He said that he was so shocked AND ashamed , in front of the class as they laughed in amusement. He then claims that he was freezing cold because the air conditioner was blowing and he was all wet. He says he got an ear infection two nights later, but I don't remember. Based on what he tells us, this incident turned him off from learning. He almost gave himself an induced learning disability from that point goon forward. But he never told us that this happened! We knew he wasn't happy but we didn't know why and he wouldn't say!
When he finally told us, we were both shocked because we always raved how wonderful this rebbe was. I advised my son to either approach the rebbe or write a letter telling him how he made him feel . I figured it would give him some sort of closure. He refused to do it because he said it makes him too angry. He is 16 and B"H flourishing. I apologized that we had no idea and I told him that I am so sorry we didn't know anything then to make him feel better. I hope he understands the sincerity and that he will indeed find closure one day.
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shanie5




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 9:51 pm
happy to be me wrote:
As a parent, what is the best way you've dealt with the child's pain that he/she is carrying around with them?


Validate them that their pain is real, and get them therapy. You yourself are not likely to lessen their pain. A therapist will help them process it.
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happy to be me




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 11:02 pm
Bizzydizzymommy wrote:
My DS only told us about an instance with a rebbe of his at age 15. The episode took place when he was 11. He had suddenly slacked off that year and developed a need for a tutor. Until that point he was an A+ student. It was surprising, but we contributed it to the fact that Gemara is more challenging.
Anyway, it turns out that prior to his needing a tutor, my DS was learning Gemara one day and he spaced out. The rebbe took a water gun , aimed at the back of my sons head and sprayed water into the back of his head and down the neck of his shirt with cold water. He said that he was so shocked AND ashamed , in front of the class as they laughed in amusement. He then claims that he was freezing cold because the air conditioner was blowing and he was all wet. He says he got an ear infection two nights later, but I don't remember. Based on what he tells us, this incident turned him off from learning. He almost gave himself an induced learning disability from that point goon forward. But he never told us that this happened! We knew he wasn't happy but we didn't know why and he wouldn't say!
When he finally told us, we were both shocked because we always raved how wonderful this rebbe was. I advised my son to either approach the rebbe or write a letter telling him how he made him feel . I figured it would give him some sort of closure. He refused to do it because he said it makes him too angry. He is 16 and B"H flourishing. I apologized that we had no idea and I told him that I am so sorry we didn't know anything then to make him feel better. I hope he understands the sincerity and that he will indeed find closure one day.


This sounds awful but unfortunately so believable. There are so many children walking around pained from incidents similar to this and the parents don't even know until weeks/months/years later.
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happy to be me




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 11:19 pm
Maya wrote:
Switched to a school where such episodes are extremely unlikely to happen.


kudos to you. We did that too but the pain is still there.
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LovesHashem




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 14 2017, 4:13 am
Make a big stink and do what the first poster wrote if its something abusive. If your child is being hurt consistently or if it was a one time thing but really bad (look on the original thread.... Like the autistic kid that went mute or teachers who put down girls saying they aren't frum enough and everyone else is.... Anything public shaming etc)

Beyond that your kid may end up with a bad teacher one year or a girl that's mean. That's life. But if the teacher is singling out only your kid and publicly embarrassing her that is not ok. If teacher is strict and can say some mean things and be blunt but it's happening to all the students.... That's life.
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