Sick neighbors daughter in my house every day

amother

Aqua

Thu, Sep 14 2017, 2:19 pm

Op I was in a similar situation with a little girl whose mother was sick. The difference was that she couldn't walk over, so her father would have to drive her. I think you should make a firm rule that she can't come over unless the babysitter calls first. Then you can make up with the babysitter to have her once a week, every day, or whatever you're up to.

When I was nine months pregnant with a houseful of small kids I would sometimes hire a mothers helper so I could nap for an hour. Having this girl over meant I had to be around. She didn't like the supper my kids ate so I had to prep special food for her. All those saying it's cruel - have you been in a situation where you had an extra young child over on a regular basis?

Chayalle

Thu, Sep 14 2017, 2:38 pm

I really like Fox's post.

Your post, OP, reminds me of what the mishna tells us in Pirkei Avos: "Lo Alecha Hamlacha Ligmor...V'lo Ata Ben Chorin L'Hibatel Mimenah". IOW, you don't have to do this all yourself...but you also can't just drop it entirely. I think it would be a great idea to spread the love - enlist the help of other neighbors, get your local organizations like Bikur Cholim and/or Chai Lifeline involved, as appropriate....but consider that right now, the emotional well-being of this little 6 year old is dependent on others. It takes a village to raise a child...particularly this little one. You have the opportunity to literally build her world. You don't have to do it alone, entirely, nor at the expense of your family. But see what you CAN do.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago - I fostered a little boy for 3 1/2 years, because his own mother couldn't care for him. I didn't volunteer for the job - it sort of fell into my lap. I want to tell you this though - the blessings I saw as a result are more than I ever imagined. A very well-known Gadol told me that when we take care of Hashem's children, we can ask him for anything - so go ahead and ask Hashem to bless you in every way that you need. I asked Hashem to give me another child, and my prayer was answered. (and I went thru pg and childbirth with this child in my home, B"H....)

And may Hashem give a Refuah Shelaima to this little girl's parent and all Cholim, and restore her to normalcy soon.

LittleDucky

Thu, Sep 14 2017, 3:50 pm

This is tough to balance- your needs, your family's needs, and this poor girl.

Would there be anything that would help you continue to allow her over? Something to change like she needs to do chores, eat what everyone else is eating when they eat etc?

Maybe hiring a sitter, mothers helper etc? Could you speak to the father and ask that the babysitter come with the girl and help you take care of everyone? (What are they paying her to do if the girl is staying at your house for so many hours??)

Where do you live? Maybe we can help direct you to something local or a local organization for help?
Can you speak to a high school for a chessed girl? If you explained it to the school, they might be able to find someone able and willing to help.

amother

Bronze

Thu, Sep 14 2017, 4:04 pm

OP here
Even after reading all the answers I'm still so conflicted. I wish I had the emotional stamina to take her in happily but I don't Sad

. For the poster who asked me what's so difficult about having this child in my house I honestly don't know. I just get really irritated.
The father is in the picture but spends his days in the hospital with his wife and is extremely overwhelmed right now. They have a lot of kids ka"h. The babysitter is a high school girl who is also watching 3 kids under this girls age including twin babies so it's not like she's sitting at home relaxing on the couch while this girl is at my house.
Yesterday the girl told me the babysitter wanted 2 'now if she can eat supper by me along with her sister and I said I'm sorry but no.
She also knows she's not going to be home for shabbos because her parents will be in the hospital and asked if she can stay by me and again I said no:(
I feel so horrible but I really do believe that my kids, my husband, and my sanity come first and it's not fair to be snapping at my family because I have her over again.

LittleDucky

Thu, Sep 14 2017, 6:28 pm

Don't feel bad. You are establishing boundaries which is healthy. It might feel rotten but you need to know what will work for you. Tell her how long she may stay (an hour or until dinner time and then go home, for instance).
You need your sanity and she needs comfort and security but a balance has to be made.
The parents are overwhelmed and tried to find a solution by hiring this teenager but it apparently isn't working out. Can you talk to the father? He may not even know his daughter isn't home with the babysitter!

It is only normal and natural to want some time alone with your kids. It's normal to feel irritated as you likely feel taken advantage of.

Think about what you can do, what is your limits, what you won't do. And if you had XY or Z you could do ABC more (and if you want to do it, can do it financially etc).

sarahmalka

Thu, Sep 14 2017, 7:30 pm

I agree with the poster who wrote about the importance of boundaries not only for you but for the little girl. Clear expectations and boundaries create security for children which is extremely important under normal circumstances and all the more so when her home life is in chaos. Maybe write down for yourself what you think you can handle with the child, like she can come every day for 1.5 or 2 hours, can come for Shabbos lunch once a week, can come for 1 weeknight dinner a week, something like that, and present it clearly to the girl. (And the babysitter.) But do it lovingly and affectionately. Tell her it helps YOU to have a schedule so she doesn't feel it as a rejection. Also she must abide by the rules of the house the same as your own children. Even if you don't feel all that kindly or affectionate towards her, just fake it and be sure to smile at her, treat her well and don't act annoyed- she needs that support. We can be firm but nice at the same time. Maybe in this way you can meet both of your needs.

amother

Babypink

Thu, Sep 14 2017, 7:40 pm

Chayalle wrote:

This and this again! This poor poor girl! Op please have some mercy! Im crying for her. Teary Eyed

Fox

Thu, Sep 14 2017, 8:06 pm

It seems very wrong to me to characterize this situation in terms of "boundaries" or "being taken adantage of."

This is not an adult who has become unhealthfully enmeshed in your personal life or who is freeloading, either by accident or design.

IMHO, the proper attitude to take is, "What is the most I want to do to help this child and her family?" and then push yourself to do 10 or 15 percent more than that.

Hashem doesn't ask us to be superhuman tzeddakeses who never, ever put our own comfort first, but He does ask that we push ourselves a little to expand our comfort zones when it comes to chesed and mitzvos.

33055

Thu, Sep 14 2017, 8:16 pm

Fox wrote:

She's post partum and at her wits end!

We all feel for the little girl. Some of us empathize with OP. Maybe we can do more than just push OP to do more.

Perhaps we can set up a fund to help OP deal with this situation. The money could be used to hire what help OP needs to make a place for the little girl. I would be willing to donate.

Fox

Thu, Sep 14 2017, 8:34 pm

Squishy wrote:

She's post partum and at her wits end!

I'm not suggesting the OP be a martyr -- not at all.

But rather than adopting an attitude of "I'm post partum and at my wits' end," I would encourage the OP to say, "Okay, I can legitimately cope with having this child underfoot for two hours after school, but not for dinner."

As she begins to feel better, however, she might say, "Okay, I can deal with two hours after school and dinner twice a week." On days where she's especially sleep deprived, she might say, "Okay, I can be pleasant for about 30 minutes today, so I'll alert the babysitter to come pick her up at 4:30."

It's just a guess on my part -- a possibly unfair one, at that -- but I'm somehow getting the feeling that the babysitter is doing the least amount possible. She might have been pressured to accept a job she didn't really want in order to help the family, or she might just be lazy. Whatever the backstory, it's obvious that the arrangement isn't working out.

Since the situation seems likely to last for a period of time, it's probably worthwhile to involve the family's rav in marshaling the necessary community resources to make sure no one burns out from this chesed.

naomi2

Thu, Sep 14 2017, 9:13 pm

Fox- the babysitter is not lazy, she is a high school girl taking care of three of the girl's younger siblings including a set of twins!
Basically the girl is just annoying to op. I'm sorry but take some time to really put yourself in her shoes, or her parent who are stuck in the hospital and push yourself to smile and show compassion to the poor girl. And please, please contact all the parents in her class and set up invitations for her to spend time there as well. My heart is bleeding for this scared, neglected child who is unwelcome by her friend''s house. You can bet she feels it.

WhatFor

Thu, Sep 14 2017, 9:42 pm

OP- you have made it clear that you do not have the emotional capacity to provide this child with what she needs right now. Please don't feel bad about acknowledging your own limitations. No one will benefit from you losing your mind.

At the same time, this little girl needs a proper parent figure in her life right now. The high school babysitter is evidently unable to fulfill this role either.

Poor little girl. A six year old needs a structured home environment and her parents are unable to care for her right now. A high school babysitter cannot be expected to provide for her along with three other kids under the age of six.

Because this fell into your lap, is it possible to brainstorm with community members and family to work out a long term solution? If you can facilitate working out another solution for her that could also be a huge chessed. If dd is in the same class, maybe call up the teacher (or principal) and let them know what's going on. Or is there a community rav? Or bikkur cholim?

(Ideally she would be going to one person's house routinely because it could be very unsettling and difficult to be shipped off to different houses.)

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Sep 14 2017, 10:34 pm

This thread is making me cry. I'm crying for this little 6 year old.
Op - it's tough. Very tough. You're 5 weeks postpartum and have a family. I totally get you.
Please take a moment to count your blessing and think about this 6 year old. You too have a little kid that age. Please thank Hashem that your little kid comes home every day to a healthy mom. A healthy home. A healthy environment. Think about your 6 year old neighbor who is going through such a tough time with an ill mom. She obviously doesn't like the babysitter, or maybe she does but she wants to see herself out of the house- away from the problems. She wants to have a good time by spending time with a kid her age. She doesn't want to spend time with the babysitter. Something this simple can change her life. Take it as a privilege that she's comfortable in your house. And that you can have the opportunity to make her situation a lot easier. She doesn't always listen you say- maybe sit down and explain it to her nicely. With a loving tone. She's lacking some love and attention now.
I will not tell you to not send her home. But before you do send her home. Think again. Put yourself into her situation for one moment by thinking about you and your little kid.

Signed- someone who suffered 2 years as a kid with an ill mom before she passed away.

studying_torah

Thu, Sep 14 2017, 10:34 pm

I don't think op needs to push herself , we don't know anything about her personal situation and where else in life she is pushing herself to the max.
I think what you have done thus far is amazing, but now things need to change. Not that you shouldn't have her over at all, but other people need to help out.
Op, you must be so overwhelmed with your family plus a new baby & prob can't even think to also make a bunch of calls to see who else can shoulder this burden. However, the short term pain of calling, will iyh lead to longer term benefits for all the kids in the family- since it sounds like the babysitter can use a heloing hand too.
I do not think you should involve the father just yet. First contact the local Rabbi or Rebitzen, principal, bikur cholim, (or other organizations that help kids of sick parents, such as Chai 4ever, zichron shlomo refuah fund, etc) other neighbors to see who can help all the kids.
Once a plan is in place, you can run it by the father to get his ok.
In zechus of you doing this, you should be blessed with koyach, health, nachas and endless bracha for your whole family!

amother

Seagreen

Thu, Sep 14 2017, 10:40 pm

I know it's hard but please try. Imagine if this little girl were your daughter. Think about how you would want her to be treated. I was in the same situation when my son was in preschool and I had three younger kids including a newborn. It was so so hard for me. This boy was at my house all the time for hours each time. I did complain about it but it never entered my mind to tell him he can't come. I just treated him as one of the kids. I mean, it was really hard for me, but this boy, he didn't have a mother to go home to, I knew I couldn't be that selfish.
Now years later, I shep nachas whenever I see him.

amother

Amber

Thu, Sep 14 2017, 11:23 pm

I've been following from the beginning as this is a topic close to my heart. My mother was very ill for a lot of years when I was a little kid. My dad was constantly at the hospital with my mother or at work, but thankfully we were taken care of by loving grandparents and aunts, and hired help. My family was very private about the whole thing and having us farmed out to neighbors on some schedule or with a community rotation set up at home was not an option. I'm not saying that this family wouldn't benefit from such an arrangement as many others are suggesting but I am really horrified that people are advising you to call the school, shul, chessed orgs, or other class moms without definitely checking with the father if that's ok. He may be too overwhelmed to even realize six year old has been out by you so often, and may just assume the help he hired is sufficient. Please, please, for the sake of their dignity don't go around town finding alternative arrangements without an okay from the father or family. It might be very welcome, or it might be exactly what they don't want, which is why you should check. My family would have been devastated if someone did that on our behalf against out will.

Now in all fairness, you are in a very tough position. You're only human, and you do not have to shoulder this burden if it's simply too much. Just please, if you do set boundaries soon, don't set any alternative care in place without consulting the father. They simply might not want so many others involved.

May you have divine guidance in how to handle this trying and delicate predicament. No judgement from me. I don't know, even with my childhood experience, if I could happily handle an extra child in my house especially when post partum. Just know from someone whos been there that any amount of love you are able to show this little lamb during this time is something she might remember and appreciate forever.

LittleDucky

Thu, Sep 14 2017, 11:39 pm

Cmon, don't be so hard on OP people! She knows how much the girl needs a motherly presence, attention etc. that's why she has been so welcoming until now! But she now realizes that it's taking a toll on her family and her own sanity.

Not everyone is cut out for the same type of chessed. There are those who can cook meals easily, be on hatzala, those who can do ZAKA or other chessed shel Emes, visiting hospitals, cheering up children with cancer, tutor or one of a million other opportunities. Can you easily do any and all that come your way? I wish I could but I can't- not physically/emotionally, without it taking a toll on my kids and DH...
We all have our limits and OP found hers, and it's good she did or she may resent the neighbor, the sick mom, the husband, the babysitter ... And trust me the girl feeling like a burden could hurt her worse than boundaries and/or creating a system to spread the tasks.
Is the situation public? Talk to the Dad...
Is someone making a meal train? Lift the burden of dinner off the babysitter.
As others have said, call the school if the illness is public.
Where do you live? Maybe someone knows a local organization...
What other constructive suggestions do we have for OP?
OP, what would help you?

amother

Salmon

Thu, Sep 14 2017, 11:51 pm

amother wrote:

OP here
Even after reading all the answers I'm still so conflicted. I wish I had the emotional stamina to take her in happily but I don't Sad

I am so disturbed, OP. I know I will be lambasted and what-not, but this has got to be one of the most upsetting posts I have ever read on Imamother. No-one said that chessed has to be easy. Hashem sent this your way for good reason. I know people who have given up alot more than what you need to do in order to ease the painful burden of a suffering young child. To deny a person supper? You are "snapping" at your family because of an innocent six year old? (Right, shes not yours, and true that she can be difficult, but really??) Shes a poor suffering nearly homeless child. A high schooler is the babysitter who needs to be responsible for twin babies, plus another young child, and thats overwhelming for ANYONE, even an adult! She obviously cannot give this poor child what she needs. I can go on and on, but count your blessings that YOU are not sick, that its not YOUR children that have no mother to feed them, give hem love, hugs, and support. I am not taking away from the fact that you have a five week old, its not easy. But if I were you, I would stand on my head for this kid.
If she is in brooklyn, Please let me know. I would take her in to my home for as long as need be. (I work full time, and have a newborn as well, I just cant see/read/hear this poor childs suffering). I am truly sorry for this, OP, I dont mean to undermine or underestimate this difficulty, but this is about having a heart, not trying to make your life an easy ride on the account of a childs suffering. True chessed is not always easy.