Sick neighbors daughter in my house every day

amother

Cerulean

Fri, Sep 15 2017, 3:35 am

amother wrote:

I am so disturbed, OP. I know I will be lambasted and what-not, but this has got to be one of the most upsetting posts I have ever read on Imamother. No-one said that chessed has to be easy. Hashem sent this your way for good reason. I know people who have given up alot more than what you need to do in order to ease the painful burden of a suffering young child. To deny a person supper? You are "snapping" at your family because of an innocent six year old? (Right, shes not yours, and true that she can be difficult, but really??) Shes a poor suffering nearly homeless child. A high schooler is the babysitter who needs to be responsible for twin babies, plus another young child, and thats overwhelming for ANYONE, even an adult! She obviously cannot give this poor child what she needs. I can go on and on, but count your blessings that YOU are not sick, that its not YOUR children that have no mother to feed them, give hem love, hugs, and support. I am not taking away from the fact that you have a five week old, its not easy. But if I were you, I would stand on my head for this kid.
If she is in brooklyn, Please let me know. I would take her in to my home for as long as need be. (I work full time, and have a newborn as well, I just cant see/read/hear this poor childs suffering). I am truly sorry for this, OP, I dont mean to undermine or underestimate this difficulty, but this is about having a heart, not trying to make your life an easy ride on the account of a childs suffering. True chessed is not always easy.

I just threw up a little bit. You don't get to decide what the op can or cannot handle. You don't get to tell the op to just do it, no matter how difficult. You don't get to decide that just because you can handle it, she should be able too also.

33055

Fri, Sep 15 2017, 4:32 am

amother wrote:

OP here
Even after reading all the answers I'm still so conflicted. I wish I had the emotional stamina to take her in happily but I don't Sad

. For the poster who asked me what's so difficult about having this child in my house I honestly don't know. I just get really irritated.
The father is in the picture but spends his days in the hospital with his wife and is extremely overwhelmed right now. They have a lot of kids ka"h. The babysitter is a high school girl who is also watching 3 kids under this girls age including twin babies so it's not like she's sitting at home relaxing on the couch while this girl is at my house.
Yesterday the girl told me the babysitter wanted 2 'now if she can eat supper by me along with her sister and I said I'm sorry but no.
She also knows she's not going to be home for shabbos because her parents will be in the hospital and asked if she can stay by me and again I said no:(
I feel so horrible but I really do believe that my kids, my husband, and my sanity come first and it's not fair to be snapping at my family because I have her over again.

It may well be the babysitter is sending her to you.

amother

Natural

Fri, Sep 15 2017, 4:47 am

OP, good for you for finally saying no. Please ignore everyone on this thread who is trying to guilt trip you into taking even more care of this girl than you already have. I feel for the child, but she is not your responsibility. You didn't sign on for this job. You are correct that your first obligation is to your own family, especially since you have a new baby. You've done your part, now let another neighbor or friend or relative do theirs. Please don't feel you need to "push yourself" at the expense of your own family and your sanity. I'm sure there are community resources that can also help, along with other friends and family. It's not as if it's you or nothing.

ra_mom

Fri, Sep 15 2017, 5:05 am

amother wrote:

Your are being really cruel to OP.
The child won't benefit if OP cannot deal with her. And OPs own family who she has an obligation to with suffer even more.

devash1

Fri, Sep 15 2017, 5:21 am

I watched someone's six year old daughter for three days while they went away. I also had a new baby at the time probably a few months old and by the end I was a wreck. She was not an easy kid she came from a complicated household. OP you are doing so much for her it is a huge chesed. I can't imagine doing everything that you have done and I would think you're totally Beyond correct for saying that you cannot do more and that you cannot continue doing as much as you have done. Certain times in my life I've been able to do more chesed then at other times and I know that when I have a new baby I can barely function as I'm a person that needs sleep.

DVOM

Fri, Sep 15 2017, 6:33 am

Squishy wrote:

You think it is cruel to not let a 6 year old neighbor do what they want in your house???? You think it is cruel to not allow a 6 year old neighbor to disturb a postpartum mother constantly in her home???

This girl's whole world is tilted right now. Stability and structure is security. It is not mean.

I took care of a little girl who was my daughter's age. It started when she was also around 6. She had bad home circumstances which made her a wild child who was out of control and demanding. Her own extended family was frustrated with her and couldn't cope. She was thrown out of several elementary schools.

I allowed her in my house and on my family vacations, but she had to obey every rule my children did.

She used to say that I was the only one in the world who loved her, and I was the strictest person in her life. You can open up your heart and home to hurting children, but you don't have to sacrifice your shalom to do it.

I am sorry the little girl is hurting, but enforcing boundaries is not mean and cruel.

What a painful post to read! I can empathize so much with OP... I would find it really hard to have someone else's child in my home indefinitely. I'd also say boundaries is the key.

Here is my experience: A few years ago my husband and I lived a few houses down from a family where the father was emotionally and physically abusive to the mom. At the time, I had a two year old and a newborn. They had three little kids. Where things got bad, the 6 4 and 2 year old would show up at my door and stay, sometimes for the rest of the day. This happened at all hours of the day and night. I'll never forget opening the door at 6 in the morning during a snow storm to find three shivering kids, no coats, no shoes, telling me that their mommy said they should run outside and not come back. The police and Dyfus were called several times...

I felt nothing but compassion for these children, but eventually, I needed to set boundaries. It was too much for me to be 'on call' at all hours. OP, I totally get the irritation you described. It used to drive me crazy sometimes to have these kids over, even though another part of me truly loved them. But after playing with them, feeding them dinner, giving baths, reading stories... I just wanted my own family back.

I started saying no. I had them for an hour or two and then sent them on. The difference here was that I had other neighbors who were able to pick up the slack when I couldn't have the kids. If I remember right (this is several years ago) I also made a rule that they could not come from Friday mid afternoon to shabbos morning.

The parents separated, dad was sent to jail, got out, they got back together, and eventually divorced. We've both moved out of that neighborhood. I still keep up with the mom and the kids...I did feel guilty at times that I didn't do more for them, but at the same time, I believe I did as much as I could (a real dialectic if there ever was one!). OP, find a middle road for yourself.

amother

Puce

Fri, Sep 15 2017, 8:38 am

amother wrote:

Unbelieveable. The OP has tried her best. You have know idea what her life situation is. Yet you decide do judge her and make her feel quilty??!! How about saying she did an amazing chesed so far. But there are times where we even have to say no to do a mitzvah. That woman's mitzvah first and foremost is to HER family. She was never asked in the first place. I understand the father is having a difficult time. But HE should realize his child is suffering. If the girl does not like the baby sitter, find some one else. There are other teens who have to do chesed. There is Chai life line, who makes thousands of dollars, just for these situations. Let THEM get involved. A true Chesed is doing something one should be happy to do, not something you should ever feel quilt into doing!!

amother

Salmon

Fri, Sep 15 2017, 9:30 am

ra_mom wrote:

Your are being really cruel to OP.
The child won't benefit if OP cannot deal with her. And OPs own family who she has an obligation to with suffer even more.

I wrote this late, and overtired.
OP, I'm sorry for coming across harsh and judgemental. I'm just overwhelmed with pity for these poor kids. And I know this is something that would be super hard for me as well, but I would most probably choose to suffer thru this, because I cant tolerate the pain of young suffering children. Of course, not on the expense of my family, but I wouldnt find a six year old as hard as, say, a toddler. But thats different for everyone.
If there is anyone you can reach out to in the community such as a High School to send girls over, or as another poster mentioned, Bikur Cholim, that would be a great chessed, and you would have done yours.

amother

Peach

Fri, Sep 15 2017, 9:42 am

amother wrote:

Do you want to overburden a woman post partum who is saying it's too much for her? Do you want her to have ppd as it was too much?

I had a baby a month ago. I've been feeling much weaker this time. I'm still walking at a much slower pace. My dr said it's not my first birth, and I'm getting older (over 30) so my body is taking longer to recuperate. You have to "listen" to your body. Some women can take 6 months to recover from childbirth.

If this is physically or emotionally too much for OP please do not guilt her into taking on more than she can. She needs to reach out to the father and if he's ok with it reach out to the organizations that help like Bikur Cholim, Chai Lifeline...

They probably need a "team" of 2 high school girls working together so that the 4 children are getting what they need.

Chayalle

Fri, Sep 15 2017, 10:23 am

amother wrote:

I've been following from the beginning as this is a topic close to my heart. My mother was very ill for a lot of years when I was a little kid. My dad was constantly at the hospital with my mother or at work, but thankfully we were taken care of by loving grandparents and aunts, and hired help. My family was very private about the whole thing and having us farmed out to neighbors on some schedule or with a community rotation set up at home was not an option. I'm not saying that this family wouldn't benefit from such an arrangement as many others are suggesting but I am really horrified that people are advising you to call the school, shul, chessed orgs, or other class moms without definitely checking with the father if that's ok. He may be too overwhelmed to even realize six year old has been out by you so often, and may just assume the help he hired is sufficient. Please, please, for the sake of their dignity don't go around town finding alternative arrangements without an okay from the father or family. It might be very welcome, or it might be exactly what they don't want, which is why you should check. My family would have been devastated if someone did that on our behalf against out will.

Now in all fairness, you are in a very tough position. You're only human, and you do not have to shoulder this burden if it's simply too much. Just please, if you do set boundaries soon, don't set any alternative care in place without consulting the father. They simply might not want so many others involved.

May you have divine guidance in how to handle this trying and delicate predicament. No judgement from me. I don't know, even with my childhood experience, if I could happily handle an extra child in my house especially when post partum. Just know from someone whos been there that any amount of love you are able to show this little lamb during this time is something she might remember and appreciate forever.

First of all Hug

. What you and your family went thru was really tough. However it seems that people in your family took charge of the situation and made responsible decisions for you. So your family decided that privacy was important, and that is your prerogative.

However it seems that over here the arrangements are more haphazard. A high school girl is being left in charge of 4 young children. A six year old is being asked to ask a neighbor if she and her sister can come for Shabbos, or stay for dinner....I'm sure I don't have to point out that such arrangements should be handled directly between adults, not involving a young child like that.

Perhaps the father should be consulted....but certainly this family needs a case manager of sorts...an adult (not a teen) that could be in charge of the various arrangements and be responsible for the whereabouts of the children. If the father prefers this to be a family member and he has someone available and willing to assume the position, great. If not, then organizations need to get involved. Leaving this to one teen and whatever neighbors get landed with the job is not the way to do this, and as we can see from this thread, it's in nobody's best interest - not the neighbors, and also, not the children.

clowny

Fri, Sep 15 2017, 10:23 am

amother wrote:

OP here
Even after reading all the answers I'm still so conflicted. I wish I had the emotional stamina to take her in happily but I don't Sad

This bold makes me cry and it makes me very sad. Op, I'm really trying to think positive but it must be I'm missing something. Grab the opportunity to help a little 6 year old find a place to eat supper and place to spend shabbos. I'm afraid to say this- but how can you say no? I may be wrong by telling you this but I just can't understand. Yes, so it IS the babysitter sending you over this kid all the time. So what? She needs help. She can't handle this on her own. Can someone please enlighten me here a bit? I've been having extra kids at my house a lot. I've been 5 weeks postpartum a lot too and I know it's tough. Op Is probably not fully back to her kochos. But I think I'm seriously missing something here. To say no to a 6 year old kid with a sick mom to eat supper at her house? To say no to a 6 year old kid who needs to be placed somewhere over shabbos because her parents will be spending shabbos in the hospital?? Op, I'm really not trying to take you on a guilt trip here , I apologize, but please think about this again.
I'm sure it's not easy. But since when is chessed supposed to be easy? You've been having her over till now and Hashem will repay you. I promise. But please don't give this up.

Chayalle

Fri, Sep 15 2017, 10:26 am

clowny wrote:

Clowny, just because you have been okay post partum doesn't mean OP is. Everyone's situation is different. Perhaps you have access to more help than OP does, perhaps your hormones are calmer than hers....you don't know what's going on by OP. If OP says it's too much for her, I'll take her word for it.

I think OP's resentment is coming from the fact that there's no adult in charge here, and the burden is falling on her too much.

clowny

Fri, Sep 15 2017, 10:54 am

Chayalle wrote:

You did not understand me. I have not been ok that is why I understand that it's tough. I think it's a lot tougher to be a sick mom in the hospital. I think it's a lot tougher to be a little 6 year old to have a sick mom. Op count your blessings that the reason you are not feeling too good is for a good reason that will be over shortly. Your neighbor is not feeling good for other reasons and god forbid, who knows if it will ever be over?

I agree with your last paragraph. That probably IS the reason. There's obviously no structure here, all the more reason to help as much as possible.

Op. I apologize again if any of my posts caused you any hurt or guilt.

simba

Fri, Sep 15 2017, 11:06 am

Can you post (or PM me)what area you are in? I would be glad to take a few kids for shabbos if they parents would agree. I live in Brooklyn and hope my kitchen is kosher Smile

Alternately, maybe I can help you and send you food for shabbos so you can have them over and not the stress of having to cook for shabbos (if you are as organized as me and still ahve to cook at this hour!).

If you are not local maybe a few mothers on here can pitch in to buy you a ready made shabbos where you are so that you can have a little respite from the stresses of caring for others children.

Another idea, maybe the babysitter can come to your house with their kids so that she can supervise them there. This way you have another set of hands and not all the responsibility is on you.

reality mom

Fri, Sep 15 2017, 11:16 am

simba wrote:

Can you post (or PM me)what area you are in? I would be glad to take a few kids for shabbos if they parents would agree. I live in Brooklyn and hope my kitchen is kosher Smile

Thats so special!
I truly hope that OP will PM us both so that we can help if she is not able to.

dancingqueen

Fri, Sep 15 2017, 11:28 am

I know all about how tough it is to be postpartum as I'm in the throes of it myself. But some of these harsh responses about boundaries and refusing to answer the door on a six year old with a sick mommy are not the Jewish values I was taught. Op, please try to have her when you can since she's so happy in your home. But also call your shul rebetzin and the other parents in your kids class. Maybe a few other parents could step up with hosting and another babysitter could come to the home as it's too much for the current HS babysitter. Also maybe some people could go visit and sit with the mom so the dad can be home with his kids more, they need him too.

Just throwing out some ideas.

simba

Fri, Sep 15 2017, 11:35 am

Another thought, someone might have posted this as I didn't read all the responses.

Call the father:

" Hi Mr. ____. I hope you are doing well, I know you are going through a difficult time and I hope it ends well soon. I was noticing that your daughter ____ is not so happy with the current babysitter that you have setup and thus spends a lot by me. I am happy to help when I can but as you know I recently gave birth so I still need to re-gain my strength.
Can we work out certain times that are crucial for her that will still work for me. Additionally, would you like me to ask some other mother sin the class if they can have her a few nights a week?"

Be honest, open, and caring. He will be touched by your concern and hopefully be able to help you.