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S/o Do you and your husband go through each others phones?
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agreer




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 8:42 pm
little neshamala wrote:
Looks like I'm the odd one out. All the time, but not to "check up" on each other. It's not a trust thing. More like a entertainment/fill each other in on our day type of thing. But we do ask each other if there's anything we shouldn't open, in case there's private texts or whatever. Very normal to find either of us randomly scrolling each other's phone over a cup of tea , like reading the newspaper. But this also has to do with the type of relationship you have-we are the type that tell each other everything and are constantly filling each other in about every single thing that's going on. I know many couples aren't like that.


Yep, me too.

My DH has a big family, and he's way more popular than me, so he gets lots of calls/texts and I find it entertaining.

My DH doesn't have whatsapp, but I do, so he checks my in on his family's groups on my phone, then looks at my family's groups. He checks out the pics I take of the children during the day.
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Boca00




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 8:48 pm
clowny wrote:
Very Happy
So you’re the one who’s been texting me till now???


Well, my answer depends on whether you will tell your husband or not. LOL
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amother
Violet


 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 8:50 pm
little neshamala wrote:
Looks like I'm the odd one out. All the time, but not to "check up" on each other. It's not a trust thing. More like a entertainment/fill each other in on our day type of thing. But we do ask each other if there's anything we shouldn't open, in case there's private texts or whatever. Very normal to find either of us randomly scrolling each other's phone over a cup of tea , like reading the newspaper. But this also has to do with the type of relationship you have-we are the type that tell each other everything and are constantly filling each other in about every single thing that's going on. I know many couples aren't like that.


Exactly this! We don't hide anything from each other and randomly check each other's phones.
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 8:54 pm
cm wrote:
He isn't hiding anything from me. Perhaps we are older than many on Imamother (I always come around to this eventually in these phone-themed discussions) but we seem to have a different understand of normal expectations of communication and privacy than I hear about here.

I would never open his personal correspondence, whether paper or electronic. I do not expect him to open mine, or to want to. There are no secrets between us, but there is trust and respect.

He uses his phone primarily for work, so I doubt anything on it is of great interest. Our social media accounts are intended for others to see and are totally pareve.

We communicate with each other when we see each other in the evening. We do not expect constant access to one another throughout the day, and are not jealous of one another's communication with friends and colleagues.


This is pretty much us, but we are in touch throughout the day. Funny texts and interesting articles are forwarded. We CC each other on all family matters.

I respect DH and vice versa.
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lucky14




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 9:13 pm
My husband has a smartphone and I don't so I look at his whatsapp to catch up on what's going on with his family. I also check his junk email once in a while since we get emails from our apartment complex sent there. He knows this and is totally fine with me doing so. He has no need to use my phone since there's nothing interesting going on there but I wouldn't care if he did. I've asked him to check my email for me when I wasn't home before and needed him to look something up or to see if I've gotten something I was waiting for, I don't mind him looking through my stuff.
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RebekahsMom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 9:53 pm
There’s nothing I say to others that I wouldn’t say to him. My husband also keeps a therapy journal that I have never opened out of respect (unless he shows me a specific page).

That being said, we do have access to each other’s devices. I occasionally open his email only for utility bills sent there. I feel that if you need to search, the damage is already done. (I have looked once or twice in the past, but curiousity- NOT suspicion).

And if someone felt so strongly that they asked me, I would show them just to put their fears to rest. If they still felt the need to snoop, then I would question what is wrong in our relationship.

Similarly, I couldn’t date a man who kept secrets from me.
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amother
Purple


 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 11:24 pm
I used to sound like all of you. Its private. Its his space etc
Until he refuses to give me the phone to make an urgent call on the groinds of "its My space"
And then it all unravelled to the numeeous women in his life.
Suffice it to say Our marriage is over.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 11:58 pm
There are halachot against reading another person's mail.

It violates the privacy of both the sender and receiver.
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LovesHashem




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 29 2017, 1:48 am
DrMom wrote:
There are halachot against reading another person's mail.

It violates the privacy of both the sender and receiver.


Many posters have written that their RAV told them that between husband and wife it's not like that. Everyone listen to their rav.

In my opinion yes, you should be able to freely see each others phones, mail, and papers. In a husband and wife scenario one should respect a claim not to look in a specific area if it is reasonable. This is in a healthy marriage of course.

Such as if a spouse has close friends or family, not to look through those private chats. (Assuming this is a healthy marriage and you trust that they aren't writing about all your disagreements etc....cuz you have a good relationship and the spouse has healthy relationships with family and friends, no bouderies or mommy issues... Etc.).

Sometimes someone may want to surprise their spouse so if they make a weird request but put it in a time frame. 'Like please don't look there now. You can see it another time" that's okay in my book. this though I go by only if it's used sparingly and again.... Trust and healthy marriage. If it happens once in a blue moon... Once or twice a year... Or once a month (if you two are into surprises and cute things) (oh and just try to delete what you can immediately after doing it if it's a surprise!!!!!! That's the best option!!)

The last point I'll make that as a writer, sometimes I write poetry that's personal. Poetry that personal doesn't happen often but I would ask my DH before opening folded papers. I write poetry and I also write letters to Hashem (on paper) or stuff about my spiritual goals, emotions (that I need to get out). Sometimes those notes are even about DH, about grappling with a dissapoontment or being mevater, the little things you know you should shut up about but bother you and you need to get it out but in the bigger picture talking to Dh will make things worse (like DH'S habits, weight, etc) (all of these papers would be just for me).

A lot of my friends are writers too. Throughout high school I always asked even my best friends who let me go through their bags, phones, and everything before opening up folded papers and note taking apps.

Of course in the last two scenarios. With private notes and surprises try to delete your trails, or have a box of papers DH knows are private to minimize bumps.

Besides for that there should be a general feeling and idea of" what's mine is yours, and unity".
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Studious




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 29 2017, 3:16 am
amother wrote:
Im the same as little neshamale. We constantly look at each other's phones, and I joke that if I wouldn't I would have no idea what's going on in his life.
It's also helpful to my husband to see all conversations I have with my children's educators and dr's.
We have a completely trusting marriage and we're great friends- thank g-d.


But what does your close relationship with your husband got to do with your friends' privacy? If your friend texts you about her period cramps or ch"v breast cancer diagnosis, she doesn't deserve privacy?
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amother
Olive


 

Post Fri, Sep 29 2017, 3:29 am
DrMom wrote:
There are halachot against reading another person's mail.

It violates the privacy of both the sender and receiver.


I'm not sure if it's a halacha per se, it's a cheirm d'rabbeinu gershom. It doesn't necessarily apply to electronic mail.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 29 2017, 4:02 am
Yes because we're married.
If there's something a friend sent me that is too personal, I'll tell not to look at that. Also he can stop reading if he sees it's viebe zachen LOL.
More seriously I have nothing to hide. I wouldn't want him to be always checking, but once in a while I don't even notice.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Fri, Sep 29 2017, 4:07 am
amother wrote:
I'm not sure if it's a halacha per se, it's a cheirm d'rabbeinu gershom. It doesn't necessarily apply to electronic mail.


Just curious: why would it not apply to electronic mail? What's the difference, other than the technical side of generating words? My feeling is that it should be just as confidential than a letter written on paper because it's the same kind of content (I grew up before the cell phone and e-mail era).

By the way, we don't go through each other's cell phones or mail boxes. If an e-mail for me arrives in dh's box, I ask him before logging in and reading it. He does leave his fb profile constantly open on the computer so I sometimes look at what's open anyway but I don't open his private messages.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 29 2017, 4:08 am
No. But I wouldn't care if he did. And I don't think he'd care if I checked his. But we just don't.
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Studious




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 29 2017, 4:18 am
And what about listening to your phone calls? Following you around? Dropping by a cafe where you're meeting up with friends? Where do you draw the line? Maybe because I am a private person (and a privacy lawyer) reading each other's emails and texts sounds strange to me. It's not as if I'm hiding anything interesting, but it would feel invasive.
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LovesHashem




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 29 2017, 4:27 am
Studious wrote:
And what about listening to your phone calls? Following you around? Dropping by a cafe where you're meeting up with friends? Where do you draw the line? Maybe because I am a private person (and a privacy lawyer) reading each other's emails and texts sounds strange to me. It's not as if I'm hiding anything interesting, but it would feel invasive.


It's a personality thing. I'm a very open person. I have no secrets and most of my good friends know everything about me...
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Studious




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 29 2017, 4:30 am
LovesHashem wrote:
It's a personality thing. I'm a very open person. I have no secrets and most of my good friends know everything about me...

You wouldn't mind your husband listening to your phone calls?
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 29 2017, 4:31 am
I have no secret for my husband. Following me yes that's weird. Wanting to come with me, yay!
I have no idea what a privacy lawyer is lol.
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LovesHashem




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 29 2017, 4:35 am
Studious wrote:
You wouldn't mind your husband listening to your phone calls?


I don't think my friends would take well to that. But if they were hundred percent okay with it for some weird reason... Why not? That's why I say friends and stuff get privacy as there's another person in the equation.

I've always let my best friends in high school go through everything except papers..... Why not? So too my DH. Like why not?

I wouldn't want him following me cuz it's annoying to be with anyone 24/7 and also I need alone time with friends and other family members and alone time with myself too.

If I was having a conversation with a friend or family member and was bonding with them and having alone time I wouldn't want him to listen. But texts and emails aren't bonding or alone time.

My languages of love is time and physical contact.. So I need time alone with others.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Fri, Sep 29 2017, 5:31 am
Studious wrote:
And what about listening to your phone calls? Following you around? Dropping by a cafe where you're meeting up with friends? Where do you draw the line? .


Somewhere in between I'd draw the line. As I wrote above, we don't go through each other's phones or mails and I would feel annoyed if I ever caught him going through mine. Not because it's secret, it isn't. How can I explain this - it's a bit like I don't want him to watch me undress through the key hole of the bathroom door. He's obviously seen me without clothes lots of times, but that would be different somehow and disturb me.
But I don't mind him (or anyone else) listening to my phone calls - I regard speech on the phone as semi-public anyway. My policy is to avoid saying really private things on the phone - you never know who's listening.
Following around is totally invasive and unacceptable. I'd be furious.
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