I am dying a slow, painful death with my son's behavior.

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Nov 01 2017, 4:53 am

amother wrote:

I have not been on this website in years, but I seriously don't know who to turn to. I hope someone here can direct me. I have a son who is 12, very close to bar mitzvah. On the outside, he is an angel. He never acts up in school, never gets in trouble. He is extremely self conscious about himself and about what everyone is thinking. THEN HE COMES HOME. He terrorizes the family.1. Husband is a very laid back kind of person who rarely defends me. They are buddy buddy.
Any help or words of encouragement are literally pikuach nefesh as I feel I can't go on.

Dearest Seafoam,

I hope very much that with Hashem's Help, the ball has already started rolling for help for your son and you and your family.

I was reading your post again this morning, and something occurred to me:

- You write that your son is extremely self-conscious (about himself) and about what
everyone is thinking (presumably of him.)

- You also write that your son is very close to his Bar Mitzvah.

- You also mentioned that friction with your son at home has been going on the last 2.5 years, but has escalated into physical violence the last year.

I'm assuming that your son is now in the grade in school where his classmates are having Bar Mitzvahs.

Usually in the Bar Mitzvah grade the atmosphere is very competitive as his classmates discuss the (GRAND AND LAVISH) plans for their Bar Mitzvahs. Not all families make lavish expensive Bar Mitzvahs, but there certainly are some/many that do.

If your son is as you say very self conscious and worries what others think of him: his upcoming Bar Mitzvah could be a HUGE strain on him.

The Bar Mitzvah bochur sits center table and has to shake hands with all the well wishers.

Usually the Bar Mitzvah bochur says a pshetl. (I don't know how it is in your circle)

Then there is the Shabbos aliyah laTorah where this self-conscious 13 yr. old steps up to the bimah and leins from the Torah., and possibly a kiddush after.

He is well aware that everyone's eyes are on HIM, and the whole tantara is about HIM.

Do you know how tortorous the thinking of this all can be for a slef-conscious type of boy???

I don't know what type of Bar Miztvah you are planning for your dear son: if you are planning
a big event with a lot of guests or a small quieter simchah.

I suppose that there has been talk/discussions at home about his upcoming Bar Mitzvah.
How does your son react at those discussions?

Do you and your husband or his grandparents have high expectations of your son that he know his pshetl perfect, and his behavior at the Bar Mitzvah should be p-e-r-f-e-c-t, that he should not chas v'Shalom shame his parents, his family, and himself.

Have you and your husband or anyone else of your family been drilling into your son the past months their (high)expectations of him.

Even the type of hat and suit and tie can be a cause for friction and awesome fear inside your son.

I know of Bar Mitzvah boys who acted up in the year preceding their Bar Mitzvah and even the year beforehand, and their parents couldn't fathom what had happened to their son
suddenly.

I'm not meaning to imply that his Bar Mitzvah is the sole reasons for his violent behavior, but it can certainly be a catalyst for escalating his negative behavior.

Your son needs a lot of support and reasurance at this stage of his life.
Many parebts take an outsider who is geared towards helping upcoming Bar Mitzvah boys emotionally handle the hugeness of this (fearful in the boy's eyes) event.

Dear OP, right now everything looks bleak, but Hashem Runs the world and Loves and Helps every one of His children, incl. you, your son, your husband and your family.

This very son of yours who right now is causing you so much heartache, may eventually be'H give you and your husband the biggest nachas.

Hold on tight. There is hope, be'H.

With love and prayers for you, your son and your family.

amother

cornflower

Wed, Nov 01 2017, 8:55 am

I’m you OP just fast forward 18 + years.
We have a son like this. Has been violent towards his siblings & peers from 4 years old.
Psychologists, psychiatrists , paediatricians , meds... Hashem knows we tried it all.
He was a horror in school, home, Yeshiva...
We lived in a constant state of Anxiety. He couldn’t be left alone with younger kids or he could kill them.
BH we sent him to dorm in an of town Yeshiva (where he terrorised everyone, broke every rule),this saved our family & our sanity.
Only someone who’s lived through this hell can possibly understand the pain, guilt, confusion and anger. Anger at him. Guilt over hating your own child.
He obviously refused medication by 15.
We tried more doctors . No diagnosis besides ADHD. One doctor did tell him he will end in jail. He wasn’t wrong .
He got married. Beat up & abused his wife.
He puts on a show of being frum while being mechalel shabbos & hooking up on Tinder .
He’s the town drunk. Etc,etc.
We tried to get him help because he was a danger to himself so he went and took out a restraining order against us based on lies. Oh, he’s a compulsive liar too.
He is a total phychopath with no feelings towards anyone. His child included.
I’m sorry I cannot give you a happily ever after.
We are still on this journey & I hope he disappeares & stops abusing us.
Any contact with him literally makes me ill.
I cry for days after. All the guilt of “maybe there was more we could have done”.
But we never found the right shaliach.
I pray you do.

amother

Seafoam

Wed, Nov 01 2017, 10:07 am

amother wrote:

I didn't read the whole thread so I apologize if this has been said. Im so sorry for your pain OP. Please get a professional involved like Rabbi Kestenbaum from Waterbury.
Your son needs love he sounds like he is in pain. Your punishments don't sound appropriate at all. ( Im sorry to be honest I am only trying to be helpful so please take it like that) Your son needs to believe that you love him , will advocate for him and that you are his greatest ally!
Maybe have a meeting with him and tell him you want to press restart on your relationship. Please look at his baby pics to bring out your maternal love and write a list of his positive qualities. Once he feels your love then only then can you be mechanech him. The fact that he is well behaved in school makes me think he is a regular kid and has no real issues. Obviously rule out any abuse or trauma.
Many many hugs and I will daven for you and your son!

OP here. Love this message. Thank you.

amother

Seafoam

Wed, Nov 01 2017, 10:22 am

OP here:
First of all, I literally did not check my messages for 24 hours. I did not think anyone would reply. This morning, I logged in and I said to my husband OMG I have over 100 responses! So ladies, thank you so so so much for taking time to care and write.

I have so much to think about. I read about 3/4 of the responses. I would like to give a little bit more info. I had the same type of relationship with my mother. I was the oldest. She always yelled at me. Always criticized me. Always punished me. She actually "punished me" when I was engaged and didn't let me talk to my chosson! I can't remember why but it was definitely trivial. So, for starters I do not have the correct tools to deal with this. My husband is from a very dysfunctional background. This can be why he doesn't defend me. When my son misbehaves, I do not react well. I generally yell right away. Many times I hit him. I call him derogatory names such as "[crazy], insane, eligible for mental hospital, animal" etc. I KNOW that this is not the way to handle it but I suppose I have given up. What I have taken from these posts:
1. I need to reset. I need to give this relationship a new chance.
2. I need to stop punishing and being critical.
3. I need to get him back into therapy. I need my own therapy.
I will continue to write but my youngest is crying, so I need to go for now. I just wanted to check in. Thanks a million!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mommy201

Wed, Nov 01 2017, 10:42 am

amother wrote:

I am really impressed that you are able to look at yourself and realize that something needs to change. I know someone who you can possibly help you. You can PM me.

pause

Wed, Nov 01 2017, 10:45 am

amother wrote:

Your background is actually extremely important here, as is your DH's. You both need individual therapy to work out your childhoods. Besides that, a parenting class that you both attend will help give you tools to reset the relationship and avoid being critical. Just saying that you're gonna do it, is usually not sufficient. You need sills and tools to use when he acts up.

Awareness is the first step, and that's where you're up to now. But action is the most important step, and you need to take action pronto.

Hatzlacha! It's not an easy journey, but one you must take regardless. We're here to help you along as you move forward.

amother

Crimson

Wed, Nov 01 2017, 10:57 am

I read your most recent post and had an inner laugh. After reading your first post where you mentioned your son behaves elsewhere, I was positive that there were serious home issues. I read all the bashing of your son's behavior and inside I was thinking there is no way its just him. But decided not to respond because I was sure I'd be bashed. So now you say the truth.

Whatever "death" you may feel about his behavior, I can guarantee you that his inner slow painful death is worse.

As much as you may feel he is not allowed to hit you (and you are right), even more than that you are not allowed to verbally abuse him, withhold food, or punish him severely.

I had a mother who did not like me and who withheld food and other "privileges" that she gave to other siblings. The anger, hurt, and pain is almost indescribable. I have worked in therapy for a very long time and just recently decided to severely limit my interactions with my family of origin. The decision is from a place of health and strength and I am positive it is the right thing to do.

I hope you work on yourself. Your son deserves better.

Laiya

Wed, Nov 01 2017, 11:10 am

amother wrote:

We learn that it takes a lifetime to change just one middah. OP, I am in awe of you.

amother

Blush

Wed, Nov 01 2017, 11:38 am

I hate all the parent blaming that goes on here.

I had a child like OP's. I set limits and showed love. He followed me around screaming at me for hours on end. From the time I came home until I locked myself in the bathroom after dinner, it was always stupid ******* moron this and why are you such an idiot that. For hours and hours. I did not want to come home from work- stayed as late as possible. This went on for years.

And throughout all of it, I was calm and patient and almost never raised my voice and tried to be neutral and limit-setting and loving. I'd compliment him on speaking nicely and showing patience and not hurting his siblings. He would get angry that I wasn't yelling or screaming. He refused to go to any psychiatrists, he was my size and heights and then grew larger.

Part of it was because his father was enabling too. When I left, things got better- our relationship improved. He lives with his dad who has zero control over him and just lets him do whatever he wants- no limits,no bedtime, no rules at all. I am just being pleasant and neutral.

All of you people who are judging this woman do not know what it is like to walk in her shoes.

pause

Wed, Nov 01 2017, 11:45 am

amother wrote:

WADR, you said you stayed calm, never raised your voice, and remained loving. OP said in her first post that she is critical, etc. So yeah. Nobody is saying it's impossible to have a child who is psychologically ill. But when the mother is stating her role (and kudos to op for not being in denial!), that's the obvious cause.

little neshamala

Wed, Nov 01 2017, 1:05 pm

amother wrote:

I am curious, after OPs clarification, how many posters will continue yelling that she is the victim of abuse? Or, like I said earlier, she is hurting her son. Abusing him, in fact.

OP, I commend you for being honest with yourself. Good for you. However, id like to take it one step further and ask you to be even harsher with yourself. Really harsh. (Go ahead and bash me everyone, I dont care).

You are abusing your child. Physically and emotionally. You need to get help for yourself, faster than youve been trying. IMMEDIATELY. Speaking from experience unfortunately, I can tell you that most (if not all) of our gedolim today would tell your son that he does not have the din of being your child Kibud Av Vaem wise. In other words, you are not behaving like a parent, therefore all halachos to do with him and you with kibud av vaem do not apply.

Imagine a tiny adorable puppy that is being yelled at and kicked around by his owner...beaten...then put in a bag with stones and dumped into the river. That is what you are doing to your poor baby.

If this thread wouldve started from the point of view of your neighbor who overhears whats going on in your home I guarantee you EVERYBODY would've been yelling at her to report you.

I am not saying that...but I am saying that its not nearly enough for you to say youre not parenting well and you need some help.

You need to look at this like pikuach nefesh. You MUST get a lot of help right now before you KILL your son. (Physically or emotionally)

Btw, if your son is doing well in school, that shows me hes got some amazing inner strength and probably an awesome hidden personality. Get to know him.

I hope my words havent hurt you. I wasnt trying to-if I did, please please be mochel me.
Im just coming from the point of view of a child who went through this and more...wishing you tons of hatzlacha and a beautiful future.

Now go start on getting real help. NOW. Hug

marina

Wed, Nov 01 2017, 1:39 pm

little neshamala wrote:

Yeah I'm going to have to retract my post.

rikki 1

Wed, Nov 01 2017, 1:50 pm

I am in a VERY similar situation.

I am not sharing my story because I would have to be vague and then people will pounce on me because they won't have all the details.

One thing I can say, that everyone else is saying:

Get help.
BUT I'm saying a concrete way of help.

I don't know where you live but here in NJ there is a government agency that is split into two parts:

CMO/PerformCare- they provide therapy IN THE HOME for 3 months at a time for crisis management, can be extended as needed. This way the therapist can be involved in the situation and see what's going on, he's not just in his cozy office. if your child won't work with the therapist, YOU can work with the therapist and have someone holding your hand guiding you.

This is what I"m doing now. my son refused, even tried to mess up the sessions sometimes but now made peace with it and I feel the bit of sanity I have now is due to this therapist. he is coming for 2 hour sessions, could be broken up if I wanted.

OR- if in a REAL crisis, there's a 24 hour hotline (Mobile Response) and they send someone down right away. I never called them myself so don't know what they will help you with- but if you need help with safety- you have someone to call.

The best part is that it's FREE!! I don't know for all income brackets but I think if your kids are on Jersey Care then it's for sure free.