I am dying a slow, painful death with my son's behavior.

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 4:52 pm

There was a point in my life when I was in so much pain. I would scream and yell and throw things and curse my family out. I was totally fine in school, if anything I came across as shy, though I did have friends and I was generally happy. I had so much inner pain inside me and I did not know what to do with it. has no one else felt such intense pain....
(B'H I went to a fantastic therapist, actually got a diagnosis, and have become a totally new me, now its years later)
I do not think explosive behavior is acceptable, but! there has got to be a reason he is acting this way. He is begging for help. how much louder does he need to beg!?

mommy3b2c

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 4:54 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

Dear Abba,

Your son is working his hardest to control himself at school. When he comes home, though, he loses it, and attacks the person he knows will love him no matter what. That's not you. You're not there. You're not the one dealing with discipline and homework and the other kids. Does he feel safe with you? Or are you just another person he's holding it all in for, because he doesn't feel safe with you?

How's about you be home every afternoon, and deal with it. You deal with the discipline. You deal with the other kids. Give it a month or two. Meanwhile, Ima will be out of the house. Let me know how it goes.

Very well said!

amother

Red

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 5:06 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

I'm not sure how you get to this.
OP clearly says that she and her son had NEVER been close and that he has always gotten along very well with his father.
I was also shocked to all the posters responses about domestic violence and calling cops etc. He's a little kid still who sometimes hits his mother. Yes, that's not to be tolerated, but withholding meals from him and confiscating everything he owns is just as bad IMHO.

We've had other similar threads where posters were labeling the OP with BPD for writing such language about her child ruining her life. I'm not insinuating that's the case here at all. Sounds like there's a lot of pain that needs to be addressed from all sides and likely he does need some psychiatric intervention as well. It's just interesting how this thread could have totally gone either way and everyone here has jumped on the domestic violence bandwagon...

amother

Wheat

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 7:34 pm

You really don't know what its like living with a child like that.

Since I'm going thru the same hell that op is going through ill tell you what happened in my house tonight.

DD struggles academically. DH (who is not so involved) promised dd he would take her out for ice cream for a treat for her efforts. For days he wasn't available to take her and she Waited patiently. tonight they were getting ready to leave and our aggressive, impulsive son started to beat up dd since dh said he cant come along. DS was left home and started yelling, throwing things .... When I tried to talk to him he yelled at me that I'm an idiot and he's gonna hit me. I walked away and went to my room and locked my door. He started yelling "mommy is a tuchus face" and was kicking my door. After a few minutes he left and my younger kids came to my door crying that he was hurting them.

One of his first comments to me when he came home today was "why are you wearing such an ugly sweater?" I ignored.

Later, when I was on the phone he kept picking up and yelling into the phone to the point that o had to hang up since I couldn't continue the conversation.

He smashed ds (5) Lego creation.

I'm locked in my room now - he keeps kicking, shouting butt face

mommy3b2c

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 7:36 pm

amother wrote:

I can't imagine how painful this is. Are you in therapy? Is he in therapy? This is not a way to live. There is help out there, and you must get it.

amother

Lemon

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 8:04 pm

I am seriously shocked at the majority of the posters responses! It seems like most people are calling " domestic abuse"!! Call the cops!!??? On your own kid??? Im so shocked by the serious lack of sechel and heart!
I hope OP takes to heart the few voices of truth ( little neshamale and others) that show that this boy ( yes he is still a boy he isn't even Bar Mitzvah yet) is in so much pain and is clearly begging , and screaming for help, love and understanding. I was a very difficult intense teenager who screamed and yelled. If my parents withheld dinner and took my belongings away of course I would retaliate. And then they would call the cops on me??? I cant even begin to think of where I would be now. ( Probably in the psych ward;)
Instead I am a teacher and a mother and a respected part of my community. You need to treat kids with respect and love and then they will flourish. When a child feels threatened they will retaliate.
OP, please don't take this harshly. I truly care and want to help. I am sure you are a wonderful mother who is in a very challenging situation. Please contact professionals fast:) and take care of yourself , you sound like you need a break:)Davening for you!

amother

Bisque

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 8:05 pm

amother wrote:

Have you been working with a professional? What strikes me about this story is that you make no mention of implementing any type of limit setting or consequences. You also need a plan in place to protect the younger children. It sounds like he really rules the roost. I'm sorry I may sound harsh, but as a mom in the trenches of parenting difficult children, I can say that some basic parenting techniques need to be put into place here.

amother

Slateblue

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 8:09 pm

amother wrote:

Oy where are the other kids?

debsey

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 8:40 pm

rae wrote:

You’re right Debsey, but along the way the child gets a whole education on things he probably didn’t know existed. Most adolescent psych units are for age 12-17 meaning 18. You might come out with correct info, a diagnosis but he’ll also learn how to do drugs, different ways kids tried to kill self or others, relationship issues between kids etc. definitely not a good starting point for an explosive 12 year old child who might be getting bullied or molested. Might’ve been witness to something that scared him. Might be feeling extremely threatened and can’t understand why no one realizes or is helping. It could be a cry for help.

Just so you know, this is not necessarily true. Private hospitals have pediatric inpatient units that do not lump 12 year olds with 17 year olds. There is also great care taken to keep the kids who self-harm or talk about drug behaviors away from kids who don't have those issues.

Obviously, if you go to a state hospital, you're going to get a fairly substandard service, but you get what you pay for in mental health care.

Many posters are acting like "psychiatric hold" means "lock him up and throw away the key." Here's what it really means, for a first time kid (frequent fliers get different treatment).

They come in. Put in own room. Watched by a nurse consistently for first 24 hours. Psychiatrist comes in. Does detailed assessment. Decides on med strategy. Gets started on meds. Gets started on behavioral program (better behavior equals more privileges) Gets into group, individual, and recreational therapy (all of which are very closely monitored)

Team figures kids out. Gets a diagnosis. Parents feel good, knowing what's wrong and there's a method for handling it. They start family therapy, on the unit, with a trained psychologist who specializes in this. They come up with a safety plan. They come up with limits and how to handle it if the child crosses those. Before the child can be discharged, he's hooked up with a therapist at an outpatient facility, a family therapist, and he knows the safety plan.

At that point, everyone has hope. The kid knows why he feels so aggressive and explosive, and knows how to handle it. The parents know how to handle him. Life gets better.

When you do a lot of patient surveys (which I did earlier in my career), you get to hear a lot of stories as they happen, and then one, three, and five years later. And you hear about how a kid who almost killed his parents and has a really dark year at age 12 is totally fine at age 17, because of this type of intervention.

Don't scare parents away from inpatient treatment. OP, here's what you do: You call referral agencies, find which inpatient is best for this type of kid, and get him the help he needs, before he (or you) are beyond it. Please, don't play games with your family's safety.

pause

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 9:03 pm

amother wrote:

I have not been on this website in years, but I seriously don't know who to turn to. I hope someone here can direct me. I have a son who is 12, very close to bar mitzvah. On the outside, he is an angel. He never acts up in school, never gets in trouble. He is extremely self conscious about himself and about what everyone is thinking. THEN HE COMES HOME. He terrorizes the family. I am his #1 victim. He calls me every disgusting low words out there. He turns into a monster if I don't let him have what he wants. He recently started becoming violent with me. He smacks, punches, kicks me etc. He can CARE LESS what I say. I have punished him until I have no more ideas. I have literally confiscated every single thing he ever owned. I refuse to give him dinner or do things for him. He is horrible to his siblings. He will walk right by them and smack them for no reason. He is always looking to bother or fight someone. I really cannot stand him. I already have many health issues and I fear I might drop dead at any moment from the stress. I have met with a therapist but then we had a family death and we stopped going. He has never actually gone, only my husband and I. Sometimes I wish he would just disappear. He is completely ruining my life one moment at a time. I really don't even know if I love him. I am so over yelling and threatening. I can't do another minute of this. Has anyone been through this? Besides the obvious therapy is there anywhere else I can resort to to help me? I am so broken.
Side points:
1. Husband is a very laid back kind of person who rarely defends me. They are buddy buddy.
2. This has been going on for about 2.5 years with the last year being the worst.
3. He does not have any diagnosed physical or mental disabilities.
4. He is the oldest of 5

Any help or words of encouragement are literally pikuach nefesh as I feel I can't go on.

The bolded is a big problem. And possibly what led to the current situation.

As is the lack of getting to the root of the issue. Whether the kid needs therapy, medication, is being bullied or abused. OP has no idea. No clue. And no mention is made in the post of trying to figure it out.

OP, I feel for your pain. Tza'ar gidul banim is exactly that: tza'ar, pain, suffering.

I don't see why posters feel the need to either side with OP or side with her son. It's obviously a problem on both ends. OP, YOU need help. Get yourself to therapy NOW. Take a parenting course or better yet, get a one-on-one parenting mentor. You need to learn better skills for child-rearing.

At the same time, you need to help your son. Get him to therapy NOW. An evaluation to figure out what's going on with him: is he being abused, does he now have some mental issue. You need a name for the problem before you can figure out a solution.

And your husband, he needs a therapist too. To help him navigate his relationship with you regarding your son and how to use his relationship with your son to help him become a better person.

A 12 year old, while big, is still a child. It's very easy for a mother to be verbally and emotionally abusive (while never lifting a hand to hit) and cause such violent reactions. We can't expect a 12 year old kid to be able to self-regulate under such extreme stress of being hated, wishing for his disappearance, and constant criticism - all of which OP has said she's done.

dancingqueen

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 9:11 pm

pause wrote:

From what she wrote her yelling/punishments are a reaction to his recently starting to kick punch and hit her and his siblings as well as curse her out. NOT the other way around as you suggest here, and many others have before you. But op has not been back to clarify.

pause

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 9:20 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

I wish she would clarify because I see "this has been going on for 2.5 years" and then I see "he recently started becoming violent with me". So my question remains, what has she done between 2.5 years ago and recently?

For herself, for the child, for the relationship? Has she tried to get to the root of the issue? Has she changed her tactics?

amother

Aubergine

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 9:23 pm

I posted earlier in this thread that I called the cops and my son was put in a 3 day psych hold against our will, after going to the ER at a Children's Hospital for anxiety (big mistake...never do that). He was actually 15 by the time I called cops. By this age he was doing drugs and due to the drugs he was not even aware (and still doesn't remember) of just how violent he was. He threw a big chair which hit my ankle, had me bleeding and limping. I slept with a locked door and pepper spray. I really don't think any of you understand that a teen can kill someone, cv's. B"H, the cops just talked to him as he was VERY calm when they arrived (it was a 911 call).

Another time (on drugs ) he literally smashed a plate glass window into a courtyard at our townhome and so many police and firemen came, it was unreal. I had him taken by ambulance to a hospital and thank Gd, because in my state a drug overdose where help is sought is not an offense, he was not charged. No criminal record ever. Having him in the hospital was actually a respite for me and my dd, who was extremely traumatized. When he was 12, he WAS terrorizing his sister and I had to guard her always.

My husband did support me totally, but he is handicapped physically himself and somewhat limited. It was pure hell. What changed the dynamic was at my son's new school they made a several month trip to Israel. He came back a changed kid. Still had occasional temper tantrums, but he himself made a decision he wanted to fit into this school and succeed. Hashem made a miracle for sure.

As I said, he rarely comes home and our contact with him is usually brief (an hour at most). This summer my dd and I took a 2 day trip with him and it went pretty well, B"H. He comes home for shabbes once or twice a year. It is what it is, but he is functional for the most part and doing well at college. Of course, he absolutely needs therapy and has recently said so, but has not followed through.

Wilderness programs are for very, very serious cases and there is so much abuse...do a Google search. Yes, it can help some, but it's not worth the risk, IMO.

pause

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 9:27 pm

amother wrote:

Don't you think the fact that he was on drugs makes your story completely different from this one?

amother

Brunette

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 9:39 pm

Apart from the violence, I was a teen who cursed out my parents and was unbearably noncompliant. My mother could have written a similar post (of course the lack of violence makes it difference but my non-compliance and chutzpah was over the top).

What I'm sure she didn't mention when she told my friends about us kids was that my parents were physically abusive until we became teens and were able to resist. Their primary form of discipline was corporal punishment and once we were old enough that they couldn't use that, they had nothing in their toolbox. And we were angry.

OP, I'm sorry for what you're going through. What were your parenting techniques like for this child when he was growing up?