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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
giselle
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 Wed, Nov 01 2017, 12:30 pm
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I usually don’t start this type of thread but I just left a supermarket in Lakewood and need to vent. I can overlook a one time stare. But every time I look up she’s staring all over again! I have developed a habit of staring back which usually makes them uncomfortable enough to look away although not always. (Obviously this was not a one time occurrence or I wouldn’t be posting.)
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MagentaYenta
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Wed, Nov 01 2017, 12:33 pm
| giselle wrote: | | I usually don’t start this type of thread but I just left a supermarket in Lakewood and need to vent. I can overlook a one time stare. But every time I look up she’s staring all over again! I have developed a habit of staring back which usually makes them uncomfortable enough to look away although not always. (Obviously this was not a one time occurrence or I wouldn’t be posting.) |
Who is she?
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giselle
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Wed, Nov 01 2017, 12:34 pm
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Whoever the starer is on that occasion
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amother
Blonde
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Wed, Nov 01 2017, 12:43 pm
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Smile at the starer. If she's doing it by accident because she's spaced out, she'll get the message. And if she's doing it on purpose, because somehow she thinks it's ok to stare, you'll be nicely letting her know that she should stop.
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amother
Floralwhite
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Wed, Nov 01 2017, 12:43 pm
One time I was in a store wearing crocs (not such strange ones - a closed suede top though still a clog) and little boy couldn't stop staring. I was really about to tell him some people wear different shoes because their feet hurt.
But my point is when you look unconventional you often do get people taking it in with more than a casual glance. Not saying they're right. I don't conform and I embrace it. Stare all you want!
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giselle
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Wed, Nov 01 2017, 12:44 pm
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Kids I can excuse somewhat, as they likely weren’t taught well, but I’m referring to adults here.
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MagentaYenta
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Wed, Nov 01 2017, 12:46 pm
| giselle wrote: | | Whoever the starer is on that occasion |
Try whipping out your phone and pretend to take a photo of the person(s).
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amother
Teal
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Wed, Nov 01 2017, 12:48 pm
Giselle, you are validated in your observation of the staring issue in Lakewood. But it's not only Lakewood. It's anywhere frum Jews live in very close quarters, and have privacy breaches because they live on top of each other. For this reason, my husband and I call it "The Yeshiva Lane Stare.".
When I drop off my daughter a little late at school in Lakewood, all the girls on the playground come up to me and stare, with wide eyes, and mouths usually open. Its actually comical. When I walk the halls of the school, some the teachers and secretaries stare. At the grocery store, there's usually that one person (male or female) staring.
It's a social grace I was brought up with (ffb, regular frum that became yeshivish) - staring is rude. But it's not taught to the majority of yeshivish kids, especially those living in close quarters with lots of kids from similar families. Not sure why. I can't stand when I see my kids staring open mouthed at others. Wish this problem was addressed as standard middos, staring is really not kavod habrios.
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giselle
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Wed, Nov 01 2017, 12:48 pm
| MagentaYenta wrote: | | Try whipping out your phone and pretend to take a photo of the person(s). |
Love this! 
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simba
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Wed, Nov 01 2017, 12:48 pm
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It is not only Lakewood. Staring back is great! I work in a very Chassidish neighborhood and get stared down all the time. I think it is so comical that they think it is normal!
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amother
Pink
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Wed, Nov 01 2017, 1:57 pm
BTDT, not in Lakewood but Brooklyn and Rockland counties, also Meah Shearim of course. My uncharitable take is that they don’t consider anyone really human who is at all different to them, and it’s not rude to stare at animals and other subhumans.
I feel it’s mean to stare back at young children, and besides, who’s the adult here? It’s immodest to stare back at men, though the real question is how are they justifying looking at me, an obviously female of the species, even if a bit past her prime? Hint: see above re subhumans. I wouldn’t want one of them to think I’m giving him “the eye”, when all I’m giving him is the “stink-eye”, so I ignore them. But I seethe inwardly.
I could stare back at the women, but to my mind, anyone who would stare at another person is so lost to basic etiquette that she wouldn’t understand why I’m staring angrily back. So I just ...
IGNORE THEM
and
CARRY ON
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amother
Crimson
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Wed, Nov 01 2017, 2:00 pm
Anon because I'm embarrassed.
I'm a starer. I love to people watch, and I love nice clothing etc, so if you were wearing a nice, unusual outfit, or a unique hairstyle, it might have been me staring at you 
I gotta stop that habit but I love seeing other people's clothing!
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ssss1
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Wed, Nov 01 2017, 2:03 pm
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Omg, my pet peeve!! I get stared down ALL the time - sometimes by people who hate to be stared at themselves (self conscious people!)...I think it comes down to upbringing/ chinuch, my parents spoke to us about this-the idea that staring is rude, makes people uncomfortable and you shouldn't in general be too nosy, wanting to always know what's going on with everyone else etc...In my neighborhood, when hatzalah came for someone, a whole crowd would form to watch, we particularly were brought up to say tehillim and not to look, 'don't do to others what you wouldn't want to be done to you' ,staring is not respectful and invades people's privacy.
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amother
Green
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Wed, Nov 01 2017, 2:04 pm
| amother wrote: | Anon because I'm embarrassed.
I'm a starer. I love to people watch, and I love nice clothing etc, so if you were wearing a nice, unusual outfit, or a unique hairstyle, it might have been me staring at you
I gotta stop that habit but I love seeing other people's clothing! |
Me too. I try very hard not too stare and mind my own business but I like seeing what is going on around me. I slip way too often.
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imasoftov
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Wed, Nov 01 2017, 2:10 pm
| MagentaYenta wrote: | | Try whipping out your phone and pretend to take a photo of the person(s). |
Or even take the photo.
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giselle
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Wed, Nov 01 2017, 2:26 pm
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And post on social media
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Chayalle
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Wed, Nov 01 2017, 2:27 pm
I live in Lakewood and haven't noticed it. Guess I'm not stare-worthy.
Maybe the lady thinks she might know you from somewhere.
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debsey
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Wed, Nov 01 2017, 2:30 pm
| giselle wrote: | | I usually don’t start this type of thread but I just left a supermarket in Lakewood and need to vent. I can overlook a one time stare. But every time I look up she’s staring all over again! I have developed a habit of staring back which usually makes them uncomfortable enough to look away although not always. (Obviously this was not a one time occurrence or I wouldn’t be posting.) |
Smile and wave!
She might not even be looking at you, but everyone likes a smile.
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amother
Tan
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Wed, Nov 01 2017, 2:33 pm
I live in Lakewood and no-one ever stares at me, either...
I'm guessing that you dress differently than a typical Lakewood woman, would that be why they are looking at you? Perhaps they are looking at you because you just look... different.
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amother
Fuchsia
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Wed, Nov 01 2017, 2:36 pm
Usually if excessive amount of people are staring at people its because something is unusual with that person. Not sure if it can be a modesty issue in a place where certain things are not accepted or it's something physical that cannot be changed. If it something that can be changed and it bothers you when people stare so change it.
If you would not like to or you cant change it, dont let it bother you. I always tell my children, it doesnt matter what other people think or say or look, as long as you are doing what is right, do not care and do not worry. If they stare its their problem.
Although I agree with hatzalah situations - not appropriate to look. The most we can do is to teach our kids not to look
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