Is this appropriate?

amother

Forestgreen

Thu, Nov 09 2017, 9:02 am

My sister is in her upper 20's and is dating a guy around the same age very seriously. She was discussing engagement rings with the guy and it came up that the boy had in mind to spend around $3000. My sister wants to politely tell him that she would really like a bigger stone and better quality and would like to add on a few thousand dollars from her own money to whatever he had in mind to spend. Is this acceptable or rude? I want to point out that my sister is a plain jane. She lives simply and a'h once married will not be demanding $3000 wigs, a fancy car and expensive vacations. In fact, it will be the opposite. For whatever reason she really wants a nice expensive diamond though, but I'm not sure if this will make her look like a stuck-up snob. I realize the simple thing would be for her to keep her mouth shut. My question is whether this is completely out of line and inappropriate or just a little unusual but not so bad?

amother

Wheat

Thu, Nov 09 2017, 9:07 am

Once the guy opened up the topic on how much money he wants to spend on an engagement ring - then the topic is open for discussion. If sister was hoping for a bigger nicer ring than $3,000 can buy - I don't see why they can't talk about that. Of course if she demands it...well... that's another story.

MiracleMama

Thu, Nov 09 2017, 9:15 am

amother wrote:

I agree. She can say what she wants, make the offer to contribute, and if he is uncomfortable with that then I guess she has a choice to make about which she wants more: the big diamond or the husband.

causemommysaid

Thu, Nov 09 2017, 9:21 am

At the risk of flying tomatoes, 3k these days won't get you very much in terms of a diamond. If it's important to her, I think it's fine to add a few thousand to get what she likes. I would think her future husband would want her to be happy with her ring and its not like she is asking him to spend more.

Bnei Berak 10

Thu, Nov 09 2017, 9:52 am

OP, I think if she is willing to chip in her own money I don't see the problem at all. He pays what he is able to afford, she adds her money and everyone should be happy. You just need to put it in a delicate way and not making him feel inferior.

simba

Thu, Nov 09 2017, 10:03 am

I would say no. Engagement ring is a gift. Take it with grace.

My engagement ring is very small. Almost embarrassing if I decided to care or think that it is any indication of my self-worth or directly connected to how much my DH loved me.

Is she really has to then she should think of a very careful way to say it. I cant think of one!

Ruchel

Thu, Nov 09 2017, 11:51 am

It's nasty to say it, but... maybe she could say bigger stone on the same budget. If you go directly to a diamond dealer you'll have a better price.

amother

Wheat

Thu, Nov 09 2017, 11:59 am

simba wrote:

Is she really has to then she should think of a very careful way to say it. I cant think of one!

How about - yesterday you mentioned you'd like to spend $3,000 on a ring. I'm sooo excited that we are getting to the point in dating that we are talking about this. I have some very specific ideas of ring design in mind.. can I show you some pictures online? Looks like they tend to run more than $3,000 - maybe I could chip in?

We have no idea if future DH can't afford more then $3,000 or doesn't want to spend more than $3,000 or has no idea what $3,000 looks like translated into a ring.

simba

Thu, Nov 09 2017, 12:04 pm

amother wrote:

I will let others weigh in. I think it is distasteful.
My DH got a watch when he was a chosson. I would have taken it as arrogant, materialistic and not mentchlich of him to offer to add some to it so he can have something he specifically wanted.

amother

Wheat

Thu, Nov 09 2017, 12:09 pm

simba wrote:

I will let others weigh in. I think it is distasteful.

I think the door to distasteful was opened when the guy mentioned to the young lady how much he was going to spend on the ring. Once the door is open...

My DH got a watch from my parents. Its meaningful to him because its was from them.. it would loose meaning if he chipped in (not that this was a thought).

My ring is meaningful to me because of its 'back story'.. Perhaps this young lady just wants to like her ring. The sentiment isn't what she is looking for.

erm

Thu, Nov 09 2017, 12:24 pm

when I was engaged, I had a pair of earrings that I wanted and knew they were more than my chosson was able to spend. I went straight to the store owner and told him that he should give a specific price to the chosson and I gave the difference without my chosson knowing. Perhaps she can speak to the person he is buying the diamond from and pay separately so he doesn't feel bad. The guy will just think he got a great deal

agreer

Thu, Nov 09 2017, 12:30 pm

Hmm...She wants to get the ring she wants, asserted that with a future spouse, and offered to contribute her own money? There's nothing distasteful about that!

Distasteful would be demanding he spend more of his own money, knowing it's out of the budget.

Distasteful would be receiving the small ring and making jokes about not being able to see the diamond.

He opened up the conversation. She thought of a way to make it better for herself. Sounds good to me.

LittleDucky

Thu, Nov 09 2017, 12:39 pm

erm wrote:

This doesn't sit right with me. Going behind future husband's back? What if he finds out?

Raisin

Thu, Nov 09 2017, 12:55 pm

I wouldn't say anything. Honestly. Maybe the guy will find out that when he goes shopping that $3000 is not enough and will raise his budget. Maybe that's all he can afford. Maybe he thinks its a waste of money and would rather spend the money on other (to him) more meaningful gifts. If I was the guy this would leave a very very bad taste in my mouth and send completely the wrong impression.

If your sisters concern is what other people will be thinking, she is not marrying them. She is marrying this guy.

Maybe it was wrong of him to mention the amount of money, but it would be even worse for your sister to say or do anything.

You can always buy a more expensive ring later on, good guys are harder to find.

amother

Salmon

Thu, Nov 09 2017, 12:58 pm

just want to mention there are different ways of getting a cheaper ring. My ring was under 2000 and while I never wear it because I don't wear rings I think it's a nice size. It was a special type, I think it had a blemish cut out of it or something can't remember which made it cheaper.

Raisin

Thu, Nov 09 2017, 12:59 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

The OP does not describe her sister as materialistic. I'm not materialistic but like pretty jewellery. I'm sure I could find 100s of nice rings in that price range. But of course my opinion is not important. Its judgemental people like you who will be making this poor girl feel inadequate because her ring is not "good enough" and hence she feels the need to hurt her chassans feelings. .

DrMom

Thu, Nov 09 2017, 2:35 pm

Yuck.

- It was foolish for her potential chattan to even mention how much he was going to spend. Why even go there?

- It was tacky for your sister to reject this idea because the pricetag was too low. Is this really what's important? She really can't find any ring that is to her liking for under $3000??

- And to top it off, she complains to her sister about her chattan not forking over enough for a big enough rock.

How romantic.

amother

Royalblue

Thu, Nov 09 2017, 2:48 pm

Would she consider a stone other than a diamond? For around $2000, you can get a 3 carat equivalent in moissanite, in a gold and diamond setting. It very different than a cz, looks great, and will last a lifetime.

When my husband told me his ring budget, I told him that I know it's ridiculous, but I dreamed of having a big flashy stone. I asked him if we could get moissanite instead, which was actually cheaper than his budget, but it enabled me to have my dream ring.

amother

White

Thu, Nov 09 2017, 2:48 pm

So in theory, it doesn't sound like a big deal. After all, she's not demanding anything, using her own money etc. In practice, I think it would be very risky to do this. Foolish as the whole practice is to begin with, the fact is that we as a society have accepted a protocol where guy buys ring and proposes. The girl should of course be open about her style and preferences, but to pay for part of it would take away a lot from what the ring is about. And the guy is not likely to take it well. I wouldn't chance it. Take what he gives now and let it "grow" with time (by which I mean eventually upgrading the stone. I know many people who upgraded their rings when they were older and more established).

Fox

Thu, Nov 09 2017, 3:25 pm

Ew! No. I'm with DrMom on this. Most men ask for general ideas about settings, shapes, and styles, but an engagement ring is a gift -- not the fulfillment of a girlish fantasy.

There is no way the kallah is going to come off looking good in this. She's either going to seem ridiculously immature and shallow or she's going to look like a cold-hearted negotiator.

However, I have a suggestion: while it is improper for kallahs to notice the size and presumed value of gifts, many men upgrade their wives' diamonds as an anniversary gift or on other similar occasions. It is far more acceptable for a married woman to confide to her husband that what she really, truly wants for a special anniversary is to swap her diamond for a larger one. Since their finances will presumably be mingled by that point, the provenance of the money needn't be made clear.