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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
What do you do when DD is 2 hours past curfew?



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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Mon, Nov 27 2017, 5:22 pm
What are your curfew policies, and what do you do in the event that it hasn't been honored? Obvious choice is grounding, but since I'm new at this I'd like to hear what others do.
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Eemaof3




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 27 2017, 5:28 pm
Can only tell you a tale from my family. When my brother came home long after curfew, my mother was waiting for him and simply said that he would not be going out the following night as planned. He said nothing and each went to bed. In the morning they spoke about it calmly and my brother explained the circumstances which were beyond his control. Wait to discuss calmly. Good luck
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Mon, Nov 27 2017, 5:37 pm
Well what do you know? Kid is sound asleep in bed. Did I miss the door opening? Thanks for the good advice. Sure I'll need it.
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 27 2017, 5:41 pm
You should decide your policies in advance. Consequences are most effective when given closer to the incident.
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 27 2017, 5:49 pm
I would also find out what local ordinances are. When I was a teen, violating curfew got you a visit to the police station. Cant imagine she wants that...
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 27 2017, 6:05 pm
mha3484 wrote:
I would also find out what local ordinances are. When I was a teen, violating curfew got you a visit to the police station. Cant imagine she wants that...


What's with posters and the police today?

I suggest less drastic consequences than something the community would find out about.
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 27 2017, 6:07 pm
No. I lived in suburbia, if the police saw us walking around after curfew they made a big deal out of it. Maybe they did not have enough else to do. But you could casually mention it as a reason to come home earlier.
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 27 2017, 6:12 pm
mha3484 wrote:
No. I lived in suburbia, if the police saw us walking around after curfew they made a big deal out of it. Maybe they did not have enough else to do. But you could casually mention it as a reason to come home earlier.


Your whole town had a teen curfew?
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gibberish




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 27 2017, 9:12 pm
What time is her curfew? Is it at a reasonable time for teens, or earlier than most her friends?
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 27 2017, 9:23 pm
I didn’t have s curfew when I was a teenager
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 27 2017, 9:24 pm
As long as you know where she is and you can reach her why enforce a set time?
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amother
Linen


 

Post Mon, Nov 27 2017, 9:31 pm
Squishy wrote:
Your whole town had a teen curfew?


Whole cities have them!

https://www.theguardian.com/us.....diego
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Mon, Nov 27 2017, 9:32 pm
amother wrote:
What are your curfew policies, and what do you do in the event that it hasn't been honored? Obvious choice is grounding, but since I'm new at this I'd like to hear what others do.


If you're dd knows the curfew rule and chose to break it, grounding makes the most sense to me.

Remind her that she can call you for extra time, whether it be yes or no.

If she's over 18, a special house-rules conversation is needed.
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Tue, Nov 28 2017, 2:01 am
causemommysaid wrote:
As long as you know where she is and you can reach her why enforce a set time?


Because she needs to wake up at 6 to make the 7am bus to school. I don't really care what friends' parents allow. I expect her to be at school on time every day and that's pretty hard if she's sauntering in past midnight.

I gave her a 10:30 curfew. She does feel like I am being too strict, but she was home in time last night and I was in the wrong.

We are in Israel, BTW. No police nearby and no one would bat an eye to see kids around at night.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Tue, Nov 28 2017, 2:40 am
I am in Israel too. Teenagers are out at all hours, not just the smokers/drinkers/partiers, but the good teens too.
I have never heard of a teen being grounded in Israel. It just not done here. How does that work anyway? How do you tell a 16 year old she can't go out all week? I think it is best to avoid no-win situations, and grounding a teenager sounds like one of those (unless grounding is culturally accepted in your circles).
I never had a set curfew for my kids, but I did tell them when I expected them home, and I was in constant phone contact with them. Did you know where this dd was at all times? Was she doing something acceptable? For example, if she is involved in bnei akiva, they have a few 'all nighters' once a year, and it would be strange to expect her to not participate.
One way I always used to avoid conflict was to call and suggest picking them up around 11, telling them I was going to bed and afterwards they would need to take the bus home. That worked sometimes.
ETA - I agree it's important she wakes up in the morning to school. Does she usually manage to do this? How often does she come in so late?
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Tue, Nov 28 2017, 4:24 am
The activities are acceptable - just hanging out with friends and now chodesh irgun. It's not that I worry about who she is with and what they are doing. More that it's night after night, and other parents letting the kids miss school to decorate the hall for performances or what-not or not show up to school because they were up late the night before.

It feels like school plays second fiddle when I think it is her foremost responsibility at this age.

You are right - I need to try to set expectations and then minimize all conflict about it - thanks for those words.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Tue, Nov 28 2017, 4:52 am
Btw chodesh irgun is a big deal here. There are schools out there where kids really do unofficially get mornings or whole days off due to chodesh irgun. My dd's whole class did not come this past Friday or Sunday.
I think it's ridiculous to lose so much school time, but then I think rabbanit purim is even more ridiculous on that score. In any case, I didnt bother forcing dd to go because I knew no one would come.
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