My teenage daughter is hooking up with wrong people

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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MotherBother

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 5:14 pm

I have a teenage daughter and she keeps hooking up with the wrong people.
shes really a good girl but she just doesnt have any friends.
anyone knows where she can make friends?
is there something in monsey where she can go?

singleagain

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 5:20 pm

what do you mean when you say "hooking up" bc the way I understand that is having zex.

also it's very hard to lay down the law with teenagers. I remember from when I was one, but I'm sure others who currently have teens, can give more concrete advice.

MotherBother

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 5:24 pm

I meant to say she hangs out with girls who don't have a good influence on her.
And she doesnt want to, but they are the ones that she has.
She keeps on saying she needs normal friends

amother

Ivory

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 5:27 pm

MotherBother wrote:

Hooking up means having sèx.

Are you trying to say having sèx with the wrong people? If thats not what your trying to say, maybe change the title..

MotherBother

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 5:30 pm

new to this thing dunno how to change it now

Cookiegirl

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 5:31 pm

What school is she in? You may be able to speak to the mechaneches for her grade and they help "orchestrate" positive interactions with classmates or schoolmates. There are also shiurim and programs for teenage girls in Monsey- I think Rabbi Jung does this. You should reach out to the school and hopefully they can give you some guidance.

MotherBother

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 5:32 pm

She is not in school anymore but she's only 17

dancingqueen

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 5:36 pm

MotherBother wrote:

She is not in school anymore but she's only 17

Did she graduate early? What is she doing now? What’s wrong with her current friends?

MotherBother

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 5:39 pm

she graduated early and a lot of her friends are not shomer shabbos or are the OTD boys drugs type

Cookiegirl

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 5:42 pm

Can you reach out to her former school and see if they can set her up with a graduate/mentor, or if one of the younger teachers can reach out to her to reconnect? Perhaps she can benefit from an older girl building her up in a way that will help her self esteem. It sounds like she is aware that she is stuck in a bad environment...

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 5:43 pm

Sounds like she needs a "misgeret". A framework. Like a job, or seminary, college, business or other course, to fill her days and meet new good people.

Think about her strengths and talents and where/how she could use them.

MotherBother

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 5:47 pm

She has a job, she just needs connection relationships with good friends

WhatFor

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 6:05 pm

Monsey has a wide variety of teenagers. There's a reason your daughter is choosing to associate with her particular group of friends and that's what you really need to be looking at, imo.

It's possible she's happy with her friends but knows you aren't, so to save face, she's acting like she doesn't approve of them either and doesn't know how this is happening. It's also possible that she doesn't approve of her activities with them, so she's convincing herself that she doesn't know how she got to be friends with them, like her affiliation with them is beyond her control.

Either way, people choose their friends based on a connection they find with them. Her associating with them is feeding into something that she's looking for. She needs to figure out why she's choosing this.

BH5745

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 6:34 pm

You know your daughter better than we do. If you say she wants to associate with a better group of friends, that's it. In your position I would take her at her word and help her in whatever way I could.

Would it be possible for you to send your daughter away for a while? Maybe there is a program to Eretz Yisroel, an out of town seminary, relatives she could live with and help temporarily or whatever for 6 months to a year. Once people get into a rut in their current environment they often need to get out of that place to make the positive change, especially at such a difficult age. Your daughter could also fall back into the wrong group again after returning though, so be aware.

For your daughter to break away from her current friends in her current environment might take the help of a professional therapist, simply because habits are hard to break and friends hard to leave. Perhaps DD will be open to working with said professional to develop better communication (and assertion) strategies, come up with a positive plan for her goals and monitor her progress together.

Above all your daughter needs connection to Hashem, you and your family, Yiddishkeit and a job where she serves as a positive role model herself (I.e., volunteering as an older sister to Jewish kids at risk or being a pre-school Morah).

BH5745

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 6:38 pm

amother wrote:

Hooking up means having sèx.

Are you trying to say having sèx with the wrong people? If thats not what your trying to say, maybe change the title..

Hooking up does not have to mean having relations... there was a time when people used this term in the sense of 'hanging out.' Besides OP has a serious concern for her daughter's welfare and comments should comfort OP whilst offering practical advice.

amother

Maroon

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 6:47 pm

I had the same but with a son at the same age (also in Monsey). My son was hanging around with such a bad crowed it really scared me. I never criticized him. What we did was get positive people in his life people who were frum but didn't shove it in his face who he respected. We also had him go out of town for awhile to get away from the bad crowed.
B'h he turned around he is 22 now and in a much better place.

Good luck

Surrendered

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 7:55 pm

Rabbi Royde (On Saddle River) has support group for these girls. (Post high school)

33055

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 9:46 pm

What about sending your daughter to seminary or for other schooling?

The nice kids don't like to associate with the not so nice once they get a reputation. In some ways, Monsey is still small town.

BasMelech120

Wed, Dec 20 2017, 12:16 pm

She is drawn to these people for a reason.
Perhaps instead of looking for ways to create more rules (which she might inevitably break), try to learn more about what she is gaining by hanging out with those girls.

Once you've learned that, you will have more information to work with, a clearer picture of what is going on.

BasMelech120

Wed, Dec 20 2017, 12:17 pm

Squishy wrote:

What about sending your daughter to seminary or for other schooling?

The nice kids don't like to associate with the not so nice once they get a reputation. In some ways, Monsey is still small town.

This is a wonderful way to push the problem under the rug. In any school, in any seminary, in any part of the world - this girl will still find people to fill her needs in the way that those girls are doing for her right now.

'Sending the child away' is rarely - dare I say, NEVER - the solution.

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