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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
7 year old dd tends to lie. Please advise me.



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amother
Apricot


 

Post Sun, Dec 31 2017, 12:12 am
Dd is otherwise a really good and obedient child. But she doesn't seem to grasp the concept of being honest. She has no problem making up stuff or twisting stories around. It's really frustrating since I never know when to believe her and when not. She is usually a very mature and understanding child but however many times I tried explaining to her how important it is to b honest it doesn't seem to register with her. I told her so many times that I love her to pieces and it really hurts me that I can't trust her 100%
Any good advice? Please share!
Thank you!
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amother
Plum


 

Post Sun, Dec 31 2017, 1:22 am
Be easy on her. I use the terms fantasy and reality. I let them say all the fantasy they want and laugh along saying but it's fantasy...when ur unsure u ask- is this fantasy or reality. Please dont call it lying. Very strong word. Some children are very creative w wild tboughts and the line is blurred for them. Just accept what they say and clarify with them which it is. Btw to introduce the 2 words to her I'd first tell them 2 her explaining what they each mean then read 2 stories. Like snow white and an obviously true story...maybe of a gadol. Ask at end of each if fantasy or reality. Just cuz it's frustrating for u she still needs her space to be her-in this way she can and u have an easy non confrontational way to clarify.
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Sun, Dec 31 2017, 6:02 am
Excellent advice, plum A mother. Just want to add personal experience.

I was that kind of kid, exactly! I'm 35 yrs old this year bh, and as a mother myself of 5 kids, oldest being 13, I honestly understand why, for me. It is true for most kids. Please don't take this offensively, I'm just throwing out possibilities which were true for me...

Firstly, please don't LABEL your kids a liar. Labeling is disabling. There are many reasons kids lie. Children this age have a thriving imagination - obviously some more than others.

First and foremost we need to make sure we don't lie to our kids. Some mother's promise treats/prizes then forget or don't follow through. Mommy forgets but kid does not. Also when phone rings and you're busy, don't tell you're child to say you're not home. Also, don't lie about leaving them with a sitter to avoid tantrums. The list goes on and on... Role modeling is the best teacher.

A few things to consider: Is she a sandwich child and is not HEARD as much as her older/younger sibs and tries to dramatize so she is heard better? Or simply, the only way to be heard is to appear drastic?! Negative attention is better than none!

Is she lying to defend herself? Sometimes we are overly critical and the child may feel insecure and lie in order not to lose you more.

Imagination or creativity going overboard! Is she a very intense child ? For instance, I was a very determined kid. I was the oldest and had a "perfect" sister a year younger and my mother was definitely more proud and tolerated her better. I grew up in her shadow. When I was 5 or 6 I lied to her that on the Purim play I'll be Queen Esther, BECAUSE I SO WANTED TO, and in my childish mind thought it would really happen. I was NOT queen Esther but my LABEL as liar was born. I remember my mother questioning me multiple times throughout the years over all the truths I said. I really felt she didn't trust me, it ripped me apart.

I am very emotional about this and get very triggered when a kid under at least nine or ten is lectured about lying. Telling her that you love her will not make her STOP LYING. She doesn't even get you.

As a result of my mother's mistrust in me, and subsequently treated me different than my sister or other siblings, our relationship was never solid. My sibling caught on to it and would not share secrets with me even in after marriage! I have gone to therapy and understand myself better now and mended my relationships. I also wanted parenting advice on how to handle my kids. I can BH say that they generally don't lie. Yes they imagine during playtime or suppertime , and can miss the point, but they don't mean to lie. I was told by major parenting expert that as long as a kid doesn't ACT on the lie it's ok up to about age 10. Example WHEN PROFESSIIN ADVICE SHOULD BE SOUGHT: kid steals money from parents or from grocery and denies. Child doesn't come to school on time and when asked lies. If they damage stuff in house constantly and lie about having it done. Obviously if a kid does ACT on lies they have a much deeper problem.

To sum it up, make sure she's not a forgotten child as mentioned above. A suggestion - Tell her, you are such a loving child with a yummy imagination, do you want that very much to happen or DID IT really? Or, "As a kid I dreamt about that stuff a lot , but its not really, sometimes we think it is because we want it so much". With a smile and without judgement and only if you're SURE it's not real... Don't correct her of she lies about unimportant stories. Obviously we are not talking lying about homework. But just regular talk.

You can ask me questions. My therapist told me something that I'll never forget and is very important to remember. I can not stress how important it is for all kids to feel trust!! For me, it would be a life changer... I PROMISE you she'll grow out of it if you don't blow it up. Mark my words.

NO ONE IS A BORN LIAR. THE MINUTE A LABEL IS BORN THAT'S WHEN THE LIAR, THIEF, TROUBLE MAKER - You fill in the blank - is born!!!!

Lots of Hatzlucha and wishing you clarity in chinuch and all your areas in life.

Written with love.
A fellow mother
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Sun, Dec 31 2017, 8:27 am
Op here. Plum amother I like ur idea! U r also calming me down that its ok and normal. I just want to clarify: I NEVER call her a liar!!! EVER!!! I only used this term here cuz I wanted some advice. She is a child that grows up with the most love and attention we can lossibly give her. I am almost NEVER on the phone when she is home. We shmooze. We have a fun and loving relationship! I do joke with her somtimes when she makes up a story and its a obvious "bubba maisa". I make her laugh about it! The only time it frustrates me is ; when she tells me stuff that someone did to her and its not true. Cuz I dont tolerate bullying and I go to the other end of the world to protect my children. I always take care of whatever hurts her.bur if she doesnt tel me the truth then it gets sticky when I confront someone else about the situation... thats when I usually get upset at her. Thats when I tel her that I cant trust her and properly protect her if I dont know the real truth. Do u understand what I am saying?
I don know that its normal for her age to be in fantasy land. And I am not tough on her at all!! But I cant have her telling me half the truth when she is bullied cuz I cant take car of it...
And amother ivory, it seems like u had a tough life and hugs to u!! But thank god thats not the case for my child. She doesnt have anyone I compare her to. She is the oldest and my darling girly!! My next child is way younger then her. And I as a person never lie to them. I am very into keeping my promises etc. So no, thats not the case here at all. But thnks for sharing ur experience...and hugs to u again
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Sun, Dec 31 2017, 8:40 am
Thanks OP for taking my lecture as it is and not being offended. That being said, I should question more before I preach. There's a YIDDISH saying "if you get burnt from hot water you run from cold water!" Thanks for the validation, it helps cause I Still do hurt sometimes...

You sound like a great mom and I'm so glad to hear your darling daughter is not suffering and is in a healthy, positive environment. The biggest gift to a child is to LET THEM BE, obviously there are exceptions.

Hey, I'm preaching again and will stop right here! I hope all mothers are as sensitive and understanding as you!

Have a wonderful day and enjoy your sweety-pie. It's Sunday = Funday LOL
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amother
Coral


 

Post Sun, Dec 31 2017, 8:50 am
Amother ivory thats so painful. I can totally empathize with one little difference. I had an amazing memory (still do bh). So every time I would remember a story or little details o would be accused of lying and "having an overactive imagination". It was so frustrating because it was all true. At 35, im still not truly believed in my family and I have a hard time listening to my gut and believing myself and my own experiences.

Op this sounds different though. What I do is try to ask my kids if this is st they wish had happened or are scared will happen or really happen. Also theres the story of the boy who cried wolf. Hatzlocha
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Sun, Dec 31 2017, 8:56 am
I also have a 7 year old daughter and been wondering what I should do when she tells me she's being mean to her sister because her sister pooped in her face! She'll tell me exactly when it happened and how my dh told her he would help her clean up her face and he doesn't remember because he just has a bad memory and she'll stick to this story for a loooong time. Only when she's completely calm will she admit that she totally made it up!

In general she doesn't "make up stories" like if she says something happened in school it probably did but this one area...
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Sun, Dec 31 2017, 9:04 am
It sounds so sad! U ppl really suffered and r still suffering as a result Sad
It makes me just wanna let my child b as she is and just hope she will outgrow it on her own... it's so scary how u can harm innocent children so fast! Speaking of that I can empathize somewhat. My parents used to tell me whenever a tooth fell out that an angel will come and exchange it for money in middle of the night. I was a young girl and was happy to believe it. I went to school and shared it with my friends all excitedly. They all made fun of me and told me that y family r a bunch of liars and we all make up stories. They went around the whole school poking fun of me!! I still shudder when I think of it. Since then whenever they didn't like what I told them they we'd say we anyways can't believe u cuz in ur family angels come into exchange teeth for money. I knew they were only jealous cuz I came from a very loving and close family but it still hurt. my father just loved to tell us such king of fantasy stories. He never lied though!
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amother
Plum


 

Post Sun, Dec 31 2017, 9:34 am
Op I had SAME thing! My 7yr old is a sharp one and knows how upset we get when he's mistreated(he has areas he struggles in so he's my 'worry') one day he ttly lied and told me something which never happened!. I started calling the teacher and principal in a huff till I found out it wasn't even true!!! I was pretty mortified. But I learned from that that he was playing on my emotions. He figured out that I get anxious w bullying etc so he pretended something happened to get a reaction. I told him I heard it wasn't true and he shouldn't do that. And from then on am careful not to show so much emotion about these things in front of my kids.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 31 2017, 1:24 pm
Soooo normal at that age! My DD was a master at story telling. Her teachers told me that she had a bright future in writing Yound Adult fiction! LOL

I took in everything with a straight face. If it was something to be concerned about, I would tell DD that I am going to call and check it out. Then she had to actually watch me follow through and check into her story.

I always called her fabrications "stories", and would ask her "Is this a story, or did this really happen? What will Mrs. X say if I call her and ask?" DD would almost always back down and tell the truth after that, because she knew I would find out anyway.

As she got older we talked about lies. The rule was "If you do something bad, and you tell the truth, I will be a tiny bit mad. If you lie about it, I will be VERY BIG mad!" If she does something wrong and tells me the truth, my immediate response is to thank her for telling the truth, and how very brave she was to do that. Then a small and reasonable consequence for whatever she did. If she lies and I find out, she gets a lecture and gets grounded.
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Sun, Dec 31 2017, 10:24 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
Soooo normal at that age! My DD was a master at story telling. Her teachers told me that she had a bright future in writing Yound Adult fiction! LOL

I took in everything with a straight face. If it was something to be concerned about, I would tell DD that I am going to call and check it out. Then she had to actually watch me follow through and check into her story.

I always called her fabrications "stories", and would ask her "Is this a story, or did this really happen? What will Mrs. X say if I call her and ask?" DD would almost always back down and tell the truth after that, because she knew I would find out anyway.

As she got older we talked about lies. The rule was "If you do something bad, and you tell the truth, I will be a tiny bit mad. If you lie about it, I will be VERY BIG mad!" If she does something wrong and tells me the truth, my immediate response is to thank her for telling the truth, and how very brave she was to do that. Then a small and reasonable consequence for whatever she did. If she lies and I find out, she gets a lecture and gets grounded.

Wink
lol I'm glad to hear it is common!!
Op here.
Thank you for sharing. it makes me feel better and gives me hope. Wink
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simba




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 31 2017, 10:32 pm
Totally common, made me very nervous when my son did it so I called a long time first grade teacher that I know and he assured me it's normal and actually a sign of a smart kid!

At 4-5 it can be left alone but at this age you just need to show the most that you are aware that it is not true. Not in an accusatory fashion. Wether you want to teach them fantasy vs reality or turn it into a joke. My son has the title of "master storyteller" and we often end up deciding that s story he just told mommy belongs in his book! Or sometimes I just ask a funny question. Like a clearly false accusation on his brother and I will ask him if the chickens also saw what happened, we will laugh together and move on.

I never play the emes vs Sheker card or use the word lie.

Much luck to you
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 31 2017, 11:02 pm
I play with my kids a game 2 truths and a lie. We each have to share 2 true things about our day and one untruth. we try to guess which is the untruth and try to explain why we feel that way. I like using this as a way to catch up on our days but also to teach my kids how to, diffrenciate (sp?) between the truth and lies.
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Sun, Dec 31 2017, 11:08 pm
Op here
Keym, I like the idea of that game. I think I will start playing it too... it's a good way of giving her a chance to use her imagination and have me maybe "believe" it for a few minutes Smile
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