When people tell you one thing but they mean something else.

crust

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 9:27 pm

For instance;
Relative meets me after a long while;

Cruhuhust!! Long time no seeee!! I almost didn't recognize you!!

(She wants to say; It hasn't been such a long time since I last saw you. How'd you put up so much weight in such a short while?)

I have a freind that used to live in Isreal. She tells me that the reason she loves her visits there is because the people say what they mean and mean what they say.

In New York the compliments she gets are;
Liba!! You look soooooo goooooooood ts ts.
(You liar! Dont you see I am platzing out of my outfit?)

In Isreal, the minute she arrives, without further ado, her freinds tell her one by one;
Liba!!! You are so fat!! Why did you gain so much weight? You looked much better when you were skinny!

Jewishfoodie

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 9:34 pm

Awesome thread!

And a friend just saw me and said
"I love that dress! When I saw it was 50% off at Macy's, I was like, should I? Shouldn't I?"

Complisult much?

For the uninitiated, a complisult is exactly what it sounds like; an insult wrapped in a compliment.

I hate them.and the people who give them are narcissistic passive aggressives exclusively.

Start paying attention and you'll see what I mean.

"When did you start wearing your wig like this? It's so much better for your shape face!"

Huh? You're the "face police" now? Were you elected to this post or did you inherit it from a nasty uncle?

shoshanim999

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 9:35 pm

But isn't it better when people politely lie? Should I greet my friend I haven't seen in awhile and tell her she's really aged in the past few years? That her sheital looks like it's seen better days, and her breath smells? Don't you prefer it that it is customary to at least give a simple compliment and warm hello?

crust

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 9:38 pm

Jewishfoodie wrote:

You are too funny! I'm laughing so hard from that uncle's inheritance!!

Jewishfoodie

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 9:39 pm

And it's so true about how honest Israelis are. You ask, they answer. No PC answers from them. When they're done talking to you on the phone, they HANG UP! they don't say shtus like,
".... So anyway.. Oh! There goes that beep! It's my gyno's office.. Gotta get that.." or, "oops, the bell's ringing.. I'll definitely call you back after I deal with that life altering situation.."

Just say
"take care!"

Or do what the Israelis have been doing for years. Hang up!

Last edited by Jewishfoodie on Tue, Jan 02 2018, 9:40 pm; edited 1 time in total

momof2+?

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 9:40 pm

Agree with shoshanim999. Don’t lie excessively, but try to always be sensitive and polite. Not bordering on insulting.

Last edited by momof2+? on Tue, Jan 02 2018, 9:43 pm; edited 1 time in total

crust

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 9:42 pm

shoshanim999 wrote:

Warm hello is yum. Not a problem at all.

Simple compliment? Whats that? You look sooo good? (I happen to hate your taste)

You aalwaays smile!! (Despite your troubles that everyone knows about)

I have a friend who's child was born with missing fingers on the hand lo aleinu.
People knew about it but didn't know how to react. She had no issue if people would tell her; I'm sorry I heard about your baby.

Instead, people could come over to the carriage- look- look again and say- her hands are cute.

Last edited by crust on Tue, Jan 02 2018, 9:46 pm; edited 1 time in total

Jewishfoodie

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 9:45 pm

shoshanim999 wrote:

Only when ASKED.
Did she actually say to u, "how's the state of my sheital? How old do I look? And" can you tell that I ate a garlic and olive falafel "?
No, she didn't.
She met you. You didn't see her in a while. She aged. Her sheital is awful and she smells like death warmed over.
And here's what you say:

" OMG! I haven't seen you in ages! I really missed having you around! We've got to catch up! " and keep a smile glowing.

Please find fault with that. Anyone.

OutATowner

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 9:50 pm

I just did this rashi tonight with dd. Oarshas Vayeshev, it says the brothers didn't make shalom with Yosef with their words (I think) but the point is Rashi says it's commendable they didn't say one thing and mean another thing in their heart, they chose not to say anything instead.

crust

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 9:53 pm

Jewishfoodie wrote:

Did you really miss her? If you did then by all means- say it. If you didn't then don't.

(Also in order to avoid the discomfort of missing her, you can try calling her once in a while....lol)

Jewishfoodie

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 9:56 pm

crust wrote:

I have a friend who's child was born with missing fingers on the hand lo aleinu.
People knew about it but didn't know how to react. She had no issue if people would tell her; I'm sorry I heard about your baby.

Instead, people could come over to the carriage- look- look again and say- her hands are cute.

Thats horrid.

Jewishfoodie

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 10:04 pm

Here's when it's permissible to "white lie".

When you come across a human being that has been so crushed by life, they actually insult themselves. I am not talking about a self-deprecating sense of humor. That's an art form. I'm talking about people, and you know who they are, who say things like,

"I gained so much weight since the baby. And I broke out terribly. I'm embarrassed to pass a mirror."
This requires more tact. And more brains.

An appropriate response would be:
"You really are blowing things out of proportion.. You look like everyone else. Tell me about your adorable baby"

Not

"You look terrific! Even better than the last time I saw you!" Cuz that's a lie AND a complisult. And the person is no idiot.

Okay. Off my soap box. Just that complisults are my Achilles heal; I abhor them!

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 10:07 pm

shoshanim999 wrote:

You cannot find anything honestly positive about this person? Every single bingle dingle person has something positive, so when you see the negative this should be a reminder that there is a flip side to the coin. FIND IT!!! And flat out say it. No lies.

Jewishfoodie

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 10:10 pm

crust wrote:

Did you really miss her? If you did then by all means- say it. If you didn't then don't.

(Also in order to avoid the discomfort of missing her, you can try calling her once in a while....lol)

Tru dat. But it was a theoretical friend so I theoretically missed her.. And theoretically had no way to get her number because she moved without telling me!

shoshanim999

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 10:18 pm

tf wrote:

What are you talking about? Very often compliments are given when a person is putting themselves "out there" for others to appreciate. If I'm wearing a new outfit, it feels good to receive compliments. If I host guests for shabbos and serve lots of food, it feels good for the guests to compliment my cooking. Should they say they like my family picture hanging on the wall? If my daughter shows up to school with a new haircut, should her friends tell her......um, your shoes look great? People expect compliments for there work and effort. I have a feeling you do as well.

Jewishfoodie

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 10:19 pm

tf wrote:

Spot on, TF. Everyone has admirable qualities or positive attributes. If you can't find any, the problem is you, not them.

crust

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 10:30 pm

Jewishfoodie wrote:

Thats horrid.

It is. But my freind understood it. She said people were shocked, didn't know how to explain thier stare so they blurted something silly out in order to cover up thier original emotion which would've been the best reaction.

BUT. Had we not lived in a white lie society, people would've rather said something raw like; ouch! It's so painful to see this! Or something like this.

Jewishfoodie

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 10:35 pm

shoshanim999 wrote:

You've got to take the good with the bad. If you're "putting yourself out there" be ready for different people to have different opinions. Not everyone has to love your new wig. You have to love it. And if you love it, why do you give a care about what others think. And if Ur dressing for THEM, then buy what they like in the first place! Forget yourself altogether.

amother

Pink

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 10:37 pm

And this is why when I meet you I say, ''I am so happy to see you again!''
I make no reference to clothes or looks or any of that stuff. I'm truly happy to see you. It's like I have a laser beam of joy that cuts right through your make up or clothes and I'm happy to see plain ole you.