Guilty feelings about past bad behavior towards kids

amother

Babyblue

Mon, Jan 22 2018, 4:28 am

I used to lose my temper a lot. Yell at my kids. Shout things like "I hate you all", "I wish I would die", when I had a lot of little kids, and things would get very hectic.
I would be especially harsh to my oldest, as he was very difficult as little boy. I sometimes hit him, but not often.
Nothing was every that out of hand, I just had a bad temper.
I worked on it a lot, with amazing support from my DH, and my kids got older, and things got calmer.
Now my youngest is 8.
Do you think my teenage kids remember that behavior? Do you think it effected them?
It doesn't seem to.
It's just me feeling guilty.

Do you think I should apologize to them? Bring it up at all? Ask them if they remember?
One part of me thinks that would close the circle, and I'd feel better. I would say to my oldest DS (now 20!), "I used to be very mean to you, I really wish I wouldn't have been like that, but I was unexperienced and overwhelmed."

One part of me thinks, forget it - he would look at me and think I've fallen from the moon.
But I'd continue feeling guilty.

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Jan 22 2018, 4:49 am

Consider which needs of yours you were attempting to meet when you did each of those actions. For example, yelling at a child, ''I hate you all!'' Could there have been a need for more ease in your life? A need for more support? A need for more help around the house? A need for quiet time at the time? Or let's play with, ''I wish I would die'': That statement to me sounds like an overwhelmed mother. So could there have been a need for support? A need for rest? A need for understanding? A need for a listening ear?
When you hit your child, could there have been a need for order? A need for cleanliness? A need for ease? A need for respect?
When you can feel that need in your bones, you can begin to have compassion for the you who was simply attempting to meet needs. And maybe some compassion for the situation you didn't voluntarily choose, but the system you were raised in automatically put you into it. Being a mother of one or two children is tough enough, being a mother to many children can stretch and tax the nerves of any up-to-then sane person.
Maybe replace the guilt with a sadness, sadness that you were involuntarily put into a situation without the requisite coping skills.
My personal reflections have led me to realize that reactivity toward children are unconscious reactions to parents. It's a difficult concept to grasp. Usually, the anger about our needs that were not met by our parents, is unconsciously projected onto our chidren and when we get angry at our children it's a disguised anger about needs unmet by parents. It's complicated. Cut yourself some slack. Many of us have had imperfect parents and it's normal for that to then show up in short temperedness with our children. We do the best with what we've got.
With regard to approaching your adult children about this: I would contemplate the needs I am trying to meet by talking to my grown children about this.
If you decide to do it, it's best if not done out of guilt but out of genuine curiosity, ''I remember being very short tempered when you were younger. I sometimes wonder how that was for you and how it impacted you.''
And be open to hearing his truth, without defending yourself. Please don't ever defend your actions to your adult children. It's not their job to hear your defense. If you feel guilty about being a less-than-stellar parent, now's another opportunity to do so: not by defending your past behavior, but by having an interest in how they've been impacted.
It is possible to transform guilt. I have eliminated most of my guilt by doing a needs-based inquiry.
Best of luck to you. Being a mama is not an easy task. Cheers that you have survived. Cheers that you haven't killed yourself in the process :-)

Aylat

Mon, Jan 22 2018, 5:18 am

"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better." Maya Angelou

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Jan 22 2018, 6:48 am

Just because they were little, doesn't mean it didn't affect them. One of my parents apologized years later and I respect that they did this.

MitzadSheini

Mon, Jan 22 2018, 7:33 am

Don't apologize just to ease your guilt. There are other ways to deal with that.

But do apologize if it will help them.

Just my humble opinion.

amother

Ruby

Mon, Jan 22 2018, 10:01 am

I wish my parent would apolgize. it's the one thing I feel would help mend our relationship.

Mon, Jan 22 2018, 11:09 am

I'm sure they remember. This is what they grew up with so this is what they know from their youth. Try to think back to when you grew up. What do you remember? Telling kids what you told them leaves a scar that they have to deal with for life. So apologizing won't hurt. But don't think that it'll all of a sudden vanish from existence. The pain is there and they have to deal with it for their entire lives. I believe, though, that the relationship between you will get better if you mean it wholeheartedly. Ask them to help you in the process.

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Jan 23 2018, 3:16 am

tf wrote:

I think you are making it worse than it was. Or maybe my OP made it sound worse than it was. They were not living in constant abuse.
But I take what you are saying. Thank you.

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Jan 23 2018, 3:17 am

MitzadSheini wrote:

Don't apologize just to ease your guilt. There are other ways to deal with that.

But do apologize if it will help them.

Just my humble opinion.

Maybe this is true, however, in order to do complete teshuva for aveirot against our fellow man, we must apologize no? That's hilchot teshuva. No reason given - could be that it is in order to ease guilt. And to let the person know we're sorry. I don't know but that is part of the halachic process.

top mom

Tue, Jan 23 2018, 3:40 am

amother wrote:

I think you are making it worse than it was. Or maybe my OP made it sound worse than it was. They were not living in constant abuse.
But I take what you are saying. Thank you.

Even if you didn't lose control of yourself constantly, by yelling, they remember, they might have other nice, peaceful memories of their childhood, but they definitely remember hearing these words from you.
They might look like healthy happy teenagers now, and they might be, but maybe it did affect them and the consequences will only be noticeable later on.
Good for you for trying to find the best way to deal with it, I'm happy for your kids that their mom is willing to be vulnerable and honest with them.

oliveoil

Tue, Jan 23 2018, 3:41 am

amother wrote:

I think you are making it worse than it was. Or maybe my OP made it sound worse than it was. They were not living in constant abuse.
But I take what you are saying. Thank you.

"I hate you" and "I wish I would die" are pretty extreme things to yell at a child.

amother

Aqua

Tue, Jan 23 2018, 10:02 am

of course you should apologize and bring it up. dont beat yourself up about it. we all get stressed out- perhaps you needed help with better coping skills for anxiety that you did not know how to get ie therapy or meditation etc. but dont feel bad they sound like they are being raised in an overall happy and healthy family. definitely bring it up and explain you didnt mean any of it it was just too much stress at the time.

amother

Cobalt

Tue, Jan 23 2018, 10:11 am

amother wrote:

I think you are making it worse than it was. Or maybe my OP made it sound worse than it was. They were not living in constant abuse.
But I take what you are saying. Thank you.

My mother was abusive (bpd) and even she never said such statements as "I hate you all."
That's very damaging for a child to hear. I definitely think an apology is in order.

amother

Pumpkin

Tue, Jan 23 2018, 11:19 am

I will never, ever get over my parents telling me they hated me. Ever.

das

Tue, Jan 23 2018, 1:51 pm

They definitely remember it.

I think you need to apologize and offer your children to go with you to family therapy if they need a safe space to discuss it with you.

Ellie7

Tue, Jan 23 2018, 2:00 pm

I think the fact that you changed is the real apology.

Jewishfoodie

Tue, Jan 23 2018, 2:15 pm

amother wrote:

I will never, ever get over my parents telling me they hated me. Ever.

Hugs! That is making me cry. I am so so sure it's not possible for a parent to mean that! But I'm soo sorry you heard it, nevertheless. If they did mean it, my heart is broken. You deserve so much more.
OP, "I'm sorry" is truly a reflection of how you feel. I don't see any damage coming from a warm conversation and an honest apology. On the contrary, I see your children crying with relief. And you personally will feel so much better when you see how much your apology meant to them. It takes courage, but you can do it. Actually, please do it. So posters like this amother don't bottle up those feelings 'til they're toxic to the emotional well being of a child.

Last edited by Jewishfoodie on Tue, Jan 23 2018, 10:07 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Burlywood

Tue, Jan 23 2018, 10:05 pm

Wow. And here I am feeling guilty about yelling at my husband "can you get him a drink please!"
Meaning OP those things you said are very damaging. Please do bring it up. Say "I have been thinking about my parenting when you were young. Looking back I realized I made a lot of mistakes. I wish there was a way I could take back some of the things I said or did. I'm so sorry.

Funny that you say your oldest was a 'hard kid.' My mother says the same about my brother ' he was one of those kids who needed a good smack.' Sad

I think he was a regular but rather it was she who did not have the tools to parent him.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Jan 23 2018, 10:19 pm

What if my child certainly doesn't remember and bringing it up would just cause pain????
I never ever would hit in the past, and now for sure not. But when my oldest was about 3 or 4 I hit her hard for something so stupid I could kick myself. I haven't forgiven myself yet and sometimes cry on and on and wish I can take it back. I went for parenting classes and have never hit my kid since.
I'm very open with my kids and I know my daughter doesn't remember the hitting episode. It was maybe twice in her life until age 3-4. She's 14.
I cry myself to sleep at night, thinking of how I could have done that. I'm not sure how to heal from it. I don't think I should apologize for it if she doesn't even remember, but maybe I should? I don't know.

Zehava

Tue, Jan 23 2018, 10:36 pm

I think the things you yelled at your kids were way worse than the hitting. If I do ever feel like I have to yell at my kids I yell at the action not the child. Ex: stop banging holes into the wall!!
Instead of you’re such a bad boy!!!