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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Toddlers
Feel so so so bad I hit my son
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amother
Oak


 

Post Thu, Jan 25 2018, 12:23 pm
We were trying to get out this morning and in a huge rush. I put on his shoes and he on purpose took it off to annoy me. So I got upset and hit him. I've been working so hard not to hit and keep calm but I lost it Sad I told him in the car it makes me so sad when you don't listen to mommy and we will be late.....
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imamother153




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 25 2018, 1:21 pm
We all make mistakes sometimes but as long as we make a firm commitment not to repeat them we shouldn't feel forever guilty about it.
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allthingsblue




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 25 2018, 1:23 pm
Instead of what you did say, it would have been better if you said "I'm sorry I hit you. I should have used my words, not my hands, even though I was very upset. I love you."
Hugs. Let this be a teaching moment for you, so that you'll be able to remember your feelings of regret and avoid losing it in the future.
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das




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 25 2018, 4:36 pm
It's good you feel bad because that is an appropriate reaction. You hit your son out of anger and that is not okay. Ever. And your child is two, a baby. An adult hitting a baby is a bully.


It's good that you are working on yourself but if it isn't working maybe you should take anger management classes.
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WhatFor




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 25 2018, 5:05 pm
Please seek professional help asap from someone licensed, if you aren't already. In addition to addressing your anger issues, you should also work on developing parenting skills.

Since everyone is probably going to address the obvious, I'll add this: it's generally unhealthy to teach children that they are responsible for a parent's feelings. Meaning, imo, it's not healthy for a child to regularly teach them that they shouldn't do xyz because you'll feel bad. You're probably really trying to get them to do or not do something for their own good. Tell them that.

Otherwise they can develop an unhealthy child-parent dynamic. Additionally, they see you blaming others for your feelings and reactions which is poor modeling - they can grow up blaming others for their own actions as well.

But the main thing here is, please see a professional asap. For your own sake and your baby's.
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amother
Oak


 

Post Thu, Jan 25 2018, 5:13 pm
das wrote:
It's good you feel bad because that is an appropriate reaction. You hit your son out of anger and that is not okay. Ever. And your child is two, a baby. An adult hitting a baby is a bully.


It's good that you are working on yourself but if it isn't working maybe you should take anger management classes.


Where did I say he is 2? He's 4.5
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Mommyg8




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 25 2018, 5:21 pm
das wrote:
It's good you feel bad because that is an appropriate reaction. You hit your son out of anger and that is not okay. Ever. And your child is two, a baby. An adult hitting a baby is a bully.


It's good that you are working on yourself but if it isn't working maybe you should take anger management classes.


This and the next post are both very extreme. I'm sorry, but it's not a federal crime (yet) to hit your child. If it's once in a very blue moon, your kid will be 100% ok, I promise.

To the op: someone recently gave me very good advice (on a different topic). She did something that she realized afterwards was very wrong. Her husband told her to do something positive in the other direction...to rectify what she did.

So my advice is to be extra loving (I know this advice is a little late), give him an extra hug, an extra story, etc.

Don't worry, you'll both be ok. You don't need counseling.
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amother
Seagreen


 

Post Thu, Jan 25 2018, 6:01 pm
amother wrote:
We were trying to get out this morning and in a huge rush. I put on his shoes and he on purpose took it off to annoy me. So I got upset and hit him. I've been working so hard not to hit and keep calm but I lost it Sad I told him in the car it makes me so sad when you don't listen to mommy and we will be late.....

A few thoughts:

1. Why do you feel bad? Just trying to understand. It isn't clear from your post.

2. Do you expect your child to always behave in ways that please you?

3. Do you expect your child to excuse your behavior when you hit him?

4. Why should he excuse your hitting when you're not excusing his shoe removal?

Don't have to respond to the questions I presented. Just some food for thought from one mommy to another.

And before I go, here are some hugs because I am guessing that being a mommy with hitting tendencies has got to be quite an unsettling, helpless, and at times despairing, experience Hug


Last edited by amother on Thu, Jan 25 2018, 11:55 pm; edited 2 times in total
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 25 2018, 6:01 pm
If op hit her kid once and feels bad I don't think it's that extreme that she needs help asap! She is only human and it happens to the best of us. When that happens you can apologize to your son and tell him you feel bad that it happened.
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WhatFor




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 25 2018, 7:46 pm
Mommyg8 wrote:
This and the next post are both very extreme. I'm sorry, but it's not a federal crime (yet) to hit your child. If it's once in a very blue moon, your kid will be 100% ok, I promise.

To the op: someone recently gave me very good advice (on a different topic). She did something that she realized afterwards was very wrong. Her husband told her to do something positive in the other direction...to rectify what she did.

So my advice is to be extra loving (I know this advice is a little late), give him an extra hug, an extra story, etc.

Don't worry, you'll both be ok. You don't need counseling.


My response was based on the fact that OP said she has been working very hard on not hitting, but she lost it, and hit her child when she lost it.

The fact that she has already been working on this so hard (as she says in her OP) means that this isn't an isolated incident. And she's trying, but she is clearly not successful on her own. She posted on here presumably because she wants help with this.

Telling her she doesn't need counseling is not helping her or her child. If she was able to manage this on her own, there wouldn't have been a post. She needs a long term solution. An extra hug isn't a long term solution for OP's parenting struggle.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Thu, Jan 25 2018, 7:49 pm
Omg! Help asap from a professional?? OP sounds like a great mom and very normal! She was in a rush to leave the house and her son was being chutzpadik and making everyone’s late! Sorry but It’s not always a crime to hit a kid. Never on the face but I’m behind is ok. It’s not abuse. Don’t hit your kid if your having a stressful day and he did nothing and he’s being your punching bag... that would be abuse. But what OP did sounded very normal. I hit my kids occasionally... none of them are messed up, abused, or any other label you may find. Today’s generation is very spoiled and parents are actually scared to raise a finger to the kid! But kids walk all over parents. Chutzpa is not tolerated in any way and you knock it out when they are young. And if you never hit and you hit him one time he will take it seriously. If you hit often the kid will know it’s a joke. OP- you don’t need any professional help, your being a normal parent raising kids in the unfortunate 2018 spoiled generation.
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Thu, Jan 25 2018, 7:53 pm
Great parenting book that will help you change your approach to one that does not require hitting. It also gives room for messing up some times

http://a.co/7JNXvn6
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das




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 25 2018, 8:10 pm
I thought you said he was 2 My mistake. In any event, violence is never okay. I dont think hitting your child is any more acceptable than hitting your neighbor friend spouse or a stranger.
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Thu, Jan 25 2018, 9:14 pm
Guess what I hit my 3.5 year old on his hand last week for the same reason. Otherwise he would miss his bus. He has to know when it's serious business. He lets me dress him nicely since then and he is not traumatized at all. Op, you are a normal parent.
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 25 2018, 9:24 pm
amother wrote:
Guess what I hit my 3.5 year old on his hand last week for the same reason. Otherwise he would miss his bus. He has to know when it's serious business. He lets me dress him nicely since then and he is not traumatized at all. Op, you are a normal parent.


Disclaimee: I am not anti all potching. I have potched for serious business. But for me serious business is running into streets, touching stoves, touching outlets. Those types of things. Making a bus is not potch worthy serious business.
I am not perfect. I have potched out of frustration or anger. But I always apologize. I tell my kids I was wrong for misusing my hands. And I take a time out. Toilet break is perfect to cool off.
And then I read some parenting books to help learn some better parenting techniques.
How to talk so kids will listen is my personal favorite.
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Thu, Jan 25 2018, 9:39 pm
keym wrote:
Disclaimee: I am not anti all potching. I have potched for serious business. But for me serious business is running into streets, touching stoves, touching outlets. Those types of things. Making a bus is not potch worthy serious business.
I am not perfect. I have potched out of frustration or anger. But I always apologize. I tell my kids I was wrong for misusing my hands. And I take a time out. Toilet break is perfect to cool off.
And then I read some parenting books to help learn some better parenting techniques.
How to talk so kids will listen is my personal favorite.

For me missing the bus is serious. He stays home from school if he does. He thought he is playing a game. I had less than 30 seconds to discipline him. Any other form of discipline would take too long.
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allthingsblue




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 25 2018, 9:41 pm
amother wrote:
For me missing the bus is serious. He stays home from school if he does. He thought he is playing a game. I had less than 30 seconds to discipline him. Any other form of discipline would take too long.


Serious= life threatening, dangerous
Serious does not = inconvenience
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 25 2018, 9:43 pm
allthingsblue wrote:
Serious= life threatening, dangerous
Serious does not = inconvenience

Applause Applause Yup.
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notshanarishona




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 25 2018, 9:50 pm
Normal toddler behavior is not to be aware of time. As frustrating as it is, it is totally developmentally appropriate for a toddler to get sidetracked while doing something or take their shoes off if they wanted to put them on or wanted them a certain way.
Hitting for such minor things I would be afraid to hear how you discipline for big things I.e. danger.
No reason why missing a school bus means no school, even if you don't drive you can uber him back and forth.
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Thu, Jan 25 2018, 10:03 pm
notshanarishona wrote:
Normal toddler behavior is not to be aware of time. As frustrating as it is, it is totally developmentally appropriate for a toddler to get sidetracked while doing something or take their shoes off if they wanted to put them on or wanted them a certain way.
Hitting for such minor things I would be afraid to hear how you discipline for big things I.e. danger.
No reason why missing a school bus means no school, even if you don't drive you can uber him back and forth.

He didn't get sidetracked. He did it on purpose. And it is a very developmentally appropriate punishment to get a little porch on the hand. Its not every day. This potch helps me for every day now. He just didn't get it otherwise. I don't think an occasional potch is so harmful, especially for a boy.
I never needed to potch my kid for running in the street. I just made sure to hold onto them really tight until they were old enough to understand.
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