Feel so so so bad I hit my son

amother

Cerise

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 5:58 am

Children don't do these kind of things to annoy their parents. They do them for attention.

He was trying to tell you something. Maybe he was feeling ignored. Maybe he can't handle being rushed.
(My 9 year old cannot be rushed, and falls apart when I remind him every 2 minutes to get dressed. Until he learns to handle this, I get up 30 minutes earlier and have a slower more relaxed morning because of this. We're both happy now)

FOCUS ON HIS FEELINGS, NOT HIS ACTIONS

My 2 year old comes and slaps me in the face when she is upset. I will ignore the slap and hold her hand, give her a hug. We talk and have a chat about what she is doing, on what she is upset about - often it is because I'm working and she needs some time with me, or she is tired and needs some physical affection. I will mention the slap LATER, reminding her she is not allowed to slap anyone - not that she doesn't know!

The time of the action is not the time to punish. There is no learning in this emotional moment.

Hope this helps.

amother

Tangerine

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 9:36 am

keym wrote:

I have simple question. What will you do when you potch and your kid laughs and runs away still? Potch again?
And what will you do when your child potches someone, you sibling friend. And when you say "we dont potch" your kid responds "well you do."

It’s funny this brings back some memories.. When my mother would potch my brother he would laugh and so she would spank him harder, now for the chutzpah of laughing..
But he wasn’t a toddler then, was probably more like 8-10 yo, so maybe a little more warranted.
I would not do that but was a different generation..

amother

Dodgerblue

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 9:37 am

keym wrote:

Lol, that's a good question. I taught them that only a parent is allowed to potch. Kids aren't not allowed to potch.
Same thing when child yells at parent.
"Mommy you are not listening to me!" As in she told me what to do...I teach them, "kids need to listen to parents, but parents don't need to listen to kids." In a very matter of fact way.
I'm usually not a strict parent at all. My kids get away with a lot. My 3.5 year old knows exactly which cute face to make while I'm yelling at him to make me start laughing in middle of being upset at him. He does it all the time.
I never get upset if they are chutzpadig to me, I find it cute, but I do tell them that it's not derech eretz, and move right on, just so they should grow up knowing what is not derech eretz.
I guess I don't discipline my kids much, and I'm not the type of parent that talks the strict teacher way...I'm very easy going about most things. My most used method is bribing. If that doesn't work then...maybe a punishment or a potch.
I had that type of scenario this morning. Daughter refused to get dressed. I gave up on her getting dressed today. She missed her bus. Then she cried that she missed her bus. (Maybe that's a good lesson for her)
I told the school she is not coming to school because she refused to get dressed. School promised to speak to me about it next week and tell me how to deal with it. They said she has similar behavior in school.... (Hugging didn't help btw)
Maybe talking to a professional will? Like a poster suggested.

Mommyg8

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 9:37 am

I'm finding the responses here very interesting. IRL, everyone around me is like "never, never potch, it is literally the worst thing in the world Sad

".

I do believe in an occasional, very light potch. For some kids. And I never had the issue that my kid gets mixed up - "oh, why can't I potch my friend, you just potched me?" They understand that you're the Mommy (or your husband's the Totty), and the rules are different.

In the olden days people used to potch all the time, for any little thing. The world has moved away from this mode of parenting, and to some extent this has been a good thing (it was far too easy to abuse and traumatize children in the good old days). But I still think that a small potch every now and then is ok and not traumatizing. And yes, I understand that this is not real chinuch, and doesn't help for the long term, but life is sometimes lived in the short term as well. We sometimes need something quick and easy to get our point across (at least I do). Yes, ideally we should use all the parenting tricks in our toolbox, but we're human, and life can be hectic, and there just isn't always time.

I don't think that running into the street is the only reason to potch, I potch for chutzpah and not listening as well.

amother

Ecru

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 11:44 am

Mommyg8 wrote:

I'm finding the responses here very interesting. IRL, everyone around me is like "never, never potch, it is literally the worst thing in the world Sad

I used to think I was great at all these parenting techniques and staying calm and all that but I have a son that none of that works for him. He just smiles and goes on doing whatever he wants. (anon for my sons sake) He gets plenty of hugs and kisses and knows that I love him and I always try other discipline methods first but sometimes he needs just a little potch to get him to take something seriously. No, he isn't afraid of getting a potch. It just shows him this is serious. He knows that if he ignores the potch I'll physically pick him up and dress him/put him in the bath/put him in the bed. That's what he really hates.

Stars

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 12:21 pm

amother wrote:

I'm sorry, I couldn't get past this line. Yes, yes you do need to listen to your kids. Not necessarily follow their instructions, but listen to *why* they are saying what they are saying.
Goodness. Maybe this is why they are acting out. They don't feel like anyone's listening to their needs.

amother

Aqua

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 12:23 pm

amother wrote:

So why don’t you just pick him up in the first place?

amother

Aqua

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 12:26 pm

Mommyg8 wrote:

I'm finding the responses here very interesting. IRL, everyone around me is like "never, never potch, it is literally the worst thing in the world Sad

People have largely stopped hitting kids because there is a lot evidence that it is damaging for them. Google it.

amother

Yellow

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 12:56 pm

amother wrote:

We were trying to get out this morning and in a huge rush. I put on his shoes and he on purpose took it off to annoy me. So I got upset and hit him. I've been working so hard not to hit and keep calm but I lost it Sad

I told him in the car it makes me so sad when you don't listen to mommy and we will be late.....

Can I reframe the op?

I put on his shoes, and his brain is not developed enough to always make good choices. At that moment, he needed reassurance that he is safe in our relationship, so he took his shoes off. He probably just needed me to get below eye-level, look at him with warm loving eyes, and really tune into what is going on with him.

I was rushing, and this last minute stall was too much for my brain to handle, so I responded in "fight" mode, and hit him. I then went on to lecture him about my feelings, forgetting to validate his experiences and provide an emotionally safe environment for him.

It's so hard to be a mom, and always be thinking about the emotional safety of my children. Sometimes, I want to yell and scream and even hit them, instead of priming their brain for teaching, by bringing them into their "upstairs" brain.

It's okay to mess up sometimes, as long as we are focused on the end goal, and apologize when we mess up.

Parenting in this way teaches children empathy and reasoning. They will follow the rules even when they are not around us, but sometimes it's just so hard, especially when we were not raised this way.

WhatFor

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 12:57 pm

amother wrote:

Age old debate but the evidence is largely for hard and abusive hitting not a little spank here and there..
Me and my siblings got the occasional potch and we all turned out just fine..

And some people smoke and never get cancer. Doesn't make it healthy.

In any case, can we take this conversation back from being everyone's platform for their personal feelings on child rearing (start a spinoff) and back to OP's issue?

OP expressed frustration because she is trying to work on herself to not hit, she lost herself, and in her moment of losing herself in her anger and frustration, she hit her child.

OP sounds like a good parent. She wants to improve her own ability to control her anger and her parenting.

The fact that (proverbial) you too, lose yourself, doesn't help OP or her child. The fact that you think it's okay doesn't help OP or her child. Calling people spoiled for encouraging a more thoughtful route to child rearing does not help OP or her child.
(Not directed at the OP I'm quoting specifically, but to a lot of responses here.)

OP is struggling to be a better parent. A professional is the ideal person she should be seeing to improve herself.

amother

Scarlet

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 1:03 pm

amother wrote:

Age old debate but the evidence is largely for hard and abusive hitting not a little spank here and there..
Me and my siblings got the occasional potch and we all turned out just fine..

Your observation is purely anecdotal evidence, but I'll add my own. My parents have a large double digit sized family. They potched the older ones, some of them are ok but a couple have faced serious problems. They then stopped the potching and all of their younger children are happy, well-adjusted and productive adults. It might be totally unrelated to their discipline techniques, but my parents blame themselves for the different outcomes.

observer

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 1:06 pm

Mommyg8 wrote:

This and the next post are both very extreme. I'm sorry, but it's not a federal crime (yet) to hit your child. If it's once in a very blue moon, your kid will be 100% ok, I promise.

To the op: someone recently gave me very good advice (on a different topic). She did something that she realized afterwards was very wrong. Her husband told her to do something positive in the other direction...to rectify what she did.

So my advice is to be extra loving (I know this advice is a little late), give him an extra hug, an extra story, etc.

Don't worry, you'll both be ok. You don't need counseling.

Sorry, but to hit your child out of anger and frustration is bad. Really really bad.

amother

Tangerine

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 1:09 pm

amother wrote:

It’s interesting because we had a very similar phenomenon where the older kids (myself included) were spanked but my parents mellowed and never spanked the youngest kids.. And honestly they are spoiled brats while the older part of the family are far less spoiled and are quite successful..

observer

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 1:11 pm

amother wrote:

Omg! Help asap from a professional?? OP sounds like a great mom and very normal! She was in a rush to leave the house and her son was being chutzpadik and making everyone’s late! Sorry but It’s not always a crime to hit a kid. Never on the face but I’m behind is ok. It’s not abuse. Don’t hit your kid if your having a stressful day and he did nothing and he’s being your punching bag... that would be abuse. But what OP did sounded very normal. I hit my kids occasionally... none of them are messed up, abused, or any other label you may find. Today’s generation is very spoiled and parents are actually scared to raise a finger to the kid! But kids walk all over parents. Chutzpa is not tolerated in any way and you knock it out when they are young. And if you never hit and you hit him one time he will take it seriously. If you hit often the kid will know it’s a joke. OP- you don’t need any professional help, your being a normal parent raising kids in the unfortunate 2018 spoiled generation.

I don't know that I would call that chutzpah. Presumably, the child had a reason he took it off. He was probably upset about something. That's a normal thing that kids do. But there are other approaches to deal with it, other than hitting out of your own frustration. That is not a parenting technique, not in anyone's book.

little_mage

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 1:13 pm

Lucky14, I don't hit/potch/spank my kids. That doesn't mean that there aren't times that I'm extremely tempted. I know it's wrong, and I'm an adult, so I don't. But there are times when the promise of something that's going to quickly work in the short term to get whatever I need done sounds really nice. Data has been showing that it's really an ineffective parenting techinque, but I don't find it hard to understand why parents find the thought appealing sometimes.

Mommyg8

Fri, Jan 26 2018, 1:49 pm

amother wrote:

People have largely stopped hitting kids because there is a lot evidence that it is damaging for them. Google it.

It's damaging if it's done wrong. It's totally fine if it's done right. I've heard this argument so many thousands of times, I certainly don't need to Google to find out what the flavor of the month is today. I understand that psychologists have data showing that corporal punishment is damaging. I am 100% sure that the way we do it is completely not damaging.