How to end a friendship

33055

Wed, Jan 31 2018, 4:19 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Slowly stop answering emails and texts. Be "busy" often. Keep conversations short and non-committal. Hopefully she'll get the hint.

If not, then at least by then if you drop the "boundary bomb", she can't say that she didn't see it coming.

Thanks. I have withdrawn from a lot of interaction. I don't have her at my house. I also won't go out with her kids and mine.

She is always having a crises. I would love to have a plan before her next crises.

Whenever- I do something positive, she hits me with a negative ton of bricks.

33055

Wed, Jan 31 2018, 4:36 pm

Zehava wrote:

Sorry to hear that. I agree you should just get very busy. Answer crisis texts the next day instead of right away. Don’t get with the urgency. Stay calm. Live your life. Eventually she will find someone else to drag into her drama.

Thanks. That's where she gets me. I am good at finding solutions. Last time she didn't thank me or the person who helped. Her answer was that it was all blown up in the first place. 1. It wasn't blown up. 2 . It is likely to occur again because because the underlying behavior isn't charging.

southernbubby

Wed, Jan 31 2018, 4:49 pm

I have seen a few of those types in action. They have unlimited needs for nurturing and attention until the relationship is no longer reciprocal. It is usually one way where you are manipulated into being the giver or the adult and she is the taker or the child. You will soon be overwhelmed or exhausted by her needs and dread every time she calls.

They are initially sad when they realize that you are not as concerned about them as they wanted to believe but then they find someone else to hold up this illusion that they are so important to someone else. They will always be upset that you betrayed them but that is their problem and not yours.

You have to just claim to be busy and stop answering texts and it will take her time to get the hint and she will invent emergencies for you to deal with and you will have to tell her that you are just too overwhelmed right now with your own life to run to her emergency.

33055

Wed, Jan 31 2018, 5:03 pm

southernbubby wrote:

I am a giver by nature. DH never liked her as he said she was selfish. It took me years to see how right he was. She made snarky remarks, and I told myself she was jealous. Really - I don't have to listen to this.

I want to really end this. I don't want to go to simchas or anything. I feel it is rude not to answer a text. Can I just text back I am busy?

southernbubby

Wed, Jan 31 2018, 5:10 pm

Squishy wrote:

yes

33055

Wed, Jan 31 2018, 5:22 pm

Zehava wrote:

I also suggest that if this is a pattern see if you have what’s called a savior complex where you feel the need to save others.

I looked it up. I am a believer you can't change other people. You can only help them solve their problems. And that's if they want help.

I don't mind helping those in the community especially if it is easy for me to do something. I think that's normal.

Mommyg8

Wed, Jan 31 2018, 5:26 pm

Squishy wrote:

And Squishy, it's the right thing to do. Us Jews must all have the savior complex, I guess, because Jews enjoy giving and helping.

Keep doing the right thing, and may G-d repay you.

Shoshana37

Wed, Jan 31 2018, 5:37 pm

Two years ago we moved to new house and made some new friends in the area and I’m usually very very very nice and always welcoming but I noticed one particular friend just kept popping in any time almost every single day. My husband was really annoyed by it so I just started telling this new friend we are either busy or every time came up with excuses. It stopped little bit but I don’t think they getting the point. Unfortunately some people have to hear it that it’s not ok to pop in anytime. One day I have to get the courage and just say it out loud

tovasara

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 12:09 pm

Maybe it isn't really a friendship. I had some relationships like this, and I started looking at it more like a mentorship than a friendship. Of course the other person is clueless. In fact, at some point I didn't share with her something significant that happened in my family and when she found out months later it never would have occurred to her that I specfically did not tell her because it is always about her and her drama. It was months later!

I think changing the focus, plus putting into place the boundary suggestions above (waiting to answer, etc) will help.

southernbubby

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 12:27 pm

tovasara wrote:

I agree, we have all run into those types who don't read between the lines and have to have the boundaries clearly spelled out. At a certain point, the person whose life is upended by this type of friendship wakes up to the fact that this friendship is costing them their shalom bayis and taking them away from more important things such as their kids and home and that as the saying goes, "with friends like these, who needs enemies?"

Sometimes we have to set time limits on phone conversations and visits. When people overstep our boundaries and we have no choice but to terminate the friendship, it might have been avoidable if we would have protected that friendship all along with boundaries. Sometimes we all have to be the meanie who can't lend money, babysit, pick up her carpool, buy her multi-level marketed stuff, pretend to be her therapist, etc., just so we don't have to totally curtail the friendship.