Dessert only | Imamother

Fox

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 7:21 pm

Cookie Monster wrote:

It is pretty common in Chassidishe circles. The invite doesn’t usually say “dessert only,” but it is self understood that If you are not close family or friends you attend for the dancing/dessert only.

Right! That's a huge advantage of having chassunah halls in the neighborhood. It's a lot easier to pop in for a quick mazel tov and a round of dancing -- you don't have to make an entire evening of it. I also love Chassidish weddings because frequently people will come to say mazel tov or dance who barely know the families and weren't even officially invited. It makes it so much more simchadik.

None of the wedding venues in my community are actually in the neighborhood. Of course, part of the reason that no venues in the neighborhood are considered suitable is because they're too small to seat 400 people plus dancing. But if only 150 people were being served at the seuda and everyone else was provided cookies and punch, it would work fine.

southernbubby

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 7:45 pm

nechamashifra wrote:

I think dessert-only is a really nice idea and I'm actually thinking it would be great if weddings would be dessert-only too. If the family is well-off, it's even better - it will start a new trend;)

As others have said above, the gift has nothing to do with the food you will be receiving - it's not a business exchange. If you want a nice meal, go to a restaurant.

Here in Detroit (Chabad community) desert only weddings have become a trend. The meal is for family and out of town guests.

amother

Hotpink

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 8:33 pm

We just did this for my daughter's bat mitzvah. (It was over Shabbat). We has Friday night seudah for out of town only. (We don't live near any family so that meant family and close friends who traveled). We had people fly from overseas, different states etc. It was about 60 people. Then we invited our local friends (adults only) to a dessert reception. It was a full on affair, not a few cookies on a table. There were about 200 people. Shabbat day we invited to whole community (including everybody's children) to a kiddush luncheon (Also fancy).

The whole thing wasn't cheaper than doing a meal for friends, but we wanted to be and to invite the whole community.

From the gifts my daughter has received it and that most people are giving what that would normally give of we had had a meal, and some less.

I hope that no one thinks they were a second tier invite if they were only invited to the dessert, there wasn't a meal for local friends.The dessert was THE whole thing.

When we are invited to a simcha we give the same regardless of the type of party, the gift is for the milestone (bar/bat mitzvah, marriage etc), not to pay for my food.

(Anon for potentially identifying details)

MiracleMama

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 9:22 pm

Squishy wrote:

I was told I am being invited to the simcha weeks ago and save the date. I am told it was a personal request. I figured I was invited for a suda - not just dessert which I don't eat. Who goes out to eat dessert?

Normally, I give a very generous gift, but I feel a total lack of consideration.

Btw if the invite came without the build-up, I wouldn't have through twice about it. I would have figured I am a second teir friend.

Reading some of the other responses, I feel like I may have misunderstood.

I have been invited to several bas mitzvahs lately that were dessert receptions. Everyone going was there just for dessert. It is always at an off time - I.e. 3 in the afternoon. Or late, way past when dinner would be served.

Being invited to show up late just for dessert when (most) everyone else was already there for lunch or dinner is different. Also inviting someone at a meal time and then just giving them cookies and cake is different. I'd probably feel annoyed about that. If you tell me to show up at 6 pm, then yes, I am expecting some dinner.

southernbubby

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 9:37 pm

MiracleMama wrote:

You hit the nail on the head. If the whole crowd is invited for desert at a time of day when desert is generally eaten, then no one feels like a second tier guest. I don't mind being a second tier guest but I also don't feel obligated in as large of a gift. Generally, I am willing to help by housing some of the out of town guests, regardless of the type of invite that I get, but I do give a smaller gift if I am only attending for a short amount of time.

Boca00

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 9:42 pm

I have never gone to a simcha that I was only invited to dessert. Not because of the food, because I usually don't eat there anyway.

A "dessert only" invitation means (to me) that you don't really expect me to come. It's a whole ordeal to get a babysitter and drive up to an hour and a half away, so late at night (because "dessert invitations" are always called for super late). I'm not insulted, I just don't feel required to show up.

OTOH, Squishy, it sounds like this person really cares that you come but is limited financially. She probably made sure to invite you personally so you would know that even though they couldn't invite you to the whole event, she really wants you to be there.
Definitely don't be insulted!

yamz

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 10:09 pm

I'm going to be the voice of dissent here. I have never yet received a dessert only invite (I don't get invited to many bar mitzvahs), but I find the whole concept extremely irksome. I understand perfectly well that people don't have limitless funds to spend on their smachot,and I applaud the effort to rein expenditures, but there has to be another way. If we aren't close friends or family members, I would not be the slightest bit insulted if I were not invited to a simcha. The list has to end someplace.
However, it is insulting if you just invite me for dessert when other, "closer friends" are invited to the whole meal. How does this work? It becomes a huge burden upon the the invitee. As others have mentioned, dessert after a meal is going to be pretty late. So now I have to find and pay for a babysitter, get all dressed up, drive and find parking at the simcha hall, come say mazel tov for 10 minutes, and then drive home and try to find parking again, wondering what to do all the way home because you can't just pay a sitter for an hour and 15 minutes. All this at a time of night when I would have much rather put on PJs and crawled into bed with a book/laptop, just because you created this ridiculous social obligation? Either send me a proper invitation me or don't invite me at all! Either I'm important enough to make the cut, or I'm not, but this half-invitation is the worst of all.

By the way, I do think inviting just for the Chuppah is different from inviting just for dessert. People come earlier in the evening for the Chuppah and can make a meal of the Kabbolas Panim if they choose to do so. It's also not obvious who was invited for which part of the wedding. That said, I think it's only appropriate for people who live in the neighborhood. If one is inviting guests from further away than that, they should be invited to the whole wedding or not at all, IMHO.

southernbubby

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 10:45 pm

yamz wrote:

But why does their half an invitation create a social obligation or for that matter why does any invitation create a social obligation? In large communities, a person may be invited to several events on the same night so is the baal simcha actually expecting you to hire the babysitter to show up for 10 minutes or do they simply think that half an invitation is less of a rejection than no invitation? Some people make the rounds of numerous affairs and events and don't stay long at any of them.
To me it is no different than being invited to a wedding in another city and I don't usually buy a plane ticket and fly off somewhere just to attend a wedding of a friend's child. I don't send a gift if I am not personally attending. If a simcha is too much trouble to attend, then I just say mazal tov and send my regrets.