Explain this part of motherhood to me!

amother

cornflower

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 11:00 pm

So recently it was my daughters birthday. I bought her a cute little chachka and we had ice cream for dessert with sprinkles and choc syrup. SHe was so happy! Then she got invited to a classmates birthday party, and my heart! I automatically pictured her little face seeing the party and wondering why she didnt have that too! SHe also had a birthday! Why did her mommy not make an exciting party like this? My heart is melting. I went over to her sleeping in her bed and kissed her and started tearing up. No. I am not making her a party. It's not that I feel pressured to give her everything that everyone else has, I really don't. But I WANT her to have everything! Even though at the end of the day I know I don't want to raise her like that and I won't, it hurts me. Excuse my ramble, I'm just trying to figure out these feelings.. any insight?

Boca00

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 11:04 pm

You sound like a awesome and sensitive Mommy.

This is a great opportunity for her to learn that every family does things differently and that you can't always have what other people have.

(Though I wouldn't bring this up unless she says something. Many kids are just happy to go to a party and don't make a big deal about the fact that they didn't have one.)

amother

cornflower

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 11:19 pm

amother wrote:

I think all our childhood wounds are retriggered via our children.

Interesting. I have plenty of childhood wounds lol. But I don't think that's the case in this particular scenario... those kind of needs were met in my childhood..

amother

Peach

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 11:19 pm

You’re giving her much more by teaching her she doesn’t always need the biggest and best in life.

My 10 yr old son described a classmate as “spoiled” the other day and I felt proud that he knew what spoiled was and that he knew he wasn’t.

keym

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 11:21 pm

amother wrote:

I think all our childhood wounds are retriggered via our children.

Absolutely. I didnt realize how much it bothered me not to get an American Girl doll until I found myself buying an imitation one to give to my daughter even though she didnt really want it.

Frumwithallergies

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 11:21 pm

I feel for you! I agree with a previous poster that these things re-awaken/trigger feelings from one's own childhood.

Children are very resilient. I made a point of not doing birthday parties (except cupcakes at daycare) until age 5, and even then I was reasonable. My kids always come home from other children's birthday parties wanting what someone else had, but I agree with another poster who said you can't always get what you want. Remember, children are very resilient!

If your DD says something, then you can decide how to proceed....

seeker

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 11:31 pm

My kids (including one whose personality type is to be envious of just about everything) at least so far think of themselves as lucky when they get invited to someone else's birthday party. What a fun way to spend a Sunday!

The big one has asked if she can have a party, but she didn't make a huge deal out of it, I told her I'll think about it for next year - meanwhile she was very happy with our family celebration.

It helps that they only get invited to a handful of birthdays. I think in some circles "everyone" has a party for every birthday and then everyone else would have to want one, too.

Tip: Buy a birthday present that is something your kid already has.

HappyGoLucky1

Thu, Feb 01 2018, 11:31 pm

I always tell my husband... Anytime we plan something extravagant, be it a party, a day trip, an amusement park with the glow sticks at night... We convince ourselves it's for the kids, because of course! We want to give them happy childhood memories! But in reality, it's for us to feel good about OURSELVES. It gives us a sense of fulfillment that we are awesome parents who go "above and beyond" for our kids happiness.
The reality is, kids don't know the difference between having Bello, bozo or a silly beading activity. It's all the same excitement for them, something different than usual, something special. Though they will learn to expect the bar whichever you've set for them. It's a blessing that your daughter is happy with simplicty. Don't feel bad, you are teaching her to be happy with what she has, which is a beautiful middah, and the true way to go "above and beyond"!

amother

cornflower

Fri, Feb 02 2018, 12:03 am

tichellady wrote:

Does she want a birthday party or you just felt worried that she would want one?

Feel worried. don't want her to wonder why she didn't get a party also. She hasn't said but a word and chances are she won't. I guess I just don't want to think about my children experiencing any pain? Even though obviously I know it's all part of developing into a person, and is what makes a well rounded healthy resilient human being.

amother

Cerulean

Fri, Feb 02 2018, 12:27 am

You sound like a very caring mother. I am not sure if your daughter actually feels bad or if you are just worried she may. For sure not letting her go to parties is a way to create hard feelings...anyway here's my own experience: My parents never made birthday parties, and I enjoyed going to them, never wondered why I didn't get one, and I actually think on some level I felt pride at my family's way of doing things. When I turned 12 and came home to find a pile of presents on my bed in honor of my bas mitzvah, it was such a strong message of what my parents' priorities were! I have never forgotten it many years later. Be confident about your chinuch choices and your daughter will feel secure and proud to be a part of your family!!! Smile

Even if your daughter does bring up any hard feelings, it's an opportunity to show you validate her feelings even if you won't be changing anything. examples of things you can say:
You feel different? You feel you're missing something? Maybe a little jealous. Everyone feels that way sometimes. Would you like to plan a nice supper/dessert/outing for your birthday? That is how our family celebrates birthdays. Every family has different ways of doing things. Our family is lucky because ___. IYH we'll make you a nice tasteful bas mitzvah, I dream about it sometimes!

Last edited by amother on Wed, Jul 18 2018, 9:31 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

cornflower

Fri, Feb 02 2018, 12:55 am

amother wrote:

Which needs are you referring to?

Meaning, I didn't feel different than everyone else. My parents made me parties, got me things give or take but pretty much to a normal standard of everyone around me. I didn't feel deprived.

amother

Tan

Fri, Feb 02 2018, 1:12 am

amother wrote:

my heart! I automatically pictured her little face seeing the party and wondering why she didnt have that too! SHe also had a birthday! Why did her mommy not make an exciting party like this?

Do you have a sense as to what prompted you to imagine that dd might have such machshavos zaros?

amother

cornflower

Fri, Feb 02 2018, 1:29 am

amother wrote:

Do you have a sense as to what prompted you to imagine that dd might have such machshavos zaros?

I'm not sure what you mean by "machshavos zaros" but I don't think it hasn't to be so deep. As I said before I think it's hard for parents or at least for me as a parent to imagine my child experiencing any kind of pain no matter how minor, and even if we know logically that it isn't harmful and is all part of what contributes to a healthy happy person. I don't think everything need to be attributed to old childhood scars or anything as deep as that.

mame1

Fri, Feb 02 2018, 1:59 am

Those are your feelings, and while they are valid for you, you can't project them onto your daughter and assume she will share the same emotions. She will go to the party and she will have fun. She will run around, play, have cake and ice cream, see her friends... It's not going to be a horrible experience. She's not going to mope around thinking "why didn't I have this?" Let her have fun. The worst thing is to deny a child those experiences.

I don't think she will, but if she were to say "why didn't I have a party?" Maybe next time you take her out for ice cream or a day at the park you can invite one of her friends along and make it into a little "party". Two can be a party.

amother

Bronze

Fri, Feb 02 2018, 5:20 am

Op, in your op you write" I want her to have everything" . If your being honest with yourself is that yes you do want to give her everything but you know you
Can't/won't / jealous

Being honest with yourself is the first way to deal with