Is this a red flag?
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Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 11:28 am
My dd age8 and my ds age 3 were bathing together.
I left the room for a minute to get a towel and overheard my dd say to my ds ,
"Can I touch it?" He was saying no and then I ran into th e room.
I asked dd where she wanted to touch, and she replied that she wanted to touch his nose.

I had a feeling she was lying so I asked ds all of 3 who told me she wanted to touch his privates.

Is this normal exploraion or a red flag. I'm not taking it well Crying or Very sad
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Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 11:30 am
I wouldn't have them bath together at that age.
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Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 11:32 am
8 year old is too old for joint baths.
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Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 11:34 am
Thanks ladies. For some reason I thought it was ok cos my little one is only 3. But not anymore....
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Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 11:37 am
You reading the flag right. Time's up for bathing together.
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Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 11:39 am
For the record I don’t think that’s a red flag that something is wrong with your dd, sounds like normal curiosity. But I agree separate baths is probably a good idea.
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Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 12:41 pm
It's a sign that it's past time for bathing together, but it doesn't mean something is wrong with your dd. And good for your ds for saying no.
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Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 1:07 pm
I agree.

You also might want to talk to both kids about who is allowed to touch them and when (doctors during checkups, people helping them wipe), and make sure they know that the rest of the time, private parts are private.

If your DD is curious, invite her to ask questions that you can answer in a private, age appropriate setting.
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Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 2:10 pm
I don’t think it’s a red flag at all, but I’m young and inexperienced. My son is 3, daughter 5. I just dealt with this. heard son asking daughter to touch it. They thought it was some sort of game. I did 3 things:
1. No more baths or showers together.
2. I told them clearly that it’s not appropriate and I don’t want to see them doing this kind of thing again. I can’t trust them at this age, so I need to be more tuned in to this kind of thing, also when they have friends over - I need to be aware of the emerging curiousity.
3. Gave a detailed, clear speech that no one is allowed to touch you without permission, and you don’t ever have to touch anyone even if they tell you to. Only a parent or dr. Is allowed to look or touch it. It’s your body and therefore private property. I give a light version of this speech whenever they fight physically. Hands off unless you got permission first, etc.
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Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 2:12 pm
No it's not a read flag, but it might be a red flag
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Bnei Berak 10


Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 2:43 pm
amother wrote:
Thanks ladies. For some reason I thought it was ok cos my little one is only 3. But not anymore....

And your daughter is 8. 4 more yrs and she will be bat mitzva.
Until what age did you plan to co-bath them?
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Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 2:53 pm
Thank you to all the wonderful ladies who gave me great advice.
Imamother is a wonderful resource and I am so grateful for this forum.
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Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 2:57 pm
Personally im more concerned about your dd "lying" when you asked her. She felt cornered and lied to protect herself.
I would reevaluate my whole approach. She knows about private places yet chose to ignore. Maybe for attention. Maybe because of inconsistencies? I dont know but I would look into it.
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Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 3:09 pm
Exploring is normal behavior but now is a great idea to use this time to have the "no touching" talk.

No touching across the board. Only doctors and same sx therapists when applicable. Opposite sx therapists should be monitored by a grown up in room when alone with child.

I don't know if this is off topic, but when we were raised our little ones, we all taught our kids that no matter who touched them, for any reason, they had to come home and tell us and we immediately rewarded them.

In those days, there were these thin small chocolate mint lentils, or 3 different color powder after dinner mints (small squares) so we kept a jar of it where they could see.

This encouraged the kids to tell us literally every time they were touched, like, wiped by a teacher, which was okay but also to prevent others from touching them when it was not okay.

So we gave approx one 'free' mint a day to hear their stories, ( well worth it) but a year in, one friend was horrified to learn that her kid sat on the bus drivers lap once and she immediately contacted the school. (I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I'm saying it horrified her)

Point is, you can never ever be too cautious. Don't get crazy about it, just be aware.

ETA: let them know same sx touching is a no no too!

Last edited by Jewishfoodie on Sun, Feb 11 2018, 3:40 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 3:36 pm
I stop bathing together and my ds is 5 and dd 3 cuz ds is curious type. I think it's a personality more than a red flag. Some kids are more curious others aren't noticing. Some of my older kids bathed together even older and just played splashed and laughed. This ds is curious about everything in life so it doesn't concern me but I separate for this reason. I still remind him 'keep away from ur sisters privates and noone should get near urs' it's a mantra already
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Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 3:37 pm
I think every mother should be aware that their kids are naturally curious of the opposite gender. I remember being curious as a kid (and I have a memory of an elephant) Do u really think Hashem wanted us to get married and suddenly get excited over it? I believe He created us like that...
What worked for my daughter (and stayed in her bones) she has a number of boys after her, when she thought she could 'just tickle there' (btw even if they weren't so far apart in age and even if she just saw them undress - not bathe) I noticed once that she thought it was a joke, I told her, "WOULD YOU LIKE IF SOMEONE TOUCHED YOU THERE??" She got scared, and said no!! "So you make sure NEVER to touch someone there"....At the same time I mentioned to my boys that noone is allowed to touch them, even another boy....
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Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 4:23 pm
At what age should kids stop bathing together?

I've got a 5yo girl, 3yo boy and 1yo girl and they usually bath together. Sometimes just the older two.

Nothing inappropriate has happened and I never leave the room.

Also, at what point do people think it is inappropriate for them to share a room?
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Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 4:50 pm
I have never bathed my children together. Ever.

I have an 8 yr girl, 5 yr boy, 3 yr girl.

I even train them that it is not tznuis to look when a pamper is being changed or clothing is being changed.

Anything under the clothing is supposed to be respected.
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Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 5:32 pm
I have mostly girls and they generally move on from bathing with the crew at around 10. Right now my 10 year old sometimes takes showers or baths alone, but often still prefers to hop in with her 8 yr old sister. It's a fun, bonding, relaxing time for them and they all have great memories of bathing together at diff stages (2-3 at a time). They usually spend a good hour in there.

But that's all girls. Then again, I don't think an 8 yr old girl and 3 yr old boy is outrageous, and what your daughter did is totally normal, but probably an indication that it's time to think about bathing separately.
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Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 8:06 pm
Definitely not at this age. But, why is the 8 year taking a bath and not a shower? At this age you should not have to supervise her.
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