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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
What to do- dtr has bf
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naturalmom5




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 13 2018, 3:44 pm
" she doesn’t know this guy it’s not like a friend or neighbor that she knows and likes- she said he texted her by mistake was off a number- still not sure how that evolved...she hasn’t even seen him or a picture"

The old wrong number that became a chat-friend. That's the fifth time KAOS has pulled that this month... LOL

Personally I would be a lot happier if it was a cute guy who lives down the block or she met in a pizza shop than some 45 year old predator online...
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naturalmom5




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 13 2018, 3:46 pm
WhatFor wrote:
Can u google what those rabbis say abt posting on social media generally like this site im curious thx


Touche.... Surprised
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estif




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 1:16 am
this subject is so clear yet people love to be blinded! of course public forum is not a problem when nothing is personal, but op is talking about a relationship amongst opposite genders , all they need is one phonecall exchange and she's with him, I have in the past fallen into these traps quite a few times!! texting and then the guy asked me for a picture? sorry he asked too fast I do not want to think if he would have asked a day later what would have happened to me, The facts are known to all
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estif




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 1:20 am
I translated in english

Last edited by estif on Wed, Feb 14 2018, 1:24 am; edited 2 times in total
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estif




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 1:22 am
http://orlanoar.com/index.asp?.....63732

a question:
Hello Rabbi Ravid ☺ Is it permissible to correspond on the computer boys / girls for reinforcement? It is important to note that I am a young girl. He is 21 years old. He is already a graduate. He only strengthens and everything in proportions. We do not meet or talk on a cell phone. All of this is via the computer (that is, we certainly do not meet or cross the border). Is it permissible to be in such a relationship? Thanks


Answer:
Absolutely forbidden! It is forbidden for a young boy to strengthen young women and a woman is forbidden to strengthen men
True strengthening must be from a qualified and God-fearing person, not from any fellow who is familiar with chat
The strengthening of chat and correspondence is not serious and the damage to it is greater than the benefit, that is the advice of the yetzer hara
Any virtual connection of one kind or another is a forbidden imagination and the girl who does so has a fence of "stumbling the many" because the men go through "and do not turn" and this causes them serious reflections

In order for you to understand, I will ask you a similar question:
Would you agree that a 17-year-old would strengthen your 12-year-old sister and correspond with her every night?
Do you think a married woman would have agreed that a young girl would strengthen her husband on the Internet?
Do you think a married man would agree that a young man would strengthen his wife and write messages in a chat?
Would your mother have agreed that a young man would write messages to her younger daughter?

If you know how many families in Israel were destroyed because of the Internet, some girls were deceived and even hurt as a result. Some girls only contacted the Internet and at the end they paid a heavy price, some girls were s-xually abused, some girls were tied up as a result of daily correspondence to dubious men and even Arabs. Do not be evil, if you really want to be strong, do not let the evil inclination seek you permits and make you believe that men on the Internet will really strengthen you, a serious and fearful girl will not dare do so.

For a similar response, click here: "What's the problem with correspondence with boys?"
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 1:43 am
estif wrote:
this subject is so clear yet people love to be blinded! of course public forum is not a problem when nothing is personal, but op is talking about a relationship amongst opposite genders , all they need is one phonecall exchange and she's with him, I have in the past fallen into these traps quite a few times!! texting and then the guy asked me for a picture? sorry he asked too fast I do not want to think if he would have asked a day later what would have happened to me, The facts are known to all

I am truly sorry to hear you have had negative experiences, but the subject is not "so clear." There are different opinions, different hashkafot, different approaches.

And there is no reason for a girl to be "with a boy" (not sure what that means here) just because they spoke once on the phone or exchanged a single text message. What does this even mean?

You can always hang up phones, block callers, decline to reply to text messages, or decide not to send photos.

Also, it sounds like you are generalizing from your (bad) experiences. The OP asked about a very specific situation involving her daughter. Let's reply based on the specifics of her situation, not yours.
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 9:19 am
A girl that is old enough to date doesn't have to go sneaking around with a guy even if it is just over the computer. The fastest way to scare any non-serious guy away is to invite them to your house. Being that your dd never met him either, maybe agree to meet him for coffee- all of you. Watch how fast that one will fizzle out.
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 11:28 am
estif wrote:
this subject is so clear yet people love to be blinded! of course public forum is not a problem when nothing is personal, but op is talking about a relationship amongst opposite genders , all they need is one phonecall exchange and she's with him, I have in the past fallen into these traps quite a few times!! texting and then the guy asked me for a picture? sorry he asked too fast I do not want to think if he would have asked a day later what would have happened to me, The facts are known to all

It's not clear from context just what the entrapment you were subject to consists of. You were "with" someone (and does that mean, meeting for coffee, violating yichud, or worse)? You were asked for a picture? Clothed?

Whatever the correct interpretation, did you go along with the request? I get scam phone calls every now and then (they want my money, not my body) but I haven't fallen into those traps because I haven't sent them any money or given them my credit card number.
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amother
Lilac


 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 11:34 am
Why is it so necessary for posters to rip things, and others, apart in this whole "I"m frummer than you are" game.

OP's having a situation with her daughter. Do you think the daughter, who is texting, is going to care that some rabbi she doesn't know says texting is bad? No. That's not the solution. Frankly, it's insulting to the OP, to her daughter, and to the rest of us. Is that the goal? Insults? If it is, I'll flag posts for Yael.
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 1:01 pm
Personally, I don't know if there's much op can do. Her daughter is old enough to be an adult. She's 18.

If she's a bias yaakov type of girl, she knows better then what she's doing.

And you say she already spoke to someone so why hasn't that helped?

Something is not adding up. I don't beleive this is the only thing she's doing with a boy. You are either not telling us or she's really good at hiding.
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 2:52 pm
Op, I'm repeating what your dd said. She doesn't wanna stop.

She knows you don't want her to and knows what the pitfalls are. Hopefully she will make the right decision and stop it. If she doesn't I say you can't do anything about it.

Rabbi David orlofsky in his shiur in Torah anytime on platonic relationships explains things very clear. Maybe she would wanna hear this and or go to rabbi Zechariah wallerstein he can give you advise on how to get through to your dd.

I'm sorry your in this position.

Though you sound very not too panicked about this through your posts.

I would be a mess if this happened to my dd.
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amother
Navy


 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 8:51 pm
Number one priority- OP you MUST find out if this guy is who he says he is. If it truly was a case of a RANDOM wrong number, the chances of him being a frum boy her age are so slim. Please investigate.

That being said, The majority of boys I spoke to in high school were a case of "wrong" number. I got the number of a boy I thought was cute from a friend and "accidentally" texted him. A guy got my number from facebook and "mistakenly" called me... You get the picture. Teens are embarrassed to admit this. But this is a much "safer" situation so to speak if they exchanged numbers through mutual circles that know each other personally. I hope you understand what I'm saying. Your DD may have been embarrassed to explain how they truly exchanged numbers.

I think I was in a very similar position to your dd in 12th grade. I was so strong on being shomer negia but loved the thrill of talking to and texting boys. I definitely did not need therapy. it was normal teenage hormones. Seminary was a godsend for me. I straightened out, cut off contact with boys, and returned a lot more shtark. that being said she may need "time" to get it out of her system. I started in 11th grade s it took me a bit over 2 years.
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naturalmom5




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 10:57 pm
amother wrote:
Number one priority- OP you MUST find out if this guy is who he says he is. If it truly was a case of a RANDOM wrong number, the chances of him being a frum boy her age are so slim. Please investigate.

That being said, The majority of boys I spoke to in high school were a case of "wrong" number. I got the number of a boy I thought was cute from a friend and "accidentally" texted him. A guy got my number from facebook and "mistakenly" called me... You get the picture. Teens are embarrassed to admit this. But this is a much "safer" situation so to speak if they exchanged numbers through mutual circles that know each other personally. I hope you understand what I'm saying. Your DD may have been embarrassed to explain how they truly exchanged numbers.

I think I was in a very similar position to your dd in 12th grade. I was so strong on being shomer negia but loved the thrill of talking to and texting boys. I definitely did not need therapy. it was normal teenage hormones. Seminary was a godsend for me. I straightened out, cut off contact with boys, and returned a lot more shtark. that being said she may need "time" to get it out of her system. I started in 11th grade s it took me a bit over 2 years.


Reading things like this makes me thank Hashem with all my heart that I went to PS.
When I became frum at 19, I was really in awe of BY girls..
25 years of Lakewood cured me..
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estif




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 15 2018, 1:14 am
excellent wording !!!
amother wrote:
Op, I'm repeating what your dd said. She doesn't wanna stop.

She knows you don't want her to and knows what the pitfalls are. Hopefully she will make the right decision and stop it. If she doesn't I say you can't do anything about it.

Rabbi David orlofsky in his shiur in Torah anytime on platonic relationships explains things very clear. Maybe she would wanna hear this and or go to rabbi Zechariah wallerstein he can give you advise on how to get through to your dd.

I'm sorry your in this position.

Though you sound very not too panicked about this through your posts.

I would be a mess if this happened to my dd.
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estif




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 15 2018, 1:18 am
amother wrote:
Why is it so necessary for posters to rip things, and others, apart in this whole "I"m frummer than you are" game.

OP's having a situation with her daughter. Do you think the daughter, who is texting, is going to care that some rabbi she doesn't know says texting is bad? No. That's not the solution. Frankly, it's insulting to the OP, to her daughter, and to the rest of us. Is that the goal? Insults? If it is, I'll flag posts for Yael.

some Rabbi??? come on bring one source or Rabbi anyone Orthodox that permits texting Boys and Girls, You wan't to believe all is fine and allowed go ahead and lots of luck on your reformed religion
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salt




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 15 2018, 1:49 am
estif wrote:
some Rabbi??? come on bring one source or Rabbi anyone Orthodox that permits texting Boys and Girls, You wan't to believe all is fine and allowed go ahead and lots of luck on your reformed religion



estif, I happen to agree with you that texing is no good. Especially between boys and girls. But what people are saying to you, is that saying that is not exactly going to help OP now.

However, in your defense, to the posters who are bashing you, what I think you actually meant in the first place was that OPs DD shouldn't just be texting someone blindly. She should find out who this young man is.
The conversation then derailed into whether texting between teenage boys and girls is a good thing.
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fmt4




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 15 2018, 2:38 pm
estif wrote:
some Rabbi??? come on bring one source or Rabbi anyone Orthodox that permits texting Boys and Girls, You wan't to believe all is fine and allowed go ahead and lots of luck on your reformed religion


Why do you keep repeating this? It’s not relevant. Go make your own thread.
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