My 14yo dd is weird. Please help !!!

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Feb 15 2018, 3:18 am

I have never actually put this out there and I'm kind of desperate for help. hopefully someone can help me.
Basically I wish I had sent my 14 y.o dd to therapy years ago but now its too late and she absolutely refuses to go. I sent her last year against her wishes and she just sat there and said nothing and now she says 'I tried but it didn't work, I'm not going again.'
that's the least of it.
Basically the concerning behavior is her weird way of thinking and jumping from her point a to point b. she's 14 but never really 'got' hygiene so in the mornings sometimes she smells and I'll say 'did you put on deodorant? are your clothes clean? b/c something doesn't smell right... ' (I promise I don't say it in a mean tone! I don't even mean it in a mean way. Just I remember very clearly that when I was 14, the worst thing in the world was if I smelled! If someone told me I had, I would have washed all my clothes, had another shower, the works. I would have much preferred a family member who didn't matter to me told me that I smelled than a friend/classmate!!!) but she gets all upset and just ignores me. sometimes she says 'well its your fault b/c I only have two school uniforms.' sometimes I use a different tactic and say 'when did you last shower?' and she'll say 'before Shabbos.' And its Thursday!!! She just doesn't get it and seems to take it as a personal affront if I say anything. her class is nice, I don't think anyone has said anything to her but it sure doesn't help her make real friends.
that's one. the second example is her way of thinking, like its missing gaps or something. like if everyone in the house is cleaning up and she's sat down to do homework, but I say 'could you please help too?' instead of saying 'fine for five minutes' or 'what do you want me to do' or even 'I've got a big test tomorrow!!!'... she'll slam her books shut, scream 'Fine! I'm going to fail and its all your fault' and storm off to her room and not help AND not do her homework. this is the first example that comes to mind, there are plenty, plenty more upsetting ones. its come to me being a little scared of her b/c I really don't know what to expect and cannot follow her train of thought. she can barely explain herself and it doesn't seem rational. I keep hoping she'll outgrow it but so far it hasn't happened. my other kids also cannot follow her - the weird thing is she has the whole other side that is sweet and lovely and helpful at home, very loving with the younger kids (until she terrifies them with her screaming and door banging and bad moods) and I'm always getting these reports from school about her wonderful middos (absolutely mindboggling.)
If this sounds similar to something you've experienced or if you have any tips please share. thanks so much

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Feb 15 2018, 3:44 am

another example that is weird is that her teeth are disgusting, she obviously doesn't brush properly. when I say 'go brush' she'll say 'I did'. so I usually say 'Well, you either didn't or you're doing it wrong, because I can see your teeth are caked with gunk. Its really gross. go brush.' I don't know if she does or doesn't, either way it looks gross! again, when I was 14 I would have been aware this is social suicide and I would have taken great pains to make sure my teeth were decent. (and I always avoided bad breath like the plague) AND she absolutely refuses to open her mouth for the dentist. YES LIKE A 3 y.o! It is embarrassing!!!

amother

Brunette

Thu, Feb 15 2018, 5:09 am

Step 1 - improve the relationship. As on-target as your comments are they aren't helping her change so drop all comments for now. Spend quality time together. Go for ice cream, craft, etc. Try to understand what is it that she is seeking. Does she want more independence? Does she want more unconditional love? Does she want more friends? Is there anything she is fearful of?

Step 2 - therapy. Is it possible that the therapist she went to was not someone she clicked with? I would first discuss the issue you have on the phone with several therapists and see which one seems to "get it" and sounds like they'll be able to work well with her. Maybe there can be an incentive of some sort for going.

amother

Lilac

Thu, Feb 15 2018, 5:34 am

I'll be honest. With the hygiene - I was like this until I was 15. I knew about deoterant, perfume, showers, etc. but I would often forget or be too lazy to put it. Also I wouldn't brush my hair..it was often messy and frizzy. I really just did not care. I was not looking to impress anyone, but none of it was consciously done or well thought out. It's just how I was.
My parents never said a word to me about it. My sister once mentioned that my clothes look very unorganized but I ignored her - we weren't so close and I did not care much for her opinion. One day a classmate told me I smell and I took it as a sign to shower that night but my hygiene behavior did not particularly improve.
I really have no idea what specifically pushed me to change when I was 15 - all of the sudden I started showering daily, putting some make up, shopping for fashionable clothes, putting hair mousse in my hair, and just generally looking better. Maybe it was to impress boys? I don't know. But it happened BH. And by the time I was in shidduchim I looked especially good Smile

But I don't think this is a reason for therapy. I think just give your daughter her space, give her a lot of love and encouraging words when you see her (compliment her that she looks nice, compliment when she helps around the house, etc.), daven for her, and maybe buy her another uniform.

imasinger

Thu, Feb 15 2018, 5:51 am

The hygiene issues could have a sensory basis.

At a calm time, you may want to find out if she enjoys taking baths or showers, and if not, why not. Ditto taking care of her teeth.

Do you see any other signs of unusual behavior? How does she do in school, both academically and socially? Does she have friends? How is she perceived by her peers? Does she tend to get deeply involved in a few special interests? Does she have trouble with organization?

If you see patterns of concern, I think you should get her evaluated. Neuropsych, or possibly through the public schools/BOE, depending on your location.

You do also need to learn better ways of communication. This bit you wrote is concerning:

amother wrote:

A few pointers:

1. Never call your child a liar. If they were lying, it won't help them become more truthful, and either way, it's demeaning. Let them save face; say, "it's possible you forgot and were thinking about a different night", or whatever.

2. Never tell a child, especially a teen, that she, or anything about her, is gross. Teens are hypersensitive to appearance, even the ones who are "off", and they will internalize deep shame and anger from such talk.

Rather than say "your teeth are caked with gunk, it's gross", keep it calm and factual. "I can see yellow stuff on your front teeth, can you try again to see if you can get it off?"

3. Always follow up if it's important to you. The fact that you have no idea whether she obeyed is concerning. If her hygiene matters to you, make sure that when you give a direction, she follows through. Don't yell at her if she doesn't listen right away, but do tell the details at an evaluation.

4. The story you told about her slamming away and saying she will fail tomorrow's test points to a likelihood that she is feeling stressed out by school. See if you can find out more about that, and try checking in with her about her homework as soon as she gets home, so that you can know when to give her a little extra space, and when she may be available.

There are great books that can help you learn more about how to work with her. Let me know if you have time/interest in recommendations.

thunderstorm

Thu, Feb 15 2018, 8:02 am

OP, the only thing that I find worrisome is the lack of hygiene. Had she been a boy , I wouldn't worry because it typically phases out and they start taking care of themselves.
I'm coming from a different place here. Some mothers could be very critical of their daughters, without them realizing. So the kid pushes boundaries and tries to fight her mother when she advises her to do something.
I know my grandmother was a neat and clean freak and my mother was all over the place. She took pride in not caring about her looks because she just thought taking care of her looks would mean she would turn into her mother. And to her , that was the part of her mother she didn't like. He mother criticized her for being that unhygienic slob. My sister who was criticized by my mother for her physical appearance , is just the opposite of my mother now. She is more like my grandmother, super clean, obsessed with taking care of her hygiene and looks.
Unbeknownst to many of us, our children's actions are based on how we perceive them and it's their reaction to our criticism even though we are not aware of the fact that we are criticizing. We don't have to even voice our criticism but our children could "feel" what we are thinking. Teenagers are very sensitive and hormonal. It's walking a tightrope with them. But we have to dig into ourselves, to see if they are interpreting something from us and acting out because of it.
I had one of my kids pediatrician speak to my son about the importance of hygiene. The doctor told him, that one day if he smells too much or grossed others out, he will be left without friends. I thought it would be better for it to come from the doctor so that he wouldn't take it as criticism from me. This is not to say, it has anything to do with you. This is just a point you should consider and rule out. Best of luck .

amother

Sapphire

Thu, Feb 15 2018, 8:34 am

You need to fix the relationship with your daughter before any of this could get any better.
Does she do anything right in your eyes? Sorry to be so blunt, but...
Mothers who see their daughters as the best, the smartest, the most beautiful have confident children who

Try to aspire to those titles.

Please find good things in your daughter and praise her for it.

WARNING- She's a teenager, so expect her to get VERY angry when you start praising her. Please don't get frustrated. Frustration will only make things worse. She'll think your making fun of her. It's just she's not use to compliments. Keep at it and hopefully you can repair your relationship.

The hygiene will only get better if your relationship gets better.

amother

Ecru

Thu, Feb 15 2018, 10:00 am

A lot of what you wrote seems to describe my dd at that age. She also refused therapy. I went for therapy to learn how to deal with her. I learned to bother her less. And to always try to understand her point of view. She's older now, and brushes her teeth every day. (I never mentioned it, even when she was 14), and helps around the house - I had to learn how to synchronize with her, meaning, not make demands of her and not make it feel like she owes me the help.
Have hope- it gets better. Best advice I have is go to a good therapist. One therapist I went to gave me advice how to talk to my dd and it made things a LOT worse, don't ask....I'm still traumatized by that experience. I switched to another therapist and her ideas worked to calm me and my dd, even though my dd didn't come to sessions.

amother

Ecru

Thu, Feb 15 2018, 10:39 am

amother wrote:

Do you expect your dd to be just like you were at her age?

I can't imagine telling my dd her teeth look gross. Ouch.

Last piece of advice- stop ordering her around. Instead, learn to ask questions: honey, do you think you wanna brush your teeth today? This way you are offering a reminder, but you're not pushing it. She gets to choose whether or not to brush.