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Purim is so depressing
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amother




Ivory


Post  Tue, Feb 27 2018, 10:21 pm
Purim is a very depressing holiday for me. I dread it every year. We don't get a single mishloach manos. I go all out with a theme and costumes to make it a joyous atmosphere for my kids, and we deliver to a lot of people who give us one back only because they have to, and otherwise my kids would get nothing. But I still feel pathetic that not a single person comes to us.

And yes I live on a totally frum block in middle of a very dense frum neighborhood so logistics is not the issue.
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amother




Firebrick


Post  Tue, Feb 27 2018, 10:30 pm
Are you friends with your neighbors
When I was living in Brooklyn none of my neighbors gave me and I didn’t give them. We just weren’t so friendly with each other. What about friends that aren’t neighbors? People who you work with? Now that I don’t live in Brooklyn anymore I give all my neighbors and they all give me.
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amother




Ivory


Post  Tue, Feb 27 2018, 10:32 pm
It's a really snobby block so none of them speak to me. I don't have any close friends nearby. We only live here for a few years so I don't know that many people. But like I said I go out of way to give everyone I have something to do with, but in all my years of living here not one person has come to my house on purim.
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amother




Amber


Post  Wed, Feb 28 2018, 12:26 am
amother wrote:
Purim is a very depressing holiday for me. I dread it every year. We don't get a single mishloach manos. I go all out with a theme and costumes to make it a joyous atmosphere for my kids, and we deliver to a lot of people who give us one back only because they have to, and otherwise my kids would get nothing. But I still feel pathetic that not a single person comes to us.

And yes I live on a totally frum block in middle of a very dense frum neighborhood so logistics is not the issue.


omg that completely sad, the reason for giving mm is to make new friends
maybe they have a lot of family members and teachers to send
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amother




Chocolate


Post  Wed, Feb 28 2018, 12:30 am
I have the same thing for years. But I stopped caring a number of years ago.
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amother




Lawngreen


Post  Wed, Feb 28 2018, 1:03 am
Me too.

The feeling is just awful. I totally feel your pain. It’s the worst feeling to be surrounded by so many people yet be so alone. Now that my kids are older I keep thinking what they’re thinking about me. I don’t receive a single one!

It breaks my heart when I hear that another person is hurting like this. Every year before Purim there’s a repeat of this very same thread.

So very sorry:(
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DVOM




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Feb 28 2018, 6:10 am
amother wrote:
Purim is a very depressing holiday for me. I dread it every year. We don't get a single mishloach manos. I go all out with a theme and costumes to make it a joyous atmosphere for my kids, and we deliver to a lot of people who give us one back only because they have to, and otherwise my kids would get nothing. But I still feel pathetic that not a single person comes to us.

And yes I live on a totally frum block in middle of a very dense frum neighborhood so logistics is not the issue.


This is too sad, amother. I'm so sorry. In a huge frum community, it's so easy to get lost. I remember feeling this way when I first moved to Lakewood. For totally different reasons, this is going to be a very difficult Purim for me too, and although I normally love Purim I'm not really looking forward to it this year. Do you live in Lakewood or Brooklyn? We'll be in both places Purim day...Can me and my kids come to give you shalach manot on Purim? Nothing would bring me more joy!
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seeker




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Feb 28 2018, 9:10 am
Is it possible that people have learned that you will come to them anyway so they don't need to come to you? I hear how it would still feel disappointing, but sometimes that's the way people's brains work, they have no real way of knowing that everyone else is doing the same thing. How do you know they give back to you because they "have to?" Maybe they give back to you because they always intended to and here you are at their door so why not. I do that. There are certain families that I know have come to me on Purims past so I prepare a MM for them and give it to them when they come. Usually by the time I go out I have just a handful of the kids' friends to visit, and two of my friends who live at the opposite end of town and probably don't come to me because they know I'm going to make my way to them eventually because I always do.
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amother




Burgundy


Post  Wed, Feb 28 2018, 9:11 am
seeker wrote:
Is it possible that people have learned that you will come to them anyway so they don't need to come to you? I hear how it would still feel disappointing, but sometimes that's the way people's brains work, they have no real way of knowing that everyone else is doing the same thing. How do you know they give back to you because they "have to?" Maybe they give back to you because they always intended to and here you are at their door so why not. I do that. There are certain families that I know have come to me on Purims past so I prepare a MM for them and give it to them when they come. Usually by the time I go out I have just a handful of the kids' friends to visit, and two of my friends who live at the opposite end of town and probably don't come to me because they know I'm going to make my way to them eventually because I always do.


Yea I’m kind of like that. My theory is I don’t come to you you don’t come to me and none of us can be insulted.
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imasinger




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Feb 28 2018, 9:17 am
Maybe if people are giving to those who wouldn't think to come to them, they're giving to the wrong people?

Moods change as thoughts change. If we can focus on the act of giving where it will be appreciated, then it's much easier to feel good.

We give to kids' classmates and teachers, to those who might not have many people sending, and to our closest neighbors and friends. Zehu.

Popularity contests are for middle school.
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seeker




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Feb 28 2018, 9:23 am
seeker wrote:
Is it possible that people have learned that you will come to them anyway so they don't need to come to you? I hear how it would still feel disappointing, but sometimes that's the way people's brains work, they have no real way of knowing that everyone else is doing the same thing. How do you know they give back to you because they "have to?" Maybe they give back to you because they always intended to and here you are at their door so why not. I do that. There are certain families that I know have come to me on Purims past so I prepare a MM for them and give it to them when they come. Usually by the time I go out I have just a handful of the kids' friends to visit, and two of my friends who live at the opposite end of town and probably don't come to me because they know I'm going to make my way to them eventually because I always do.

Adding here that OP mentioned she moved to a different neighborhood than where her friends live, which is even more reason they probably wait for you to come to them instead of going out of their neighborhood to get to you. I never go beyond my neighborhood, but I know someone who does go out of their way to get to everyone and it's pretty much a given that those everyones just wait for them to come and aren't going to go out to their neighborhood.

Also, I'm not so clear on whether the "snobby neighbors" are included in the "everyone" that OP gives to or if she's just talking about her old friends. That would make a difference, even though surely it would be appropriate and neighborly for some of the locals to reach out first.
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amother




Beige


Post  Wed, Feb 28 2018, 9:25 am
I've found the opposite to be the case. I have neighbors who think they are so above me that if I say "Good Shabbos" to them they look away and pretend they didn't hear me.

Purim however is the one day a year they will talk to me.
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Momof14




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Feb 28 2018, 9:29 am
I think its so sad that you feel so alone. Your not alone you have us.mothers.please accept my electronic mishloac manos. And it's even very low calorie💜🙃💚
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mommyla




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Feb 28 2018, 9:34 am
DVOM wrote:
This is too sad, amother. I'm so sorry. In a huge frum community, it's so easy to get lost. I remember feeling this way when I first moved to Lakewood. For totally different reasons, this is going to be a very difficult Purim for me too, and although I normally love Purim I'm not really looking forward to it this year. Do you live in Lakewood or Brooklyn? We'll be in both places Purim day...Can me and my kids come to give you shalach manot on Purim? Nothing would bring me more joy!


If you're on my route, I'll stop at your house on Purim Very Happy

OP, like seeker said, could it be that people expect you to come so they don't put you on their dropoff list because they know you'll come anyway? I set out first thing after megillah (one of us will usually go to vasikin so that we can get an early start) and make it to most of my neighbors before they get out of the house, and often make it to friends who don't live in the neighborhood before they make it to our house.
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amother




Indigo


Post  Wed, Feb 28 2018, 10:48 am
It's really sad to be feeling this way and it's the opposite of what the mitzvah of mm is supposed to be.

I agree with the poster that we need to be more focused on giving than receiving but for many of us it's a work of a lifetime.

To OP, just know you're not alone and many of us know the pain of not getting the respect and appreciation of others. One suggestion I have is to go away for Purim. Maybe there's a community within an hour or so drive that has some Purim festivities and you can make that the focus of your day rather than the visitors who don't come. There are also organizations that arrange for families to visit old age homes or other people who may not get visitors on purim.

I have been where you are and I have reached a point (through hard work) where it matters less than it used to but I won't lie and say it doesn't matter at all. As I said it's the work of a lifetime.
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amother




Red


Post  Wed, Feb 28 2018, 10:56 am
We also moved within the past few years. I felt the same way as you last year. This year, we plan on going back to our old city for Purim. My parents live there and we'll spend the day at their house and give to our old friends and neighbors.

I think this might be a typical adjustment thing. The first few Purims in a new place are bound to be hard, until you have enough time to put down roots.
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amother




Ivory


Post  Wed, Feb 28 2018, 10:57 am
To clarify some points, the last two years we weren't able to start our rounds until very late and not a single person came to us during that time and many people were out for the meal when we got to them. My neighbors will go to the 2 houses on either side of me and skip my house. Some will shove one at me if I happen to physically bump into them. Some people literally say oh ummm and grab one when I arrive at their house leading me to believe I was not remotely on their radar. I don't expect people to go out of their way to give or deliver. But when you don't even get one delivered to your house it's depressing. It's not about it being a contest.
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amother




Peach


Post  Wed, Feb 28 2018, 11:06 am
amother wrote:
To clarify some points, the last two years we weren't able to start our rounds until very late and not a single person came to us during that time and many people were out for the meal when we got to them. My neighbors will go to the 2 houses on either side of me and skip my house. Some will shove one at me if I happen to physically bump into them. Some people literally say oh ummm and grab one when I arrive at their house leading me to believe I was not remotely on their radar. I don't expect people to go out of their way to give or deliver. But when you don't even get one delivered to your house it's depressing. It's not about it being a contest.


OP, that does sound very painful and hurtful. Do these neighbors acknowledge you during the rest of the year? Do you ever smile or make small talk as you pass each other?
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amother




Tangerine


Post  Wed, Feb 28 2018, 11:18 am
ok, op realize this is something I have to comment on even though I dont comment too often. I have a very nice block. and I live in lakewood. I am and was the only chasidish person that is on it. my dh davens in a chasidish minyan so he comes home later then the yeshivish minyan on my block. naturally my neighbors come earlier then me and I dont get to them before , and I feel bad every year. I cant go give mm before I heard megilla which my dh reads for me. our schedules are later then my yeshivish neighbors.

op realize that there is probably a reason. the reason my not make you feel better. but remember that there are different circumstances for everyone. and noone intentionally wants to hurt anyone.

if you were more friendly and make an effort you might get the reason why your always first.
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watergirl




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Feb 28 2018, 11:53 am
I’ve noticed a trend that more and more people dont deliver anymore. Or they just do their kids mm and will reciprocate to people who come to them. I’ve heard over and over again “purim isnt about making myself crazy so I dont go out anymore, people can come to me”. I’ve also noticed people making ice cream buffets or bbq or popcorn/cotton candy buffet type set ups and giving to people who come to them only. Seems to miss the mark even though I understand their logic.
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