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Forum -> Judaism
Spin Off in reverse- Children Hitting Parents
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 04 2018, 7:32 pm
I have watched my sibling hit my mother with an object and caused her an injury.
I just heard about someone I know well that is in his twenties and just hit his father because he couldn't handle watching his father talk down to his mother and treat her so badly.
Have any of you ever witnessed a child, whether small , teen or adult hit their parent?
I was very traumatized when I watched my sibling do this. I just saw my parent in a moment of zero control and it was very scary for me even though I was older than the sibling who hit my mother.
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 04 2018, 7:39 pm
I didnt open that thread because I can't read any details about 18 month olds being beaten. The title was dayanu.

It must be very traumatizing to watch this BDM. Both ways.

If a grown person hits, the person needs help. Regardless if the person is a child to the one being beaten or the parent to the one that's being beaten.
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naomi2




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 04 2018, 8:26 pm
Hitting a child on the hand is not "being beated" let's not confuse "not your style of chinuch" with "being abused".
As far as older children hitting parents, I have never witnessed that but that would scare me very much. That's very socially unacceptable and I would wonder about the mental health of the hitter.
That is the difference for me - what is acceptable in the society we live in. Because that definitely affects how you perceive the punishment and subsiquently how it affects you emotionally.
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SuperWify




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 04 2018, 8:28 pm
My SIL (12) warns her mom that she will report her if MIL hits her. That being said, she has no problem smacking my MIL.

Yes, both have serious dysfunctions.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 04 2018, 8:31 pm
naomi2 wrote:
Hitting a child on the hand is not "being beated" let's not confuse "not your style of chinuch" with "being abused".
As far as older children hitting parents, I have never witnessed that but that would scare me very much. That's very socially unacceptable and I would wonder about the mental health of the hitter.
That is the difference for me - what is acceptable in the society we live in. Because that definitely affects how you perceive the punishment and subsiquently how it affects you emotionally.

In both situations the children were suffering lots of emotional pain but for the most part both had severe anger towards their parent for different reasons. It even bothers me when I see a five year old smacking his mother and the mother doesn't react and just ignores.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 04 2018, 8:34 pm
SuperWify wrote:
My SIL (12) warns her mom that she will report her if MIL hits her. That being said, she has no problem smacking my MIL.

Yes, both have serious dysfunctions.

The crazy part is the 12 yr old can instill fear in the mother. This is what I've witnessed. So daughter will hit mother but mother will be reported if she hits daughter even in defense.
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SuperWify




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 04 2018, 8:35 pm
Bizzydizzymommy wrote:
In both situations the children were suffering lots of emotional pain but for the most part both had severe anger towards their parent for different reasons. It even bothers me when I see a five year old smacking his mother and the mother doesn't react and just ignores.

Do what do you do? Potch the child back? That will just teach him that hitting is ok. And bring you down to his level.

I think time-out and a strong word from Dad will do a better job.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 04 2018, 8:38 pm
SuperWify wrote:
Do what do you do? Potch the child back? That will just teach him that hitting is ok. And bring you down to his level.

I think time-out and a strong word from Dad will do a better job.

Maybe not potch. But stand up for Derech Eretz and respect. Hold the child's hands in a restraint if he can't control them. But DO something . Just letting the child smack is NOT ok.
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SuperWify




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 04 2018, 8:38 pm
Bizzydizzymommy wrote:
The crazy part is the 12 yr old can instill fear in the mother. This is what I've witnessed. So daughter will hit mother but mother will be reported if she hits daughter even in defense.

Yes my MIL (and the entire family) is terrified of her. If she doesn’t get what she wants (about 2-3 times a day) she raises h-ll. So everybody rushes to please her.

Result? The most ungrateful spoiled baby (tantrums, Morning milk bottle, pacy in bed etc), in the planet in the body of a 12 year old.

It all started from a lack of chinuch.
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SuperWify




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 04 2018, 8:41 pm
Bizzydizzymommy wrote:
Maybe not potch. But stand up for Derech Eretz and respect. Hold the child's hands in a restraint if he can't control them. But DO something . Just letting the child smack is NOT ok.

I did NOT say do nothing. I said do NOT potch back, but certainly, DO something.

Abusing your parents is certainly NOT ok.

Just because I don’t advocate for hitting a child, doesn’t mean I don’t believe in chinuch.
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tigerwife




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 04 2018, 8:46 pm
SuperWify wrote:
Yes my MIL (and the entire family) is terrified of her. If she doesn’t get what she wants (about 2-3 times a day) she raises h-ll. So everybody rushes to please her.

Result? The most ungrateful spoiled baby (tantrums, Morning milk bottle, pacy in bed etc), in the planet in the body of a 12 year old.

It all started from a lack of chinuch.


Oy. That is so disturbing. I hope there is a way she can be helped so that she can grow to be a normal adult.

I have only seen toddlers hit parents, usually during an out of control tantrum.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Sun, Mar 04 2018, 8:52 pm
people who hit parents, most likely were hit themselves. Where else would they learn this?
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 04 2018, 8:55 pm
amother wrote:
people who hit parents, most likely were hit themselves. Where else would they learn this?

No they weren't I was witness! The opposite ! These kids were never disciplined because their parents were afraid to do anything. At least in my family and this other person I know.
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naomi2




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 04 2018, 10:01 pm
SuperWify wrote:
Yes my MIL (and the entire family) is terrified of her. If she doesn’t get what she wants (about 2-3 times a day) she raises h-ll. So everybody rushes to please her.

Result? The most ungrateful spoiled baby (tantrums, Morning milk bottle, pacy in bed etc), in the planet in the body of a 12 year old.

It all started from a lack of chinuch.


I'm sorry but how could this be all from a lack of chinuch? A12 yr old with milk bottle, paciftiers and violent outbursts? This is severe dysfunction. Has this child been evaluated?
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Mommyg8




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 04 2018, 10:06 pm
amother wrote:
people who hit parents, most likely were hit themselves. Where else would they learn this?


Just the opposite! I have also seen children hit their mother, and the mother just sat there and did nothing. In my case, though, these were children around 8,9 or 10, not adults. b'h. And no, the children were not hit. They were barely even disciplined, where is where this behavior originated from, IMHO.

Where do children get bad middos? Yitzro shel adam ra mi'n'urav. In other words, the yetzer harah. When parents don't discipline, and let children run wild, this is what can happen.
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amother
Blush


 

Post Sun, Mar 04 2018, 10:24 pm
my 7 yr old will sometimes hit when she's really angry and feeling completely out of control. She gets held down so no we don't just sit there and tolerate being hit. Thankfully now that she's older she doesn't do it as often as she did it when she was younger. She'll realize afterwards that what she did was wrong and she's actually a very well behaved kind child otherwise. I think some kids are more prone to hitting when they are angry. I've seen an older child try to hit his mother as well. The mother stayed calm but didn't allow it. It needs to be dealt with but I wouldn't jump to say that such children aren't disciplined or hit because they are hit.
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 04 2018, 10:57 pm
Yeah yeah the popular horror story of parents being afraid of their out-of-control children who grew wild and monstrous because of a lack of chinuch.
Puhleez
That story is as old as the hills and completely untrue
I must say I almost bought it but then the truth hit me and I wrote this poem.
They tell me
To teach you
That respect
Means obeying without question
That authority is always right

They instruct me
To shield you
From the world
To not let any information
Pass that barrier
To brush off your questions
Lest you have more

They warn me
That if I fail to do so
If I so much as pause
In my vigilance
The results will be disastrous

And so
I teach you
That respect is kindness
and appreciation
I allow you to make choices
I freely admit to my mistakes

I allow you
To soak in your surroundings
Naturally without fear
I answer your questions
And when you have more
I welcome the opportunity
To give you knowledge

I am hoping
That as a result
You will learn to always question
That authority
Can be gravely wrong sometimes

I wish for you
To always be willing to learn
And to never be afraid
Of new information

I want for you
To always be
As wild and free
Untamed
As you are
Right now

I want your wings
To remain intact
So you can fly
And always remain
As Beautifully
Naturally
You
As you are
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 04 2018, 11:03 pm
And this
They would say to me
בייגן איז גרינג
ווען דאס ביימעלע איז יונג
And so they they tried bending me
Twisting me
Into the exact shape
They wanted me
But I was a tough little tree
So bruised and broken
I grew into my own shape

And you my sweet little sapling
I will never bend you
Won't allow anyone to twist you
Bruise your soft branches
I will water you with love
Until you are strong and tall
In the very shape
You were meant to be
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amother
Pewter


 

Post Sun, Mar 04 2018, 11:21 pm
I've seen it twice. In both cases it was a situation of severe mental illness in the child. Nothing to do with chinuch/discipline. Both families eventually sent the children for residential treatment.
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Mommyg8




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 04 2018, 11:24 pm
amother wrote:
I've seen it twice. In both cases it was a situation of severe mental illness in the child. Nothing to do with chinuch/discipline. Both families eventually sent the children for residential treatment.


Wow! How old were the children?

I have seen this way more than twice (but again, I've lived long enough to see a lot of things). None of the children I have seen who hit their parents had mental illness, and to be honest, as long as they were hitting their parents, and they weren't hitting me or my kids, it was NOMB. But these children were all under bar/bas mitzvah. If they were older, then I guess I would assume mental illness.
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