Son’s para using my money for lunch

amother

Brunette

Thu, Mar 08 2018, 2:40 pm

I wanted to get feedback on a situation I’m having, especially from moms whose children have support staff (paras, respite etc).
My son’s para often takes him out on outings. Sometimes the places have an entrance fee to get in and I pay for both my son and the para. No problem with that.

This is what is bothering me and I dont know if I’m wrong or right to feel this way. Sometimes I send some extra money for lunch for my son. So the para takes my son to a pizza store for example and not only buys food for my son, but also helps himself to my cash and orders food with it. I noticed this because I would barely get any change back and my son would tell me that the para also ordered food with the money I sent. This bothers me. I feel like the para should use his own money to buy himself lunch. He could also bring lunch from home for himself. When I am at work, my boss is not supplying me lunch. I get my own. It would not occur to me to use a private person’s money to buy myself lunch while I am on a job working with that persons child. Yet that is what this para is doing and I feel like he is over the line. If money wasn’t so tight maybe it wouldn’t bother me as much. But money is very tight. What are your thoughts on this?

Chayalle

Thu, Mar 08 2018, 2:43 pm

I don't have your situation, but I think if you send the para to buy pizza for your son, you should buy him pizza as well. It would feel kind of yucky to expect him to eat his peanut butter sandwich while giving your son a delicious, hot slice...

But maybe send less money, so that the budget is just for pizza. You don't have to treat him to something expensive if all your son is getting is a slice of pizza. Enough money for 2 slices, maybe a shared fries, and a drink, should do it.

naturalmom5

Thu, Mar 08 2018, 2:47 pm

This is one of those things ...

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy....

Technically, you are right and its an avla on the aid's part..

But if he is doing a good job and its only pizza , not 20$ for steak dinner, don't be so petty.. It may backfire...

amother

Navy

Thu, Mar 08 2018, 2:51 pm

I agree with OP completely! Para is getting paid to take your son to lunch, he can use his own money if he chooses to eat at the pizza store. Your son,s lunch time is NOT his para's lunch hour, it's his work time. Definitely only send enough money for your son's lunch next time.

Mevater

Thu, Mar 08 2018, 2:56 pm

Any chance you can pack a homemade lunch for your son and tell para to do the same, and let your son know that from now on if he is ok with your sandwich, he gets the money that would have been spent on pizza?

mha3484

Thu, Mar 08 2018, 2:57 pm

I will say this as the parent of a child that has some social difficulties I find modeling the behavior I want to see helps a lot. For example, we are currently working on table manners, how to eat neatly, use correct utensils, asking politely for what we want. Its a lot easier if I do the things that I want him to do. Its not effective when he eats by himself. Sometimes I need to serve dinner and nurse the baby or help another kid and he needs to eat alone. Those meals involve more nagging and general negativity. If my kid had a para who used meal times to work on skills I would buy pizza for everyone. It can really be beneficial.

Rubber Ducky

Thu, Mar 08 2018, 2:58 pm

If you want the para to take your son out for lunch, I think you should pay for it. Eating is a social activity.

Not quite the same but somewhat similar, if your boss asked you to take a client to lunch in a restaurant, the boss would be expected to pay for your lunch too. You would not expected to sit and watch the client eat, or bring your own pb&j sandwich to the restaurant.

happyone

Thu, Mar 08 2018, 2:58 pm

If you are uncomfortable having an honest conversation with the para, contact the agency that employs your para or your case manager . They shouldn't criticize him but rather reveiw guidelines . I know under comhab rules lunch would be covered for both as its a social opportunity with learning skills and can be a goal for your child. The para may be using it under same impression. Its probably different when he is a school para and his job are educational goals or medical (?) If they are heading out most stores don't allow food to be brought in, which would have your son eating alone and then his para eating his home brought sandwich at a later or earlier time . Just my thoughts.

Maya

Thu, Mar 08 2018, 3:33 pm

Rubber Ducky wrote:

I agree with this. Similar to if I was sending my kids out for food with a sitter, I'd pay for the sitter's food as well.

Rachel Shira

Thu, Mar 08 2018, 3:34 pm

I also hear both sides. Especially since money is tight. But I think the para isn’t doing anything wrong. I’ve babysat for families who had me take their kids to the pizza store and they always expected me to eat too. Maybe it’s different because you haven’t explicitly told him to buy food for himself, but if I were him I would assume that if there’s enough money for food for two people, that’s what it’s for. Of course, you’re entitled to either tell him that the money is just for your son, or send just enough.

amother

Wheat

Thu, Mar 08 2018, 3:56 pm

I think basic mentchlichkeit is that if he is taking your son out for lunch, he can buy lunch for himself also. Just like when I hire a babysitter for the evening, I leave snacks out for her. And if she's coming during dinnertime, then I consider it my obligation to provide her with dinner.

As a teen, I used to take a girl with physical disabilities out on Sunday afternoons. Whenever we went for ice cream, the mom gave money for both of us to get. It would have been weird for her to be eating by herself. The point of it was to be a social activity, where we sit and eat ice cream together and shmooze.

flowerpower

Thu, Mar 08 2018, 4:06 pm

amother wrote:

This.

When I was a behavioral para for a sn child I used to train him how to act in public. We went to pizza shops, ice cream stores, bakery etc. The mom always gave enough money for the both of us. Of course I had some menchlichkeit and never bought anything for myself. Most paras dont make much $ so they take up on your offer. What I suggest is sending them to places that are free like the library or park if money is tight. Those places are also social outings.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Mar 08 2018, 4:11 pm

OP, technically I can see that you have a point. On the other hand, I know a lot of people who give their cleaning help a nice lunch, so I sort of put it in that category.

If this para has a really good kesher with your son, I would say be grateful that you found someone who is a good fit. Send less money, but at least send enough for an extra slice.

Ruchel

Fri, Mar 09 2018, 7:55 am

Chayalle wrote:

What? No. Unless it's in the contract. My mom looked into it. The para is an adult there for the kid not a peer you mollify and take care of.

amother

Apricot

Fri, Mar 09 2018, 1:17 pm

There's a difference between lunch because the work hours include the time of day during which people eat, and lunch as actually a part of the job you're doing. It's generally understood that you're not responsible for lunch in the former situation. It's also generally understood that you do cover lunch in the latter situation. If a company employee is taking a client out to eat, the company pays for the employee's meal as well. If a babysitter is caring for kids during mealtime, she's entitled to partake of the same meal. So yes, if in the course of his duties the para is taking the child to an eating establishment, you should be paying for him to get something for himself (within reason). If you don't want to do that, skip the restaurant lunches and pack lunch for your son. Then you can expect the para to pack his own lunch.

ra_mom

Fri, Mar 09 2018, 1:22 pm

I think it's a communication issue.
While I believe that a caretaker's meal should be included as a courtesy when he takes a child to a restaurant as part of his duties, I find it strange that he would just charge his meal to the parent if it wasn't discussed ahead of time.
When you communicate, you can set up a plan, along with parameters, guidelines and expectations on both sides.

Chana Miriam S

Fri, Mar 09 2018, 3:58 pm

mha3484 wrote:

THIS.