Kids friends keep coming to us to play

amother

Natural

Mon, Mar 12 2018, 5:29 pm

I have kids that are 3 and 5 years old. They both love spending time with friends (in our house or theirs,) and the 5 year old especially asks for it basically every day. Until about 5 months ago, I have been struggling calling parents, trying to arrange play dates, and not all are interested. I assume they have older siblings which keep them busy enough that the parents don't feel the need for a play date unless it's Shabbos or Sunday. My children on the other hand want another kid to play with after school for each day of the week. (both my kids are home 2ish, so there is still ample time to get together in the afternoon.)

Fast forward to the past few months (5?). My kids befriended other kids in the neighborhood. So, I'm glad to have them over, but it seems that they are always coming to me. I let my children knock on the neighbors door (as they knock on ours without prearranging a play date) and all goes well, until they all come back to play at my place 15 minutes later and then stay for the remainder of the afternoon. If I send them back to play at the neighbor, ("you had a fun time here yesterday, how about you all play at YOUR house today?") They may go, and then show up again 15 min later! (I overhear the kids say "I don't like to play in my house, let's stay at yours." and although my child may push the subject, they just don't go. My child can't go without them!)

So 2 problems: I'm happy to host, but I'm also happy for my turn of a break!
and also, I feel responsible to watch the kids when they are in my care. I don't even know when my kid is outside, sometimes crossing a parking lot to get to the other persons house! (I cross my child when sending him to the friend.)
Are the parents of these children watching their kids? (and mine?) Do they think that I just don't mind watching their kids each afternoon for 1-2 hours and then cleaning up after them?
In my books, these kids are toddlers?!?

amother

Puce

Mon, Mar 12 2018, 5:41 pm

Are you in E"Y? That's my guess. First of all, you mention crossing parking lots, and also because you don't seem comfortable communicating with these mothers, which I'm assuming is because of the language barrier.
If this IS E"Y, then by now you know that things are much more "free" there than in America, and parents are less on top of their kids, for better or for worse.
I think you should be honored that kids like coming to your house, but because it's overwhelming and very imbalanced, I understand you're becoming resentful.
I think open communication with friends' parents is the way to go!
If you want nice, assertive ways to communicate, let us imas know; I am sure you'll get great suggestions!
(By the way, I would also communicate clearly and confidently with my child before friends come over, and then to D.C. And friend at playdate and talk about cleanup expectations.)

FranticFrummie

Mon, Mar 12 2018, 5:42 pm

Have you been to the home of the other family?

What does their house look like? Messy, cluttered, old and broken toys, bossy older sibllings? Your house may be a sanctuary!

When DD was about that age, we lived in a really tiny, run down house. She met a girl her age who lived around the block, and they had a HUGE, gorgeous home, a full playroom, with all the post popular and up to date toys. They also had a tree house in the back. How was I supposed to compete with that?

So, my kid was the one who was over there 24/7, and I know that there were times when DD drove the parents nuts, wondering why it always had to be at their house. I would have loved to have hosted the girls and have them help me bake cookies, but they had too much energy and needed room to run around.

Last edited by FranticFrummie on Mon, Mar 12 2018, 5:45 pm; edited 1 time in total

Jeanette

Mon, Mar 12 2018, 5:45 pm

Errr, yes, your kids are too young to be wandering from house to house without supervision. If the other mother is just letting them go and not even calling to tell you that they're on their way, she isn't supervising them properly.

If they were school age or older it's a different story. It's great when your house is the one that everyone wants to play in. That way you know exactly where your kids are and what they're doing with whom.

We don't live on a "frum" block and that's my only regret--my kids lose out 0n the camaraderie of running in and out of their friends homes.

amother

Pumpkin

Mon, Mar 12 2018, 5:47 pm

I had same thing last summer every single day and shabbos every afternoon. My husband would get so upset because he wouldn’t get any rest and I tried giving them nice hints but they wouldn’t get it so I finally ignored their knocks and bells few times and then when saw them on the street told them I’m very busy working from home long hours due to audit and then winter came and I honestly don’t like when kids just show up with out any arrangements in advance.

oliveoil

Mon, Mar 12 2018, 8:09 pm

amother wrote:

You can just say, "now's not a good time." No need to cower in fear from children knocking at your door.

Boca00

Mon, Mar 12 2018, 8:49 pm

Same problem here, I can totally relate! AARGHHH

One time these two kids knocked on the door and asked to come. I told them, "sorry, now is not a good time." To which they responded, "but our parents aren't home!" Turns out that their carpool dropped them off and their parents weren't home. Fine, I could deal with it once in a while.

But it's not once in a while! One of these kids is often knocking at my door after school and comes to play until his mother gets home. It's a terrible time for me, I'm juggling supper and homework and I got home not much earlier myself.
This is with no prior arrangements from the parents.

This Sunday, one mother asked me to watch her baby while she ran out. I said sure. Then she drops off her other kid as well, telling me, "Chavi will help babysit." Umm, ok, but she is 3 and I never agreed to watch her...

Also just this Sunday, one guy knocked on my door and my 2 year old opened it. He walked into my living room and asked if I could watch his kid for a little while because he had to run out.

Why am I becoming the building babysitter???!!! Mind you, I almost NEVER ask any of these people to watch my kids and they never invite them over. "My kid just prefers to play by you!"

Rant over.

Sorry, OP, no advice but I do empathize...

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Mar 13 2018, 11:17 am

Sometimes its just dynamics.

I wish the kids would play here. Ours is more of a quiet house, and my kids tend to play at neighbors. We also don't have as beautiful of a home, less spacious, and less toys. Of course, we have plenty! and probably a lot of the same stuff! But I guess they don't get so much of their own space and have to share it.

My daughter used to play at a neighbors house all the time when she was younger, and I said she should play at our house, but the friend didn't want to do anything except go back to her house. We were quite welcoming I assure you, but she was just more comfortable in her own place. It changes eventually. Now she doesn't go there at all!

amother

Natural

Tue, Mar 13 2018, 9:15 pm

OP here. Thanks everyone for your responses. Comforting to hear that there are others in the same boat. It’s not good to be at either extreme- too many friends over or too few. I don’t have a problem telling children that it isn’t a good time. I want my child to play with them, but not always under my supervision! I think the best advice is to arrange in advance with the parent. This way, I can confirm with her that the kids will be watched.
I would like to clarify that I am very grateful to Hashem that my kids have become ‘popular’ and wouldn’t wish otherwise. Yet I still struggle with the fact that kids are constantly going in/out of the house. I have to keep locking the door so my youngest won’t escape, all the while trying to cook supper and mainstain a sane, not out of control messy home🙂.

Anybody want to take turn play date with me?😉

And btw, I’m in Lakewood. But your theory is technically correct because of the close living.... makes it like a bungalow colony.

flowerpower

Tue, Mar 13 2018, 9:20 pm

amother wrote:

I thought it was Lakewood right away! I was right! I honestly don't understand certain parents. Your neighbor is not your 24 hour sitter. I had one neighbor like that. They always came. When my kids went to them they gave the craziest excuses. After a few long years I put my foot down.

Chayalle

Wed, Mar 14 2018, 7:46 am

Boca00 wrote:

I had a very similar situation when my oldest started Primary (she's 19 now). There was a family in the neighborhood whose mother worked till late, and seems their plan for their kids (primary and first grade) was to go to a neighbor when they came home from school.

Officially they were supposed to go home when an older sibling came home, but that older sibling wasn't that interested in babysitting, so more often than not they would show up at my door and stay until bedtime! The older sibling would go out to her friends, or not answer the phone and pretend not to be home.

I finally had to put my foot down, and told them that their kids can not show up at my door. I was juggling supper and bedtime, and feeding two extra kids on a daily basis was not part of my plan. Also, I work full time, and sometimes had appointments and errands to run at that time. I told them that their kids can only come if it is pre-arranged, and that they must have after-school arrangements for their kids.

Guy showing up to drop his kid by you shock

Chayalle

Wed, Mar 14 2018, 7:53 am

amother wrote:

I was the neighborhood hangout for years, but I did set some ironclad rules to make it work. Firstly, no friends before x o'clock. That number varied between summer and winter, but before a certain hour, our kids had to play quietly with each other or read, rest, etc..so that DH and I could recharge.

Secondly, I was not a drop stop. That is, I was happy for the neighborhood kids to play at our home and I even provided Shabbos party, etc...but you can't just drop off kids at my house that are not playing with my kids. I had a neighbor who tried to drop of her 4 year old son to play with my 8 year old daughter. No go. She was not interested in playing with him. I also need my Shabbos rest, and am not the neighborhood babysitter.

Thirdly, I expected everyone to keep house rules and clean up after themselves.

Fourth - if I ever encountered bad middos or language, those kids were no longer welcome. My kids were no longer available, or it wasn't a good time, when they came.