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My son is struggling so much and it breaks my heart (LONG)
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amother
Ecru


 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 1:03 am
Let me preface by saying that I know my son has his issues. I'm not pretending he doesn't. But I'm looking for HELP hear, and advice. Please, please, please don't bash. My heart can't take it...

My oldest son is almost 7. Since starting formal schooling, the staff have noted "issues" that needed addressing. In preschool he was referred for OT; in kindergarten, for social skills. I dutifully took him to therapy weekly in order to help him.

Last year and this year, his teachers have pointed out that he has trouble controlling his anger. He is a highly intelligent, highly sensitive kid, and he was easily triggered. Again, I took him to weekly therapy, as per the school's suggestion, trying my best to help him. While the progress has been slow, there definitely has been some improvement. He's trying really hard.

However, in the last month, things have gone from manageable to out-of-control. A boy in his class began picking on him, teasing him and taunting him, and he took those comments very seriously. I'm pretty sure it counts as bullying. Also, he's not super athletic and doesn't enjoy playing sports at recess, so the recess Morah has been on his case. The other kids tease him during recess and try to make him angry because they know he reacts strongly.

Lately, the school has been calling me to pick up my son and bring him home whenever they don't want to deal with his behavior. They blame him for fighting with the other boys, when he has actually been trying to defend himself. The principal is extremely unprofessional and does not want to deal with my son.

In therapy, we were trying to teach him to stop dealing with his mean classmates and find a safe adult, but that's turning out to be impossible. One recess rebbi is known to be extremely uncaring, and his own rebbi doesn't want to watch him during recess because that's his break time. He has no one safe to turn to in school, and it's causing him to act out.

He used to love school and his rebbi, but now he barely wants to go. My therapist keeps telling me to switch schools, but I live OOT and our choices are severely limited. Furthermore, I don't know how much of this is the school's problem and how much of it is DS's, I.e. that will continue no matter what school he's in.

Recently, his therapist when down to observe him twice. She noted that recess is a mess, and that his rebbi is unsympathetic towards him during class. She is afraid he may become clinically depressed, and that frightens me to my wit's end. She keeps stressing how terrible this school is.

Now...for specific questions...
1. How do I know if my therapist is doing a good job, or leading me down a path that is too extreme? She has completed all her hours and is almost licensed, and she is working with a licensed supervisor very closely. (She's all I can afford now, as I have been taking him weekly for the last 2 years.)

2. How do I know if it's the school or my son?

3. Do you recommend any parenting books for me? I feel so lost.

Any support or advice would be extremely appreciated.
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amother
Red


 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 1:36 am
I hav a 7yr old struggling as well and I can relate to your pain and quandary. You should do more research on the yeshiva. It's normal to have a rebbe that just doesn't work out one yr and although unpleasant it can be ok ( if u guide ur son thru that) as long as next yrs rebbe and most rebbeim are going to be a positive for your son. In my son's case most of the rebbeim are terrific so we want to keep him as is. If you arent sure that in general the yeshiva can provide a safe and positiv experience for your son you need to seriously look into other options. They may be not as yeshivish or dif than your standards but no child will become successful when put down like that. Self esteem comes above all. If you can ask a gadol perhaps r shmuel kaminetzky that may make u feel calmer about your decisions.
P.s. I would take what the therapist says w a grain of salt... Speak to other parents w older children etc
And daven!!!
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flmommy




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 3:49 am
Listen to the therapist. She is trained and not as emotionally involved. She is backing up what you son is saying, the school is not a good fit. Look into other options maybe even possibly public school. Sounds like your son needs a small class. A boy not being athletic is honestly hard enough with his other issues it sounds like he has it very rough. The fear with public school is that your child won’t be frum but if your child is miserable, doesn’t connect with his Rabbis and has no friends that will more likely not keep him frum. If there IS another Jewish school obviously that would be preferable. BH your son is young and you are getting him the help he needs. In the current school would the school allow him to sit out recess for now and read a book or do a different activity?
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 6:27 am
Just reading that story makes my heart break. It is clearly not a good place for your child. Recess tends to be a balagan everywhere, but there should always be a trusted adult. If his teacher is already unsympathetic and your son is already being picked on and the school isn't effectively dealing with it, how can you possibly leave him?
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Shoshana37




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 6:39 am
My heart is breaking for your kid and I’m with therapist. Take him out or you will be dealing with OTD teenager.
Unfortunately many Yeshiva teachers and Rabbi's wants only specific perfectly shaped students 😬 these Yeshiva’s make me so mad then they wonder why so many teens are going OTD....

You are amazing mom and do what is best for your child. Good luck.
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 6:42 am
As a mother of several children with various minor issues, I've seen my children struggle in different mainstream frum schools. I think that running from 1 therapy to another is not the solution. My suggestion is getting your son a good neuropsych evaluation (very expensive but necessary) to know exactly what is causing your son's challenges.
Unfortunately many yeshivos are not willing/capable to deal with these challenges. Living in a frum community with several school options I chose to send my son to a public school where he is nurtured and his specific challenges are being addressed. Being put-down, teased, and punished continuously will ruin him forever. Please change his school if he is experiencing that but be sure the second school is capable of meeting his needs in a positive way.
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amother
Beige


 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 6:55 am
I had the same problem with bullying and the rebbi didnt supervise the class. My son had no adult to back him up. The principal and rebbi gave no support. Your son has behavioral challenges besides the bullying issue but the bullying issue will and is making his behavior worse. In my sons school I made a big deal so they ended up blaming my son for everything until thry kicked him out. He had no school to go to. But bh in the end he got into another school where the kids were nicer and the new school had more structure and discipline.

I hate it how very frum schools like my son went to, allow bullying and dont supervise enough. At this point, u said the school always calls u to pick him up, so hes missing a lot of school anyway. He needs a new school. How do u know they wont kick him out??
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SingALong




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 7:29 am
I recall one poster years ago writing how her son had difficulties in school and also had limited options for schooling in her area. So she decided to homeschool this child.

Would that be an option for you? Not forever but maybe until he can handle his aggressive behavior better? (Although from what you saying I’m getting the feeling that a lot of his anger and aggression may be a result of his toxic environment right now, the bullying, no adult to turn to so feels in safe, etc. could be once he’s out of that some of those behaviors will melt away gradually on their own)

I’ve never done homeschool myself but I remember admiring that person that wrote about how she did it. I know there are online schools from chabad available. For Torah learning skills you may need to hire your own tutor but can probably swing English subjects on your own. (I have 1 kid struggling in school so I seriously thought about it for awhile but then bh things got better). I wonder how many therapies you would still need with a homeschool set up.

Another thing to add what another poster mentioned above that going to several therapies can be way too taxing on a child. I do a skill building therapy and used to treat kids in school. Occasionally a kid was going out of class 3-4 times a day.! They lacked the continuity of the classroom learning. Maybe speak to the principal and pick a priority therapy that’s you should focus on and just do that. Other skills you can address the following year when priority issue is handled. ( I did that with 1 kid that was struggling in several areas. I called the principal and told her I want you to pick a priority and she was happy to do that. It worked wonderfully)
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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 7:49 am
Oy, it broke my heart to read your post Crying . To me, a school that will not make a real effort to deal with bullying is not a school I want my children in. There is obviously a major middos component lacking in their approach to chinuch. Anyone who can be so cold towards a child a pain does not belong in that field. If it were me I would seriously consider either other local options, or moving (this summer). Now that you have an understanding of your child's needs you can specifically look for a school that would be a good fit for him, not just "a good school."
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 7:59 am
I can so relate to your story and your pain!

1. Begin with a diagnosis. This is an absolute must, because a) you want to be sure you are treating his issues as effectively as possible; b) you may qualify for financial help via insurance or public resources if he receives one; and c) there may be medication that can help him control his outbursts.

It will also point you towards online groups where you can find further chizuk and help.

2. From your description, the school sounds toxic.for your child. There is a reason Mishlei says "chanoch l'na'ar al pi darko." Not every school is right for every child. I know this well. With my set of quirky kids, I have hardly ever had any 2 in the same school at the same time, and living OOT, that means a LOT of driving!

Facts from your post:

- FACT. Your DS is being bullied.

- FACT. By having you pick him up early, rather than addressing the underlying issues, they are not providing your DS with a full day's education.

- FACT. He used to love school, and now doesn't want to go.

- FACT. He has not been able to find a safe adult to help him navigate recess.

- FACT. The therapist describes him as demonstrating behaviors consistent with risk of depression.

You can bring this list to any doctor or therapist you like. I'd be very surprised if they would see this list and then say your current therapist is calling it wrong.

3. So, outside of getting a diagnosis, what can you do?

- You asked for further reading. Try "Parenting the Difficult Child; The Nurtured Heart Approach", by Howard Glasser. "The Explosive Child", by Ross Greene. And "The Behavior Code", by Jessica Minihan. All three are absolutely essential, and the last should be required reading for anyone involved in his schooling, as well as by you.

"Quirky Kids", by Perri Klass, and "The Out of Sync Child", by Carol Kranowitz, are good, too.

- Ask your DS's therapist to help you find a parenting class geared towards parents of kids like yours. You'll find support, understanding, and practical help.

- Start looking into social skills classes for your DS. Find out if there are any therapeutic summer camps that address social skills. (My DS with issues did very well for a few years at a therapeutic social skills camp where he was the only frum kid. We asked and found out we qualified for state funding to pay for the program. They were very respectful, and helped him with everything he needed. And now, he is ready to move on to a regular camp, and fit right in.)

- Look very VERY seriously at all the options you have for his education. Include home schooling and public school on the list. Include all the pros and cons, short term and long term, of each choice. Then, you, DH, DS, and therapist, sit down and explore all options.

I'm glad you are taking all this seriously. It's a matter of Pikuach nefesh, because right now, your DS is drowning.

Please feel free to pm me to discuss further.

Hugs and hatzlacha!
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 8:12 am
Oy I can relate. I have a 10 year old with social issues too, similar but a little different.
I try as hard as I can to build him up and give him things around the house he can do to feel good about himself. It helps but he gets so much negative from so many people around him siblings included. I always daven for him.
One suggestion that may work for you is finding an older boy in his school that maybe can help him and be his buddy. Sometimes that can help with bullying and help his social status too.
Also if you can send him with some cool stuff to school that can help his social status.
Also if you can just happen to become friends or at least more friendly to other boys mothers in his class that can help too.
Try fostering friendship for him with other boys not during school.
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Laiya




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 9:03 am
OP, I agree with the great advice you got here. I just wanted to address 1 thing. You say he's being taunted, and he reacts poorly and has a temper.

You said he's working on these issues in therapy. I wanted to suggest considering karate lessons to help build inner confidence and control his temper.

Karate lessons were very helpful for 1 of my sons. They gave him confidence in his ability to defend himself. Because of the confidence, actually defending himself never became necessary. He did not have to work to stay calm and not react; he felt calm because of his inner confidence.

When an older boy threatened to beat him up (for defending a younger boy), ds calmly looked the older boy in the eye and asked, "Do you really think that's a good idea?" The boy turned and walked away.

Hatzlocha
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anonymrs




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 11:12 am
imasinger wrote:
I can so relate to your story and your pain!

1. Begin with a diagnosis. This is an absolute must, because a) you want to be sure you are treating his issues as effectively as possible; b) you may qualify for financial help via insurance or public resources if he receives one; and c) there may be medication that can help him control his outbursts.

It will also point you towards online groups where you can find further chizuk and help.

2. From your description, the school sounds toxic.for your child. There is a reason Mishlei says "chanoch l'na'ar al pi darko." Not every school is right for every child. I know this well. With my set of quirky kids, I have hardly ever had any 2 in the same school at the same time, and living OOT, that means a LOT of driving!

Facts from your post:

- FACT. Your DS is being bullied.

- FACT. By having you pick him up early, rather than addressing the underlying issues, they are not providing your DS with a full day's education.

- FACT. He used to love school, and now doesn't want to go.

- FACT. He has not been able to find a safe adult to help him navigate recess.

- FACT. The therapist describes him as demonstrating behaviors consistent with risk of depression.

You can bring this list to any doctor or therapist you like. I'd be very surprised if they would see this list and then say your current therapist is calling it wrong.

3. So, outside of getting a diagnosis, what can you do?

- You asked for further reading. Try "Parenting the Difficult Child; The Nurtured Heart Approach", by Howard Glasser. "The Explosive Child", by Ross Greene. And "The Behavior Code", by Jessica Minihan. All three are absolutely essential, and the last should be required reading for anyone involved in his schooling, as well as by you.

"Quirky Kids", by Perri Klass, and "The Out of Sync Child", by Carol Kranowitz, are good, too.

- Ask your DS's therapist to help you find a parenting class geared towards parents of kids like yours. You'll find support, understanding, and practical help.

- Start looking into social skills classes for your DS. Find out if there are any therapeutic summer camps that address social skills. (My DS with issues did very well for a few years at a therapeutic social skills camp where he was the only frum kid. We asked and found out we qualified for state funding to pay for the program. They were very respectful, and helped him with everything he needed. And now, he is ready to move on to a regular camp, and fit right in.)

- Look very VERY seriously at all the options you have for his education. Include home schooling and public school on the list. Include all the pros and cons, short term and long term, of each choice. Then, you, DH, DS, and therapist, sit down and explore all options.

I'm glad you are taking all this seriously. It's a matter of Pikuach nefesh, because right now, your DS is drowning.

Please feel free to pm me to discuss further.

Hugs and hatzlacha!


All of this.

Can I also add the book Bullies 2 Buddies? I have found it very helpful for empowering kids who are being bullied.
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musicmom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 11:49 am
First of all,

applaud your son's progress. The fact that he is able to talk to you and a therapist is major.

Make a book of all the times he does control himself, and begin to focus more on the positive at home.

Unfortunately, many schools have a policy toward no violence, even if it is "self-defence".

I am a public school teacher in an inner city. One time, for example, a girl blocked another girl from opening the door to exit the instrument closet. She then called the other girl names and her mother names (thot, which is a ho). This girl went up to the other girl and grabbed her hair and spit on her face. The other girl fought back and was suspended from school. I spoke to the principal that this girl was defending herself, but she said the school policy is that any violence is unacceptable.

What is acceptable is to formulate an escape plan or a way for your son to tell the teacher. Perhaps there is another classroom he can go to to "cool off" or sit in the hallway outside his classroom, even take an extra trip to the water fountain, and decide if he will tell teacher in a notebook, or in person, and know that the teacher will take care of the situation.

I think if you sit down with the school and make a communication plan for how your son can communicate with the teacher, and how the teacher can help, the situation will become manageable.

As for home, he is trouble all the time at school, so keep building him up and praising any progress. Look for the traits you want to see in your son and praise him any time he demonstrates them. The school has your son all day long and things are not fully successful, but I think they can be fixed. You can even go through scenarios at school with puppets and plan better behaviors in advance.

Good luck!
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musicmom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 11:55 am
I don't think you need to switch schools, have a meeting with the principal, and find out how you will be notified that your son's needs are being addressed. If he writes them down and shows the teacher, send a note or email every day asking how those needs were addressed. There are two parts to this equation, and if your son is going to do his part and control his anger, then hold the school accountable for their part.

I agree with others that karate and a class buddy sound like good ideas. I have seen class buddies really work out- something like a friend or a big sister guiding a lost boy. I see students really listen to their peers, and some students from large families are used to looking out for each other. Maybe the school could help to set this up.

Again good luck!
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 1:30 pm
In my experience, if you ask a teacher to do anything that is even the slightest inconvenience for them, any accommodation at all, they will kick your kid out. This is especially true if your family is not a big name / big donor.

Public school was only slightly better because she got one on one and social skills, but in general the kids were wild, and DD was often blamed for defending herself.

My 14yo DD is totally OTD now, thanks in large part to the Jewish school system. I am home schooling her for the rest of high school.
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Inspire




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 1:31 pm
IMHO the key words in your post were "highly intelligent" and "highly sensitive" . See sengifted.org
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Miri7




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 3:29 pm
Your school has demonstrated that they lack the will and resources to provide a safe environment for you child. He deserves and needs that and should be in a place where the adults are committed to his success.

My best friends son sounds similar to yours. He had a miserable couple of years in our school. She put him in public school and it has been amazing. (We live OOT so Jewish options are limited.) He’s such a happy, bright child now. While he still has his own issues, he has gotten so much support and made so much progress so fast.

They are supplementing his Jewish education with private tutoring, chevruta learning with his dad, and other Jewish social groups. It has been amazing to see his transformation now that he’s in a school environment where the adults really work to understand and support him.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and wish you and your DS a lot of luck!!!
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kjb




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 3:55 pm
Your child believes that his main problem at school is bullying. You believe that your child's main problem at school is bullying and that the school is failing to deal with this bullying. Your therapist, who has observed whats going on, believes your child's main problem is bullying, that the school is failing to deal with this bullying, and that his rebbe treats him negatively. The school believes that the main problem is your child.

I know which view I'd go with.
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 4:11 pm
I have a child that struggles socially. Baruch Hashem x1000 his yeshiva works with him and he gets the help he needs but the downside is that my husband would love to move back to a community nearer his parents or even somewhere that has a lower cost of living but we know that the schools cant handle any kids with challenges so we are staying where we live even if he hates the winter and its more expensive. I owe it to my child to get the best education for his needs.

I think public school in theory sounds good but for a child with weak social skills, it will be very hard to make and maintain friendships when the whole class is participating in events on shabbos that he cant go to such as parties, play dates or organized sports. Kashrus will be hard too. I feel like people think public school is all flowers and candy for kids who are struggling in a jewish day school but it comes with a host of difficulties that you have to be realistic about.
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