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My son is struggling so much and it breaks my heart (LONG)
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amother
Pumpkin


 

Post Sat, Mar 17 2018, 6:14 pm
I had problems similar to your son when I was that age. I was highly sensitive and highly intelligent as well. I was being teased and made fun of and excluded (the real bullying didn't start until later). The teachers weren't helpful or sympathetic about how the other kids were treating me. And the teacher was really not nice to me in class. In first grade, at the ripe young age of second, I became clinically depressed.

You say you aren't sure whether it's your son or the school. The safest bet is to assume both have some issues. To proceed from there, there are 3 main things to consider:

- Your son sounds like he has some issues, the magnitude of which is hard to understand from an online post, so no comment there. The fact that he's getting into physical fights is concerning, whether he starts them or is defending himself. More importantly than his issues though, you are doing what you can to help your son's issues (and I am very impressed with your getting him so many therapies etc!).

- As far as the school, it sounds like the school is not doing anything to deal with problems that happen there, they are just throwing it back on you every time (from take him to OT, take him to social skills, take him to anger management, all the way to come pick him up all the time). These things aren't necessarily wrong by themselves (and are often right), but really, a good measure of whether the school is dealing with their problems rather than making you deal with their problems, is how they are handling the other boys involved - do they also get sent home for fighting (physical fights involve 2 people)? Are the other boys who are consistently provoking other students with teasing etc also recommend for social skills or therapy? And the best measure of the school - Do they have a zero violence policy? A zero bullying policy? Do they have clear and consistent written guidelines or policies on how to deal with bullying, fighting, behavioral problems, etc? Ask them. Lastly, repeat teasing by same kids is bullying - so be sure for yourself that it's bullying. Make sure that you make it clear to the school that your son is being bullied and ask them what they are doing to ensure that no bullying takes place in their school.

- But even if the school itself is ok and it's your son's problems, or even if it's not your son but the school has problems, there is a third factor - whether the school is a bad fit for your son. And from what you write, it is a bad fit. So it is irrelevant on some level as to whether the school is really bad or not, because it sounds like he is headed for depression, his social interactions are getting worse, and he has no trusted adults. From a previously depressed 7 year old, you need to take him out.

Now, even if you take him out, yes, he will probably continue to have some problems in a different school. Taking him out won't fix his underlying problems (maybe if you're lucky it will help some of his behavior). But taking him out will allow you to put him in a supportive environment. There is no way his own problems are going to be able to helped if his environment is making him suffer. You aren't taking him out to fix his anger or sensitivity, you are taking him out to put him in a less triggering environment and an environment that has people who care - adults and children. This will enable him to deal with his own problems. Notably, you need to find a school that has a clear guidelines on handling bullying, violence, and other similar issues.

A few more things you can do to help him:
- Karate classes absolutely! It helped me so much. The first and most important thing they teach in karate is that you should never fight. It's also helpful for self-control, motor skills (if he's been in OT, it's a good direction), releases pent up emotions in a physical manner, learning how to keep calm in general, and how to think under stress. If he likes it and becomes even somewhat good at it, it will help his self-esteem too. And it will also provide an alternative social setting for your son, which can only help.
- This may sound a little unconventional, but he may benefit from learning card tricks or magic tricks, so try to get him interested in magic. If you can distract your foes with something interesting, there will be less time left to tease or fight. And it will probably draw some of the more neutral kids towards him, which may by proxy keep some of the meaner kids away. But, first find out if your son's school allows him to bring cards or games from home to recess - if not, this won't help.
- He should be evaluated by a neurologist or neuropsychologist. Turns out I had undiagnosed ADHD and dyspraxia, which was the source of some, but not all, of my problems. Please have your son evaluated even if it's not immediately obvious that those are the problems, and even if he's been evaluated before. I was evaluated before first grade and after and you'd never know it was the same child from reading the reports.
- Try to have him make friends with more kids in the class with one-on-one play dates at home. The more friends he has at recess, the less likely the other kids are to bother him. It will help his self esteem too, which will help some of his behaviors.
- Can you set up a meeting with the principal, rebbi, you / your spouse if relevant, and your son's therapist all together? Since the school recommended therapy in the first place, tell them it's a follow up meeting for that. And tell them it's a brainstorming meeting to figure out better ways of handling your son's behavior in and out of school, you don't want to put them on the defensive before you even start, so make it sound like the meeting is to help them too.

And if you are interested in what happened to me as a depressed 7 year old, who stayed in the school I was in, let me know and I can post more of my story. But it has affected the rest of my life, and your son's mental and emotional health have to come before anything and everything else. There's no basis for a healthy life without that.
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Sat, Mar 17 2018, 8:37 pm
I want to tell you that there is light to the end of the tunnel. I have experienced this and b'h have a happy and healthy and brilliant 11 year old that is doing well and still struggles socially, but he has enough social skills that the kids don't make fun of him.Your job now is to make sure that your child's self esteem stays intact even if it means pulling out of school or other drastic behavior. No choices in life are perfect. So even pulling is definitely not a perfect choice. But sometimes you have to do what is better than the other choices. Your child has to know that the adults in his life have his best interests in mind.

I pulled when my son was being bullied and the hanhala blamed my child. Best decision I ever made.
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