Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Inquiries & Offers -> Israel related Inquiries & Aliyah Questions
Have you" forced" your spouse to move??
1  2  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
Aqua


 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 1:05 pm
I really don't want to get to the point of "forcing" my husband to move to Israel, but I really don't see the point of staying here. He has a job that he likes, but he works 12 hours a day plus he works also at home when he's home. It affected our marriage/family...it's like all he thinks about is work. I grew up in Israel and most of my family live there. I think my kids would also have a better life over there. It's much different than living in NY. It could be that this winter has been making me feel more lonely and depressed, but I really don't see the point of staying. We're still paying loans, bills and school tuition that will not get any better. We're in a tiny apartment and most likely will not be able to move. I'm more zionist than my husband. I know it would be difficult to find jobs, but it takes time and dedication. My parents and many olim managed. Yes, our income might be less over there, but I believe the quality of life will be better. I've been patient with him. When we got married, he wanted to move, than he changed his mind (I guess the job). Now I'm pushing back more of the Israel topic... I don't want him to be unhappy in Israel... but how can I convince him? I mean, he needs to move with a positive mind set so we can all be happy. This is so difficult Crying
Back to top

amother
Cobalt


 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 1:08 pm
I moved for my
Husband but it wasn’t to israel.
Back to top

amother
Aqua


 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 1:14 pm
amother wrote:
I moved for my
Husband but it wasn’t to israel.


And were you happy in the end with the move?

My sister-in-law is also willing to move to Israel for her husband. And her family is all over here and she has a good job but she's willing to move for him.
Me on the other hand, we're not in a good financial situation and I'm not happy here. I know it doesn't mean I'd be happy there, but I feel like we need a whole new chapter in our life.
Back to top

amother
Azure


 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 1:19 pm
Sounds like a disaster to me. If you hate your dh working so much now, he will have to work even harder there and for less pay. How does that improve your quality of life? I would be very upset with my dh if he kept pressuring me to make a move I didn't want.
Back to top

imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 2:02 pm
No one forces anyone to do anything in my marriage.
Back to top

amother
Pink


 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 2:41 pm
Not force, more like persuade, but my situation was completely different. My husband was gone weekly all week for business, and I was home with a little kid and expecting. As I got further along, I wanted to live closer to my parents. It took a few months of calm persuasion, but I got there in the end.
Back to top

doctorima




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 2:47 pm
I understand your frustration, but "forcing" (your word) to make such a major life decision with so many ramifications is not likely to end well.
Back to top

heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 2:50 pm
You sound depressed and feel that you need a change. Moving to Israel for those reasons is a big mistake. Life is harder here. The financial situation is ridiculous. A lot of olim keep their jobs in America and commute once a month (or even every other week). If anything, your life will get harder. Not easier.
Back to top

FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 2:50 pm
OP, you're only going to make progress if you approach it with reason and logic. You have to convince him in clear, practical grounds, not Zionistic idealism.

If your DH loves his job and gets a sense of satisfaction from it, that is going to be hard. Men define themselves by what they DO. It' their whole sense of identity. That's why they get so incredibly depressed when they lose a job. Men fall apart, while we just dust ourselves off and keep looking.

If you can pry him away from his job, look at what you are spending on tuition and health care. Those are the places where you will be saving money in Israel. Balance that with a realistic look at the job market, and keep in mind what I just said about a job being a man's identity. It needs to be a job that fulfils him, not just something that pays the bills.

You may be happy to live in a caravan in the Shomron, but DH is the other half of the family, and he needs to be a part of the equation. I can guarantee you that if you move here and he's miserable, you will all be miserable sooner or later.

The divorce rate among new Olim is astronomical. If you can make it the first 3 years without breaking up, then you can consider yourselves having a successful Aliyah.
Back to top

Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 2:55 pm
My brother was introduced to my SIL, who grew up and was living in Israel, by SIL's cousin and friend of my brother's. She was visiting the US, and they met/dated but it didn't go anywhere at that time - my brother was not ready to commit to living in Israel, and SIL didn't plan on living anywhere else.

About a year later, my brother visited Israel, and met my SIL on the street! (met meaning they bumped into each other, smiled, but didn't say much else....) SIL called cousin who called my brother, asked him if he would date her again...he brought up the Israel issue. At that point, SIL asked my brother if he would live in Israel for two years; if it doesn't work for them, she would agree to move to the US.

That was 20 years ago....they are still living in Israel, and he's very happy there.

I don't think anyone should be "forced" into it. A trial period might make more sense....
Back to top

Bluesky 1




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 2:55 pm
Your having problems in your marriage and now you want to add more to it? Gosh why are you creating problems if you already do

No one should force a spouse to do anything.!! He's not your son.

Op you have such chutzpah. You are clearly disrespectful and it shows in your post. Being disrespectful doesn't give you a better chance at anything.

Go to marriage counseling and work on your marriage. The biggest gift to yourself and children. They are more important then your siblings and parents
Back to top

amother
Aqua


 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 2:59 pm
heidi wrote:
You sound depressed and feel that you need a change. Moving to Israel for those reasons is a big mistake. Life is harder here. The financial situation is ridiculous. A lot of olim keep their jobs in America and commute once a month (or even every other week). If anything, your life will get harder. Not easier.


I am depressed. I think part of it that I'm alone in the big city. My parents and sister live in Israel and I know they'd be helping me there, so it's not like I'd be moving to a different country completely alone, but I know it can still be difficult.
Back to top

amother
Aqua


 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 3:01 pm
doctorima wrote:
I understand your frustration, but "forcing" (your word) to make such a major life decision with so many ramifications is not likely to end well.


You're right, that wasn't the right word. I'm trying to persuade him. I've been trying for the last year or so. I love Israel but if my husband doesn't want to move, I have to of course accept it. But the problem is that we're not doing good here and I'm not happy.
Back to top

FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 3:05 pm
Bluesky 1 wrote:
Your having problems in your marriage and now you want to add more to it? Gosh why are you creating problems if you already do

No one should force a spouse to do anything.!! He's not your son.

Op you have such chutzpah. You are clearly disrespectful and it shows in your post. Being disrespectful doesn't give you a better chance at anything.

Go to marriage counseling and work on your marriage. The biggest gift to yourself and children. They are more important then your siblings and parents


You are coming across as a bit mean and harsh. There's nothing wrong with being idealistic and wanting to live in Israel. While I agree that OP and DH should probably work it out in counseling and be on the same page before they make any big decisions, I feel your wording could have been gentler.

OP is obviously homesick, so have some compassion for both sides.
Back to top

amother
Aqua


 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 3:06 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
OP, you're only going to make progress if you approach it with reason and logic. You have to convince him in clear, practical grounds, not Zionistic idealism.

If your DH loves his job and gets a sense of satisfaction from it, that is going to be hard. Men define themselves by what they DO. It' their whole sense of identity. That's why they get so incredibly depressed when they lose a job. Men fall apart, while we just dust ourselves off and keep looking.

If you can pry him away from his job, look at what you are spending on tuition and health care. Those are the places where you will be saving money in Israel. Balance that with a realistic look at the job market, and keep in mind what I just said about a job being a man's identity. It needs to be a job that fulfils him, not just something that pays the bills.

You may be happy to live in a caravan in the Shomron, but DH is the other half of the family, and he needs to be a part of the equation. I can guarantee you that if you move here and he's miserable, you will all be miserable sooner or later.

The divorce rate among new Olim is astronomical. If you can make it the first 3 years without breaking up, then you can consider yourselves having a successful Aliyah.


You're absolutely right about men define themselves by what they do. He doesn't get $100,00 a year, but he gets a nice enough income and he just loves what he does, even though he works a lot. He said in Israel he won't find something like this. The problem is that he's closed minded and I think he could find something similar...yes..won't be the same, but what will happen if he even loses the job he loves?! And I did keep on mentioning the tuition and health care over here that's a problem. I know in Israel other things are expensive. But I feel like right now he's working to pay bills and tuition only.
Back to top

FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 3:10 pm
amother wrote:
You're absolutely right about men define themselves by what they do. He doesn't get $100,00 a year, but he gets a nice enough income and he just loves what he does, even though he works a lot. He said in Israel he won't find something like this. The problem is that he's closed minded and I think he could find something similar...yes..won't be the same, but what will happen if he even loses the job he loves?! And I did keep on mentioning the tuition and health care over here that's a problem. I know in Israel other things are expensive. But I feel like right now he's working to pay bills and tuition only.


Keep in mind that your bills will follow you here. Just because you leave the US, doesn't mean that you can not keep up payments anymore. I know people do dodge debt, but it's illegal. Nefesh b'Nefesh will want to see your financial statements, and you'll have to sign a document stating what your debt is, and how you plan on continuing payment.

I am the biggest Zionist I know, and I'm totally thrilled with living here, but I hate to hear about people who come here unprepared and have a horrible time. It just makes me so sad. Sometimes you just have to wait until the timing is right for your family.

Daven that Hashem should show you the right time, with clarity and wisdom to make good decisions for everyone involved.
Back to top

amother
Salmon


 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 3:12 pm
amother wrote:
I am depressed. I think part of it that I'm alone in the big city. My parents and sister live in Israel and I know they'd be helping me there, so it's not like I'd be moving to a different country completely alone, but I know it can still be difficult.

Get a job, even if it's just part time. Getting dressed, getting out, having interactions with other adults, having pocket money for yourself. Those things are huge.
Back to top

Bnei Berak 10




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 3:20 pm
OP, is DH American born? And you are Israeli, right? How come you agreed to live in the US from the beginning? It was a shiduch?
Back to top

Bnei Berak 10




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 3:42 pm
OP, to try to move DH to Israel will be a HUGE mistake. If you want to stay as a part of a whole family you need to live as a whole family. Get counseling.
Back to top

amother
Cobalt


 

Post Wed, Mar 14 2018, 3:59 pm
amother wrote:
And were you happy in the end with the move?

My sister-in-law is also willing to move to Israel for her husband. And her family is all over here and she has a good job but she's willing to move for him.
Me on the other hand, we're not in a good financial situation and I'm not happy here. I know it doesn't mean I'd be happy there, but I feel like we need a whole new chapter in our life.


We just moved recently so I’m not sure yet. But it was much less dramatic than moving to Israel and not as much of an adjustment or culture shock. And my husband didn’t force me to move, but I realized that it was something that was very important to him and told him we can try it for a year and see how it goes.
Back to top
Page 1 of 2 1  2  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Inquiries & Offers -> Israel related Inquiries & Aliyah Questions

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Where to get 44"/48" mattresses/platform beds 1 Yesterday at 10:33 am View last post
Does anybody use "the pink stuff"?
by tweety1
11 Mon, Mar 25 2024, 2:47 pm View last post
"Tipping" teachers
by amother
6 Thu, Mar 21 2024, 3:27 pm View last post
Wanna move and my kids are against it
by amother
57 Thu, Mar 21 2024, 4:50 am View last post
Where would you move in my shoes? 27 Tue, Mar 19 2024, 3:05 pm View last post