I'm the worst mother in my family

imorethanamother

Mon, Mar 19 2018, 11:05 am

I am trying to frame this in a way that doesn't reveal who I am. Basically, I'm the Sister Sufragette mom in a family of Mary Poppins. I'm out making a living, loving my job, and it means a lot to me. My family comes first, of course, so I take off work most of the time to do what needs to be done, but I was a latch-key kid, and I grew up in a home where I had to be self-sufficient. I am totally fine with my upbringing, no complaints. And I find myself raising my kids a lot that way - where they have to do a lot of things on their own without my involvement.

My Mary Poppins sisters in law all have been blessed with angelic children. No lie. Not only are they all incredibly beautiful children - exceptionally beautiful children - but they're all running around doing chesed by the age of like 3, and I'm not exaggerating. Their kids notice a sad looking child and take care of them and are kind and nurturing, etc.

I get stopped all the time with yet another story about my nieces and nephews and the incredible amazing thing they just did. And you know what? I feel like ****.

My kids are. . . average. Average everything. I adore them to pieces, and I would never change them for anything, but I feel like they would have been better off if my sisters in law would have raised them, because they're not particularly empathetic or kind. A lot of it is my fault - I have no patience. My kids refuse to go to bed, and at a certain time of night (around 8:30 or 9pm), I just lose it and refuse to have anything more to do with their constant requests. "
No, I'm not reading you another story."
"No, you can't lay with me in my bed."
"WHY ARE YOU OUT OF BED NO YOU CAN'T DRINK ANYTHING OR EAT ANYTHING."
"[NAME OF HUSBAND HERE] YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF THESE CHILDREN I AM GOING TO BED!!!"

So there's that. I'm a yeller. I start bedtime routine at 7, and I get no one listening to me. I have to deploy some sort of reward system, but I'm so exhausted.

In contrast, my sisters in law all bend over backwards for their children. If their children cough, they get cuddles and staying at home and massages and kindness. If my children cough, I'm like, "You're fine. You're going to school and that's that. I gotta get to work."

So here I am, despondent. I don't deserve the children I've been given. I am raising them all wrong. I don't know what to do.

Kiwi13

Mon, Mar 19 2018, 11:19 am

This isn’t meant as a criticism AT ALL, just a thought you might not have had yet... maybe your sisters are just able to notice all their kids’ awesomeness because they’re just together all the time? Again, not a complain against you at all, it’s just possible that your kids are equally awesome (I would tend to assume that yes they are). It’s also possible that many of your sisters’ toddlers “accomplishments” are, well, helped along. You know what I mean? Your kids’ learning self sufficiency early is at least as important as what your sisters’ kids learn from them. Every family is different and there’s really no place for comparison. Nothing here is glaringly wrong. You are a hardworking mother who is giving her kids the best she can. Not every family is best off with a stay at home mom. Some moms need to do more outside the home, and I strongly believe that within reason what’s good for the mother is good for the family.

We mothers tend to be overly harsh on ourselves. I once got so self-condemning over propping up my babies’ bottles that I felt my kids should have a different mother. The things we do to ourselves are unfair and unhelpful. If your kids are healthy and well adjusted then you’re doing great. If they have struggles, address them. But I guarantee you the solution isn’t to “do everything like your sisters.”

amother

White

Mon, Mar 19 2018, 11:22 am

You sound just like me. I have a passel of rowdy, messy, loud and yes, average children. I have one sibling with a child under age 1, so she’s obviously going to be perfect, and a newlywed sibling. Both think they are masters at parenting already. My house is always flying, I feel like I’m burdening my kids if I ask for help, and they’re not too amazing at helping anyway. Luckily for my sanity I’m off of work for maternity leave prebaby because I can no longer walk. Sadly for that same sanity, Pesach cleaning is all on me. I spend a lot of time ignoring. Your kids are not their kids and your life is not theirs. Not everyone wants to coddle their children so they think everything is coming to them. You are okay. You will be okay. Just do your best and let your kids know you love them.

imorethanamother

Mon, Mar 19 2018, 12:10 pm

Jewishfoodie wrote:

You're making me cry! Never ever judge yourself by the people surrounding you! Thats awful! My best friend is a doctor! Imagine if I held myself to her crazy standards! And I love her to pieces, but I know im not her! I have my life, my challenges, my pet peeves, my character traits, mine! And that is what shapes me! Be proud! Hugs hugs hugs!

You're so kind, and you're making me cry, too.

Other people on this thread think I'm exaggerating or seeing my nieces or nephews in a different light. I'm not. They really are wonderful, and I'm proud to be their aunt. Random strangers will tell me stories of what they've done, and we can see for ourselves that they're exceptional. All of them! And their age ranges are all over the place, so they only get better!

The fact that ALL of them are incredible makes me realize that the only difference is honestly me. I admit I haven't gone to parenting classes and that's part of it. I went to one parenting class, once, and it was just the wrong teacher because I was so annoyed.

And my sisters in law are also the kindest, sweetest people alive. They always think of others, and half the things they think of doing just never even occur to me. I'm lucky to have them in my life, because they give me ideas for what I can do too, and it's made me a better person.

I pray a lot for my children, but for one of my children, I just pray that he should reach his full potential, because he has so much to offer. And I'm scared that because I let screen time, because I'm a busy, impatient mother who's emailing work all the time, because of who I am in general, that I'm raising children that aren't as good as they could be. Like because I'm fundamentally lacking in chesed, I've raised children that way too.

Someone else mentioned a parenting class. Is there any on TorahAnytime that can help me?

mha3484

Mon, Mar 19 2018, 12:16 pm

I mention the book the explosive child a lot because it has really helped me with my child that struggles with ADHD. At parent teacher conferences the Morah was telling me about what a kind and empathetic child he is. What was striking to me was that as I parent him with empathy and kindness he projects that on to others. I never really thought about it. I really recommend the method to anyone even if your kid does not have any challenges. Ross Green wrote a book called raising human beings that is for parents of kids that are considered typical.

tichellady

Mon, Mar 19 2018, 12:27 pm

imorethanamother wrote:

The only difference is honestly you??? Hello, your children are not genetically the same as your sister in laws children. Not sure why you think your children should be the same. Honestly, genetics play a huge role here. Read Bryan Caplan’s
“Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why Being a Great Parent is Less Work and More Fun Than You Think”.
You are doing fine. Your kids will be fine.the goal is to raise good adults, not children. Stop comparing them. Not everyone excudes chessed and patience, and that’s ok. We can’t have a whole world full of people like that.

amother

Orange

Mon, Mar 19 2018, 12:33 pm

Queen6 wrote:

Do yourself a favor and stop looking at everyone else's families and kids. Work on your own family. You have no idea what goes on behind someone else's closed doors.

This. Op, you have no idea what goes on when nobody else is there. EVERYONE has flaws, everyone. I PROMISE you things are not as rosy with everyone else's families. I know you're seeing it this way, because your kids are making you crazy and you''re not seeing their kids making them crazy.

You are also teaching them life skills. Your kids know how to find their own Kleenex, their kids may not.

amother

Aquamarine

Mon, Mar 19 2018, 12:45 pm

Your feelings are normal and I'm sure many people, myself included can relate. Why not channel those feelings into positive action, such as a parenting class as others have suggested? Though I can't vouch for it personally, I've heard that handsfullofchinuch.com is supposed to be fantastic. There is a sample class that you can listen to before committing yourself.

Remember, in Hashem's eyes, it's your direction that counts. Forget about where you currently are, and focus on striving to be a better person.

Laiya

Mon, Mar 19 2018, 12:50 pm

OP, the self put-downs in your post is so painful to read. You sound like a loving, caring mother who is raising happy, self-reliant children.

One thing I learned is that our kids model themselves after us. When we send ourselves negative messages, even if we never speak these things out loud in front of our kids, our kids will internalize this and learn to tell themselves negative messages, too. Sad

Other posters suggested parenting classes and some are great, but it seems to me that you should maybe take steps first, to learn how to love and accept yourself for the amazing person that you are.

amother

Tan

Mon, Mar 19 2018, 1:06 pm

Op you are being incredibly negative on yourself and you are discounting all the good you do. That's unfair.

Sit down and write all the good things you do for your kids today and everyday. You need to be positive and being positive is step number one.

Stop comparing, its evil to do that to yourself. If kinas sofrim tarbeh chochma then by all means do so. If not theater block it out. And if someone is insensitive and comments on others children to you they are completely inappropriate. Why do people do stupid things like that?

It's totally not ok. If they comment just say thank you and change the subject. Ideally if that child does something good it should be told to the grandparents or the parents that's it. But what can you do ? Nothing it really isn't nice.

Realize that her kids have negative etraits too. No one is only maalos. No human being is. I'm sure your kids have maalos. Please share them right here. I want to hear them. Op please for your mental well being try to be positive

amother

Cerise

Mon, Mar 19 2018, 6:06 pm

Hi OP,
You and I sound a lot alike. During my childhood, I was mostly raised by my mother who was a stoic, "show no emotions" type and my father was always traveling. Or if he was home, he was raging. So, I grew up learning to live in my own little world. Somehow I made it to adulthood and on the outside, I look successful. But I have children also and they suffer from a mother whose mother never showed emotion. I think I'm a thousand times more demonstrative than my mother but I'm not the gushy, doting type. I'm not the type that is a giver or care-taker and I don't instinctively go out of my way to be incredibly inviting to people. I also yell and my kids also don't listen to a word I say! I know that at some point, they've just learned to tune me out. I've thought about all this and I've thought about things I can do to not let so much of me rub off on my kids. But hopefully some of the good of me does rub off. Like intestinal fortitude and not being squeamish and having tenacity and some emotional toughness. Some of that is good.
So, I'm sure you are not all bad, OP. We all have our faults. If you can do better, do better when you can. When you can't or you don't, try again next time.