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Bullying -- role of school



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amother
Natural


 

Post Tue, Mar 20 2018, 10:30 pm
I have a child that has unfortunately fallen victim to bullying in school. Her self esteem is disappearing by the day. She cries very often, feeling that everyone hates her. She used to be the life of the class, but now, a group of girls have pushed her out. Hardly anyone is nice to her.

The school knows about this, and told us that my daughter has no simchas hachaim and asked us to send her to therapy. We do believe that it will be beneficial for her, helping her to work through her emotions, learn appropriate behavioral responses and hopefully, to stand up for herself.

HOWEVER, the school has not addressed the bullying issue at all, even though they told me that they know she is being bullied. The bullying generally occurs on the bus, at recess, and during "journaling" time when the teacher, unbelievably, leaves the room for a half hour each day. (How can the teacher leave when she knows a child will be devoured by wolves when she walks out???)

The bullying has been going on for a few weeks, picking up in intensity daily. My daughter has expressed the wish to die, or at least switch schools.

Knowing the mentality of the school, I assumed that the bullies' parents were not contacted by the staff. Today I called the mother of the main bully and gently told her what is happening. She had no idea. The school never mentioned anything to her.

Realistically, what steps should I expect the school to make in anti-bullying efforts?
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 20 2018, 11:14 pm
That isn't right!!! My daughter was being bullied so I called the teacher. The teacher met with the other teacher and principal and discussed the matter. They took care of it and called me a few weeks later to follow up. Baruch hashem it is mainly resolved and they would do anything to help. Put your foot down and make sure it stops asap.

Last edited by flowerpower on Tue, Mar 20 2018, 11:20 pm; edited 1 time in total
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anonymrs




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 20 2018, 11:18 pm
The school has to stop it. NOW. There is no other choice.

As a mother, you can and should do your part to help your child, build her up, take her to therapy, teach her how to deal with bullies (Bullies 2 Buddies is a good program), but you can't make the bullying stop. That is absolutely the school's responsibility.
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ellacoe




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 20 2018, 11:27 pm
This must be upsetting for you. It is so difficult to see our children being hurt.

The least that a school is obligated to provide for a child is safety. It is their responsibility to ensure that your child is safe, both physically and emotionally. The fact that your child is being bullied and they have taken no action on it is inexcusable. When you say the school knows about it, is it the teacher, or higher up?

You can expect the school to take actions, including talking to the parents of the other girl, providing your daughter resources in school, talking to the other girl, keeping you updated, and in some cases until they are able to control it, making sure that your daughter is not in the presence of this girl without an adult present.
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amother
Natural


 

Post Tue, Mar 20 2018, 11:29 pm
My husband and I are trying to figure out what exactly to tell the school we expect from them. It's not the first time that the victim has been hyper-focused on while the bullying is ignored.

In kindergarten there was one girl who picked on my daughter, but the principal came back saying that my daughter is hyper-sensitive and "believes" everyone is picking on her... And then she saw it with her own eyes. That time the bullying was addressed and the bully ended up switching schools.

Now it is elementary, with two other principals, and they talk about how my daughter has a too negative of a world view and is too sensitive, making her a target for bullies. Sadly, it is true. But there is a REASON for her being like this. I feel they are ignoring a large part of the reason -- the BULLIES!

And to make matters worse, as a child with allergies, she often excluded from school events. Like today... They had an assembly and for the fourth month in a row forgot to buy snacks that she can have. (This is after multiple conversations with principal in which she promised to make sure safe snacks were given to all the children.)

When my daughter approached her teacher and mentioned she didn't have a safe snack, the teacher told her that she can have something else, but first she has to tell her three good things that happened to her that day.

Obviously, she wanted to work on said daughter's negative attitude, but TIME AND PLACE! Come on! It was in front of all the kids and she was told to perform like a sea lion while all the kids got their snacks without putting on any show.

DD was mortified. Sobbed for hours when she came home.

And of course, when I tried calling the teacher to hear her version of the story, she didn't answer...

Poor kid is getting potches from all sides. My heart is broken.
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amother
Natural


 

Post Tue, Mar 20 2018, 11:31 pm
ellacoe wrote:
This must be upsetting for you. It is so difficult to see our children being hurt.

The least that a school is obligated to provide for a child is safety. It is their responsibility to ensure that your child is safe, both physically and emotionally. The fact that your child is being bullied and they have taken no action on it is inexcusable. When you say the school knows about it, is it the teacher, or higher up?

You can expect the school to take actions, including talking to the parents of the other girl, providing your daughter resources in school, talking to the other girl, keeping you updated, and in some cases until they are able to control it, making sure that your daughter is not in the presence of this girl without an adult present.


Thank you. I definitely believe it is wrong to leave the children alone without a teacher when in general, especially when there is a bullying situation. You put it down so clearly. Thanks.
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Wed, Mar 21 2018, 1:40 am
If your child is a victim type (and it sounds like this has been a repeated issue over the years) then no amount of school intervention will help. You need to teach her how to react and how to present herself in a way that will not make her a victim.

I know this is not PC, but I say it as someone with many years experience as a teacher and a parent.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 21 2018, 2:21 am
amother wrote:
If your child is a victim type (and it sounds like this has been a repeated issue over the years) then no amount of school intervention will help. You need to teach her how to react and how to present herself in a way that will not make her a victim.

I know this is not PC, but I say it as someone with many years experience as a teacher and a parent.

While I agree that OP needs to hep her daughter be stronger and to understand how to react properly and strongly, this does not absolve the school from their responsibility to stop bullying when they see it.

OP said there is bullying in the classroom right under the teachers nose (or rather, where her nose should be -- if she wasn't ditching class during journal time). That is inexcusable. They are enabling bullies, who understand fully that there are no consequences for their actions.
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 21 2018, 7:41 am
My kids are victim types. We've spent thousands of dollars on therapies. We work hard to build them up and encourage them not to sweat the small stuff.
However, bullies can smell a victim a mile away. And they need to be stopped by the school. In my experience, schools in NY were excellent about this. Schools in Israel couldn't care less.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 21 2018, 7:57 am
Here's how to advocate. It's a pain, and no, it's not really your job, but if it needs doing, then it's worthwhile.

Start by reading everything you can about bullying, and effective strategies schools have used.

Compile a list of actions, and an approximate cost, in time and money, for each, to the best of your abilities.

Prepare a presentation for the school administration. If you can bring an outside expert, it's stronger. Consider presenting to the school board as well, and politically, which makes more sense to do first.

In the meantime, follow all the advice in the books about what you can do as a parent. Most importantly, help her develop friendships in the class so she is not a lone sheep.

And consider putting her someplace different if this goes nowhere.
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Queen6




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 21 2018, 8:52 am
Schools do not take enough of a stand on bullying. They shift the issue to the victim. There are many reasons and excuses but it does not make sense. If they can’t deal with the bully’s family the bullie should move into the principal office permentatly.
I’m tired of excuses. Parents should continue to voice their concerns.
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amother
Purple


 

Post Thu, Mar 22 2018, 6:36 pm
amother wrote:
If your child is a victim type (and it sounds like this has been a repeated issue over the years) then no amount of school intervention will help. You need to teach her how to react and how to present herself in a way that will not make her a victim.

I know this is not PC, but I say it as someone with many years experience as a teacher and a parent.


I was bullied. Sure, I was the victim type too. But that doesn't mean that the bully has no responsibility and the school has no responsibility. It is the school's responsibility to provide a safe environment for every child, and it's also t a disservice to the bully to allow them to continue being an aggressor / attacker / or just plain jerk. You know what they did to my bully? Nothing. Know where she was last year? Jail. Maybe if someone had dealt with her when we were 12, she wouldn't have turned into a criminal. Maybe she would have anyway. But someone could have made a difference for her too.

Anyway, I went for tons of therapy. The school did nothing. The bully was never addressed. Despite years of therapy and medication, when I was 15, I was suicidal. It's all nice to say that if the child is a victim, they need help. But that doesn't stop the actual problem - that the bully is exhibiting socially and morally wrong behavior, even sometimes criminal behavior. That is NEVER excusable, and all schools are responsible for ensuring acceptable behavior, and Jewish schools in particular are also responsible for instilling middos on some level. When a kid cheats off another kid's test without their consent or knowledge, the cheater get punished for behavior that isn't ethical, no one says it's ONLY the other kid's fault for not covering their answers better - because we expect the kids to behave ethically even if an opportunity arises where they may not. When a kid steals from a candy store, the kid is punished, no one says it's ONLY the store's fault for not hovering over every candy item better - we expect children to act ethically. Bullying is no different - violent, derogatory, mean, inappropriate behavior is never acceptable and it's not ONLY the victim's responsibility to change. If someone robbed yoru house, yes you could say that you should maybe make some changes like an alrm system or window locks, but everyone still agress that the robber needs to be removed from society and that he did something wrong and scoeity needs to take responsibility for it. Why is there a perception that only the victim is broken and needs help but not the bully? Would you say the same thing if the kid wasn't being bullied but was being s-xually harassed by another child? Why is are some types of violent or unethical behavior being handled by making it the victim's problem but other types are not?

All the therapy and behavior modification in the world won't help if the school doesn't intervene as well.

So yes, please please please get your child therapy to help them deal with their own feelings about being bullied and learn to help handle the bully. But please, help the bully. Everyone loses when the bully is not addressed - the victim (if she already feels like she wants to die now, imagine how much worse it will get), the bully (who could maybe be saved from themselves), and school (if you think the other kids feel safe in an environment where bullying is happening, even if not to them, they don't, even if they aren't vocal about it). If your child was the bully, would you be content with a school that didn't care about adresseing their terrible middos or behavior? You'd want someone to take responsibility for their behavior too, together with you. It's a sorry Jewish school that doesn't care enough about children's behavior to even let the parents know when the child could use some help with it - bullies are children too. So please, help the victim, help the bully, and all the parents involved and the school need to take responsibility and work together to make our children better.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 22 2018, 6:55 pm
I have so much rage around this issue. Mad

Bullying is one of the biggest problems in chinuk today. Certainly in public schools, but even moreso in private. With private schools, if the parents of the bully are big names /big donors, the kids know that they can get away with murder, and no one will dare say "boo" to them.

Children are not "victim types". Children are just children, until the first time they are bullied, and they learn that the adults in charge Do. Not. Care. When they learn that they are unsafe, unheard, and even accused of starting it.

When a child tries to speak up, they are told that they are interrupting the class. When the child tries to walk away from the physical abuse, they are told to sit back in their chair. When the child gets frustrated and hits back in self defense, the child is suspended under "Zero Tolerance." Through all of this, the child is never believed by the adults in charge.

Schools want your tuition money, so they will tell you anything they think you want to hear. On the other hand, they want the bully's tuition money too, so they'll tell those parents what they want to hear, or won't tell them anything at all. The school will either hope that it blows over, or that the victim will transfer to another school.

Sometimes the victim snaps and breaks down, and gets expelled as "being a problem", especially if you are getting any tuition breaks. It's no big deal to lose you if they are subsidizing your kid. Your child is only worth as much as you can afford to pay, and even then only if they don't need anything that will require extra effort from the staff.

The bully, especially if they are cute, popular, and possibly rich, will carry on as if nothing has happened. They will learn nothing, unless a bigger bully comes along and teaches them a lesson or two - and the cycle continues.
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