S/O Appropriate Boundaries with Male Colleagues

Boca00

Sun, Mar 25 2018, 9:25 am

DrMom wrote:

This post is unnecessarily alarmist. The communication channel (texting) is not the issue, the content is.

We use texts/whatsapp quite frequently between work colleagues. Example:

Just last week, my boss was supposed to join a Skype conference call at 8pm our local time, but after 5 minutes of waiting, he was not on the line, so I whatsapped him, "Yaakov, we are speaking with John and Bill from Seattle now. Are you joining?" Reply, "PC crashed; Restarting. Please lead the conversation and start without me. I will join soon."

How is that inappropriate?

Agreed, as long as you are careful to keep it work related. I use Whatsapp and email all the time to communicate, and it hasn't been an issue at all.

The times I had issues with men overstepping boundaries were almost always during face-to-face interactions.

trixx

Sun, Mar 25 2018, 9:30 am

1. Texting takes place over group chat. (can anyone offer a ride, does anyone know who.. - even if I know who it is, I announce it publicly)

2. If it has to be taken privately ("I know, pm me") I keep it very curt.

3. Normal pleasantries like good morning, enjoy your vacation but as someone above said, it's superficial not friendly.

4. I don't reply past a certain hour. I had a male colleague repeatedly text (very appropriately) about work related stuff well into the evening so I ignored it and then told him in person that I will not reply after a certain time.

5. In general I treat work texts like email. Keep it curt and professional and no need to reply immediately if it's not urgent (I saw this and will reply later) I think a lot of the intimacy that can develop from this type of communication comes from the immediacy. And I email whenever possible.

6. It's truly not rocket science. I have been working with men since 20 and single. A little bit of common sense and basic decency. No matter your circles, sending (instead of showing on your phone, but even that) personal photos is just not workplace appropriate

amother

Olive

Sun, Mar 25 2018, 9:31 am

Boca00 wrote:

You're kidding, right?! All those fathers dropping off in the morning... Shame on you

Yep, the only answer is a job at a chasidish girls high school. No men on staff, no fathers at plays or parent teacher evenings. The only men in the building are the occasional delivery guy, janitor or repairman. Oh, and I guess the principal is trusted to meet with both parents if something very serious must be discussed.

It's the only way!

Boca00

Sun, Mar 25 2018, 9:36 am

trixx wrote:

Thanks for writing this out. I think this list would be a great discussion to have with your kids before they enter the workforce.

amother

Orange

Sun, Mar 25 2018, 10:10 am

Different boundaries are necessary in different work environments. In a large frum firm where professionals need to work on projects together in open spaces with a good work ethic, there are enough safeguards in place for me to go with the flow and trust my own inner instincts that the banter is ok and part of the work culture.
On the other hand I once worked with a man who meant well but didn't know how to interact with women with boundaries. I put up strict walls and wouldn't comment just keep working when he'd come in and say wow it's cold outside because if I responded it would turn into an hour long conversation about chinuch and his kids shidduchim. Instead of keeping the door unlocked as per halacha I kept it adjar when he was around to send a clear message.

amother

Goldenrod

Sun, Mar 25 2018, 10:37 am

You can never be to careful but you can be too naive. So hiding out in your house and starting a playgroup isn’t going to protect you from men. Life is full of both genders. The grocery, the doctors office, your kids friends parents, etc. Boundries need to be established on a case by case basis.
Personally, these Are boundries that work for me. For coworkers, yes I text-that’s our main way of communication. But my texts are business related only. When I work in person, things are a little more relaxed and coworker might ask how my trip was, but not in much detail more in a polite greeting type of way. If I find a coworker being too friendly, I politely push back. Too many questions? Respond a bit more curtly. Boundries are on BOTH parties to maintain.

thunderstorm

Sun, Mar 25 2018, 10:43 am

amother wrote:

I would hate to work in an office where my colleagues don't wish me a good shabbos or welcome me back after a break. The solution to inappropriate boundaries isn't refusing to interact - it's learning to behave appropriately.

I agree. Mentchlichkeit doesn't fly out the window just because we set boundaries.
Every morning I always wished my male colleagues a good morning. If there was a Simcha in their family they got a Mazal Tov. If there was someone sick, I would voice my concern and ask if there was any way I could help or would just check to find out how the sick person was doing. Everyone wished each other a Gut Shabbos and Gut Yom Tov.
Otherwise it was all business. I have been very fortunate that in all five workplaces that I've been, they were all frum offices and women and men sat in separate offices. Of course we had to go into each other's offices and have conversations with each other. But the women discussed their personal lives within the walls of the female office and the men likewise.

amother

Papaya

Sun, Mar 25 2018, 4:21 pm

Boca00 wrote:

You're kidding, right?! All those fathers dropping off in the morning... Shame on you

Don’t laugh. My sister has a playgroup and a father was hanging out there in the morning and flirting with her when he dropped off his kid.😳

amother

Teal

Sun, Mar 25 2018, 5:13 pm

Great topic op.

When my yeshiva raised dh began working he had no experience how to behave. He is extremely outgoing and open and would come home repeating all the yentish stuff the women were shmoozing. He felt like one of the girls Rolling Eyes

So&so is doing that for y"t and her kids aren't feeling well today and we went to this client & she wore this style& we did that today. What do you think? I am curious how you think it was okay for me to feel about this, did I under or over react to the majority opinion? I will share my feelings but first would love to hear your opinions.

amother

Copper

Sun, Mar 25 2018, 5:21 pm

amother wrote:

My reaction would be - 'dh this isn't particularly interesting to me.. is it interesting to you?' followed by - I'm glad you feel like you fit in at work. I hope you aren't talking about our home life, that would make me uncomfortable.