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5 year old dd is a major perfectionist



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amother
Ivory


 

Post Mon, Mar 26 2018, 3:35 pm
My 5 year old dd is a major perfectionist. She's extremely bright, and doesn't like to try anything unless she feels confident she can do it the right way. She won't even guess the answer to a question or repeat something she learned because she doesn't want to make a mistake in the information. Anyway, I feel she's getting in her own way with it. How can I help her?
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Mon, Mar 26 2018, 3:54 pm
Sounds just like my dd, similar age! But my dd follows a trail of laid back, chilled, easy-going, couldn't care less siblings. Go figure.

There are pros and cons to both extremes.

It's great to be easy-going, but not so easy-going that you never bother to put in any effort.

It's great to care about your work's quality, but not to care so much that you drive yourself crazy.

I don't have real answers as we're still working on this, but my main goal is to minimize the anxiety. Try to weave it into conversations, how no one but Hashem is perfect. When you make a mistake, say lightly, Oops, mommy made a mistake! and laugh.

In general, in your house, try to praise effort and not results. Tell her repeatedly that effort, is all that matters. Discuss ways to manage anxiety, when she's calm.

Hth.
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amother
Brown


 

Post Mon, Mar 26 2018, 7:16 pm
I have a daughter a little like this. A lot of things come easy to her so she doesn't like to fail at things that come a little harder. Someone gave me very good advice to get her involved with things where the end result isn't as important as the journey, so that trying and failing and trying again is part of the fun.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 26 2018, 8:23 pm
I've gone through this to different extents with both of my kids. B"H it seems to have mostly passed.
There are some nice storybooks on the subject. I don't recall the titles offhand. But books can be a great way to introduce new ways of thinking that you can then model and expand on when they come up in real life. There was one about a splotch on a picture that the character turned into something new, that was immensely useful and DD really got into the challenge of trying to find ways to make her mistakes part of the picture. Greatly reduced the amount of trashed half-drawings around here.

Model, model, model. I literally talk out loud to myself as I do normal things. I have a perfectionistic nature myself so I really am talking to myself, but you can fake it anyway. "Hm, I'm not sure how much salt to put in this soup. I hope people like it. I guess if they don't they can just sprinkle some salt on after. It will be OK." Let them see you try something new that you aren't great at, like exercise/sport or a craft or whatever it is that will let you model how to just have fun without worrying about being good at it.

When she does answer a question wrong, praise her warmly for something about the answer. If there's any room for interpretation then you can say she had a wonderful idea, and actually you were thinking of a different wonderful idea, and isn't that great that people can come up with two different answers? If it's more black and white, you can praise her for sharing her thoughts, see if you can find something to compliment or explain about her answer, and then frame it as a learning opportunity that now she knows something extra. For example, we were talking about how Moshe Rabbeinu was an "anav." DD said "isn't that a cloud?" I gave her an easy-out from embarrassment by saying that it sounds so similar and even looks almost the same in print. Then I complimented her answer by saying how great it was that she was remembering how to say "cloud" in Hebrew. THEN I explained the real answer and hooked it right back into something else she'd know (an easy question like "Anav means not a showoff. Do you like it when other people show off? - she says yes - EXCELLENT answer! You have now redeemed yourself, DD Wink ) Basically trying to create a frame of mind for her where getting things wrong is not painful.
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runninglate




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 26 2018, 8:37 pm
amother wrote:
I have a daughter a little like this. A lot of things come easy to her so she doesn't like to fail at things that come a little harder. Someone gave me very good advice to get her involved with things where the end result isn't as important as the journey, so that trying and failing and trying again is part of the fun.
Like what?
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musicmom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 26 2018, 11:26 pm
Love perfectionists...
b u t keep reminding her ALL THE TIME that you love her because of who she is and not what she accomplishes.

Make sure she knows that games are only games...

And TELL HER EVERY DAY not to compare herself to other people EVER.

I would just focus on saying the goal is to do your best, and that is all anyone can ever do.
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miami85




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 26 2018, 11:33 pm
amother wrote:
My 5 year old dd is a major perfectionist. She's extremely bright, and doesn't like to try anything unless she feels confident she can do it the right way. She won't even guess the answer to a question or repeat something she learned because she doesn't want to make a mistake in the information. Anyway, I feel she's getting in her own way with it. How can I help her?


I have a boy like this who manifests his perfectionism in anxiety, helplessness and tantrums if things don't go his way. I've gotten him counseling through the board of Ed b/c there were some safety issues.
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Wed, Mar 28 2018, 4:53 pm
Thanks for all the suggestions, I'll give them a try.
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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Wed, Mar 28 2018, 8:00 pm
Perfectionism is a form of anxiety. Magnesium deficiency and b vitamin deficiency are very common and oft-overlooked causes of anxiety. Most people are deficient. You can try supplementing and see if it helps.
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